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I recently had a baby, and the self-realization that I am a jerk became very clear when I thought about the world. Let me explain: From a young age, growing u
by treyfitty 9y ago
I recently had a baby, and the self-realization that I am a jerk became very clear when I thought about the world. Let me explain:
From a young age, growing up in Queens, I quickly learned the value of being a jerk/asshole as a deterrent for getting "jumped" for my jacket/sneakers. The idea was: kids mugging other kids would go for easy targets. Even an inkling of belief that someone would put up a fight was a disincentive enough to avoid getting "jumped." Now, this wasn't always the case, but the converse (if easy target, then got jumped) was definitely prevalent.
Fast forward to adult age, and it's even more true- give an inch, and people will take a mile. As cynical as it sounds, I've been in many instances where my asshole-ness proved to be beneficial. For example, when someone tried to cut me in line at the grocery store, I let it go. When that same person was at the dog park with me later that night, and he became aggressive with MY dog, I lost my cool, which was mostly fueled by the prior transgression on his part. The guy apologized and to this day, this person has been saccharin to my wife at the dog park when I'm not there, but completely avoids me when I am.
Now, I know there's a fine line between being a jerk and assertive, but I think the line has been muddled over the years as our social norms have evolved to "always be kind- if not, you'll be seen as a jerk." I acknowledge that I am an insecure person, while at the same time, an egotistical person, but being a jerk has protected me from being taken advantage of.
Today, I wonder, how would I feel if my son turned out this way? How do I want the world to treat my son, and vice-versa? I then realize that if the world were filled with people like me, the world would be a terrible place. But, from a game theory perspective, I'm employing my best strategy.
- 52-6F-62 9y agoI like Burroughs' take on the matter: "Don't be such a shit that you don't know you are one."
- B1FF_PSUVM 9y ago"A gentleman is never unintentionally rude"?
- lemonberry 9y agoSomeone once told me how polite I was even when being an asshole. I took that as a high compliment.
- staticautomatic 9y agoWell, bless your heart.
- jackhack 9y agoFor those that missed it "Bless your heart" is a very typical "southern" (US) insult; it's a condescending statement of pity and yet mild enough for polite company.
- staticautomatic 9y agoI can't figure out if the person who down-voted me got it or missed it.
- arkades 9y agohttps://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/assertiveness.html https://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/assertiveness.html
- megaman22 9y agoJust from the examples given, it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong... I like to take Teddy Roosevelt's mantra to heart; walk softly and carry a big stick. You can bend and bend and bend, and nobody will appreciate it - they just get all upset and pissy when you put your foot down and draw the line. Probably I'm a jerk.
- justherefortart 9y agoI'm a jerk, but primarily in the face of unbalanced power or other people being jerks (or blatant unfairness). People typically love or hate me, but it's usually relevant to their own actions. Maybe it comes from being picked on as a kid, I like to stand up for the little guy.
- Fnoord 9y ago> Maybe it comes from being picked on as a kid, I like to stand up for the little guy. Isn't that the opposite of being a jerk? Like, isn't that being kind?
- js2 9y agoFWIW, it's "Speak softly and carry a big stick" and Roosevelt meant in in reference to U.S. foreign policy. Specifically, negotiate peacefully, but with the threat of the U.S. military when necessary. More generally, I take it to mean: act restrained when possible, using your power quietly and only when needed.
- abhi3 9y ago> But, from a game theory perspective, I'm employing my best strategy. Your best strategy would be to be kind by default and then repeat their response. By being a defensive jerk you remove any incentive for people to be kind to you.
- busterarm 9y agoYou don't have to be assertive to be a jerk... ...in fact, I'd say it's the people who correlate assertiveness with jerkiness that are in fact most often jerks.
- thekashifmalik 9y agoWould love to hear more about why you think that.
- s73ver_ 9y agoWell, the "nice guys", who often get upset that women go after the aggressive/manly/"jerk" guys instead of them, and who secretly do believe that women owe them something, would generally be considered jerks. However, few would ascribe aggression as a trait of theirs.
- watwut 9y agoAssertive people tell jerks to stop crap openly and jerks then feel like someone is getting in their way. Either you stopped the jerk, made him feel bad or just made his/her act public. And they dislike it. Most jerks think that what they do is their god given right, therefore logically, assertive person must be the one who is jerk. Logic. Meanwhile, non jerks are fully aware that cutting line or being aggressive to dog is not polite or fair. So, even when non-jerk cuts that line because some reason, non-jerks is aware that others have right not to like it and dont assume objection makes you a jerk.
- busterarm 9y agoAssertiveness and turbulence are opposites just like passiveness and aggression are. They're ingrained behaviors that people have and most people will usually act appropriately (read: apply those traits) to any given social situation. Luckily most of us are in the middle on this 4-way spectrum. If someone is acting way out of proportion to the circumstances, you go "that guy/gal is a jerk!". If you say "assertive people are jerks", or any of those 4 really, you are making a demand that other people accommodate your needs in social situations. It's a social ultimatum, basically, and if you do it, you're a jerk. Always. You will most often find this quality in passive, turbulent people (this is my natural default) with poor social skills who mistake assertiveness for aggression. (Tangent: Can we redefine 'passive-aggressive' as 'turbulent-aggressive'?)
- nine_k 9y agoHmm, I thought "Don't tread on me" is the motto not of jerks, but of some other kind of people?