6 ms·

You should also read part 2 of the article. After some relationships from 18-28 that all ended unhappy, I decided to screen my next partner in a very rational

by geff82 9y ago

You should also read part 2 of the article. After some relationships from 18-28 that all ended unhappy, I decided to screen my next partner in a very rational way. Of course I wanted romance and some attractiveness out of my next girlfriend, but I primarily wanted a friend that I could talk to when we were 95 and sitting in wheelchairs next to each other, unable to do much else. Destiny called and the girl I then met and found worthwhile to date further became my wife and mother of two children. Why I reference the second part of the article: we just talked about it and totally agreed that our marriage was more or less how it should be (as described in part 2) and felt not at all touched by part 1. While we are for sure people that are different, we usually find new stuff we absolutely want to do together. Last year we did boat- and radio licenses (5 so far...), this year we began pistol shooting in a sports club, we travel to many places, have tons of family meetings (I think being in a supportive family helps a lot, too)... yes we also have the occasional fight, but there has been exactly no occurence where it had not been completely resolved before sleeping. So being rational about your partner does not mean to stop the fun, stop the romance, but means you know exactly what you get into and care for the happiness for you own life. Remember: a divorce is often the complete destruction of your life dreams. You can destroy yourself and/or your partner. Your partner REALLY gives the single life he/she has in your hands and hopes, like you do, that everything will go right. Don't be a fool when given such a treasure.

callesgg 9y ago
What where the rational ways that worked for you. What did you screen?
- geff82 9y ago
  Can I talk with her for long periods of time? And if we don't talk, is it awkward? Do we have the similar goals? Do we have the same family values? Do we have an understanding for each others hobbies? Do I like the family I marry into (which was a bit complicated by the fact that her family lives in Iran, I first had to go there visit them)? Do we both want to develop or does she want to stand still? Do we share a similar interest for the world? Can I stand our differences (our main difference is that I definitively like to socialize more with people I don't know while she is rather introvert)? Can I be honest? Don't I want to have an affair? Can we resolve conflicts fast (in a former relationship it took a week, which killed me)? Do we like to eat similar stuff (imagine a vegan and a fast food junkie glued together...)? Can I stand her voice? (I actually first fell in love with her voice which surprising as I am very much guided by hearing sense) Many of those thoughts I had. Quite simple stuff at times. I had two years two think it all through, see how she behaves in everday life. So at the day of the wedding, I knew I got the best I can get. There is always a partner to find that can be more attractive, more intelligent, better at XYZ. But when you've done your due dilligence, all the boxes are ticked in a way you are ok with it, you have found the partner you really need.
  - nether 9y ago
    Much of that can be summed up in the classic adage, "marry your best friend," someone that you really enjoy hanging out with in any setting.
    - karimf 9y ago
      I totally agree with that. The parent comment contains the detailed description of, "marry your best friend." And you can make checklist from that, to measure how "best friend" is your partner.
    - MegaButts 9y ago
      I feel like what's missing from this though is sexual attraction - you are not necessarily attracted to your best friend. If there's no spark, it's just a close friendship. At least to me there is a distinct difference.
      - TomMarius 9y ago
        I understand it like it's all on top of sexual attraction.
    - amelius 9y ago
      But wait, doesn't that mean you're already in their "friend zone"? :)
      - SimonPStevens 9y ago
        If they have a friend zone it's because they are using other criteria to select a partner.
  - smileysteve 9y ago
    > Do I like the family I marry into (which was a bit complicated by the fact that her family lives in Iran, I first had to go there visit them)? Curious about this one, esp given the distance. My family lives in multiple states, and I estimate at best 5-6 days with a 50% chance of seeing some of them in a year. And if I was married and had kids, I'd drop that guess to about 25%. There has been a related post realizing the relatively small amount of time we have with our parents. It seems, that particularly with parents living in a different region of the world, that your need to like the family is limited.
- burntsushi 9y ago
  For me, after two weeks, we sat down together and discussed the "big questions" in our life to make sure we were compatible. We were at the tail end of our undergraduate degrees at the time. e.g., How many children we wanted, our general career paths, where we wanted to live, stance on religion (particularly with how that relates to children) and probably more stuff that I can't remember. Neither of us wanted to waste much time, so we wanted to know if there were any deal-breakers before going much further. Almost 8 years later, and we're happily married. :-)
- nibstwo 9y ago
  We met at 10 years old and are getting married at 24. When we really started dating three years ago, about a month in we did a spreadsheet of ~270 questions about how we wanted to live. We blindly answered so as to not concede or compromise in our answers. VLOOKUP and merge answers. 90% of them are basically identical. The remaining 10% are completely predictive of current and perhaps future points of disagreement and contention. All around it worked infinitely better than prior relationships. We assumed since we had been friends for so long that we could just build the love part. The byproduct of that has been growth mindset around resolving issues and making decisions that makes us extremely effective at helping each other achieve our goals and get our needs met by the relationship. I think a good litmus test for a relationship is how safe you feel talking about long term issues and resolving points of contention. If it just seems normal, invest there. If it is extremely hard to raise those issues, don't.
  - destrynd 9y ago
    Would you care to share what kind of questions if you still have them?
    - nibstwo 9y ago
      http://www.connact.com/~hom/blog/276questions.htm http://www.connact.com/~hom/blog/276questions.htm
  - kogepathic 9y ago
    > about a month in we did a spreadsheet of ~270 questions about how we wanted to live. Would you be willing to share this spreadsheet?
    - nibstwo 9y ago
      http://www.connact.com/~hom/blog/276questions.htm http://www.connact.com/~hom/blog/276questions.htm
      - BatFastard 9y ago
karimf 9y ago
His other articles are also amazing. Elon Musk asked him personally to write about SpaceX, Tesla, and Neuralink.
- zrth 9y ago
  Would you share some urls?
jarjoura 9y ago
I think most people I know in my friend circle also think this way. It's when people change later in life that the old reasons you had for wanting to be together need to change as well. The more well rounded the friendship, the longer it can last, and its why a relationship based mostly on sexual chemistry end the fastest. I also don't think romantic relationships NEED to be lifelong. I definitely know some people who are hardwired to only last a certain amount of time in a relationship no matter what. shrug

by geff82 9y ago

callesgg 9y ago

What where the rational ways that worked for you. What did you screen?

