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How to Tell If You’re a Jerk
- deleted 9y ago[deleted]
- deleted 9y ago[deleted]
- throw-away-8 9y agoIf thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee.
- cannonedhamster 9y agoDepending on who you talk to I am either unreadable, a jerk, a creep, insanely nice, demanding, nit-picky, angry, obsessive, or one of a myriad other things. I think it's definitely possible to be a well liked jerk.
- staticautomatic 9y agoAnd perhaps, manic.
- cannonedhamster 9y agoOh definitely manic.
- lkerlk 9y agoI've read some research that suggests that certain characteristics--namely agreeableness--are more relationship-specific than others. For example: http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0092656616301350#f0010 http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0092656616... That meta-analysis shows that rather-specific variance is greatest for agreeableness, although that is misleading (in an underestimating kind of way) because what you really want to know is the target-rater interaction variance, which is often not studied because it requires a lot of combinations of targets and raters. What I remember (and I might be incorrect) is that in such studies, there's also a lot of relationship-specific variance for agreeableness. The papers I've read by Vazire ignores this interaction variance and focuses on agreement across traits. The interaction variance is implied, though, by the huge amount of variance not accounted by target or rater. The takeaway message is that there will be a lot of disagreement for most people about who thinks who is a jerk.
- JDazzle 9y agoAt best, I'm a minor jerk. Realistically, I'm a huge jerk according to the article. While I don't necessarily fit all the criteria for being a big jerk, the end result is still the same.
- edoceo 9y agoSounds like a sociopath rather than a jerk. I hire sociopaths, fire jerks
- remarkEon 9y agoI agree with this. There’s a difference, though it’s a fine line, between those who have jerky tendencies as the result of a highly focused or driven personality and those who derive enjoyment from just being a jerk.
- greggarious 9y ago>There’s a difference, though it’s a fine line, between those who have jerky tendencies as the result of a highly focused or driven personality and those who derive enjoyment from just being a jerk. Why not both?
- owens99 9y ago> I hire sociopaths Good luck with that strategy.
- edoceo 9y agoIt's worked well for the last decade.
- callesgg 9y agoI know that I used to be a jerk quite often in the past looking back at my own behavior. It has never been intentional, I simply did not think about it. Don't know about my current jerkiness I think one needs outside perspective to really judge that.
- s73ver_ 9y agoI would say that one does not need to intentionally be a jerk to be one. As you said, all it takes is to simply not think of how your actions affect others.
- treyfitty 9y agoI recently had a baby, and the self-realization that I am a jerk became very clear when I thought about the world. Let me explain: From a young age, growing up in Queens, I quickly learned the value of being a jerk/asshole as a deterrent for getting "jumped" for my jacket/sneakers. The idea was: kids mugging other kids would go for easy targets. Even an inkling of belief that someone would put up a fight was a disincentive enough to avoid getting "jumped." Now, this wasn't always the case, but the converse (if easy target, then got jumped) was definitely prevalent. Fast forward to adult age, and it's even more true- give an inch, and people will take a mile. As cynical as it sounds, I've been in many instances where my asshole-ness proved to be beneficial. For example, when someone tried to cut me in line at the grocery store, I let it go. When that same person was at the dog park with me later that night, and he became aggressive with MY dog, I lost my cool, which was mostly fueled by the prior transgression on his part. The guy apologized and to this day, this person has been saccharin to my wife at the dog park when I'm not there, but completely avoids me when I am. Now, I know there's a fine line between being a jerk and assertive, but I think the line has been muddled over the years as our social norms have evolved to "always be kind- if not, you'll be seen as a jerk." I acknowledge that I am an insecure person, while at the same time, an egotistical person, but being a jerk has protected me from being taken advantage of. Today, I wonder, how would I feel if my son turned out this way? How do I want the world to treat my son, and vice-versa? I then realize that if the world were filled with people like me, the world would be a terrible place. But, from a game theory perspective, I'm employing my best strategy.
- 52-6F-62 9y agoI like Burroughs' take on the matter: "Don't be such a shit that you don't know you are one."
- B1FF_PSUVM 9y ago"A gentleman is never unintentionally rude"?
- lemonberry 9y ago
- arikrak 9y agoLooks like they just re-published their article from a year ago: http://nautil.us/issue/40/learning/how-to-tell-if-youre-a-jerk http://nautil.us/issue/40/learning/how-to-tell-if-youre-a-je...
- pavement 9y agoInteresting tidbit: Sweethearts also seem clueless to the presence of jerks, offering concessions to, and excuses for jerk behavior. Question: what's with jerks teaming up? How does jerk signaling work, such that it attracts jerks-of-a-feather, when jerks in the wild are found joining forces?
- staticautomatic 9y agoJerks of a feather stalk together.
- tbabb 9y agoA theory of Jerkodynamics: The only people who will hang around jerks tend to either be other jerks with the same problem, or people too insanely nice to set boundaries and tell the jerks to get bent.
