5 ms·

Hardest reality with online dating is realizing the competition (at least for a 30 year old like myself). When I was in high school, I'm only competing with li

Hardest reality with online dating is realizing the competition (at least for a 30 year old like myself). When I was in high school, I'm only competing with like 2 or 3 guys for 1 girl. In college, that increases to probably like 5-10. With online dating? Feels like 50-100.

blacksmith_tb 9y ago
That could be true in absolute terms, but my impression is that most of your competition can't manage much more than "hey, you're cute" come-ons or worse, so to stand out you just need not be a shallow jerk (apologies to people who are looking for shallow jerks, I'm sure they need love too). I met my last three partners online, over a spread over more than a decade, and that general pattern hasn't changed, talking to them about the people they rejected.
- HeyLaughingBoy 9y ago
  This single fact is one of the most important aspects of online dating. Many years ago, a woman responded to my message with a reply that included the phrase "at least you don't sound desperate." I had no idea what that meant, so when we met I asked her and she showed me the many messages she received from other men. It was appalling to say the least. The messages were so awful and pathetic it was hard for me to understand how low their self-esteem had to be. Message after message made it clear that these guys felt they were out of options and were desperately messaging anyone in the hopes of a lucky positive reply. What woman they thought would find this attractive, I have no idea! Suddenly the success I was having in online dating became clear. Just being pleasant and positive was putting me head and shoulders above what I would be reluctant to call competition. tl/dr: Guys, just be nice, polite, friendly and have a positive spin to your dating messages/emails etc. That alone puts you in the top 1%.
- actuallyalys 9y ago
  To add another anecdote to yours, as a woman dating online, the vast majority of the messages I've received from men are "hey you're cute" or worse. The messages I've received from women are much more likely to be better, but there are much fewer of them.
  - deleted 9y ago
    [deleted]
  - amigoingtodie 9y ago
    Can you share some examples you consider good?
  - hiram112 9y ago
    I don't doubt you get a lot awful messages from men. Dates have showed me their Tinder / OKCupid apps, and not only was I surprised to see just how many messages women actually do receive, but also how bad they were - generic or rude or outright creepy. But having briefly used Bumble, where the women must message the guy first, I never received a message better than 'hey, hows it going?'. Now honestly, I don't believe that's because these women couldn't figure out a better opener. I just don't think they needed to because most men receive far fewer messages and will reply to any match.
    - alikoneko 9y ago
      > But having briefly used Bumble, where the women must message the guy first, I never received a message better than 'hey, hows it going?'. To be fair, Bumble doesn't include a lot of space for you to talk about your interests. If I can't get an idea for who you are based on a picture (yes, most guys only have one), what more can I say other than introduce myself? My go-to icebreaker is "Hi! I'm Ali. I'm bad at this." Edit: I should also note that Bumble isn't a great dating app if you also interested in same-sex relationships. Not relevant to the parent comment, but relevant to me.
      - rarec 9y ago
        That's rather the same issue you have on online dating sites. Can't tell you how many girls love adventures and netflix; what exactly are you supposed to work with here?
        hiram112 9y ago
        Don't forget travel and trying new restaurants!
- deleted 9y ago
  [deleted]
user5994461 9y ago
Are you in the Silicon Valley area? Don't be in the Silicon Valley area. Try New York.
- astrange 9y ago
  If you live in Silicon Valley, consider long-distance dating. You’re a pretty good catch speaking countrywide or worldwide! Anyway, since dating is a market for lemons (all your competition are people who can’t get a relationship) most of them are terrible at it. Women might get tired of bad messages and quit, but they won’t ignore you if you’re calm and not too thirsty.
  - user5994461 9y ago
    Dating is absolutely not a market for lemon.
- nradov 9y ago
  Surveys show the ratio is particularly bad for single heterosexual men in "Man Jose". https://ww2.kqed.org/news/2016/12/29/does-san-jose-deserve-the-nickname-man-jose/ https://ww2.kqed.org/news/2016/12/29/does-san-jose-deserve-t...
Mz 9y ago
The vast majority of men are incredibly easy to outcompete. Start by not being an asshole to her and about 90% (or more) of the competition will be eating your dust right out the gate.
- hiram112 9y ago
  Yeah right. Try being really short or bald or the wrong color (the OKCupid stats show that race plays a larger factor than we'd like to admit). How nice or courteous you are won't even be a factor, because you won't get any messages. Being a 'nice guy' is probably the worst advice you could possibly give to a guy having trouble with women. There are a lot of things one can control, but a lot of things that can't be changed. And knowing the difference, and working on that which can be improved is what men need to learn.
  - deleted 9y ago
    [deleted]
- Double_a_92 9y ago
  Saying "Hey, how are you?" does make me an asshole?
  - Mz 9y ago
    It depends on the context and your intentions.
  - reinhardt 9y ago
    No, just an uncreative generic guy like the previous 99 that messaged her pretty much the same boring question earlier this week.
    - Double_a_92 9y ago
      Can you give me an example of a "creative" message that you could send to a total stranger that you have 2-3 images of, that are not compliments regarding their looks?

blacksmith_tb 9y ago

That could be true in absolute terms, but my impression is that most of your competition can't manage much more than "hey, you're cute" come-ons or worse, so to stand out you just need not be a shallow jerk (apologies to people who are looking for shallow jerks, I'm sure they need love too). I met my last three partners online, over a spread over more than a decade, and that general pattern hasn't changed, talking to them about the people they rejected.