geff82 9y ago
Can I talk with her for long periods of time? And if we don't talk, is it awkward? Do we have the similar goals? Do we have the same family values? Do we have an understanding for each others hobbies? Do I like the family I marry into (which was a bit complicated by the fact that her family lives in Iran, I first had to go there visit them)? Do we both want to develop or does she want to stand still? Do we share a similar interest for the world? Can I stand our differences (our main difference is that I definitively like to socialize more with people I don't know while she is rather introvert)? Can I be honest? Don't I want to have an affair? Can we resolve conflicts fast (in a former relationship it took a week, which killed me)? Do we like to eat similar stuff (imagine a vegan and a fast food junkie glued together...)? Can I stand her voice? (I actually first fell in love with her voice which surprising as I am very much guided by hearing sense) Many of those thoughts I had. Quite simple stuff at times. I had two years two think it all through, see how she behaves in everday life. So at the day of the wedding, I knew I got the best I can get. There is always a partner to find that can be more attractive, more intelligent, better at XYZ. But when you've done your due dilligence, all the boxes are ticked in a way you are ok with it, you have found the partner you really need.
- nether 9y ago
  Much of that can be summed up in the classic adage, "marry your best friend," someone that you really enjoy hanging out with in any setting.
  - karimf 9y ago
    I totally agree with that. The parent comment contains the detailed description of, "marry your best friend." And you can make checklist from that, to measure how "best friend" is your partner.
  - MegaButts 9y ago
    I feel like what's missing from this though is sexual attraction - you are not necessarily attracted to your best friend. If there's no spark, it's just a close friendship. At least to me there is a distinct difference.
    - TomMarius 9y ago
      I understand it like it's all on top of sexual attraction.
  - amelius 9y ago
    But wait, doesn't that mean you're already in their "friend zone"? :)
    - SimonPStevens 9y ago
      If they have a friend zone it's because they are using other criteria to select a partner.
- smileysteve 9y ago
  > Do I like the family I marry into (which was a bit complicated by the fact that her family lives in Iran, I first had to go there visit them)? Curious about this one, esp given the distance. My family lives in multiple states, and I estimate at best 5-6 days with a 50% chance of seeing some of them in a year. And if I was married and had kids, I'd drop that guess to about 25%. There has been a related post realizing the relatively small amount of time we have with our parents. It seems, that particularly with parents living in a different region of the world, that your need to like the family is limited.
burntsushi 9y ago
For me, after two weeks, we sat down together and discussed the "big questions" in our life to make sure we were compatible. We were at the tail end of our undergraduate degrees at the time. e.g., How many children we wanted, our general career paths, where we wanted to live, stance on religion (particularly with how that relates to children) and probably more stuff that I can't remember. Neither of us wanted to waste much time, so we wanted to know if there were any deal-breakers before going much further. Almost 8 years later, and we're happily married. :-)
nibstwo 9y ago
We met at 10 years old and are getting married at 24. When we really started dating three years ago, about a month in we did a spreadsheet of ~270 questions about how we wanted to live. We blindly answered so as to not concede or compromise in our answers. VLOOKUP and merge answers. 90% of them are basically identical. The remaining 10% are completely predictive of current and perhaps future points of disagreement and contention. All around it worked infinitely better than prior relationships. We assumed since we had been friends for so long that we could just build the love part. The byproduct of that has been growth mindset around resolving issues and making decisions that makes us extremely effective at helping each other achieve our goals and get our needs met by the relationship. I think a good litmus test for a relationship is how safe you feel talking about long term issues and resolving points of contention. If it just seems normal, invest there. If it is extremely hard to raise those issues, don't.
- destrynd 9y ago
  Would you care to share what kind of questions if you still have them?
  - nibstwo 9y ago
    http://www.connact.com/~hom/blog/276questions.htm http://www.connact.com/~hom/blog/276questions.htm
- kogepathic 9y ago
  > about a month in we did a spreadsheet of ~270 questions about how we wanted to live. Would you be willing to share this spreadsheet?
  - nibstwo 9y ago
    http://www.connact.com/~hom/blog/276questions.htm http://www.connact.com/~hom/blog/276questions.htm
    - BatFastard 9y ago

karimf 9y ago

His other articles are also amazing. Elon Musk asked him personally to write about SpaceX, Tesla, and Neuralink.

zrth 9y ago
Would you share some urls?

jarjoura 9y ago

I think most people I know in my friend circle also think this way. It's when people change later in life that the old reasons you had for wanting to be together need to change as well. The more well rounded the friendship, the longer it can last, and its why a relationship based mostly on sexual chemistry end the fastest. I also don't think romantic relationships NEED to be lifelong. I definitely know some people who are hardwired to only last a certain amount of time in a relationship no matter what. shrug