12 ms·

A college professor gives her students extra credit for going on dates

66 points by Spellman 8y ago

econner 8y ago
One of the things I didn’t appreciate until leaving college was how much the world narrows. In college you’re surrounded by people at similar life stages who are more open to new experiences and to meeting new people (or at least more so than after). It’s a lot more difficult to form new friendships after college and that seems especially true now that phones and other entertainment occupy downtime attention. Texting has emerged as the dominant form of communication and it’s easier than ever to flake on plans since all you need to do is send a text. People seem to be increasingly isolated, lonely, and unhappy. And this is all very new having only really emerged around 2009 - 2010 or so.
- brianwawok 8y ago
  You can find similar people, it just takes more work. One good outlet is work. Usually you can find a few similar people there. The other good outlet is hobbies. Love running? Join a running club. Lots of people who love running. Similar mindset + common interest = a good pool to meet people from. Just surfing facebook won't find you people, no..
jessriedel 8y ago
This is consistent with my college experience but maximally inconsistent with post-college: because of online dating, many people can and do go on more coffee-only first-dates than previous generations ever did. Maybe that means they are being psychologically warped by perceived disposability, but they certainly aren't lacking in practice talking with strangers.
- jeffreyrogers 8y ago
  I'm not sure if it's in the article or not, but the professor requires her students to ask people out in person. In my experience, both from dating and from talking to male and female friends, this is significantly less common now than in the past. And I've noticed that on planes and while waiting in lines people talk with strangers less than when I was a kid.
  - jessriedel 8y ago
    Agreed, though this is not necessarily bad. Ideally, dating apps let us crudely filter for some of the things we're looking for, so that the relative value of interacting with the random people with whom we are physically nearby goes down. Also, after getting lots of experience with dating using apps, asking people on a first date in meatspace gets much easier (even if there is no exactly analagous sitaution in online dating).
  - ci5er 8y ago
    Not my mom. She talks to everyone anyway. Sometimes she even pinches their cheeks and hugs them. Crazy old bat.
- econner 8y ago
  I agree with your post-college assessment, but I think the skill that's lacking practice is the ability to approach and meet new people. Phones, texting as the dominant form of communication, and swipe apps seem to have made that interaction more socially unacceptable / reduced the urgency for it.
wiradikusuma 8y ago
Maybe because of age (I'm 35) or culture (I'm in Asian country), but I don't get it. To get laid, you need to go through the process of dating: Ask her out, lots of "bullshit" (a matter on perspective), spend time and money, and if you're lucky, you'll get laid. Maybe what she meant is "in serious relationship"?
- tclancy 8y ago
  Perhaps what she is suggesting is the exact opposite of what you're describing: trying to actually, intentionally speak to another person without it being the prelude to something (sex, social media post about "Look at the fun we're having", etc). When we see each other as inputs to a transaction, something has been lost. There should be joy from interpersonal contact.
  - sp332 8y ago
    Yeah but if it's not a setup for something more (a relationship or whatever) then I wouldn't call it a date.
- PeterisP 8y ago
  No, the article is quite explicit about there being a significant population who are getting laid but have never ever been on a first date with a (relative) stranger before that. "hookup culture has become so dominant on college campuses"; what you said used to be true but now is not. It's plausible that some couple might start with a hookup and get laid, and only later start going on dates as they form a serious relationship.
  - HeyLaughingBoy 8y ago
    That last sentence pretty much describes what happened with me and the woman I married.
- dqpb 8y ago
  All that "bullshit" she puts you through is probably her way of trying to figure out if you're someone she could have a relationship with or just another dickhead trying to get laid.
whataretensors 8y ago
Another way to measure people by attractiveness or agreeableness or some other attribute that doesn't matter for engineering. The goal is likely to give a certain demographic good grades, like almost all of K-12.
Taniwha 8y ago
For those who TLDR .... this is for dates with each other, not her
ardit33 8y ago
I was expecting a metoo story. It was a refreshing read.
jamestimmins 8y ago
