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"My husband is a programmer; I have no idea what that means."
- joelhaasnoot 16y agoThis is a good read! Ran into something today where I used the same i variable for two nested for loops, and told my gf about how it was frustrating but simple once found. It was wonderful to hear she actually understood, having taken some basic college (web) programming courses. That kind of simple understanding really can make your day, and reinforce the relationship.
- dpritchett 16y agoSite seems to have died. The entire text is reposted at this reddit comment: http://www.reddit.com/r/programming/comments/d02be/my_husband_is_a_programmer_i_have_no_idea_what/c0wjlgr http://www.reddit.com/r/programming/comments/d02be/my_husban... Do you get that glazed, faraway look in your eye when you partner starts talking about a programming problem, or the newest testing framework? There’s no need to be bored. Ask questions, try to understand! When I meet women today, I don’t avoid talking about the work that I do, my love for pc gaming, or my fascination with D&D and other such geekery. Often I’ll get a response along these lines: “Programming? My husband does something like that I think.” To which I always inquire, “Oh really? What language does he work with?” Their response is always the same: “Language? huh. I have no idea. There’s more than one? I don’t really know what he does. I don’t pay attention to that stuff.” This always blows my mind. You’re married to someone, and you aren’t interested enough in the person to know anything about what they do with nearly 40-50% of their time, aside from their job title? ... (click the link above to continue, I don't want to repost the entire text)
- raquo 16y agoOK, obligatory inversion: What do you (programmer/etc.) know about your girlfriend's passion?
- jf 16y agoYes. My wife is an artist. Learning more about her passion is fun and has tangibly enriched my life.
- mapleoin 16y agoThat's exactly what I was thinking. This needs to be a major factor that I'll take into consideration in my next relationships. It's not just about my interest in what the other person is doing, it's also about that person taking the time and having the patience to explain what they're doing on a daily basis to someone from outside the field.
- russell 16y agoMy GF is an artist who uses old masters' techniques to paint modern themes, like dead flowers and the washroom at an LA shipyard. So I know a bit about how they mixed paints, even to the point of grinding pigments myself. And color and composition and glazes and and and. I work 250 miles from home, so every evening we talk about painting. (And occasional rants about her dealings with the telecommunications infrastructure. :-) EDIT: Her work is absolutely stunning and I am very proud of her.
- mattwdelong 16y agoIt means that when your site goes down, there is a pretty good chance your husband can put it back up for you.
- mbubb 16y agoHappened to my wife and I during her citizenship interviews. Brief panic. Mumbling - eventually she came out with, "he does something with computers". Good enough for the INS
- dennisgorelik 16y agoGreat observation. That [lack of knowledge about husband's profession] reflects reality of most marriages.
- run4yourlives 16y agoCitation please.
- jbooth 16y agoJust use "many". Weasel word, no citation needed! "Many democrats were concerned with the Obama admin's decision to..." Bang. Asserted!
- Devilboy 16y agoNow I can truthfully write: "Observers say that many democrats were concerned with the Obama admin's decision to..."
- megablast 16y agoClearly you are not a journalist: "Experts say that many democrats were concerned with the Obama admin's decision to..."
- pbhjpbhj 16y agoOr for extra juice: "Our source, who requested to remain anonymous, wanted us to know that many democrats were concerned with the Obama admin's decision to..."
- techiferous 16y agoI'm a computer geek and met my future wife at college. She also "lived directly across the hall from me". She thinks programming is cool and enjoyed the programming course she took in college. She became a teacher for a while and I thought that was cool and joined her (at the same school) for three years. So I totally agree with this blog article. Be interested in what your significant other is doing; it's better that way.
- Infomus 16y ago"It was no accident that years later I knew that “Ruby on Rails” wasn’t a rebellious act of sacrificing precious gems on railroad tracks in hipster neighborhoods." News to me!