HeyLaughingBoy 9y ago
This single fact is one of the most important aspects of online dating. Many years ago, a woman responded to my message with a reply that included the phrase "at least you don't sound desperate." I had no idea what that meant, so when we met I asked her and she showed me the many messages she received from other men. It was appalling to say the least. The messages were so awful and pathetic it was hard for me to understand how low their self-esteem had to be. Message after message made it clear that these guys felt they were out of options and were desperately messaging anyone in the hopes of a lucky positive reply. What woman they thought would find this attractive, I have no idea! Suddenly the success I was having in online dating became clear. Just being pleasant and positive was putting me head and shoulders above what I would be reluctant to call competition. tl/dr: Guys, just be nice, polite, friendly and have a positive spin to your dating messages/emails etc. That alone puts you in the top 1%.
actuallyalys 9y ago
To add another anecdote to yours, as a woman dating online, the vast majority of the messages I've received from men are "hey you're cute" or worse. The messages I've received from women are much more likely to be better, but there are much fewer of them.
- deleted 9y ago
  [deleted]
- amigoingtodie 9y ago
  Can you share some examples you consider good?
- hiram112 9y ago
  I don't doubt you get a lot awful messages from men. Dates have showed me their Tinder / OKCupid apps, and not only was I surprised to see just how many messages women actually do receive, but also how bad they were - generic or rude or outright creepy. But having briefly used Bumble, where the women must message the guy first, I never received a message better than 'hey, hows it going?'. Now honestly, I don't believe that's because these women couldn't figure out a better opener. I just don't think they needed to because most men receive far fewer messages and will reply to any match.
  - alikoneko 9y ago
    > But having briefly used Bumble, where the women must message the guy first, I never received a message better than 'hey, hows it going?'. To be fair, Bumble doesn't include a lot of space for you to talk about your interests. If I can't get an idea for who you are based on a picture (yes, most guys only have one), what more can I say other than introduce myself? My go-to icebreaker is "Hi! I'm Ali. I'm bad at this." Edit: I should also note that Bumble isn't a great dating app if you also interested in same-sex relationships. Not relevant to the parent comment, but relevant to me.
    - rarec 9y ago
      That's rather the same issue you have on online dating sites. Can't tell you how many girls love adventures and netflix; what exactly are you supposed to work with here?
      - hiram112 9y ago
        Don't forget travel and trying new restaurants!
deleted 9y ago
[deleted]

user5994461 9y ago

Are you in the Silicon Valley area? Don't be in the Silicon Valley area. Try New York.

astrange 9y ago
If you live in Silicon Valley, consider long-distance dating. You’re a pretty good catch speaking countrywide or worldwide! Anyway, since dating is a market for lemons (all your competition are people who can’t get a relationship) most of them are terrible at it. Women might get tired of bad messages and quit, but they won’t ignore you if you’re calm and not too thirsty.
- user5994461 9y ago
  Dating is absolutely not a market for lemon.
nradov 9y ago
Surveys show the ratio is particularly bad for single heterosexual men in "Man Jose". https://ww2.kqed.org/news/2016/12/29/does-san-jose-deserve-the-nickname-man-jose/ https://ww2.kqed.org/news/2016/12/29/does-san-jose-deserve-t...

Mz 9y ago

The vast majority of men are incredibly easy to outcompete. Start by not being an asshole to her and about 90% (or more) of the competition will be eating your dust right out the gate.

hiram112 9y ago
Yeah right. Try being really short or bald or the wrong color (the OKCupid stats show that race plays a larger factor than we'd like to admit). How nice or courteous you are won't even be a factor, because you won't get any messages. Being a 'nice guy' is probably the worst advice you could possibly give to a guy having trouble with women. There are a lot of things one can control, but a lot of things that can't be changed. And knowing the difference, and working on that which can be improved is what men need to learn.
- deleted 9y ago
  [deleted]
Double_a_92 9y ago
Saying "Hey, how are you?" does make me an asshole?
- Mz 9y ago
  It depends on the context and your intentions.
- reinhardt 9y ago
  No, just an uncreative generic guy like the previous 99 that messaged her pretty much the same boring question earlier this week.
  - Double_a_92 9y ago
    Can you give me an example of a "creative" message that you could send to a total stranger that you have 2-3 images of, that are not compliments regarding their looks?