5 ms·

Wasn't especting to see this kind of article referenced on HN, and it hit me hard. I'm 41, partner is too, and would give absolutely anything to have a child o

by Dunan 9y ago

Wasn't especting to see this kind of article referenced on HN, and it hit me hard. I'm 41, partner is too, and would give absolutely anything to have a child of my own. She was never ready until just recently. I can't even go an hour without thinking about it...

noir_lord 9y ago
I hope it works out for you :). OTH I'm 37, at 15 I said I didn't want kids and everyone said "you'll change your mind", 22 years later I still haven't changed my mind in the slightest. My partner has a little boy though and he's great, it's just I personally don't want kids (parents had mental health issues, I had a rough upbringing and I wouldn't want that for someone I was responsible for creating).
- Dunan 9y ago
  I had a rough upbringing too, and my parents (who would never admit to that) were a lot mellower with my sister, a decade younger than my brother and I am and born when my parents were almost 40, so when I was in my 20s I feared being like my own parents and wanted to have kids in my 30s. I didn't worry too much about it and had no idea that the panic and depression would sneak up on me like this. In your case I certainly hope you don't suddenly change your mind!
- deleted 9y ago
  [deleted]
sitkack 9y ago
I don't know your physiology, but 41 is entirely doable for most folks. I did have a friend that went through menopause at 37, they needed to go for a donor egg. That said, evolution has a power greater than the tallest dam. That desire you are feeling is how we all got here. Be ok with the desire or the choice not being rational. And it very well may change _after_ you have a child. Also be ok with that, just give a respectful nod to evolution.
- chaostheory 9y ago
  I agree that it's possible but at a price. I could be wrong but I think it costs about 50k USD for 3 IVF attempts (marketed at buy 2 get 1 FREE) in the SF Bay Area. Monetary cost isnt the biggest issue either; it's not entirely safe. Anecdotal - I know someone who developed major thyroid issues after 3 IVF attempts.
  - Dunan 9y ago
    $50k is real money -- it's more than I earn in a year -- but I'd pay it (or double, or triple) without question if it meant having our own child. The problem with IVF is that it's not guaranteed. Would I part with a year's salary for a 10% chance of having a child? How about 90%? These are scary calculations to make in your mind... and those percentages go down with each passing month.
yodsanklai 9y ago
42, I don't want kids. People keep telling me that: I'd be happier if I had one, that they thought like me until they had one, that they wished they had them sooner, or more of them and so on... I like my life as it is now and don't feel the appeal for kids. Should I take the risk because everybody says so?
- paulcole 9y ago
  No! Why would you do something just because other people want you to do it, especially something that can't be undone like having a kid. Misery loves company. There's a discussion about the regret of having kids here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=16132955 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=16132955
- jdietrich 9y ago
  >Should I take the risk because everybody says so? Do you trust the opinions or a bunch of random people more than your own judgement? Do you think that these people have some insight into your psyche that you don't?
- aidenn0 9y ago
  Two words: Hell No. I'm saying that despite having kids and being glad that I made that decision. I've seen way too many relationships destroyed because one or both of the couple were pressured into having kids that they didn't want. It's not pretty.
  - jobu 9y ago
    Agreed. Do not put a human life through the hell of not being wanted.
- dqpb 9y ago
  Millions of years of evolution have led to you. Now you have the fascinating choice of whether or not to end this branch.
  - bunfunton 9y ago
Aaargh20318 9y ago
You realise this is just your instincts talking, not your rational brain. Why do you think the world needs another human being ? Is it just for your personal entertainment ? Do you think it’s ethical to create a conscious entity that will have to suffer through 80+ years on this planet for the sole purpose of satisfying your primitive reproduction instincts ?
- Dunan 9y ago
  " Do you think it’s ethical to create a conscious entity that will have to suffer through 80+ years on this planet for the sole purpose of satisfying your primitive reproduction instincts ?" In what way would my child be "suffering"? We plan to be the best parents we can possibly be. We will not be perfect, of course, but we certainly want the opportunity to try.
- sctb 9y ago
  Part of the standards of civility for this site is the acknowledgement that life is complicated and undeserving of dismissal. Please approach such topics with thoughtful curiosity and not reductionist finger wagging. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
