4 ms·

Often the counter-argument to this is that it feels artificial, unnatural, and it will definitely kill the mood. So I want to preemptively address it. When a g

by novia 9y ago

Often the counter-argument to this is that it feels artificial, unnatural, and it will definitely kill the mood. So I want to preemptively address it. When a guy asks before touching me, and of course I'm already interested, it makes me melt. It is so sexy and it definitely improves the mood. I just want to point to myself as one data-point. If you're having trouble believing it, imagine that a hot swimsuit model walks up to you and asks if she can rub your shoulders. Would you be like, "Uh, no, by communicating with me you have completely killed my interest"?

codezero 9y ago
I'm convinced the whole "kills the mood" line is coming from folks where the mood never existed but they thought it did. It's basically victim blaming :/ Your example is spot on.
- throwaway1572 9y ago
  As a person who asks, I can tell you that you're wrong. My spouse confided in me (years after it happened) that when I asked to kiss them the very first time, they thought it was kind of a turn-off and wished I had just done it. (But they said "yes", so there's that.)
  - emmab 9y ago
    As a woman who is submissive sometimes, I totally want certain people to do things to me without asking, but there are other people I don't want to do these things. Explicit communication is not a barrier for me experiencing submissiveness because the fact I consented years ago to my partner doing such things to me does not make it any less fun. I'm definitely willing to forgoe some fun on the first date to avoid having it done to me by someone I'm not into or don't feel safe around (separate variables!).
- dnautics 9y ago
  I've been told by one girlfriend that asking killed the mood. I'm sane enough to have basically ignored her advice for ever relationship since.
dsacco 9y ago
> If you're having trouble believing it, imagine that a hot swimsuit model walks up to you and asks if she can rub your shoulders. Would you be like, "Uh, no, by communicating with me you have completely killed my interest"? I hate to be this person, but yes that would kill my interest. I'd be put off by her asking to touch me without any attempt at building a rapport first - that's sort of weird, just like it'd be weird if you switched the gender roles. And if she established a rapport, I'd very slightly lean towards wishing she hadn't asked. All things being equal, yes, I'd prefer she just initiated without asking (after establishing a rapport). I don't mean to invalidate your point, but I have this feeling you thought that example would sort of just "make it click", and it didn't (at least not for me). It seems like this is probably a preference thing.
- guildwriter 9y ago
  Going to have to agree with you here. I personally find it a bit off putting that the parent poster assumed that because their example involved a sexually attractive woman, men would automatically go for it. I am the type of person who shies away from physical contact unless it is with people I feel close with. Physical attractiveness while important, is not enough to overcome the fact that I need to feel an emotional connection to let people near me in that way. If such a person asked me without building a connection with me, I'd turn cold towards them. That being said, I don't claim to think that I am the norm or that my case is the case for every person. It is definitely a question of personal preferences and should not be treated as a universal.
  - qubex 9y ago
    I'm like you, so that makes at least two of us.
1123581321 9y ago
Sorry, but this doesn't address a valid subjective feeling that many people have. Nonverbal communication can certainly be more exciting than verbal for people. But in a workplace setting, it's worth giving that up in order to avoid problems. I think it's better to explicitly acknowledge that is a trade-off for many people than to brush legitimate preferences and feelings aside. (Writing this as someone who is happily married due to a series of verbal checks and confirmations. :) )
- deleted 9y ago
  [deleted]
morgante 9y ago
> Would you be like, "Uh, no, by communicating with me you have completely killed my interest"? It's not about completely killing my interest, but my mood would be slightly lessened. Also, there are some things where consent works better than others. Asking if you can give a back rub, that works pretty find. Asking if you can lightly brush their elbow, not so much.
morgante 9y ago
> Would you be like, "Uh, no, by communicating with me you have completely killed my interest"? It's not about completely killing my interest, but my mood would be slightly lessened. Also, there are some things where consent works better than others. Asking if you can give a back rub, that works pretty find. Asking if you can lightly brush their elbow, not so much.

by novia 9y ago

codezero 9y ago

I'm convinced the whole "kills the mood" line is coming from folks where the mood never existed but they thought it did. It's basically victim blaming :/ Your example is spot on.

throwaway1572 9y ago
As a person who asks, I can tell you that you're wrong. My spouse confided in me (years after it happened) that when I asked to kiss them the very first time, they thought it was kind of a turn-off and wished I had just done it. (But they said "yes", so there's that.)
- emmab 9y ago
  As a woman who is submissive sometimes, I totally want certain people to do things to me without asking, but there are other people I don't want to do these things. Explicit communication is not a barrier for me experiencing submissiveness because the fact I consented years ago to my partner doing such things to me does not make it any less fun. I'm definitely willing to forgoe some fun on the first date to avoid having it done to me by someone I'm not into or don't feel safe around (separate variables!).
dnautics 9y ago
I've been told by one girlfriend that asking killed the mood. I'm sane enough to have basically ignored her advice for ever relationship since.

dsacco 9y ago

> If you're having trouble believing it, imagine that a hot swimsuit model walks up to you and asks if she can rub your shoulders. Would you be like, "Uh, no, by communicating with me you have completely killed my interest"? I hate to be this person, but yes that would kill my interest. I'd be put off by her asking to touch me without any attempt at building a rapport first - that's sort of weird, just like it'd be weird if you switched the gender roles. And if she established a rapport, I'd very slightly lean towards wishing she hadn't asked. All things being equal, yes, I'd prefer she just initiated without asking (after establishing a rapport). I don't mean to invalidate your point, but I have this feeling you thought that example would sort of just "make it click", and it didn't (at least not for me). It seems like this is probably a preference thing.

guildwriter 9y ago
Going to have to agree with you here. I personally find it a bit off putting that the parent poster assumed that because their example involved a sexually attractive woman, men would automatically go for it. I am the type of person who shies away from physical contact unless it is with people I feel close with. Physical attractiveness while important, is not enough to overcome the fact that I need to feel an emotional connection to let people near me in that way. If such a person asked me without building a connection with me, I'd turn cold towards them. That being said, I don't claim to think that I am the norm or that my case is the case for every person. It is definitely a question of personal preferences and should not be treated as a universal.
- qubex 9y ago
  I'm like you, so that makes at least two of us.

1123581321 9y ago

Sorry, but this doesn't address a valid subjective feeling that many people have. Nonverbal communication can certainly be more exciting than verbal for people. But in a workplace setting, it's worth giving that up in order to avoid problems. I think it's better to explicitly acknowledge that is a trade-off for many people than to brush legitimate preferences and feelings aside. (Writing this as someone who is happily married due to a series of verbal checks and confirmations. :) )

deleted 9y ago
[deleted]

morgante 9y ago

> Would you be like, "Uh, no, by communicating with me you have completely killed my interest"? It's not about completely killing my interest, but my mood would be slightly lessened. Also, there are some things where consent works better than others. Asking if you can give a back rub, that works pretty find. Asking if you can lightly brush their elbow, not so much.

morgante 9y ago