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I am incredibly lonely. Health and financial circumstances pushed me into the worst possible social situation...isolated in rural unconnected America where the

I am incredibly lonely. Health and financial circumstances pushed me into the worst possible social situation...isolated in rural unconnected America where the only two people I regularly see resent me and it has had a severely negative effect on my already miserable health over the years. Being middle aged it magnifies the issue as it's harder to connect as you age anyway due to life's progression. I saw huge numbers of older people in my previous work who were so terribly alone. It's hard enough when young. A "remote social life" is not even close to the same thing and chats online or the phone with "disposable friends" and strangers who have a clear and easy disconnect from your real life don't fill the hole a lack of enduring, present human contact leaves and usually take precious energy with no real benefit. Even though I am an extremely introverted person by most standards I still need social connection to thrive and have felt the best living in big cites with lots of options but I can't find a way back.

irremediable 9y ago
I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling with loneliness. Out of interest, how are you stuck? (Obviously, feel free not to indulge me if you'd rather not discuss your situation with a well-wishing but uninformed stranger.)
- hestipod 9y ago
  My life was destroyed by medical errors and my present situation is the culmination of things collapsing and not being able to shrink anymore. Been saying for ages I am gonna lay the story out here and hope for some miracle plan. Intend to post tomorrow morning. Was going to today (keep stalling out of fear of negative or null results, and things keep happening) but this morning my amazing 1mpbs spotty rural internet was out due to lightning so I missed the morning rush hour.
  - tinymollusk 9y ago
    I'm very sorry that you have to suffer through this alone. All I can offer is my electronic compassion -- I hope you are able to find even 1 small thing in this world that brings you joy. Sometimes that seed can flower into something beautiful :). I also encourage you to post part or all of your story tomomrrow. I look forward to reading it.
    - hestipod 9y ago
      I do have a cat that brings me joy lest I sound joyless. She is often less appreciative of our relationship and I fear I may simply be a carefully manipulated treat dispenser in her eyes, but I love her anyway. Thanks for the compassion in any form.
  - dvtv75 9y ago
    You will get negative responses, accept that before you post. Perhaps there is some value to be gained from the negative responses, but you will also get people who care enough trying to help. Some of those will look negative, but read everything and sit on them for a few days. I'm sure you've figured out that it's really hard to offer helpful advice to someone when you don't know their situation, which is something that keeps coming up here. Post away, I'm looking forward to reading it in the hope that I may be able to offer some help.
    - hestipod 9y ago
      It's up but I think dead. Crossing my fingers.
  - irremediable 9y ago
    That sucks. :( While I doubt anyone is going to summon some kind of miracle plan, I think there are lots of people here who'd be eager to read your story and try to help. So yeah... if you're up for sharing, please say when you're ready.
snarf21 9y ago
It is a real problem. I also think you can take baby steps to address this. Find a hobby whether gardening or board games or kayaking or whatever. It is hard to make friends as you get older except (imo) around hobbies. People will gladly talk endless about their favorite thing. This might not lead to a bff but it is a real human connection based on shared interest. This hobby might not be in your village, you may have to drive an hour but please do it. I think it will really really help.
- hestipod 9y ago
  Well there is the rub...I can't do the hobbies I enjoy because of physical health or money or both. The other things that might provide SOME diversion or evolve into new hobbies aren't accessible here because I am isolated rurally. Driving for an hour requires borrowing a car, paying for gas and expenses and fearing a breakdown which I would have to pay for, creating more pain with the 2 hours of travel which sucks up my endurance window and is a net loss. When you live in a city a 5-10min tram ride somewhere is a lot easier to endure and accesses so much more.
  - snarf21 9y ago
    I understand that it isn't an easy road but nothing is. Gardening or photography is a hobby you can start yourself with almost no cost and health isn't a real barrier. If there is no club, you could start one. Or maybe join the mall walking club which may also help with your physical health. There is something out there for you. You're worth it so put forth the effort. The return will surprise you.
    - hestipod 9y ago
      I know you mean well, and I am not trying to argue for sport or be difficult, but it's not as simple as you imagine. I have health issues that prevent me from spending time down in the dirt gardening and I don't find it appealing at all. Photography requires infrastructure and equipment. Walking is a big problem for me because of the surgeries and fallout. I really wish people would not do the "you have to work at it and it's worth it" thing as if someone in my position is lazy or doesn't want to have a better life. They keep throwing out things they think are so simple and obvious but can't seem to accept there are real, practical reasons certain things won't work. In addition you can't force someone to like something they simply don't just because it's "available". Please believe me that none of this is my lack of effort or attitude. Nobody would choose this life if there was a realistic way out but many people live like this. I do the best I can but it's crushing.
simion314 9y ago
Hi, I am in a similar situation, isolated in a village,I have disabilities, maybe we could exchange emails sometimes.
- hestipod 9y ago
  Hi. I am sorry to hear your situation is similar. My email is in my profile but I will be honest up front that I am dealing with so much right now that I wouldn't be a good friend and hate disappointing anyone so please don't expect much or feel slighted.
  - simion314 9y ago
    I understand, I have exchanged messages with a other person, it was like an email at the end of the week checking up on what happen that week. I am not sure how to set emails public, I can't see your email, you can contact me at my_hn_id@gmail.com, I am not offended if you don't want to connect so don't worry about me.
    - hestipod 9y ago
      Thanks. I know my email was there in the profile, even if cryptically in the info bit as others have written me. Maybe I changed a privacy setting inadvertently and will check. I dont want you to get spammed posting your email in the open here as they seem to even vacuum up attempts at ciphering them like that, so if you care about that or want to delete yours in the above post I have saved it.
      - simion314 9y ago
        I found it, but contact me when/if you feel you are in the mood. I know how it is, sometimes you want to be alone sometimes you hate how lonely you are.
        hestipod 9y ago
        Sure thing. I appreciate it :)
doughj3 9y ago