Flexing these types of social muscles can be an amazing experience. One of my biggest confidence boosters came from asking out a woman whom I'd just met, and then getting turned down. We were at a pet store, and happened to chat briefly about our dogs. I asked if she'd like to grab coffee, and she said she had a boyfriend. We chatted a bit more about our dogs, and went our separate ways. It was amazing to see that this type of experience doesn't need to be scary, and can feel extremely normal. I don't know many others who have experienced either side of that type of interaction, so it's encouraging to see this professor is encouraging it in her students.
- nkrisc 8y ago
  I think a lot of people are afraid of this sort of scenario because they think it will be "awkward" or "weird." One thing I've learned in life is a situation is only weird if you make it weird.
MaupitiBlue 8y ago
As someone in their 40's who dates girls in their 20's, I've definitely found this to be true. Many of the girls I got out with have never been on a traditional date. I get the impression that the experience of being picked up, taken to a nice restaurant, being conversed with, and not worrying about the bill is something out of the twilight zone for them. Young guys, you're doing it wrong, but as an old fogey, I'm not complaining.
- incredible12345 8y ago
  As someone in their 20's, going for traditional dates of coffee/dinner and conversation is all I do. I have been on about 30 dates in the last year and they were all traditional dates. I've also never tried for anything within the realm of casual dating ever. I really don't think your claim would hold up to light in my experience dude. All of the women were readily aware that it was a date and none of the dates really went anywhere.
DoreenMichele 8y ago
Historically, women basically aimed to marry well. Men had careers. Women had husband's to provide for them. A lot of those relationships weren't terribly emotionally intimate. I married my best friend. But a lot of marriages were never like that. Now, women want careers. Juggling two careers is hard. Fewer women want children. If you are both going to work and support yourself, then the primary thing you want from a "relationship" is sex. I mean, I'm 52. I'm not the hookup type. I had a long marriage. I'm not easy to get next to. But this idea that both people will have serious careers and also a deep, intimate relationship and also also kids... There's only 24 hours in the day. That's not a very realistic expectation for most people. In that context, hookup culture makes sense. All our fairy tale ending stories are posited on an old fashioned marriage where she's a full time wife and he provides for her. If that isn't your mental model, if you expect some other basis for your life, well, that has knock off effects that it's gauche to talk about because people don't like looking at marriage as a kind of financial contract. But that's what it is.
- PGenes 8y ago
  Is it really true that the primary thing we want from a relationship is sex? Yes we want sex but what about companionship, a fellow traveller, someone to love and be loved by? These maybe harder to achieve but I think these are things people are 'primarily' looking for in relationships. Cheap sex isn't that hard to find, and for most men at least, sex alone is not enough to justify the effort involved in a relationship. I suspect the same applies with at least equal force to women.
draw_down 8y ago
Mmm, yeah, you're really gonna help prepare young people for the future with sage advice like "texting is the devil". I don't really have a problem with this but it seems very silly.
Jhsto 8y ago
From my anecdotal experience, being out of your comfort zone is the actual highway to relationships. I used to live in a house in a foreign country to which people from my home country crashed to during their short, usually few week visits at the area. Surprisingly, the people who came there were exceptionally open (exceptional as in compared to a usual native). Most of them came either alone or with one friend/business partner. I think a lot of their openness attributed to the fact that they were in a temporary, new environment. I also noticed that being open myself first helped to initiate deep conversations. But after returning to home and to college, despite continuing to prompt these discussions, I rarely get the same kind of reaction anymore. My general observation is that my peers are happy to answer questions I have, but they lack the social skills to listen and ask leading questions. But then again, this might just be that they find me uninteresting as a person, but the difference is worryingly stark -- out of 30 people I've befriended on Facebook only a few have I had conversations deep enough I'd consider to meet up with them just to talk. The numbers were very much the opposite if you'd compare it to the experience in the foreign land. Thus, I think it is silly to have fear of missing out on relationships or a partner during college. With the new brave world of remote working, I could as well make a living in the opposite end of the planet just a mere day after graduation, to which I am quite sure most of the peers won't (or wouldn't) follow me anyway.

