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My brother, who have no kids, have a kind of doing things that makes the kids like him (he was a handball coach at the time). When I asked him what it was many

My brother, who have no kids, have a kind of doing things that makes the kids like him (he was a handball coach at the time). When I asked him what it was many years ago, he told me : « I treat them as adults, talk to them on an equal base » So when my children was born, I decided to do the same for them. Talking like an adult (with sometimes words they had no chance to understand), explain the why and how of stuff we ask them to do. Never raised the hand on them. Sometimes it’s a little hard to deal, but most of the time everything goes well. We’ll see when they will be teenagers, but for now, we all live in harmony, and we are often complimented by other parents for their behavior. Maybe we got lucky (we will never know) or may be this approach was good. But for us, it’s the way to do.

emerged 9y ago
It's always worked for me. Kids are used to being dominated and condescended. If you talk to them as respected individuals, you usually get respect back. It also gives more weight to the times you have to be more assertive. The other helpful thing is to let them be right. Make mistakes on purpose and let them correct you. They're so hungry to be right that it gives a real confident boost. It should go without saying that this strategy should be used only when it's reasonable, not in cases of safety or when keeping kids from wrecking havoc etc.
- SomeStupidPoint 9y ago
  > [Subordinates] are used to being dominated and condescended. If you talk to them as respected individuals, you usually get respect back. It also gives more weight to the times you have to be more assertive. This is actually pretty good advice for any time you're trying to manage people -- and kids are just little people.
  - wasterone 9y ago
    Yes and because children are people rather than intellectual abstractions they need authority (not domineering but authority backed up by force nonetheless). A developing mind is like a nation, with many strands. I live in a relatively peaceful and advanced country but I know that if the police had their weapons and handcuffs taken away tomorrow then evil strands would quickly rise up and destroy everything.
    - wasterone 9y ago
      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murray-Hill_riot https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murray-Hill_riot
  - notduncansmith 9y ago
    One point of view I find helpful is the reverse, that people are just really old kids. It makes it easier to, within limits, accept and forgive irrational behavior (including my own!) while keeping a positive, growth-oriented mindset.
  - corysama 9y ago
    The Coding Horror blog has a great piece on how the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk helped him out with a lot more than just his kids. https://blog.codinghorror.com/how-to-talk-to-human-beings/ https://blog.codinghorror.com/how-to-talk-to-human-beings/
    - SomeStupidPoint 9y ago
      Excellent blog post! And if anyone is looking for the book (like I was), this seems to be a more recent edition (with better availability): https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/14516638...
- deleted 9y ago
  [deleted]
renox 9y ago
The thing is: it's very different being the coach or the nanny than being the parents: one friend told me that it was very easy for her to take care of others children so she expected that it would be the same for her own children, which wasn't the case at all!
- JeanMarcS 9y ago
  As he still have no kids at 44 (and not intend to have any), I guess I’ll never know if he would have be a good father or not. Beside that, I followed his advice and I am very glad I did
jdmichal 9y ago
I'm hoping to combine this with a lack of understanding on false dichotomy to foster both respect and free thinking... Which are somewhat incongruous goals, so it's a toughie. The general idea is to not only talk to them like adults, but allow them to make choices like one also. But I'm hoping that offering controlled choices with consistent consequences will get us there. I'll know I'm in trouble when they start coming up with their own choices...
err4nt 9y ago
Thanks for sharing, treating children with the same dignity you would give to an adult is certainly a great way to respect them as individuals. I'm sure you make a positive impact on every young person you speak to this way—maybe once they are grown they will share with you and you'll have results to your 'experiment' :D
d0100 9y ago
Definitively got lucky. Some kids just don't listen, no matter how you talk to them.
randomsearch 9y ago
> My brother, who have no kids, have a kind of doing things that makes the kids like him (he was a handball coach at the time). Yep. I'm an Uncle of three kids, and I often get comments about how well I connect with them. I take exactly the same approach - treat them as equals, respect what they say, more than anything _listen to them_.

emerged 9y ago

It's always worked for me. Kids are used to being dominated and condescended. If you talk to them as respected individuals, you usually get respect back. It also gives more weight to the times you have to be more assertive. The other helpful thing is to let them be right. Make mistakes on purpose and let them correct you. They're so hungry to be right that it gives a real confident boost. It should go without saying that this strategy should be used only when it's reasonable, not in cases of safety or when keeping kids from wrecking havoc etc.

SomeStupidPoint 9y ago
> [Subordinates] are used to being dominated and condescended. If you talk to them as respected individuals, you usually get respect back. It also gives more weight to the times you have to be more assertive. This is actually pretty good advice for any time you're trying to manage people -- and kids are just little people.
- wasterone 9y ago
  Yes and because children are people rather than intellectual abstractions they need authority (not domineering but authority backed up by force nonetheless). A developing mind is like a nation, with many strands. I live in a relatively peaceful and advanced country but I know that if the police had their weapons and handcuffs taken away tomorrow then evil strands would quickly rise up and destroy everything.
  - wasterone 9y ago
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murray-Hill_riot https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murray-Hill_riot
- notduncansmith 9y ago
  One point of view I find helpful is the reverse, that people are just really old kids. It makes it easier to, within limits, accept and forgive irrational behavior (including my own!) while keeping a positive, growth-oriented mindset.
- corysama 9y ago
  The Coding Horror blog has a great piece on how the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk helped him out with a lot more than just his kids. https://blog.codinghorror.com/how-to-talk-to-human-beings/ https://blog.codinghorror.com/how-to-talk-to-human-beings/
  - SomeStupidPoint 9y ago
    Excellent blog post! And if anyone is looking for the book (like I was), this seems to be a more recent edition (with better availability): https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/14516638...
deleted 9y ago
[deleted]

renox 9y ago

The thing is: it's very different being the coach or the nanny than being the parents: one friend told me that it was very easy for her to take care of others children so she expected that it would be the same for her own children, which wasn't the case at all!

JeanMarcS 9y ago
As he still have no kids at 44 (and not intend to have any), I guess I’ll never know if he would have be a good father or not. Beside that, I followed his advice and I am very glad I did

jdmichal 9y ago

I'm hoping to combine this with a lack of understanding on false dichotomy to foster both respect and free thinking... Which are somewhat incongruous goals, so it's a toughie. The general idea is to not only talk to them like adults, but allow them to make choices like one also. But I'm hoping that offering controlled choices with consistent consequences will get us there. I'll know I'm in trouble when they start coming up with their own choices...

err4nt 9y ago

Thanks for sharing, treating children with the same dignity you would give to an adult is certainly a great way to respect them as individuals. I'm sure you make a positive impact on every young person you speak to this way—maybe once they are grown they will share with you and you'll have results to your 'experiment' :D

d0100 9y ago

Definitively got lucky. Some kids just don't listen, no matter how you talk to them.

randomsearch 9y ago

> My brother, who have no kids, have a kind of doing things that makes the kids like him (he was a handball coach at the time). Yep. I'm an Uncle of three kids, and I often get comments about how well I connect with them. I take exactly the same approach - treat them as equals, respect what they say, more than anything _listen to them_.