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I remember for a school project long ago I had to interview a bunch of people in nursing homes. Many of them had been in marriages that spanned several decades
by tabeth 9y ago
I remember for a school project long ago I had to interview a bunch of people in nursing homes. Many of them had been in marriages that spanned several decades so I asked them how they made it work.
Shockingly everyone said basically the same thing: agreeableness. Supposedly, having low or nonexistent levels of disagreement, whether financial, moral or otherwise is the key.
So with this said, I'd be curious to know how your profession affects your agreeableness (especially in respect to power dynamics). I wish I asked if they choose to agree, e.g compromise, or if they and their partner were naturally agreeable.
- abpavel 9y agoThis. After a decade of marriage battles I think I'm finally getting a hang of it thanks to this. Saying yes instead of no. Quietly letting something happen instead of arguing for the opposite.
- gertef 9y agoThis is sage advice for business as well.
- old-gregg 9y agoIndeed. Karl Pillemer also interviewed a bunch of people in nursing homes and wrote a book about it: https://www.amazon.com/30-Lessons-Living-Advice-Americans/dp/0452298482 https://www.amazon.com/30-Lessons-Living-Advice-Americans/dp... The book says the same thing.
- mark212 9y agoand yet "lawyers, judges, magistrates and other judicial workers" -- a profession not at all known for agreeableness -- have a divorce rate substantially below the median. (Shocked the hell out of me, to be sure.)
- goldfeld 9y agoPeople in these careers usually seek job security, they tend to be less risk-averse, grounded type of persons.
- careersuicide 9y agoHuh? Those are all careers that require a high level of cooperation with people you might not like, a general understanding of civics and pro-social behavior, and a stick-to-it attitude. What's more, those careers, in my limited experience, tend to attract people who actually believe in civility, reasonableness, and agreeableness rather than people who would merely say they do.
- dasil003 9y agoMaybe they know how ugly divorce can be, and hence try harder to avoid it.
- dragonwriter 9y ago> and yet "lawyers, judges, magistrates and other judicial workers" -- a profession not at all known for agreeableness I think you are confusing lawyers, etc., with the litigants and other disputants whose conflicts provide them jobs. While hardball is sometimes necessary, understanding other people's interests and finding common ground is central to lawyers’ ability to achieve best resolution for their clients.
- srcmap 9y agoThose professions also likely to view all arguments from both side of issue all the time. Probably more likely to reach an agreement when their own disagreement is on the line. If a client is paying you $400/hour to disagree with the other side, then why not....
- drpgq 9y agoIt would be interesting to see the stats for litigators versus other types of lawyers. If I had to guess patent lawyers would probably have a lower chance of divorce than litigators.
- unfocused 9y agoI am married to a litigator, and my background is computer engineering, although I'm now management. About the GP comment, litigators are masterful in conducting problem dissection in a calm manner. It's very easy for us to communicate. The only difficult part, and I think this is universal, is that kids + no sleep = craziness. You can throw the stats out the windows if you have very young children. Even when we go to school meetings with other parents yelling and screaming, we both found ourselves being on side of calm and to the point. Lawyers that like to argue in a public forum and use big words (as I've been told), are typically law students, and not lawyers :)
- twobyfour 9y agoOne thing the legal profession selects for is being able to disagree about something and discuss that disagreement without making it personal.
- lotsofpulp 9y agoI would posit that a part of agreeing includes, subconsciously and consciously, evaluating what the other party is bringing to the table and if you're willing "pay" for it by agreeing. For something as important as financial (translating into physical in today's world) security, I would think that having a partner that makes a decent amount of money and has a secure income stream automatically makes you likelier to agree with them (or compromise, or be willing to do something you might not want to normally).
- dsfyu404ed 9y ago>what the other party is bringing to the table People like to forget that the perceived value of these pros/cons brought to the table varies from person to person.
- watwut 9y agoWhich is one of reasons why being stay at home wife is shitty situation. Regardless of whether this expectation comes from her, the partner or both.
- needz 9y agoSome may consider it to be a bad situation. No need to shame individuals that find fulfillment in managing a home for their loving family.
- watwut 9y agoI mean, sure, but I did not shamed anybody. The perception in parent is not good in long term. If you feel the need to agree, basically because you perceive partner to 'do the big important thing' while you perceive yourself to do 'just a small less important things' then agreements might be pleasant for partner for a while, but it will cost. It will be hit for your self regard, ressentement and unappreciation will build up over time and that will affect everything. Even worst if partner believes so. Real life is not romantic familly movie. It just does not work in such simplistic idyllic way. Definitely not when motivation for roles split is the wish that partner agrees with you more often - due to partner perceiving herself as giving less. That is parents iterpretation, not mine.