66 points by Spellman 8y ago

One of the things I didn’t appreciate until leaving college was how much the world narrows. In college you’re surrounded by people at similar life stages who are more open to new experiences and to meeting new people (or at least more so than after). It’s a lot more difficult to form new friendships after college and that seems especially true now that phones and other entertainment occupy downtime attention. Texting has emerged as the dominant form of communication and it’s easier than ever to flake on plans since all you need to do is send a text. People seem to be increasingly isolated, lonely, and unhappy. And this is all very new having only really emerged around 2009 - 2010 or so.

brianwawok 8y ago
You can find similar people, it just takes more work. One good outlet is work. Usually you can find a few similar people there. The other good outlet is hobbies. Love running? Join a running club. Lots of people who love running. Similar mindset + common interest = a good pool to meet people from. Just surfing facebook won't find you people, no..

jessriedel 8y ago

This is consistent with my college experience but maximally inconsistent with post-college: because of online dating, many people can and do go on more coffee-only first-dates than previous generations ever did. Maybe that means they are being psychologically warped by perceived disposability, but they certainly aren't lacking in practice talking with strangers.

jeffreyrogers 8y ago
I'm not sure if it's in the article or not, but the professor requires her students to ask people out in person. In my experience, both from dating and from talking to male and female friends, this is significantly less common now than in the past. And I've noticed that on planes and while waiting in lines people talk with strangers less than when I was a kid.
- jessriedel 8y ago
  Agreed, though this is not necessarily bad. Ideally, dating apps let us crudely filter for some of the things we're looking for, so that the relative value of interacting with the random people with whom we are physically nearby goes down. Also, after getting lots of experience with dating using apps, asking people on a first date in meatspace gets much easier (even if there is no exactly analagous sitaution in online dating).
- ci5er 8y ago
  Not my mom. She talks to everyone anyway. Sometimes she even pinches their cheeks and hugs them. Crazy old bat.
econner 8y ago
I agree with your post-college assessment, but I think the skill that's lacking practice is the ability to approach and meet new people. Phones, texting as the dominant form of communication, and swipe apps seem to have made that interaction more socially unacceptable / reduced the urgency for it.

wiradikusuma 8y ago

Maybe because of age (I'm 35) or culture (I'm in Asian country), but I don't get it. To get laid, you need to go through the process of dating: Ask her out, lots of "bullshit" (a matter on perspective), spend time and money, and if you're lucky, you'll get laid. Maybe what she meant is "in serious relationship"?

tclancy 8y ago
Perhaps what she is suggesting is the exact opposite of what you're describing: trying to actually, intentionally speak to another person without it being the prelude to something (sex, social media post about "Look at the fun we're having", etc). When we see each other as inputs to a transaction, something has been lost. There should be joy from interpersonal contact.
- sp332 8y ago
  Yeah but if it's not a setup for something more (a relationship or whatever) then I wouldn't call it a date.
PeterisP 8y ago
No, the article is quite explicit about there being a significant population who are getting laid but have never ever been on a first date with a (relative) stranger before that. "hookup culture has become so dominant on college campuses"; what you said used to be true but now is not. It's plausible that some couple might start with a hookup and get laid, and only later start going on dates as they form a serious relationship.
- HeyLaughingBoy 8y ago
  That last sentence pretty much describes what happened with me and the woman I married.
dqpb 8y ago
All that "bullshit" she puts you through is probably her way of trying to figure out if you're someone she could have a relationship with or just another dickhead trying to get laid.

whataretensors 8y ago

Another way to measure people by attractiveness or agreeableness or some other attribute that doesn't matter for engineering. The goal is likely to give a certain demographic good grades, like almost all of K-12.