soperj 9y ago
For what it's worth, my boss just had 2 kids at age 49 and 50.
kingmanaz 9y ago
If your wife is open, try IVF. Also, if her eggs are non viable (which becomes more likely after 40), frozen donor eggs are increasingly affordable (~$15,000-$20,000) and the success rate at some clinics crossed north of ~70% recently. There are several clinics which list donors' psychological profiles (including IQ), national/ethnic pedigree, physical attributes, and provide photos. The following clinic provides the above, is based out of Chicago, and is often recommended at PVED.org: https://www.advancedfertility.com/donor-egg-success-rates.htm https://www.advancedfertility.com/donor-egg-success-rates.ht... ...there's another clinic based out of San Diego which is often recommended, though its prices were a bit higher than the former option as of a couple years ago. PVED should have the exact name. Good luck to you and your wife.
patorjk 9y ago
You should consider adoption. You'll get to be a dad and you wont have to worry about the issues related to your wife having a child in her 40's.
mlevental 9y ago
I don't mean to offend but what is the difference to you that the child is genetically yours? why not adopt?
- fjsolwmv 9y ago
  There is a moral answer to that question and there is a primal answer to that question. Several, in fact.
- knicholes 9y ago
  I wanted my kids to be my own genetically so I can better relate to them (and their genetic quirkiness. Tourettes runs HARD throughout my family) and give them some good insight to family diseases to be aware of.
- dgabriel 9y ago
  Adoption is expensive, difficult, and often heartbreaking. I hate it when people casually throw out adoption as a solution without understanding anything about the process.
- simonsarris 9y ago
  Some try to take a fundamentally 'rational' approach to life, or view it through the lens of cost/benefit, especially fiscal cost benefit. In fact I have some friends who do not want children simply because they will cost too much money. This brand of rationality is very alien to me. It makes all the difference in the world if the child is genetically one's own child. It is not a toy or a cat. It is an emotional extension of your own being that culminates in having its own identity. It is both you and not you. I fear that if you cannot intuitively grok the difference that it makes, there is no 'rational' way to convince you that it matters.
  - jdtang13 9y ago
    Very well articulated.
- tathougies 9y ago
  There are more parents willing to adopt than children available for adoption. While there are some children still awaiting immediate adoption right now, many of these children have very very specialized needs which (I'd guess) most people would not be able to handle because they do not have the right training.
dogprez 9y ago
I saw my cousin and my aunt both go through fertility problems. My aunt was about your age when they adopted a little girl, it was a very happy story and the daughter just left home for college this year. My cousin and her husband fought hard to conceive, spending anguish and money to make it happen. Even the suggestion that they should adopt was hurtful to them. They were completely closed to the idea. After years of pain they finally reversed their opinion on adoption and adopted a little boy 3 years ago and it has meant the world to them. I haven't personally had to go through this luckily and I know adoption isn't the easiest either but if being a parent is something someone wants, it's worth fighting to make sure no child is left without a good home. I'm not to say you should do one thing or the other, just something to consider, much love.
pstuart 9y ago
My wife and I struggled with fertility issues and ended up adopting embryos. We have twins now :-). FYI, we have a couple of embryos left and are looking to donate them....
magic_beans 9y ago
I am 26, in a very healthy relationship in which we both can't wait for children... It's just that we live in New York, and we can just barely afford rent on our apartment. By the time I'm financially stable enough to have children, I very well might be 40 and no longer able to conceive.
- 52-6F-62 9y ago
  I've had a few discussions on this subject with my present girlfriend. (We're downtown Toronto) I think one of the glimmers of hope is the lengthening of healthy child-bearing years as of late (in wealthy, first-world countries, anyway). That said, the changes in your life between 26 and 30 can very well be monumental. They were for me. It's probably best not to stress yourself out about it. However if it's a real ambition, I'm sure you'll find yourself and your partner assessing different options as you go along. Some options and paths that seem distant and unimaginable now can end up closer and more realistic. Just don't expect things to suddenly get easier. They might not (and probably won't). It's just that the possible solutions might become more apparent, and the results of your actions pursuing those goals be more fulfilling.

