8 ms·

This is actually a very interesting article. And with the risk of attracting the wrath on internet haters, let me propose something that personally helped me a

by pm90 9y ago

This is actually a very interesting article. And with the risk of attracting the wrath on internet haters, let me propose something that personally helped me a lot and which seems like a very narrow application of the principles described in the article: meeting romantic partners. I tend to be more open in talking to strangers and that has opened up worlds of opportunities to me. But the biggest benefit has certainly been in meeting people that I would liked to date. And what I realized (or read somewhere) is that if you live in a large city, you literally run into a lot of people just in the course of your day. e.g. waiting in line at starbucks, taking the train, at concerts/shows etc. And all that is really required is for one party to initiate conversation. Let me qualify this by saying that I do not condone pestering strangers; that is borderline harassment (especially for women). But when both parties are interested/responsive, it can lead to adventures that you wouldn't have ever expected ....

da02 9y ago
What do you mean by adventures?
- phil21 9y ago
  Life experiences and personal growth. Opening yourself up to others (especially interesting others!) and entering their world is about the only way I've seen humans reliably grow and change as individuals. Something I wish I would have learned and internalized at a much younger age!
  - da02 9y ago
    Oh ok. Thanks for clearing that up. I thought you meant stuff like skydiving. Can you give an example of "personal growth"? (I'm not sure what exactly that is, but I think I need lots of that.)
    - Woberto 9y ago
      Maybe learning new things by hearing others' perspectives and experiences? I often need to remind myself to think more about how others feel and think since I'm accustomed to staying in my own head. Talking with somebody even briefly often enlightens me to interesting things
- expertentipp 9y ago
  STD and scabies mostly
  - mcguire 9y ago
    He said "open mind", not "empty head"! :-) Still, that's a risk, yes.
- gadders 9y ago
  In my head I had an image of him twirling the end of his mustache as he said that.
Ntrails 9y ago
> Let me qualify this by saying that I do not condone pestering strangers; that is borderline harassment (especially for women). There is really no way to know in advance whether initiating a conversation with a stranger is welcome or not, the only way to find out is to try. It's unreasonable to place the burden of a person to signal "don't impose yourself on me" when you could simply leave them alone and not take the risk of being an inconvenience
- gradys 9y ago
  I guess it depends on what version of the social contact you think we're all operating with. I'd say the quite minor inconvenience of someone ahead of you in line trying to start a conversation is part of what you sign up for when you go out in public. That is, as long as the initiator is prepared to take the hint when it's clear you don't want to talk.
  - currymj 9y ago
    friendly conversation, sure, but there's enough people who refuse to take a hint that their romantic overture is unwanted. they might even retaliate with really aggressive, angry behavior. this is rare, but i think it has poisoned the well in some places -- especially for women, these unusual but very frightening situations can make the whole thing have a negative expected value.
  - hokus 9y ago
    I take it as a design question. Do we want a society designed for people who like to interact or do we want to design it after the desire for limiting interaction as much as possible? One time, on a crowded train, an elderly lady just started talking about her visit to her lovely grandchildren and what they had been up to since her last visit. It wasn't a short story and to her it was the most fascinating experience in the world. While telling it she turned her head towards anyone who wasn't looking at her. She had quite the powerful gaze. She wasn't screaming but had a loud voice. Eventually someone rudely interrupted her to ask her if she could stop talking. She just bluntly told him to go sit some place else. "The train is full of people silently gazing out of the window, people who forgot how to talk with others. What are you waiting for? Off you go?" At that point the laughter made it apparent that people sitting really far away were also listening to her. She kept staring at him and kept telling him to just go away, go be miserable some place else, don't expect us to share your misery. Being made the center of attention everyone else was also looking at him. Eventually he just got up and left (producing even more laughter) The moment he got up she continued her story exactly where she left of with a tone of voice as if the entire incident never happened. The most interesting thing I took from the experience was how confident she was that a person who doesn't like to talk with strangers also doesn't talk back when ordered to piss off. Her involving 30 random strangers in her monologue also ruled out any physical retaliation. After the story about her visit to the grandchildren she told us she always talked to strangers, she did this her entire life and wasn't about to stop. She got to know many nice people. She didn't like how the last few decades this made her the center of attention but felt obligated to remind us things weren't always like this. We shouldn't let people like the guy who just left force us to stop talking. They are overstepping the bounds. It isn't for them to decide who you can or cant talk to. "Who does he think he is being so disrespectful to an elderly lady?" When she grew up one would listen to what older people had to say. They've been around, you might learn something. It was a hilarious experience. I've been talking to random strangers ever since. At times you run into introvert people who obviously didn't talk with anyone for years. Without saying anything they reinforce the idea we should keep doing this. Trust me, you can PM anyone you like on irc. If they say you can't do that you just tell them you just did. The funniest resolve for the protesters you inevitably run into when doing this has to be.... https://memecrunch.com/meme/20XL1/come-at-me-bro-bruce-lee https://memecrunch.com/meme/20XL1/come-at-me-bro-bruce-lee
throwaway2041 9y ago
Chatting up a stranger is not 'borderline harassment'. Harassment is harassment. There's a correct way to approach someone in a non-threatening manner, and more men should take the time to learn how to respectfully strike up conversation with strangers (in both romantic and non-romantic contexts) Given the cultural norms around dating require men to initiate the conversation 95%+ of the time, there's a real risk of demonizing men's efforts to initiate conversation. If nobody approaches, then a lot of great connections never get formed.
- hndamien 9y ago
  This is what they call "Game" and it too is learnable. Being relaxed is a big part of it.
  - Toast_25 9y ago
    Sadly I believe this term has a misogynist undertone. I learned about talking to women like that and while it had enormous benefits, they also didn't really teach what was appropriate and had to learn them as well as un-learn a few bad habits.
    - hndamien 9y ago
      “Game” is not misogynistic. If you think that then I don’t think you quite understand it. It is about a reduction in ego via self acceptance. Self confidence and self worth through emotional intelligence. Basically if you understand the teachings on Daniel Goleman, you will end up with “Game”. I think you think I mean a “player” which I totally agree with you on.
- alimw 9y ago
  > Given the cultural norms around dating require men to initiate the conversation 95%+ of the time If that is your impression it may say more about you than the world around you. But of course I don't know where you live. > there's a real risk of demonizing men's efforts to initiate conversation. I doubt the species will die out. Perhaps some of those reticent women you know will have to make more of an effort!
deleted 9y ago
[deleted]
empath75 9y ago
I’m extremely introverted, but spent a few months backpacking which really forced me out of my comfort zone. I met my wife at a hostel on that trip and we have two kids together. I’d never had ordinarily talked to her, but I was lonely and we were the only Americans there. I don’t think we’ve been apart for more than a few days since we both got back to the US.
- bornonline1 9y ago
  That's why i refuse introvert or extrovert titles. I can be different in varied situations.