- Mgccl 16y agoIs it me or am I reading too much into "Finding out that he also played guitar sealed the deal. " My first thought was this comic: http://www.explosm.net/comics/897/ http://www.explosm.net/comics/897/
- run4yourlives 16y agoWife with remarkably similar interests to husband takes interest in his passions, story at 11. Hrm. Not that I disagree, but it is abundantly clear that this husband and wife combo are very similar people. At least on her end. If she is suggesting that she learned Ruby and started writing a blog because she wanted to know her husband better I'm calling BS. She did these things because she herself is interested in them. If I am to be cynical: She shares her husband's interests, that much is clear, but is the experience mutual, and if not is she in any position to critique others? He was a trooper. This is what you say when you know someone is participating in an activity simply because they know you enjoy it, not so much because they are avid hikers (or rubyists) themselves. None of that bothers me. In fact it seems to be - at least on her part - the key to enjoying life with another person. What bothers me is that she openly mocks women that don't seem to have an passion for all the things their husbands do. It ignores that there (should be) a whole lot more to a person that a single passion. It ignores that many of those particular things may be what is shared. Most importantly it ignores the fact that she actually isn't doing what she claims to be doing at all. There is no reason why any particular passion should be elevated to a level that it cannot be "excluded" from an important relationship, provided there are shared experiences in other areas. To suggest otherwise says more about the person with the passion than the one forced to accept it, really.
- kscaldef 16y agoShe doesn't say that couples have to have the same passions. She says that you should at least know something about what your partner does, beyond just their job title.
- run4yourlives 16y agoAnd that's what I question, for two reasons: 1. The example of herself is invalid. Her interests in Ruby go beyond an interest in her husband's passion. They are her own passions. For some reason I don't think his interest in ballet is of the same quality. I'm sure there is something that she "tolerates" rather than "also enjoys", but she doesn't provide any data here. 2. I don't think it's required for my wife to know my programming passion to the levels of knowing that I prefer Python as a language any more than she should be required to know that the pilot-in-common sits on the left side of the aircraft in that profession. The fact is that your programming passion in many cases is just one of your many interests. Provided that there are many areas that overlap with a significant other, in my mind it is silly to criticize those that don't share this particular one.
- balding_n_tired 16y ago"Is it dangerous to draw a correlation between high divorce rates and the lack of interest that people have in their partners lives?" Perhaps not, but "in their lives" need not mean "in every aspect of their lives". I think it's great for anyone, in a relationship with a programmer, or not, to learn about programming. But simple observation tells me that a relationship does not rely on the s.o.'s ability to talk learnedly about Perl v. Python v. Ruby.
- philwelch 16y agoThis is my girlfriend's mentality too, but I'm so used to people not knowing or caring about my geeky interests that I'm often reluctant to tell.
- cparedes 16y agoSame here (at least with other people not really caring too much about my own interests.) A lot of people I've talked to have even actively refuse to take interest. My girlfriend is redoing her Java assignments and is going to do the OCW MIT course on Python very soon; I'm very very happy for her and she seems to really enjoy programming. Right now, I'm trying to get her to play a few of my computer games with me. :)
- dkarl 16y agoThis always blows my mind. You’re married to someone, and you aren’t interested enough in the person to know anything about what they do with nearly 40-50% of their time, aside from their job title? This is underappreciated. I had a girlfriend who was an accountant. At the end of the day, she'd want to vent about work, and guess what? I couldn't follow her without asking some questions about accounting. Suddenly, I was interested in accounting, because I wanted to understand why she was annoyed or stressed or happy or relieved when she got home from work, and I didn't want to just nod and say "uh huh, uh huh" while she was talking about something that was an important part of her life. Now I don't give two shits about accounting. If that's unusual, sign me up for an unusual woman.
- kmfrk 16y agoI can't see how it could be any other way. If I get a girlfriend from a different country, I'll at least try to learn the basics of her language and be able to have some decent conversations. Anything else would be a conscious disinterest in your girlfriend and what makes her tick. It's almost a blessing to have such an glaring chance to learn more about your significant other.
- megablast 16y agoI have a theory that most people just don't like being alone, so finding someone to fulfill that need is enough. It doesn't matter what that person does, what they look like etc... As long as they are reasonably inoffensive, then they are a winner. It is called settling, most people do it.
- lsc 16y agono, that's different. Sure, we all settle for the best we think can get, or the first 'good enough' (or the third 'good enough' or whatever. we choose a mate. You are unlikely to pick the absolute most optimal person.) The previous comments in this thread (and the article) suggest that once you do choose a person, for whatever reason, "settling" or not, you should put some effort in to better understanding and relating to them.