by Dunan 9y ago

noir_lord 9y ago

I hope it works out for you :). OTH I'm 37, at 15 I said I didn't want kids and everyone said "you'll change your mind", 22 years later I still haven't changed my mind in the slightest. My partner has a little boy though and he's great, it's just I personally don't want kids (parents had mental health issues, I had a rough upbringing and I wouldn't want that for someone I was responsible for creating).

Dunan 9y ago
I had a rough upbringing too, and my parents (who would never admit to that) were a lot mellower with my sister, a decade younger than my brother and I am and born when my parents were almost 40, so when I was in my 20s I feared being like my own parents and wanted to have kids in my 30s. I didn't worry too much about it and had no idea that the panic and depression would sneak up on me like this. In your case I certainly hope you don't suddenly change your mind!
deleted 9y ago
[deleted]

sitkack 9y ago

I don't know your physiology, but 41 is entirely doable for most folks. I did have a friend that went through menopause at 37, they needed to go for a donor egg. That said, evolution has a power greater than the tallest dam. That desire you are feeling is how we all got here. Be ok with the desire or the choice not being rational. And it very well may change _after_ you have a child. Also be ok with that, just give a respectful nod to evolution.

chaostheory 9y ago
I agree that it's possible but at a price. I could be wrong but I think it costs about 50k USD for 3 IVF attempts (marketed at buy 2 get 1 FREE) in the SF Bay Area. Monetary cost isnt the biggest issue either; it's not entirely safe. Anecdotal - I know someone who developed major thyroid issues after 3 IVF attempts.
- Dunan 9y ago
  $50k is real money -- it's more than I earn in a year -- but I'd pay it (or double, or triple) without question if it meant having our own child. The problem with IVF is that it's not guaranteed. Would I part with a year's salary for a 10% chance of having a child? How about 90%? These are scary calculations to make in your mind... and those percentages go down with each passing month.

yodsanklai 9y ago

42, I don't want kids. People keep telling me that: I'd be happier if I had one, that they thought like me until they had one, that they wished they had them sooner, or more of them and so on... I like my life as it is now and don't feel the appeal for kids. Should I take the risk because everybody says so?

paulcole 9y ago
No! Why would you do something just because other people want you to do it, especially something that can't be undone like having a kid. Misery loves company. There's a discussion about the regret of having kids here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=16132955 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=16132955
jdietrich 9y ago
>Should I take the risk because everybody says so? Do you trust the opinions or a bunch of random people more than your own judgement? Do you think that these people have some insight into your psyche that you don't?
aidenn0 9y ago
Two words: Hell No. I'm saying that despite having kids and being glad that I made that decision. I've seen way too many relationships destroyed because one or both of the couple were pressured into having kids that they didn't want. It's not pretty.
- jobu 9y ago
  Agreed. Do not put a human life through the hell of not being wanted.
dqpb 9y ago
Millions of years of evolution have led to you. Now you have the fascinating choice of whether or not to end this branch.
- bunfunton 9y ago

Aaargh20318 9y ago

You realise this is just your instincts talking, not your rational brain. Why do you think the world needs another human being ? Is it just for your personal entertainment ? Do you think it’s ethical to create a conscious entity that will have to suffer through 80+ years on this planet for the sole purpose of satisfying your primitive reproduction instincts ?