by pm90 9y ago

da02 9y ago

What do you mean by adventures?

phil21 9y ago
Life experiences and personal growth. Opening yourself up to others (especially interesting others!) and entering their world is about the only way I've seen humans reliably grow and change as individuals. Something I wish I would have learned and internalized at a much younger age!
- da02 9y ago
  Oh ok. Thanks for clearing that up. I thought you meant stuff like skydiving. Can you give an example of "personal growth"? (I'm not sure what exactly that is, but I think I need lots of that.)
  - Woberto 9y ago
    Maybe learning new things by hearing others' perspectives and experiences? I often need to remind myself to think more about how others feel and think since I'm accustomed to staying in my own head. Talking with somebody even briefly often enlightens me to interesting things
expertentipp 9y ago
STD and scabies mostly
- mcguire 9y ago
  He said "open mind", not "empty head"! :-) Still, that's a risk, yes.
gadders 9y ago
In my head I had an image of him twirling the end of his mustache as he said that.

Ntrails 9y ago

> Let me qualify this by saying that I do not condone pestering strangers; that is borderline harassment (especially for women). There is really no way to know in advance whether initiating a conversation with a stranger is welcome or not, the only way to find out is to try. It's unreasonable to place the burden of a person to signal "don't impose yourself on me" when you could simply leave them alone and not take the risk of being an inconvenience