> A "remote social life" is not even close to the same thing and chats online or the phone with "disposable friends" and strangers who have a clear and easy disconnect from your real life don't fill the hole a lack of enduring, present human contact leaves and usually take precious energy with no real benefit. Maybe this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Anecdotally, I and others I know have formed deep, meaningful relationships with people online. I think the hardest part of that is finding small communities - i.e, it's hard to make meaningful connections in a sub-reddit filled with 100,000 people, but in niche forums and chatrooms, with userbases in the dozens, I think it's much more feasible.
- hestipod 9y ago
  I've been in this situation to worsening degrees for 15 years...It really upsets me to hear people say I am causing it (self fulfilling) or not doing it right. I am glad you were able to make connections online...it's not something that replaces that need in me. I need real life face to face interaction. It is also farther down the list than my immediate problems and having a new friend is not going to fix my life or even make it bearable right now...I know for some people solidarity in suffering helps but relationships of any kind drain me with all thats going on and I have to ration my energy. The loss of connections is just another effect of my major issues that piles on and without addressing those the rest can't change. Sorry if I sound rude...I don't intend it. It's just so hard to hear the same "just get a hobby" or "just make friends online" or "you must just be doing it wrong since it works for me" stuff repeatedly. If it were something that worked for me I'd be doing it because this life is pure misery for me from most all angles.
  - doughj3 9y ago
    You don't come off as rude and I didn't mean to imply you're causing it; sorry if my comment was upsetting. I was trying to point out that it's easy to get stuck in your kind of situation and become, for lack of a better word, pessimistic. Obviously everyone is different and, as you say, "online socialization" may just not fill that need for you (and others). Given the situation of relative isolation physically / geographically ("rural unconnected America"), I was only trying to offer the idea that connecting to people online can be possible for some, though it does take time and effort which may be hard to expend after years of feeling there is no return on that investment. Again, apologies if I painted with too broad a brush.
imoldfella 9y ago
Go to church, what have you got to lose? With all its problems every church is filled with nice people and I guarantee with a few calls (probably 1) you will find someone that will pick you up and take you. No matter how rural you are, there is a church close by.
- atomical 9y ago
  This can work up to a point. They are looking for something in return. Your belief, money, or both.
  - doughj3 9y ago
    The church may be looking for those things; the churchgoers, however, not so much.
    - atomical 9y ago
      Q: Would you like to become a member? A: No thank you. I'm an atheist who is just here for the social interaction and community. How does this end well?
      - tripa 9y ago
        I actually don't see why it shouldn't. As mentioned above, most churchgoers are nice people, and I can't conceive of anyone throwing the atheist out on grounds of “convert or leave”.
        astura 9y ago
        That's pretty wishful (or perhaps naïve) thinking. A family member of mine literary hasn't spoken to me in over two decades because I told her I didn't believe in god when I was 12. She asked me out of nowhere, I said no, that was it, I was no longer to be in her life in any capacity. She also tries to meddle in my business telling other people I am not to be trusted because "you can only trust someone who fears god." Its been my experience that most people who are devout enough to go to church are exactly the "convert or leave" type. Church is a very tribal place. Not to mention that the type of people who want to spend their time doing church activities are people I find horrifically boring and have ZERO common ground with. May be less so if you're male.
abledon 9y ago
You'd really like the 3rd act of the movie "Certain Women" (2016). It's about rural life for people with small, or non-existent support nets.
adamsea 9y ago
Two quick thoughts - a language class or a cooking class. No idea if those would be appropriate to your circumstances, however they exist all over, in a variety of intensities, and are things on my own "to-do" list. Shared w/good intentions.
jij290sdj 9y ago
I'm living the same life. It was hard, but eventually I emotionally realized I wasn't lonely, but anxious about the perception of what it looked to not want to socialize like folks generally seem to do. More of a self-doubt that said I must be lame for not having a life. So I built one for myself through writing, music, and art. All can be done on the cheap (notebook/pencils, and I make digital music with free tools -- no I don't share it, because it's for me, not anyone else, and IDGAF what people think of that) Over time I quit caring. Now I rather loath people. Or maybe more fairly, I loath modern social existence. I have no interest in approving of others cat pics, or some miraculous bullshit they want to sell, eating at McDonalds or even being friendly at the grocery; those are banal utilitarian tasks, not things I put emotional energy into. Modern culture has reduced life to a whole lot of pointless, contribute nothing of real value to, interactions. I hate brainless chitchat in meatspace as much as I hate liking on FB and retweeting. So I create. And I'm happy. Fuck other people if they're not because of it. I don't need their approval.
lambda_lover 9y ago
I know you're getting a lot of unsolicited advice here, but I'd like to throw in my suggestion since you don't seem interested/capable of a lot of the suggested hobbies. I found myself in a similar situation in the past (health + geographical isolation) and becoming heavily involved and eventually and admin of a web forum was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I'm no longer involved, but it was a wonderful place with a really supportive community better than anything I've experienced in real life outside of college. If you find yourself on your computer for a large portion of the day anyway, it's a great way to make those hours more productive due to friendship :)
changechan 9y ago
its all about perspective. I live remotely and hardly interact with anyone and I'm very happy. It helps i am INPJ but it really shouldn't matter. You just need to change your view of life. For me, it was reading and practing CBD books. Also you need to get rid of people that are negative or resent you. That being said I have 1000 plant starts going today and need to transplant 300 more. THen I need to clean the greenhouse out and build raised beds. I'm to busy to be lonely. You need to get engaged with your own life and forget about what others think of you aka get rid of your want for peer acceptance.
fern12 9y ago
I'm also a middle-aged introvert. Outside of work, the only people I really talk to are my sisters, neither of whom live nearby. One thing that's helped me is fostering rescue dogs with a local organization. I only foster for a few days here and there, but it really makes a difference to feel some life around my apartment.

