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As an introvert who suffered for years with self-esteem issues I can totally relate with his words. Couple years ago I picked up the book People Skills[1] by R

As an introvert who suffered for years with self-esteem issues I can totally relate with his words. Couple years ago I picked up the book People Skills[1] by Robort Bolton. It helped me look at how I reacted to people and often times shut down and got defensive. Or i would be so locked-up mentally trying to process my emotions I would just stop talking. I found it's changed me in the way I interact with people now. Especially in highly charged situations like his first example. I find I have the ability to see the words and understand why the other person is being aggressive and to help defuse the situation. What I learned is that i'll still be an introvert at time but at least I can change how I respond to people. And at times I feel more extroverted than normal :) [1] https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X/ https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Confli...

amelius 9y ago
Isn't it fundamentally impossible to learn to become more extrovert? I mean, if you have to think about how to react to people, then that's sort of the definition of being an introvert.
- factsaresacred 9y ago
  > Isn't it fundamentally impossible No. Can an extrovert become more introverted? Of course. It may not feel "right" but it's fundamentally possible. The brain (more precisely, the stories we tell ourselves) are malleable. Age, location, friends, lovers, jobs, all weigh on which type of -vert you are. That's been my experience anyway. Although I do think it's a slope with introverted at the bottom. I.e. it may be easier for an extrovert to become introverted than the opposite.
- gervase 9y ago
  Not the parent, but I think of it as analogous to running an emulator/VM. That is, if your reactions to input are those of an extrovert, does the interior process of how those responses are generated really matter?
  - ansgri 9y ago
    Great analogy, and as with all VMs, you have a fundamental performance penalty for not doing it natively. Although you do get the flexibility of pausing / debugging / isolating the VM.
    - khedoros1 9y ago
      Continuing: When some path is followed enough to be the "hot path", it hits the threshold for JIT, and becomes much easier (much less performance penalty).
  - eradicatethots 9y ago
    Yes absolutely they do matter 1) how accurately are you pretending to be an extrovert (chances are youre broadly failing if its unnatural) 2) how much energy are you spending pretending to be an extrovert (chances are a lot if its unnatural) The internals are more important than "do i finally sound like an extrovert? introverts are such losers!"
- e1g 9y ago
  Psychological uncertainty is tiring. When I'm dealing with a problem and I have no idea how to solve it, it causes anxiety and I feel drained. When I learn more about the domain and have a framework for processing the problem, then I feel far more assured and energetic in handling it. I think dealing with diverse people is the same. When I have a better understanding and "frameworks" to interpret what's going on, I feel a great more certain and confident, and this makes difficult interactions easy. This means I can do more "extroverted" activities and genuinely enjoy them - with less uncertainty/anxiety attached. I still go home to fully recharge - I'm not sure if it's possible to change that, but I can drastically change how long that battery lasts.
- hacker_9 9y ago
  Should point out that introvert/extrovert are made up terms, and humans don't fit nicely under one label or the other.
- miceeatnicerice 9y ago
  If you approach it with the attitude that the condition determines the person, then I suppose, yes, that's true. But that's a pretty miserable attitude to approach it with. It's much better to keep an open mind to the possibilities of life - although its the hope that kills you. I mean - if you have to think about such things, it's most accurate to say that that's the definition of having been an introvert. Anecdotally, inside every introvert is a squeaking, flamboyant self, desiring to be its opposite. If you desire it, you've got to (kind of) already be essentially interwoven with it.
- jlg23 9y ago
  The parent said: What I learned is that i'll still be an introvert at time but at least I can change how I respond to people. In general, behavioral therapy[1] does not aim to "fix" a trait, it tries to make interaction with "normal" people easier. [1] I include "help yourself" books and those used as such here.
- analogmemory 9y ago
  > Isn't it fundamentally impossible to learn to become more extrovert? I don't believe that anymore. I believe that the type of "-vert" our society categorizes us in is an environmentally created behavior. Most of which stem from our birth, how we're treated and the expectations the people who raise us (parents, relatives, friends, school teachers) subconsciously place on us.

amelius 9y ago

Isn't it fundamentally impossible to learn to become more extrovert? I mean, if you have to think about how to react to people, then that's sort of the definition of being an introvert.

factsaresacred 9y ago
> Isn't it fundamentally impossible No. Can an extrovert become more introverted? Of course. It may not feel "right" but it's fundamentally possible. The brain (more precisely, the stories we tell ourselves) are malleable. Age, location, friends, lovers, jobs, all weigh on which type of -vert you are. That's been my experience anyway. Although I do think it's a slope with introverted at the bottom. I.e. it may be easier for an extrovert to become introverted than the opposite.
gervase 9y ago
Not the parent, but I think of it as analogous to running an emulator/VM. That is, if your reactions to input are those of an extrovert, does the interior process of how those responses are generated really matter?
- ansgri 9y ago
  Great analogy, and as with all VMs, you have a fundamental performance penalty for not doing it natively. Although you do get the flexibility of pausing / debugging / isolating the VM.
  - khedoros1 9y ago
    Continuing: When some path is followed enough to be the "hot path", it hits the threshold for JIT, and becomes much easier (much less performance penalty).
- eradicatethots 9y ago
  Yes absolutely they do matter 1) how accurately are you pretending to be an extrovert (chances are youre broadly failing if its unnatural) 2) how much energy are you spending pretending to be an extrovert (chances are a lot if its unnatural) The internals are more important than "do i finally sound like an extrovert? introverts are such losers!"
e1g 9y ago
Psychological uncertainty is tiring. When I'm dealing with a problem and I have no idea how to solve it, it causes anxiety and I feel drained. When I learn more about the domain and have a framework for processing the problem, then I feel far more assured and energetic in handling it. I think dealing with diverse people is the same. When I have a better understanding and "frameworks" to interpret what's going on, I feel a great more certain and confident, and this makes difficult interactions easy. This means I can do more "extroverted" activities and genuinely enjoy them - with less uncertainty/anxiety attached. I still go home to fully recharge - I'm not sure if it's possible to change that, but I can drastically change how long that battery lasts.
hacker_9 9y ago
Should point out that introvert/extrovert are made up terms, and humans don't fit nicely under one label or the other.
miceeatnicerice 9y ago
If you approach it with the attitude that the condition determines the person, then I suppose, yes, that's true. But that's a pretty miserable attitude to approach it with. It's much better to keep an open mind to the possibilities of life - although its the hope that kills you. I mean - if you have to think about such things, it's most accurate to say that that's the definition of having been an introvert. Anecdotally, inside every introvert is a squeaking, flamboyant self, desiring to be its opposite. If you desire it, you've got to (kind of) already be essentially interwoven with it.
jlg23 9y ago
The parent said: What I learned is that i'll still be an introvert at time but at least I can change how I respond to people. In general, behavioral therapy[1] does not aim to "fix" a trait, it tries to make interaction with "normal" people easier. [1] I include "help yourself" books and those used as such here.
analogmemory 9y ago
> Isn't it fundamentally impossible to learn to become more extrovert? I don't believe that anymore. I believe that the type of "-vert" our society categorizes us in is an environmentally created behavior. Most of which stem from our birth, how we're treated and the expectations the people who raise us (parents, relatives, friends, school teachers) subconsciously place on us.