7 ms·

Weighing on every new dad I ever met (at least in the background) is, "How the hell am I gonna pay for all this?"

deleted 9y ago
[deleted]
taeric 9y ago
That isn't limited to dads. Nor is it not recognized by single people. There is an XKCD that jokes about being able to have a treasure chest where some cars have families posted.
cdubzzz 9y ago
Brott writes about this a bit in his books - mostly about the societal expectation of father as "bread winner" who should be concerned about the fiscal side of child-rearing because that is his (some might say sole) responsibility vs. mother as care-giver and nurturer. You can count me as at least one new dad you've, well, not necessarily met, whose primary concern is more along the lines of, "How the hell am I gonna be involved with my son's life?" (:
- navbaker 9y ago
  >>"How the hell am I gonna be involved with my son's life?" I’m actually in the process of changing careers due to the realization that remaining on my current track would put me at work before they get out of bed and home from work after they’re in bed for the next 15-ish years. I refuse to miss my kids growing up during this one shot at life I have.
  - cdubzzz 9y ago
    I hear ya. I am also in the process of a career shift brought about by our change in priorities after our son was born. The unfortunate thing is that I am losing some of my schedule flexibility (at least in the near term), but the reason for our (coast to coast) move is to be closer to immediate family so that they can also be a more involved part of our son's life. It's really amazing to me how this child has changed us and our lives. Not to say that my wife and I expected the kid to pop out and life to return to business as usual, just that I didn't truly comprehend how profoundly this experience would change me. It's intense.
    - le-mark 9y ago
      to be closer to immediate family so that they can also be a more involved part of our son's life. This is so huge, not only so your kids know their extended family, but also to have some basic help. We've found that even my sister who lives 45 minutes away is just a bit too far to see them as frequently as we'd like, with her busy family and all. My advice is to move closer than you think you ought to!
    - manmal 9y ago
      Now wait what a second kid can do to your schedule flexibility :) It‘s not twice the change, but times 4, at least in the first two years.
  - jeffwass 9y ago
    One suggestion - are you able to shift your hours to see your kids either before or after? I’ve been able to arrange things and arrive at work a bit later, so I see my kids each morning and take them to school. Then I stay a bit later at work. It also means I don’t see them most weeknights, but I see them every morning (barring the rare unmovable meeting). Some of my colleagues do opposite. But there are also parents that just don’t see their kids at all until the weekend.
    - navbaker 9y ago
      Unfortunately no. I am military right now so my hours are what my boss and meeting schedule says they are.
      - Caveman_Coder 9y ago
        Been there done that, its tough but it gets a lot better when you get out of the military.
  - poulsbohemian 9y ago
    I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I make a lot less than I once did, but not being a road warrior, being able to walk my kids to school each morning, being able to take them to their activities -- I think it's a worthwhile tradeoff. Good on you for being cognizant of the challenge of family vs. work and making some hard choices.
SirFatty 9y ago
Upvoted... it's completely true. Additionally, I cannot imagine why you need to read a book about something like this. Questions? Talk to your parents or pediatrician.
- dragonwriter 9y ago
  Your parents likely aren't experts and your you want to make efficient use of your time consulting withstand pediatrician on details, so getting good, expert-written books to cover as much of the general space as possible is a perfectly reasonable strategy. The problem, of course, is finding those books.
  - SirFatty 9y ago
    You illustrate my point exactly, it's not that complicated. I have two young men that my wife and I raised without (GASP) the need of a book. Crazy, I know.. go ahead and mod this comment down also.
    - allannienhuis 9y ago
      Just because you were able to do so doesn't mean that everyone else will be able to do so. Many people don't have good parenting role models in their lives. If the ability to parent well were somehow built-in to us, there would be a lot fewer single-parent homes out there. For some (many) people the wisdom found in well written and researched books will be invaluable. I'm not sure why you seem to come across so strongly against the idea.
    - Angostura 9y ago
      Did you lay the baby on its front or back when you put it to bed?
- jtbayly 9y ago
  You must not be aware of how many millions of men and women have parents that are at best divorced, at worst completely absent or even unknown. And no, pediatricians can't fill that gap.
jakobegger 9y ago
The amount of money that you can spend on a child is virtually unlimited. But almost all of it absolutely optional. Sure, you’ll need diapers and a car seat, but beyond that there’s not a lot that’s absolutely necessary. There’s so much stuff that people think they need to buy, ranging from special vitamins during pregnancy to hypoallergenic formula and baby swimming lessons and educational toys for every age bracket... And then you realise that people who make half the money you do get along just fine and their kids are doing fine and somehow they only need half as much money. Sure, we do spend a lot of money on semi-useful kids stuff (like those skiing lessons that our older son didn’t want to continue after the second day...), but it’s all optional, and if we didn’t have kids I’d probably have a nicer car, but who cares.
- cdubzzz 9y ago
  This was a very important lesson my wife and I received from one of her (married with four children) sisters. Before we decided to have a child, the money aspect was indeed stressing us both out - you can find all kinds of wild estimations on the Internet and in books for the "cost of a child" - and understanding this was eye opening.
- nradov 9y ago
  The folic acid supplements should be considered absolutely necessary. Fortunately they're very cheap. https://www.marchofdimes.org/pregnancy/folic-acid.aspx https://www.marchofdimes.org/pregnancy/folic-acid.aspx
  - manmal 9y ago
    You mean, during pregnancy? Those are really dirt cheap. We opted for a more expensive multivitamin that also had a bit of fish oil in it, but that’s optional. It cost €20 per month.
- trhway 9y ago
  My understanding that vitamin deficiency can be bad, like for example follic acid - spina bifida, vit D - autism. Most people don't have the deficiency of course, yet how to prevent it when they do, and how to detect it?
Angostura 9y ago
Have a wife who earns more than you? Then you have the option of the fun of being a stay at home dad. Job done.
- unit91 9y ago
  > stay at home dad Most (not all) of the time I've observed this, "stay at home dad" is a euphemism for "lazy bum".
desireco42 9y ago
I think this is excellent idea for a book :)