Taniwha 8y ago

For those who TLDR .... this is for dates with each other, not her

ardit33 8y ago

I was expecting a metoo story. It was a refreshing read.

jamestimmins 8y ago

Flexing these types of social muscles can be an amazing experience. One of my biggest confidence boosters came from asking out a woman whom I'd just met, and then getting turned down. We were at a pet store, and happened to chat briefly about our dogs. I asked if she'd like to grab coffee, and she said she had a boyfriend. We chatted a bit more about our dogs, and went our separate ways. It was amazing to see that this type of experience doesn't need to be scary, and can feel extremely normal. I don't know many others who have experienced either side of that type of interaction, so it's encouraging to see this professor is encouraging it in her students.

nkrisc 8y ago
I think a lot of people are afraid of this sort of scenario because they think it will be "awkward" or "weird." One thing I've learned in life is a situation is only weird if you make it weird.

MaupitiBlue 8y ago

As someone in their 40's who dates girls in their 20's, I've definitely found this to be true. Many of the girls I got out with have never been on a traditional date. I get the impression that the experience of being picked up, taken to a nice restaurant, being conversed with, and not worrying about the bill is something out of the twilight zone for them. Young guys, you're doing it wrong, but as an old fogey, I'm not complaining.

incredible12345 8y ago
As someone in their 20's, going for traditional dates of coffee/dinner and conversation is all I do. I have been on about 30 dates in the last year and they were all traditional dates. I've also never tried for anything within the realm of casual dating ever. I really don't think your claim would hold up to light in my experience dude. All of the women were readily aware that it was a date and none of the dates really went anywhere.

DoreenMichele 8y ago

Historically, women basically aimed to marry well. Men had careers. Women had husband's to provide for them. A lot of those relationships weren't terribly emotionally intimate. I married my best friend. But a lot of marriages were never like that. Now, women want careers. Juggling two careers is hard. Fewer women want children. If you are both going to work and support yourself, then the primary thing you want from a "relationship" is sex. I mean, I'm 52. I'm not the hookup type. I had a long marriage. I'm not easy to get next to. But this idea that both people will have serious careers and also a deep, intimate relationship and also also kids... There's only 24 hours in the day. That's not a very realistic expectation for most people. In that context, hookup culture makes sense. All our fairy tale ending stories are posited on an old fashioned marriage where she's a full time wife and he provides for her. If that isn't your mental model, if you expect some other basis for your life, well, that has knock off effects that it's gauche to talk about because people don't like looking at marriage as a kind of financial contract. But that's what it is.

PGenes 8y ago
Is it really true that the primary thing we want from a relationship is sex? Yes we want sex but what about companionship, a fellow traveller, someone to love and be loved by? These maybe harder to achieve but I think these are things people are 'primarily' looking for in relationships. Cheap sex isn't that hard to find, and for most men at least, sex alone is not enough to justify the effort involved in a relationship. I suspect the same applies with at least equal force to women.

draw_down 8y ago

Mmm, yeah, you're really gonna help prepare young people for the future with sage advice like "texting is the devil". I don't really have a problem with this but it seems very silly.

Jhsto 8y ago

From my anecdotal experience, being out of your comfort zone is the actual highway to relationships. I used to live in a house in a foreign country to which people from my home country crashed to during their short, usually few week visits at the area. Surprisingly, the people who came there were exceptionally open (exceptional as in compared to a usual native). Most of them came either alone or with one friend/business partner. I think a lot of their openness attributed to the fact that they were in a temporary, new environment. I also noticed that being open myself first helped to initiate deep conversations. But after returning to home and to college, despite continuing to prompt these discussions, I rarely get the same kind of reaction anymore. My general observation is that my peers are happy to answer questions I have, but they lack the social skills to listen and ask leading questions. But then again, this might just be that they find me uninteresting as a person, but the difference is worryingly stark -- out of 30 people I've befriended on Facebook only a few have I had conversations deep enough I'd consider to meet up with them just to talk. The numbers were very much the opposite if you'd compare it to the experience in the foreign land. Thus, I think it is silly to have fear of missing out on relationships or a partner during college. With the new brave world of remote working, I could as well make a living in the opposite end of the planet just a mere day after graduation, to which I am quite sure most of the peers won't (or wouldn't) follow me anyway.