4 ms·

The lens through which parenting is viewed here is too narrow. Parenting isn't about being happier. It is about being a bigger and better person. Children ma

The lens through which parenting is viewed here is too narrow. Parenting isn't about being happier. It is about being a bigger and better person. Children make your life BIGGER. You feel moments of happiness like you've never felt before. You also feel moments of anger like you've never felt before. It really is indescribable and not for the faint of heart or the selfish. The beautiful thing about parenting is that it shows you who you really are (not who you think you are), and gives you chances every day to grow. It makes you see what really matters in life, assuming you actually come to this realization. I've seen plenty of people not realize this and fight to keep their identity, their original idea of what they wanted for themselves while also trying to be a parent. That doesn't work. Part of parenting is a certain amount of ego destruction. You have to go through that if you want to genuinely care for another human being. This is what makes the experience of parenting so great. It is a kind of Zen experience of making yourself better by destroying your concept of self (and putting another 'self' first more than your own self would like).

junklight 16y ago
I so agree with this. The whole "does it make my life happier" is such a shallow consumer thing. When I was younger I led an interesting life in many ways but I have never had the intensity of experience I have with and about my children. Another really surprising thing was finding out how much I connect back with society - I want to be part of society and change it and make it better - I get what it is for. Children are not a lifestyle accessory and as the poster above says they push you into all sorts of aspects of your self in all sorts of interesting ways. The mixture of a startup and three small children has certainly been entertaining and there have been times when I am so exhausted I have nothing else to give but then to go and do something simple - like bathing the children or doing something in the garden with them and it makes it all worth while. As I frequently find myself telling my children: Things in life that aren't challenging aren't worth while (possibly hyperbole but you get my point)
- pavel_lishin 16y ago
  Really? Happiness is shallow and consumeristic?
  - junklight 16y ago
    That isn't quite what I am saying. I am saying that buying something - or in this case having children - and expecting instant happiness is shallow and consumeristic. Proper happiness comes from deeper things and while this probably isn't the place to go into it I would argue that its not quite what you should be aiming for - depth of experience and quality of experience are better things to be aiming for to my mind.
  - gcheong 16y ago
    The consumeristic version of happiness is.
  - jimbokun 16y ago
    It is if you're dumb enough to have this as your definition of "happiness": 'When I mention this to Daniel Gilbert, he hardly disputes that meaning is important. But he does wonder how prominently it should figure into people’s decisions to have kids. “When you pause to think what children mean to you, of course they make you feel good,” he says. “The problem is, 95 percent of the time, you’re not thinking about what they mean to you. You’re thinking that you have to take them to piano lessons. So you have to think about which kind of happiness you’ll be consuming most often. Do you want to maximize the one you experience almost all the time”—moment-to-moment happiness—“or the one you experience rarely?”' I mean, why let a little thing like "meaning" affect the decisions you make in life, right? We all know how well focusing on immediate pleasure works in areas such as dieting, exercise, finance, career, etc. Why not apply the same logic to having kids, right?
    - ashot 16y ago
      it seems quite logical to me.
jswinghammer 16y ago
Yep. I agree. I love being a dad. I love that my daughter looks up to me and wants to spend time with me. It's tough sometimes but kids are filled with so much love they more than make up for it. They're also inspiring to be around. Their attitude towards life is fun and refreshing. I invest heavily in my daughter and will invest heavily in our next child as well. By that I mean spending a lot of time with them. I work at home most nights but only after my daughter is in bed and my wife and I have some time to hang out. What I have seen is that some people just aren't interested in being parents and are not entirely sure how they got there. Life is hard sometimes even when you have it easy like I do but even on a hard day being a parent is still great.
gcheong 16y ago
I can't say I disagree, but I can say from my own experience that you don't need kids to experience and learn everything you mentioned. Having kids probably makes it easier to experience and learn those things as most people are pretty much committed to their kids once they have them, but they are certainly no guarantee and you would not have to look very far to find examples that run counter to your particular experience.
balding_n_tired 16y ago
Agreed on the whole, but with the reservation that one should not consider having children as a means of building character.

junklight 16y ago

I so agree with this. The whole "does it make my life happier" is such a shallow consumer thing. When I was younger I led an interesting life in many ways but I have never had the intensity of experience I have with and about my children. Another really surprising thing was finding out how much I connect back with society - I want to be part of society and change it and make it better - I get what it is for. Children are not a lifestyle accessory and as the poster above says they push you into all sorts of aspects of your self in all sorts of interesting ways. The mixture of a startup and three small children has certainly been entertaining and there have been times when I am so exhausted I have nothing else to give but then to go and do something simple - like bathing the children or doing something in the garden with them and it makes it all worth while. As I frequently find myself telling my children: Things in life that aren't challenging aren't worth while (possibly hyperbole but you get my point)

pavel_lishin 16y ago
Really? Happiness is shallow and consumeristic?
- junklight 16y ago
  That isn't quite what I am saying. I am saying that buying something - or in this case having children - and expecting instant happiness is shallow and consumeristic. Proper happiness comes from deeper things and while this probably isn't the place to go into it I would argue that its not quite what you should be aiming for - depth of experience and quality of experience are better things to be aiming for to my mind.
- gcheong 16y ago
  The consumeristic version of happiness is.
- jimbokun 16y ago
  It is if you're dumb enough to have this as your definition of "happiness": 'When I mention this to Daniel Gilbert, he hardly disputes that meaning is important. But he does wonder how prominently it should figure into people’s decisions to have kids. “When you pause to think what children mean to you, of course they make you feel good,” he says. “The problem is, 95 percent of the time, you’re not thinking about what they mean to you. You’re thinking that you have to take them to piano lessons. So you have to think about which kind of happiness you’ll be consuming most often. Do you want to maximize the one you experience almost all the time”—moment-to-moment happiness—“or the one you experience rarely?”' I mean, why let a little thing like "meaning" affect the decisions you make in life, right? We all know how well focusing on immediate pleasure works in areas such as dieting, exercise, finance, career, etc. Why not apply the same logic to having kids, right?
  - ashot 16y ago
    it seems quite logical to me.

jswinghammer 16y ago

Yep. I agree. I love being a dad. I love that my daughter looks up to me and wants to spend time with me. It's tough sometimes but kids are filled with so much love they more than make up for it. They're also inspiring to be around. Their attitude towards life is fun and refreshing. I invest heavily in my daughter and will invest heavily in our next child as well. By that I mean spending a lot of time with them. I work at home most nights but only after my daughter is in bed and my wife and I have some time to hang out. What I have seen is that some people just aren't interested in being parents and are not entirely sure how they got there. Life is hard sometimes even when you have it easy like I do but even on a hard day being a parent is still great.

gcheong 16y ago

I can't say I disagree, but I can say from my own experience that you don't need kids to experience and learn everything you mentioned. Having kids probably makes it easier to experience and learn those things as most people are pretty much committed to their kids once they have them, but they are certainly no guarantee and you would not have to look very far to find examples that run counter to your particular experience.

balding_n_tired 16y ago

Agreed on the whole, but with the reservation that one should not consider having children as a means of building character.