- dasil003 16y agoThe thought process that programming requires is tiresome and tedious to my wife. The fact that her eyes glaze over when I talk about the details of my day does not mean that she doesn't care about what programming means to me in the greater human sense. One of the reasons I married her is precisely because she is so different from me, and the fact that I must describe things to her as a layperson actually improves my communication skills greatly. I would never dream of being offended that she does not want to put forth the effort to grasp the gritty details of what I do. That said, she does know what Ruby on Rails is :)
- megablast 16y agoThere is a difference between boring someone with what you do, and talking about what you did that day. It can be a fine line, but there is always a way to explain in layman terms what you do. Do you not talk to your wife about what she does during the day?
- dasil003 16y agoOf course, we always talk about our day. Depending on what it is it's very easy to talk about (ie. office politics or user-facing features). On the other hand if I spent all day debugging a race condition I might go into an analogy or I might just jump to how it made me feel, etc.
- seldo 16y agoReading this just makes me think it should be laughably simple to date another gay male (mostly PHP) programmer[1]. We'd automatically share interests! But WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS?! [1] see http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1927#comic http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1927#c...
- theturtle32 16y agoWell, I'm here... but I'm not sure where the rest of us are...
- GrandMasterBirt 16y agothat comic is priceless!
- davidw 16y agoIt's brave to come out and admit so publicly that you use PHP.
- nuclear_eclipse 16y agoHi. My name is John, and I use PHP.
- TheSmoke 16y agothere, there.
- henrikschroder 16y agoI've only done PHP a few times, I was drunk, and the guy who asked was kinda cute, and one thing led to another. I really hated myself the morning after, so I can't recommend it for the curious.
- camtarn 16y agoHere :) Happily engaged to a proud history/biology geek: I chat about the difference between static and dynamic typing, and get a brief history of the French revolution or an explanation of plant cell growth in return (it's a lot more fun to learn history over a few beers and accompanied by plenty of swearing and enthusiastic gesturing ;) )
- tlrobinson 16y agoFunny she mentions LEGO, I credit my desire to become an engineer/programmer to my childhood obsesession with LEGO. Apparently it's a cliche?
- quantumhobbit 16y agoWell I'm supporting that cliche too. When I was a kid I took over the spare bedroom with LEGO trains and cities. I spent hours obsessively building, sort of how I write code now. Just hearing her one mention of LEGO made me want to get the blocks out and play.
- scott_s 16y agoNo, not really - that's not what cliche means. A cliche is an idea that's presented so much that its originality is lost. Lots of people saying they became interested in programming because of a simple programming language designed to teach kids means it was a success.
- tlrobinson 16y agoHuh? I think you're confusing LEGO [1] with LOGO [2]. [1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lego http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lego [2] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logo_(programming_language) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logo_(programming_language) While it might be a liberal use of the word "cliché" I think it applies: I assumed I was fairly unique in recognizing LEGO as an influence on my career choice, but in fact it's common enough among programmers that this woman cites her lack of LEGO experience as an example of why she isn't a programmer.
- sigstoat 16y agoam i the only one who thinks that the language they work in is not the most interesting or fundamental aspect of their programming career?
- cherring 16y agoYou're probably right, but for a significant other just trying to show a level of interest it is probably the easiest place to start and just absorb anything at all about tech.
- Charuru 16y agoThis only applies if you're working on an uncool language, like Java or .Net, otherwise the language is part of your identity.
- powrtoch 16y agoShe mainly mentions Ruby. Which, more so than other languages, actually does seem to be much more than just a language to the developers who use it. Knowing her husband loves Ruby to her also speaks to his programming philosophy, community involvement, etc.
- roc 16y agoMy question is: how many geeks work only in one language or write to only one platform? Some of us do a lot more than I think you can reasonably expect a non-industry spouse to follow with any technical depth. It's like expecting a prolific musician's wife to identify all the instruments her spouse plays and have some understanding of why he chooses one over another for a given piece, just because you could reasonably expect a blues guitarist's wife to know that her husband plays predominantly blues guitar.
- elptacek 16y agoSure, it's all wine and roses... until the day you find yourself fighting with your spouse over a bug. It happens.
- dmor 16y agomake sure to use source control... lots of married couples don't ;) but seriously, we've had fights over that
- rlachenal 16y agoMy wife was the company nurse in a training outfit I attended in the 90s. Her "guitar" caught my eye too.