irremediable 9y ago

I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling with loneliness. Out of interest, how are you stuck? (Obviously, feel free not to indulge me if you'd rather not discuss your situation with a well-wishing but uninformed stranger.)

hestipod 9y ago
My life was destroyed by medical errors and my present situation is the culmination of things collapsing and not being able to shrink anymore. Been saying for ages I am gonna lay the story out here and hope for some miracle plan. Intend to post tomorrow morning. Was going to today (keep stalling out of fear of negative or null results, and things keep happening) but this morning my amazing 1mpbs spotty rural internet was out due to lightning so I missed the morning rush hour.
- tinymollusk 9y ago
  I'm very sorry that you have to suffer through this alone. All I can offer is my electronic compassion -- I hope you are able to find even 1 small thing in this world that brings you joy. Sometimes that seed can flower into something beautiful :). I also encourage you to post part or all of your story tomomrrow. I look forward to reading it.
  - hestipod 9y ago
    I do have a cat that brings me joy lest I sound joyless. She is often less appreciative of our relationship and I fear I may simply be a carefully manipulated treat dispenser in her eyes, but I love her anyway. Thanks for the compassion in any form.
- dvtv75 9y ago
  You will get negative responses, accept that before you post. Perhaps there is some value to be gained from the negative responses, but you will also get people who care enough trying to help. Some of those will look negative, but read everything and sit on them for a few days. I'm sure you've figured out that it's really hard to offer helpful advice to someone when you don't know their situation, which is something that keeps coming up here. Post away, I'm looking forward to reading it in the hope that I may be able to offer some help.
  - hestipod 9y ago
    It's up but I think dead. Crossing my fingers.
- irremediable 9y ago
  That sucks. :( While I doubt anyone is going to summon some kind of miracle plan, I think there are lots of people here who'd be eager to read your story and try to help. So yeah... if you're up for sharing, please say when you're ready.