deleted 9y ago

[deleted]

That isn't limited to dads. Nor is it not recognized by single people. There is an XKCD that jokes about being able to have a treasure chest where some cars have families posted.

cdubzzz 9y ago

Brott writes about this a bit in his books - mostly about the societal expectation of father as "bread winner" who should be concerned about the fiscal side of child-rearing because that is his (some might say sole) responsibility vs. mother as care-giver and nurturer. You can count me as at least one new dad you've, well, not necessarily met, whose primary concern is more along the lines of, "How the hell am I gonna be involved with my son's life?" (:

navbaker 9y ago
>>"How the hell am I gonna be involved with my son's life?" I’m actually in the process of changing careers due to the realization that remaining on my current track would put me at work before they get out of bed and home from work after they’re in bed for the next 15-ish years. I refuse to miss my kids growing up during this one shot at life I have.
- cdubzzz 9y ago
  I hear ya. I am also in the process of a career shift brought about by our change in priorities after our son was born. The unfortunate thing is that I am losing some of my schedule flexibility (at least in the near term), but the reason for our (coast to coast) move is to be closer to immediate family so that they can also be a more involved part of our son's life. It's really amazing to me how this child has changed us and our lives. Not to say that my wife and I expected the kid to pop out and life to return to business as usual, just that I didn't truly comprehend how profoundly this experience would change me. It's intense.
  - le-mark 9y ago
    to be closer to immediate family so that they can also be a more involved part of our son's life. This is so huge, not only so your kids know their extended family, but also to have some basic help. We've found that even my sister who lives 45 minutes away is just a bit too far to see them as frequently as we'd like, with her busy family and all. My advice is to move closer than you think you ought to!
  - manmal 9y ago
    Now wait what a second kid can do to your schedule flexibility :) It‘s not twice the change, but times 4, at least in the first two years.
- jeffwass 9y ago
  One suggestion - are you able to shift your hours to see your kids either before or after? I’ve been able to arrange things and arrive at work a bit later, so I see my kids each morning and take them to school. Then I stay a bit later at work. It also means I don’t see them most weeknights, but I see them every morning (barring the rare unmovable meeting). Some of my colleagues do opposite. But there are also parents that just don’t see their kids at all until the weekend.
  - navbaker 9y ago
    Unfortunately no. I am military right now so my hours are what my boss and meeting schedule says they are.
    - Caveman_Coder 9y ago
      Been there done that, its tough but it gets a lot better when you get out of the military.
- poulsbohemian 9y ago
  I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I make a lot less than I once did, but not being a road warrior, being able to walk my kids to school each morning, being able to take them to their activities -- I think it's a worthwhile tradeoff. Good on you for being cognizant of the challenge of family vs. work and making some hard choices.