- Nav_Panel 9y agoThis "theory of jerkodynamics" as you call it was actually fleshed out in this great post: http://siderea.livejournal.com/1230660.html http://siderea.livejournal.com/1230660.html > ...If you unwittingly have been repelling non-assholes, you will get the impression that everyone is an asshole, because you're still surrounded by plenty of people, but everyone left – that is everyone you come into contact with – is, in fact, an asshole. > ...An asshole filter is a situation one creates that causes non-assholes to reduce contact with you at a disproportionate rate (like at all) than assholes... > ...An asshole filter happens when you publicly promulgate a straitened contact boundary and then don't enforce it; or worse, reward the people who transgress it... It goes on to frame "jerk-ness" in terms of "transgressiveness": > The concept of transgressiveness is one of the most powerful lenses I know with which to look at people's behavior – possibly because it is is a perspective so absent from our culture. It is a phenomenon that is real, but for which we have no words – except "asshole". When we call someone an asshole, pragmatically speaking what we're usually trying to express is that that person transgresses others' boundaries. We might also say, if asked to explain, that the person so described is selfish, in that they want to get their way even (or especially) at the expense of others; we might describe them as rude or disrespectful, meaning that their conduct shows contempt for others' boundaries.
- revmoo 9y agoI'm just going to start flagging all submissions of pages that have modal popups. Does that make me a jerk?
- mythrwy 9y agoAre you surrounded by fools and non-entities, by people with bad taste and silly desires, by boring people...... If this is how the world regularly looks to you, then I have bad news. Likely, you are the jerk. This ....is not how the world actually is. Could be. Or you could be surrounded by boring people with bad taste. Can we say honestly say those don't exist? Or don't exist in large groups? Except when it's truly necessary to provoke some change there isn't generally an excuse for unkindness though. But that doesn't mean the company of boring people and fools is worth seeking out and we shouldn't have to pretend that they don't have those attributes. As with so many other things jerk is a matter of perspective. If the fact I do judge inwardly if the company of a group or individual is worth my time makes me a jerk then whatever. I do try to be kind and polite to the best of my ability though.
- iamcasen 9y agoI feel the same way. As a society, we are constantly hammered on concepts like "everyone rates themselves as a B+ driver even if they aren't." What about when you really are an A+ driver though? Same goes with any form of exceptionalism. Everyone thinks they are smart, everyone thinks they are above average, etc. If you truly are exceptional, and everyone around truly is not as smart as you are, how would you know? According to all studies, we all think that, and we are all full of shit.
- AndyNemmity 9y agoYour traits are an amalgam of the people you are around the most often, so if you are surrounded by boring people with bad taste, it can only mean that you are boring with bad taste. If you see everyone around you is a jerk, you're likely a jerk. Because you keep them in company, and internalize their traits.
- tayo42 9y agoThis article seems to focus on your default response to someone new is that they're not worth your time or energy. Are you still a jerk if you think over time someone has acted in a way that deserves that response?
- __m 9y agoShock, HN users are jerks
- laxatives 9y agoIts a little disappointing to see that half of the comments are people defending their actions to no one in particular, justifying why they act like a jerk but aren't necessarily a jerk. Its not like being a jerk/sweetheart is some binary or mutually exclusive relation, but it seems like this article struck a chord with a lot of users.
- mirceal 9y agomy theory is that the smarter you are, the more likely you are to try to justify behaviors that you are not necessarily aligned with
- majewsky 9y agoWhy would you think that? Rationalization is one of the pillars of human behavior overall. The only difference I would readily admit is that smarter people are probably more mindful of their own rationalizing.
- ivm 9y agoThe article disagrees though: "Academically intelligent people, by the way, aren’t immune to motivated reasoning. On the contrary, recent research by Dan M. Kahan of Yale University suggests that reflective and educated people might be especially skilled at rationalizing their preexisting beliefs..."
- majewsky 9y agoOh dear. I'm just gonna go bathe in my weltschmerz again. :/
- jancsika 9y agoWhere do lulz fit into this? Is Eric Andre a jerk? Samy Kamkar? Andy Kaufmann?
- deleted 9y ago[deleted]
- cosmic_ape 9y agoSo here's the ultimate, highly scientific jerkness test proposed by the article: Think about this article sometime later today, sometime when you are surrounded by other people—maybe in the lunch line, or at a department meeting, or at a party, or in a crowded plaza. Notice the people around you. Are they fools and tools, or do they sparkle with interesting individuality? Exactly what kind of individuality sparkles do most people in a crowded plaza emit? Their clothes, face expression at that moment, pace of walk? The danger in this kind of whooshy-mooshy is that some people might start to believe that these things do constitute an individuality. To the benefit of the fashion industry, and probably to our loss as a society.
- dm319 9y agoThe results have come back and ... they're positive I'm afraid.
- voidhorse 9y agoJust remind yourself daily that life is incredibly complex, that simplicity, except in the rarest of cases, is a myth (if you finally 'have the answer' you've only decided which lie you're most comfortable believing), that the global socio-economic system we are a part of has more moving parts than any one person could conceivably grapple with let alone understand, and that almost everyone, almost all the time, is working off a best guess. In other words, don't play the blame game, demand much of yourself, demand little of others, and appreciate everything you have, which, as soon as it's under your nose, becomes light, airy, invisible--until it has suddenly evaporated. We're all prey and prone to our own little fantasies--we live our fictions. That's why the madman laughs. His hoarse chuckle is not a sudden aberration or break, not the unfortunate collapse of some 'right' mentality but the final, total dissolution of an imposition--the breaking of the yoke.