snarf21 9y ago

It is a real problem. I also think you can take baby steps to address this. Find a hobby whether gardening or board games or kayaking or whatever. It is hard to make friends as you get older except (imo) around hobbies. People will gladly talk endless about their favorite thing. This might not lead to a bff but it is a real human connection based on shared interest. This hobby might not be in your village, you may have to drive an hour but please do it. I think it will really really help.

hestipod 9y ago
Well there is the rub...I can't do the hobbies I enjoy because of physical health or money or both. The other things that might provide SOME diversion or evolve into new hobbies aren't accessible here because I am isolated rurally. Driving for an hour requires borrowing a car, paying for gas and expenses and fearing a breakdown which I would have to pay for, creating more pain with the 2 hours of travel which sucks up my endurance window and is a net loss. When you live in a city a 5-10min tram ride somewhere is a lot easier to endure and accesses so much more.
- snarf21 9y ago
  I understand that it isn't an easy road but nothing is. Gardening or photography is a hobby you can start yourself with almost no cost and health isn't a real barrier. If there is no club, you could start one. Or maybe join the mall walking club which may also help with your physical health. There is something out there for you. You're worth it so put forth the effort. The return will surprise you.
  - hestipod 9y ago
    I know you mean well, and I am not trying to argue for sport or be difficult, but it's not as simple as you imagine. I have health issues that prevent me from spending time down in the dirt gardening and I don't find it appealing at all. Photography requires infrastructure and equipment. Walking is a big problem for me because of the surgeries and fallout. I really wish people would not do the "you have to work at it and it's worth it" thing as if someone in my position is lazy or doesn't want to have a better life. They keep throwing out things they think are so simple and obvious but can't seem to accept there are real, practical reasons certain things won't work. In addition you can't force someone to like something they simply don't just because it's "available". Please believe me that none of this is my lack of effort or attitude. Nobody would choose this life if there was a realistic way out but many people live like this. I do the best I can but it's crushing.

simion314 9y ago

Hi, I am in a similar situation, isolated in a village,I have disabilities, maybe we could exchange emails sometimes.

hestipod 9y ago
Hi. I am sorry to hear your situation is similar. My email is in my profile but I will be honest up front that I am dealing with so much right now that I wouldn't be a good friend and hate disappointing anyone so please don't expect much or feel slighted.
- simion314 9y ago
  I understand, I have exchanged messages with a other person, it was like an email at the end of the week checking up on what happen that week. I am not sure how to set emails public, I can't see your email, you can contact me at my_hn_id@gmail.com, I am not offended if you don't want to connect so don't worry about me.
  - hestipod 9y ago
    Thanks. I know my email was there in the profile, even if cryptically in the info bit as others have written me. Maybe I changed a privacy setting inadvertently and will check. I dont want you to get spammed posting your email in the open here as they seem to even vacuum up attempts at ciphering them like that, so if you care about that or want to delete yours in the above post I have saved it.
    - simion314 9y ago
      I found it, but contact me when/if you feel you are in the mood. I know how it is, sometimes you want to be alone sometimes you hate how lonely you are.
      - hestipod 9y ago
        Sure thing. I appreciate it :)

doughj3 9y ago

> A "remote social life" is not even close to the same thing and chats online or the phone with "disposable friends" and strangers who have a clear and easy disconnect from your real life don't fill the hole a lack of enduring, present human contact leaves and usually take precious energy with no real benefit. Maybe this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Anecdotally, I and others I know have formed deep, meaningful relationships with people online. I think the hardest part of that is finding small communities - i.e, it's hard to make meaningful connections in a sub-reddit filled with 100,000 people, but in niche forums and chatrooms, with userbases in the dozens, I think it's much more feasible.

hestipod 9y ago
I've been in this situation to worsening degrees for 15 years...It really upsets me to hear people say I am causing it (self fulfilling) or not doing it right. I am glad you were able to make connections online...it's not something that replaces that need in me. I need real life face to face interaction. It is also farther down the list than my immediate problems and having a new friend is not going to fix my life or even make it bearable right now...I know for some people solidarity in suffering helps but relationships of any kind drain me with all thats going on and I have to ration my energy. The loss of connections is just another effect of my major issues that piles on and without addressing those the rest can't change. Sorry if I sound rude...I don't intend it. It's just so hard to hear the same "just get a hobby" or "just make friends online" or "you must just be doing it wrong since it works for me" stuff repeatedly. If it were something that worked for me I'd be doing it because this life is pure misery for me from most all angles.
- doughj3 9y ago
  You don't come off as rude and I didn't mean to imply you're causing it; sorry if my comment was upsetting. I was trying to point out that it's easy to get stuck in your kind of situation and become, for lack of a better word, pessimistic. Obviously everyone is different and, as you say, "online socialization" may just not fill that need for you (and others). Given the situation of relative isolation physically / geographically ("rural unconnected America"), I was only trying to offer the idea that connecting to people online can be possible for some, though it does take time and effort which may be hard to expend after years of feeling there is no return on that investment. Again, apologies if I painted with too broad a brush.