SirFatty 9y ago

Upvoted... it's completely true. Additionally, I cannot imagine why you need to read a book about something like this. Questions? Talk to your parents or pediatrician.

dragonwriter 9y ago
Your parents likely aren't experts and your you want to make efficient use of your time consulting withstand pediatrician on details, so getting good, expert-written books to cover as much of the general space as possible is a perfectly reasonable strategy. The problem, of course, is finding those books.
- SirFatty 9y ago
  You illustrate my point exactly, it's not that complicated. I have two young men that my wife and I raised without (GASP) the need of a book. Crazy, I know.. go ahead and mod this comment down also.
  - allannienhuis 9y ago
    Just because you were able to do so doesn't mean that everyone else will be able to do so. Many people don't have good parenting role models in their lives. If the ability to parent well were somehow built-in to us, there would be a lot fewer single-parent homes out there. For some (many) people the wisdom found in well written and researched books will be invaluable. I'm not sure why you seem to come across so strongly against the idea.
  - Angostura 9y ago
    Did you lay the baby on its front or back when you put it to bed?
jtbayly 9y ago
You must not be aware of how many millions of men and women have parents that are at best divorced, at worst completely absent or even unknown. And no, pediatricians can't fill that gap.

jakobegger 9y ago

The amount of money that you can spend on a child is virtually unlimited. But almost all of it absolutely optional. Sure, you’ll need diapers and a car seat, but beyond that there’s not a lot that’s absolutely necessary. There’s so much stuff that people think they need to buy, ranging from special vitamins during pregnancy to hypoallergenic formula and baby swimming lessons and educational toys for every age bracket... And then you realise that people who make half the money you do get along just fine and their kids are doing fine and somehow they only need half as much money. Sure, we do spend a lot of money on semi-useful kids stuff (like those skiing lessons that our older son didn’t want to continue after the second day...), but it’s all optional, and if we didn’t have kids I’d probably have a nicer car, but who cares.

cdubzzz 9y ago
This was a very important lesson my wife and I received from one of her (married with four children) sisters. Before we decided to have a child, the money aspect was indeed stressing us both out - you can find all kinds of wild estimations on the Internet and in books for the "cost of a child" - and understanding this was eye opening.
nradov 9y ago
The folic acid supplements should be considered absolutely necessary. Fortunately they're very cheap. https://www.marchofdimes.org/pregnancy/folic-acid.aspx https://www.marchofdimes.org/pregnancy/folic-acid.aspx
- manmal 9y ago
  You mean, during pregnancy? Those are really dirt cheap. We opted for a more expensive multivitamin that also had a bit of fish oil in it, but that’s optional. It cost €20 per month.
trhway 9y ago
My understanding that vitamin deficiency can be bad, like for example follic acid - spina bifida, vit D - autism. Most people don't have the deficiency of course, yet how to prevent it when they do, and how to detect it?

Angostura 9y ago

Have a wife who earns more than you? Then you have the option of the fun of being a stay at home dad. Job done.

unit91 9y ago
> stay at home dad Most (not all) of the time I've observed this, "stay at home dad" is a euphemism for "lazy bum".

desireco42 9y ago

I think this is excellent idea for a book :)