gradys 9y ago
I guess it depends on what version of the social contact you think we're all operating with. I'd say the quite minor inconvenience of someone ahead of you in line trying to start a conversation is part of what you sign up for when you go out in public. That is, as long as the initiator is prepared to take the hint when it's clear you don't want to talk.
- currymj 9y ago
  friendly conversation, sure, but there's enough people who refuse to take a hint that their romantic overture is unwanted. they might even retaliate with really aggressive, angry behavior. this is rare, but i think it has poisoned the well in some places -- especially for women, these unusual but very frightening situations can make the whole thing have a negative expected value.
- hokus 9y ago
  I take it as a design question. Do we want a society designed for people who like to interact or do we want to design it after the desire for limiting interaction as much as possible? One time, on a crowded train, an elderly lady just started talking about her visit to her lovely grandchildren and what they had been up to since her last visit. It wasn't a short story and to her it was the most fascinating experience in the world. While telling it she turned her head towards anyone who wasn't looking at her. She had quite the powerful gaze. She wasn't screaming but had a loud voice. Eventually someone rudely interrupted her to ask her if she could stop talking. She just bluntly told him to go sit some place else. "The train is full of people silently gazing out of the window, people who forgot how to talk with others. What are you waiting for? Off you go?" At that point the laughter made it apparent that people sitting really far away were also listening to her. She kept staring at him and kept telling him to just go away, go be miserable some place else, don't expect us to share your misery. Being made the center of attention everyone else was also looking at him. Eventually he just got up and left (producing even more laughter) The moment he got up she continued her story exactly where she left of with a tone of voice as if the entire incident never happened. The most interesting thing I took from the experience was how confident she was that a person who doesn't like to talk with strangers also doesn't talk back when ordered to piss off. Her involving 30 random strangers in her monologue also ruled out any physical retaliation. After the story about her visit to the grandchildren she told us she always talked to strangers, she did this her entire life and wasn't about to stop. She got to know many nice people. She didn't like how the last few decades this made her the center of attention but felt obligated to remind us things weren't always like this. We shouldn't let people like the guy who just left force us to stop talking. They are overstepping the bounds. It isn't for them to decide who you can or cant talk to. "Who does he think he is being so disrespectful to an elderly lady?" When she grew up one would listen to what older people had to say. They've been around, you might learn something. It was a hilarious experience. I've been talking to random strangers ever since. At times you run into introvert people who obviously didn't talk with anyone for years. Without saying anything they reinforce the idea we should keep doing this. Trust me, you can PM anyone you like on irc. If they say you can't do that you just tell them you just did. The funniest resolve for the protesters you inevitably run into when doing this has to be.... https://memecrunch.com/meme/20XL1/come-at-me-bro-bruce-lee https://memecrunch.com/meme/20XL1/come-at-me-bro-bruce-lee

throwaway2041 9y ago

Chatting up a stranger is not 'borderline harassment'. Harassment is harassment. There's a correct way to approach someone in a non-threatening manner, and more men should take the time to learn how to respectfully strike up conversation with strangers (in both romantic and non-romantic contexts) Given the cultural norms around dating require men to initiate the conversation 95%+ of the time, there's a real risk of demonizing men's efforts to initiate conversation. If nobody approaches, then a lot of great connections never get formed.

hndamien 9y ago
This is what they call "Game" and it too is learnable. Being relaxed is a big part of it.
- Toast_25 9y ago
  Sadly I believe this term has a misogynist undertone. I learned about talking to women like that and while it had enormous benefits, they also didn't really teach what was appropriate and had to learn them as well as un-learn a few bad habits.
  - hndamien 9y ago
    “Game” is not misogynistic. If you think that then I don’t think you quite understand it. It is about a reduction in ego via self acceptance. Self confidence and self worth through emotional intelligence. Basically if you understand the teachings on Daniel Goleman, you will end up with “Game”. I think you think I mean a “player” which I totally agree with you on.
alimw 9y ago
> Given the cultural norms around dating require men to initiate the conversation 95%+ of the time If that is your impression it may say more about you than the world around you. But of course I don't know where you live. > there's a real risk of demonizing men's efforts to initiate conversation. I doubt the species will die out. Perhaps some of those reticent women you know will have to make more of an effort!

deleted 9y ago

[deleted]

empath75 9y ago

I’m extremely introverted, but spent a few months backpacking which really forced me out of my comfort zone. I met my wife at a hostel on that trip and we have two kids together. I’d never had ordinarily talked to her, but I was lonely and we were the only Americans there. I don’t think we’ve been apart for more than a few days since we both got back to the US.

bornonline1 9y ago
That's why i refuse introvert or extrovert titles. I can be different in varied situations.