- drpgq 9y agoIsn't agreeableness a big 5 psychological trait? It's probably mostly genetically fixed and not affected by your profession, although it probably affects your choice of profession.
- aoeuasdf1 9y agohttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Five_personality_traits#Heritability https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Five_personality_traits#He... Agreeableness is only 42% heritable (the least of the Big 5), and the relative impact of the genetic component decreases if you make a deliberate effort to change your agreeableness, or are incentivized to do so by your environment.
- npsimons 9y ago> I wish I asked if they choose to agree, e.g compromise, or if they and their partner were naturally agreeable. What about a third possibility: that they already had parity beforehand about many issues important to them? Most wisdom about successful marriages I've heard is that you should marry someone whose values are aligned with your own.
- hectorlorenzo 9y agoBut we keep on having this "opposite poles attract each other" kind of narrative in books and movies. I guess that two people agreeing on almost everything from the get-go makes for really boring stories.
- gertef 9y agoAligning values isn't the same as matching personalities. What's important is that each appreciates the other's personality -- that they complement each other, not that the personalities are the same.
- axlprose 9y ago> Aligning values isn't the same as matching personalities This depends on how you define "personality" and "values". Because for example, according to psychological research, personality traits (as defined by the Big 5 model of personality) are strongly correlated with things such as political beliefs (which could be argued is a subset of a person's values at least), and are largely stable over time. So it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to suggest that the more similar the personalities between a couple, the higher the probability of them also having a large set of overlapping "values", however you choose to define them.
- tertius 9y agoAgreeing on, let's say abortion or how to discipline children is not the same as an extrovert marrying an introvert. Some opposites can work together others (think religion) can not.
- coredog64 9y agoBeen married for more than 20 years now. The advice I give younger co-workers who are just getting married is "You can be right or you can be happy."
- tapatio 9y agoWell put. A couple should be required to read this as part of getting married.
- needz 9y agoThat seems a little cynical. Best advice I've heard adjacent to this is to give 60% and expect 40%. If you both do this then everyone ends up with more than they expect.
- tertius 9y agoReplace "be right" with "dominate" and "be happy" with "co-operate". That may make it clearer.
- jonahx 9y agoI hear this all the time, and in its typical meaning I think it's terrible advice. If you care about honesty, or self-respect, or your partner knowing you and how you think -- caving in to everything and avoiding conflict at all costs is the opposite of what you should do. If you rephrase it as "Don't sweat the small stuff" or "Don't be petty and stubborn about things that don't matter," then it's perfectly reasonable.
- throwmeaway32 9y agoI view my relationship like the stock market, it'll have its up and downs, sometimes I'll be ahead, sometimes the market/she'll be ahead and I'll be down....but overtime the stock market generally goes up so it'll all be fine in the end. My wife tends not to like me describing our marriage like that though :)
- 9y ago
- mc32 9y agoThere is a power political couple, the woman is Rep strategist, the man is a Dem strategist. Good god, I have no idea how they make their marriage work, cuz within politics, they are quite the opposite. So, maybe they just agree on everything else.
- grzm 9y agoI believe you're referring to James Carville and Mary Matalin? From Wikipedia: > Both Matalin and Carville have gone on record saying that they do not talk politics at home.[28] The best example of contention between the two, aside from appearances on talk shows, is the 1993 movie The War Room. In the 1992 political campaign, Matalin and Carville were staffing opposing campaigns. Matalin wrote the best-selling book All's Fair: Love, War and Running for President with Carville and co-author Peter Knobler.[0] [0]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Matalin#Personal_life https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Matalin#Personal_life
- mc32 9y agoThat indeed is the duo I had in mind, could not recall their names. But yeah, that has to be the only way to make it work, keep the differences at work. But even in a social sitch, and your SO is making a point you completely disagree with... A normal couple sure, nothing on the table reputation wise, so no biggie, but these two, both are quite stubborn about their respective positions. Props to them though.
- whipoodle 9y agoThere are certainly real political divisions in our country, but at the level of the actual parties it's Pepsi vs Coke.
- losteverything 9y agoIll add this Birth order. (i can't for the life of me find the source). Birth order can be huge in predicting agreeableness. The "get along" factor. First born. Middle. Baby. Only. Powerful dynamics