- zackattack 16y agoExactly. Commonalities are just a useful pretext/rationalization for starting a conversation.
- wslh 16y agoMy wife is a dentist, and I took part of her time to explain what I do showing some naive sort algorithm. At the end she asked why I need to do all that stuff if she can click on an excel option to sort the data!
- nailer 16y agoSort algorithms are a shitty way of learning to program. Yes, I'm aware of that's how programming is typically taught. You need to make something before you can make it fast. Hopefully something interesting and cool. Why not show her a 10 line app that loops through all her Facebook friends and gets their phone numbers?
- doki_pen 16y agoAnother hoax, huh? :wink:
- vl 16y agoIronically, if you work at large corporation you quite often just can't talk about what exactly you are doing. The amount of secrecy at some companies is worse than at terrible, however enjoyable, TV series "The Unit".
- philwelch 16y ago"What did you do at work today?" "I'll tell you next year."
- Jun8 16y agoProggit has a wonderful comment for this story. For those of you who don't go there often, here it is: Back in my early 20's, when I was just out of university and doing any old contract job that came around, I happened to be working on a particularly complex project that involved a heavy amount of annoyingly complex javascript (before the days of jQuery). I ended up burning myself out trying to hit an impending deadline. I collapsed into bed in the middle of the day. A little while later, my (then) girlfriend (now wife) came into the bedroom to ask if everything was ok and, waking up in a stupor and not really being conscious about what I was saying, I mumbled that it was all going wrong and I was hoping she would help me (she's not a programmer and wouldn't know where to start). I woke up a few hours later to find her stressing over one of my javascript reference books and looking at me with sad eyes, saying she didn't make much progress, because it was all a bit confusing.
- emeryc 16y agoThat is amazingly sweet. Could you link to the comment opn proggit itself as well?
- Jun8 16y agoHere's the link: http://www.reddit.com/r/programming/comments/d02be/my_husband_is_a_programmer_i_have_no_idea_what/c0wk5nq http://www.reddit.com/r/programming/comments/d02be/my_husban...
- bruceboughton 16y agoThe comments in reply to that are a brilliant example of why I don't read reddit much.
- mxavier 16y agoThis article is of particular interest to me. I spend a good deal of my time as a young single guy immersed in technology and hacker culture. However, when I'm around women or trying to meet women, I instinctively will only discuss generalities as in "I write web applications" and leave it at that unless they are adamant about finding out more, which very rarely occurs. I'm not necessarily saying this is a bad thing but at the end of the day it does feel kind of bad to feel the need to push a pretty big part of your personality off into the corner because a majority of the women you'll meet don't care and will get annoyed if they have to hear about it. Nothing feels worse than telling a story and watching your audience dart their eyes, grow bored and try to think of ways to feign interest.
- GBKS 16y agoI'd say something like "Last week I build a website where you can do x and y. Somebody just did z on it and it was so cool because of...". Frame it in practical real-world terms and present it as an exciting, high-tech thing you're doing. Don't give facts, tell a story.
- rue 16y agoBeing "around women or trying to meet women" does not imply a serious relationship, so I think the standards are a bit lower there.
- GBKS 16y agoMy wife is like that for a specific reason. While I do a lot of coding and development, it's not really my main interest. My main interest is making awesome interactive experiences. Programming is my hammer. I know how to use it, but I prefer talking about what I do with the hammer. In turn, my wife knows about what you can do on my latest web project, and has no clue about coding. Might be a slightly different context than the article, but I wanted to point out that there is a difference in the technical aspect of somebody's work and what "they do".
- CRASCH 16y agoTLDR: I have a somewhat funny story... I got married in 1997 the same year I started working on local number portability. Local number portability is the system that allows people to keep their phone number and change their carrier. Wire line local number portability happened first and then wireless number portability went live in November 2003. I had been working in this area for about six years. About a week before the system went live. I'm on site and in a meeting. We were covering all the test results and launch plan details. I get a call from my wife. I figured it was important because she knew I was on-site. I take the call. she says, "Guess what I just heard. You are going to be able to change cell phone companies and keep your number! Isn't that cool?" "Um, Hun what do you think I've been working on for the last six years?"