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>> "Veruca Salt is spoiled by her parents who simply love her and so give her everything she asks for." That's not love. That's the point Roald Dahl is making

by axod 16y ago

>> "Veruca Salt is spoiled by her parents who simply love her and so give her everything she asks for." That's not love. That's the point Roald Dahl is making (IMHO). The only family in the story that really knows and understands what love is, is Charlies' family. He is the richest boy in the world, because he has a family that truly loves him. Even though they are financially poor. Love isn't about giving people what they ask for, it's about giving them what is best for them in the long run. I don't buy my kids toys every time they ask for them. Not because I don't love them, but because I don't want them to take money for granted, and I want them to have a good life balance - because I do love them. I agree it's not all easy, but I think a lot of it does come naturally if you're in the right mindset to let it come naturally. The most important things IMHO are to be relaxed, confident, and make sure you give the baby as much time as you can etc. babies and kids pick up so much on parents that are uptight. Relaxed parents = relaxed kids. >> "Should I encourage him to play or forget the game (that I know he enjoys and has been nice to play together). If I get him to play should I let him win?" I'd encourage him to play again and let him win a couple. If he's a bad winner (Gloating, taunting, saying you're rubbish etc), beat him brutally the next game. I remember my oldest had a year or so when he absolutely hated losing and didn't like playing games with me unless he won. He grew out of it though.

jtheory 16y ago
This is trivially true: "Love isn't about giving people what they ask for, it's about giving them what is best for them in the long run." ...but the more I learn, the more I find that my intuition has been often wrong on "what's best for them in the long run". Usually just in subtle ways, but sometimes in larger ones. Being a relaxed parent is good advice, though that was more how I was a good uncle (but I'm learning to make adjustments to become a good parent). It's super-important to understand that kids are not little adults, even once they start talking and can seem that way. So I don't agree with your game advice (I don't think the lesson you're teaching will be the one the child learns), but you're probably quite right that they'll grow out of it anyway. :) And I'll stop there, because my opinions are based on tons of reading & talking with parents, but only about a year of being a parent myself so far....
- axod 16y ago
  Yeah I agree with those points. I must admit I didn't read anything really to do with parenting before becoming a parent. It seems like there are so many different variables, every child is totally different, that reading books might even spoil things, and you might start looking to books for solutions rather than your intuition. (This might just be my personality - I don't like reading programming books either that teach specific programming style etc). But then I haven't read books on relationships either, but think I do ok there (My wife hasn't divorced me yet ;) ). I can only say what I think worked with my Son when he did similar things playing games. But then I can't be sure if he 'learnt the lesson', or if he just grew out of it naturally. Seems like trying to play at around their level is best, although that's sometimes pretty hard :) If I had identical twins at least I'd be able to do proper A/B testing! ;)
- jtheory 16y ago
  The things I learn from talking with other parents (the smart/creative ones) and reading are usually ways to expand my possible responses to any situation, or insights into what's happening in a kid's head that we easily misinterpret. I totally agree, children can be dramatically different... but if you read books, go to workshops, etc. as ways to expand your options (rather than seeking a prescription to follow even when it feels wrong... intuition is still valuable!), you can get a lot of value. I sat in a parents' workshop that covered how to handle the relatively-common "disaster" experience where a child throws a tantrum in the grocery store because the parent won't give them the toy or candy they wanted. I was already opposed to any physical punishment (and I guess there's the option of leaving your cart and taking them out to the car to wait it out), and obviously giving in is bad because it teaches the kid that screaming in public works. But the other parents had tons of things I hadn't thought of, like: respond with sympathy for the child's frustration -- they really want something they can't have -- and instead of being angry give them (within reason) space & time to express it before the tantrum, respond to the demand by talking to the child about all the things you'd like to get, but can't before even entering the store, have established & reasonable rules about what the child can pick out for themselves, i.e., one thing, under X euros, can't be candy if last trip they got candy There were others as well that I forget now.. it was all food for thought, though.

by axod 16y ago

jtheory 16y ago

This is trivially true: "Love isn't about giving people what they ask for, it's about giving them what is best for them in the long run." ...but the more I learn, the more I find that my intuition has been often wrong on "what's best for them in the long run". Usually just in subtle ways, but sometimes in larger ones. Being a relaxed parent is good advice, though that was more how I was a good uncle (but I'm learning to make adjustments to become a good parent). It's super-important to understand that kids are not little adults, even once they start talking and can seem that way. So I don't agree with your game advice (I don't think the lesson you're teaching will be the one the child learns), but you're probably quite right that they'll grow out of it anyway. :) And I'll stop there, because my opinions are based on tons of reading & talking with parents, but only about a year of being a parent myself so far....

axod 16y ago
Yeah I agree with those points. I must admit I didn't read anything really to do with parenting before becoming a parent. It seems like there are so many different variables, every child is totally different, that reading books might even spoil things, and you might start looking to books for solutions rather than your intuition. (This might just be my personality - I don't like reading programming books either that teach specific programming style etc). But then I haven't read books on relationships either, but think I do ok there (My wife hasn't divorced me yet ;) ). I can only say what I think worked with my Son when he did similar things playing games. But then I can't be sure if he 'learnt the lesson', or if he just grew out of it naturally. Seems like trying to play at around their level is best, although that's sometimes pretty hard :) If I had identical twins at least I'd be able to do proper A/B testing! ;)
jtheory 16y ago
The things I learn from talking with other parents (the smart/creative ones) and reading are usually ways to expand my possible responses to any situation, or insights into what's happening in a kid's head that we easily misinterpret. I totally agree, children can be dramatically different... but if you read books, go to workshops, etc. as ways to expand your options (rather than seeking a prescription to follow even when it feels wrong... intuition is still valuable!), you can get a lot of value. I sat in a parents' workshop that covered how to handle the relatively-common "disaster" experience where a child throws a tantrum in the grocery store because the parent won't give them the toy or candy they wanted. I was already opposed to any physical punishment (and I guess there's the option of leaving your cart and taking them out to the car to wait it out), and obviously giving in is bad because it teaches the kid that screaming in public works. But the other parents had tons of things I hadn't thought of, like: respond with sympathy for the child's frustration -- they really want something they can't have -- and instead of being angry give them (within reason) space & time to express it before the tantrum, respond to the demand by talking to the child about all the things you'd like to get, but can't before even entering the store, have established & reasonable rules about what the child can pick out for themselves, i.e., one thing, under X euros, can't be candy if last trip they got candy There were others as well that I forget now.. it was all food for thought, though.