imoldfella 9y ago

Go to church, what have you got to lose? With all its problems every church is filled with nice people and I guarantee with a few calls (probably 1) you will find someone that will pick you up and take you. No matter how rural you are, there is a church close by.

atomical 9y ago
This can work up to a point. They are looking for something in return. Your belief, money, or both.
- doughj3 9y ago
  The church may be looking for those things; the churchgoers, however, not so much.
  - atomical 9y ago
    Q: Would you like to become a member? A: No thank you. I'm an atheist who is just here for the social interaction and community. How does this end well?
    - tripa 9y ago
      I actually don't see why it shouldn't. As mentioned above, most churchgoers are nice people, and I can't conceive of anyone throwing the atheist out on grounds of “convert or leave”.
      - astura 9y ago
        That's pretty wishful (or perhaps naïve) thinking. A family member of mine literary hasn't spoken to me in over two decades because I told her I didn't believe in god when I was 12. She asked me out of nowhere, I said no, that was it, I was no longer to be in her life in any capacity. She also tries to meddle in my business telling other people I am not to be trusted because "you can only trust someone who fears god." Its been my experience that most people who are devout enough to go to church are exactly the "convert or leave" type. Church is a very tribal place. Not to mention that the type of people who want to spend their time doing church activities are people I find horrifically boring and have ZERO common ground with. May be less so if you're male.

abledon 9y ago

You'd really like the 3rd act of the movie "Certain Women" (2016). It's about rural life for people with small, or non-existent support nets.

adamsea 9y ago

Two quick thoughts - a language class or a cooking class. No idea if those would be appropriate to your circumstances, however they exist all over, in a variety of intensities, and are things on my own "to-do" list. Shared w/good intentions.

jij290sdj 9y ago

I'm living the same life. It was hard, but eventually I emotionally realized I wasn't lonely, but anxious about the perception of what it looked to not want to socialize like folks generally seem to do. More of a self-doubt that said I must be lame for not having a life. So I built one for myself through writing, music, and art. All can be done on the cheap (notebook/pencils, and I make digital music with free tools -- no I don't share it, because it's for me, not anyone else, and IDGAF what people think of that) Over time I quit caring. Now I rather loath people. Or maybe more fairly, I loath modern social existence. I have no interest in approving of others cat pics, or some miraculous bullshit they want to sell, eating at McDonalds or even being friendly at the grocery; those are banal utilitarian tasks, not things I put emotional energy into. Modern culture has reduced life to a whole lot of pointless, contribute nothing of real value to, interactions. I hate brainless chitchat in meatspace as much as I hate liking on FB and retweeting. So I create. And I'm happy. Fuck other people if they're not because of it. I don't need their approval.

lambda_lover 9y ago

I know you're getting a lot of unsolicited advice here, but I'd like to throw in my suggestion since you don't seem interested/capable of a lot of the suggested hobbies. I found myself in a similar situation in the past (health + geographical isolation) and becoming heavily involved and eventually and admin of a web forum was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I'm no longer involved, but it was a wonderful place with a really supportive community better than anything I've experienced in real life outside of college. If you find yourself on your computer for a large portion of the day anyway, it's a great way to make those hours more productive due to friendship :)

changechan 9y ago

its all about perspective. I live remotely and hardly interact with anyone and I'm very happy. It helps i am INPJ but it really shouldn't matter. You just need to change your view of life. For me, it was reading and practing CBD books. Also you need to get rid of people that are negative or resent you. That being said I have 1000 plant starts going today and need to transplant 300 more. THen I need to clean the greenhouse out and build raised beds. I'm to busy to be lonely. You need to get engaged with your own life and forget about what others think of you aka get rid of your want for peer acceptance.

fern12 9y ago

I'm also a middle-aged introvert. Outside of work, the only people I really talk to are my sisters, neither of whom live nearby. One thing that's helped me is fostering rescue dogs with a local organization. I only foster for a few days here and there, but it really makes a difference to feel some life around my apartment.