Dunan 9y ago
" Do you think it’s ethical to create a conscious entity that will have to suffer through 80+ years on this planet for the sole purpose of satisfying your primitive reproduction instincts ?" In what way would my child be "suffering"? We plan to be the best parents we can possibly be. We will not be perfect, of course, but we certainly want the opportunity to try.
sctb 9y ago
Part of the standards of civility for this site is the acknowledgement that life is complicated and undeserving of dismissal. Please approach such topics with thoughtful curiosity and not reductionist finger wagging. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html

soperj 9y ago

For what it's worth, my boss just had 2 kids at age 49 and 50.

kingmanaz 9y ago

If your wife is open, try IVF. Also, if her eggs are non viable (which becomes more likely after 40), frozen donor eggs are increasingly affordable (~$15,000-$20,000) and the success rate at some clinics crossed north of ~70% recently. There are several clinics which list donors' psychological profiles (including IQ), national/ethnic pedigree, physical attributes, and provide photos. The following clinic provides the above, is based out of Chicago, and is often recommended at PVED.org: https://www.advancedfertility.com/donor-egg-success-rates.htm https://www.advancedfertility.com/donor-egg-success-rates.ht... ...there's another clinic based out of San Diego which is often recommended, though its prices were a bit higher than the former option as of a couple years ago. PVED should have the exact name. Good luck to you and your wife.

patorjk 9y ago

You should consider adoption. You'll get to be a dad and you wont have to worry about the issues related to your wife having a child in her 40's.

mlevental 9y ago

I don't mean to offend but what is the difference to you that the child is genetically yours? why not adopt?

fjsolwmv 9y ago
There is a moral answer to that question and there is a primal answer to that question. Several, in fact.
knicholes 9y ago
I wanted my kids to be my own genetically so I can better relate to them (and their genetic quirkiness. Tourettes runs HARD throughout my family) and give them some good insight to family diseases to be aware of.
dgabriel 9y ago
Adoption is expensive, difficult, and often heartbreaking. I hate it when people casually throw out adoption as a solution without understanding anything about the process.
simonsarris 9y ago
Some try to take a fundamentally 'rational' approach to life, or view it through the lens of cost/benefit, especially fiscal cost benefit. In fact I have some friends who do not want children simply because they will cost too much money. This brand of rationality is very alien to me. It makes all the difference in the world if the child is genetically one's own child. It is not a toy or a cat. It is an emotional extension of your own being that culminates in having its own identity. It is both you and not you. I fear that if you cannot intuitively grok the difference that it makes, there is no 'rational' way to convince you that it matters.
- jdtang13 9y ago
  Very well articulated.
tathougies 9y ago
There are more parents willing to adopt than children available for adoption. While there are some children still awaiting immediate adoption right now, many of these children have very very specialized needs which (I'd guess) most people would not be able to handle because they do not have the right training.

dogprez 9y ago

I saw my cousin and my aunt both go through fertility problems. My aunt was about your age when they adopted a little girl, it was a very happy story and the daughter just left home for college this year. My cousin and her husband fought hard to conceive, spending anguish and money to make it happen. Even the suggestion that they should adopt was hurtful to them. They were completely closed to the idea. After years of pain they finally reversed their opinion on adoption and adopted a little boy 3 years ago and it has meant the world to them. I haven't personally had to go through this luckily and I know adoption isn't the easiest either but if being a parent is something someone wants, it's worth fighting to make sure no child is left without a good home. I'm not to say you should do one thing or the other, just something to consider, much love.

pstuart 9y ago

My wife and I struggled with fertility issues and ended up adopting embryos. We have twins now :-). FYI, we have a couple of embryos left and are looking to donate them....

magic_beans 9y ago

I am 26, in a very healthy relationship in which we both can't wait for children... It's just that we live in New York, and we can just barely afford rent on our apartment. By the time I'm financially stable enough to have children, I very well might be 40 and no longer able to conceive.

52-6F-62 9y ago
I've had a few discussions on this subject with my present girlfriend. (We're downtown Toronto) I think one of the glimmers of hope is the lengthening of healthy child-bearing years as of late (in wealthy, first-world countries, anyway). That said, the changes in your life between 26 and 30 can very well be monumental. They were for me. It's probably best not to stress yourself out about it. However if it's a real ambition, I'm sure you'll find yourself and your partner assessing different options as you go along. Some options and paths that seem distant and unimaginable now can end up closer and more realistic. Just don't expect things to suddenly get easier. They might not (and probably won't). It's just that the possible solutions might become more apparent, and the results of your actions pursuing those goals be more fulfilling.