3 ms·

Picture yourself telling this story to your kid one day. Then your kid asking you "and what did you do?" Then yourself telling them what you did or what you d

by Jare 9y ago

Picture yourself telling this story to your kid one day. Then your kid asking you "and what did you do?" Then yourself telling them what you did or what you did not do. If you are honest throughout that mental exercise, your next steps, whatever they may be, should be a lot easier to take.

lordnacho 9y ago
Going through it in my head now, actually. It seems there's an opportunity to meet my friend in person soon. I'll use it to ask about what exactly happened. It's not the kind of thing that comes across well electronically, you really need to be there in real time looking at the reaction. It also needs to be managed properly because this friend is in a somewhat fragile state for completely separate reasons. The last time we met this other issue meant nothing else could even be discussed. But the key takeaway for my kids is his parents aren't perfect. Hopefully he will have learned that in other ways by the time he's old enough to understand this situation.
- arthur_pryor 9y ago
  way to at least try to engage with the issue. best of luck.
- urbanj 9y ago
  This really isn't about attaining some impossible standard of perfection. If it was your child being treated like that, what would you do? Would you hope that someone who witnessed your child being treated like that would say or do something?
- MrLeap 9y ago
  Phew, thank you. I'm just a stranger on the internet, but i'm immensely grateful that you're planning to investigate this.
- hkmurakami 9y ago
  Perhaps the situation you find yourself in is so egregious that it is "worth" the risk of losing a friendship, possibly troubling your friend even more, and you yourself going through much emotional distress leading up to, and during the conversation. I've been accused by a friend for not doing enough in a much less egregious situation (but also in the category of morality and equality), and understand the social difficulty in broaching such a topic, especially if you don't know them well. It's easy to say "do the right thing" on an internet forum to a stranger, especially if you yourself haven't been in this social situation where you know what the right thing is in a vacuum, yet our survival instincts push us towards not stirring the water. I think your reaction thus far is completely rational given such an alien situation (which is where I found myself in the past). I just want to say that your internal turmoil is being discounted too much by other commenters. I hope that you can find internal peace and understanding of where you stand and what you believe in for yourself, not because someone tells you that's what people "should do", before doing or saying anything, because that is the only way we can sustain both our moral and emotional health.
  - MrZongle2 9y ago
    I upvoted your comment because I think it's the kind of positive, supportive remark seen too rarely online. I say this with complete sincerity. However, part of your response gave me pause: "I just want to say that your internal turmoil is being discounted too much by other commenters." I would offer that we cannot underestimate the internal turmoil, stress and emotional trauma of the aforementioned "housekeeper" (slave), who sleeps on a mat in the kitchen, and that any internal turmoil by those of us with freedom pales in comparison. Immediate, unambiguous action is the only moral response to slavery.
- Jare 9y ago
  Thank you for sharing your original story, and your thoughts and conflicts over the situation you face. I wish you and your loved ones the best.
- prawn 9y ago
  "Hey, when I was at your place, [housekeeper's name] was sleeping in the [location] - is that normal? Does she get a room? Surely there's a spare room for her?" "I need to keep rooms spare for when friends visit." "When does that ever happen though? Come on man, they would understand if they had to stay nearby or squeeze into a room. [Housekeeper] is there every day. She is a gem and works so hard. I couldn't do that to someone. I think if you have a better supported employee or helper or whatever, they're more likely to be happier around your family and feel naturally interested in their role." "She doesn't mind." "I bet she would, but do you really think she'd feel comfortable raising that with you? You should do the right thing. Think about how valuable a comfortable room is to you. Everyone should be able to appreciate that and not sleep on a mat."

by Jare 9y ago

lordnacho 9y ago

Going through it in my head now, actually. It seems there's an opportunity to meet my friend in person soon. I'll use it to ask about what exactly happened. It's not the kind of thing that comes across well electronically, you really need to be there in real time looking at the reaction. It also needs to be managed properly because this friend is in a somewhat fragile state for completely separate reasons. The last time we met this other issue meant nothing else could even be discussed. But the key takeaway for my kids is his parents aren't perfect. Hopefully he will have learned that in other ways by the time he's old enough to understand this situation.

arthur_pryor 9y ago
way to at least try to engage with the issue. best of luck.
urbanj 9y ago
This really isn't about attaining some impossible standard of perfection. If it was your child being treated like that, what would you do? Would you hope that someone who witnessed your child being treated like that would say or do something?
MrLeap 9y ago
Phew, thank you. I'm just a stranger on the internet, but i'm immensely grateful that you're planning to investigate this.
hkmurakami 9y ago
Perhaps the situation you find yourself in is so egregious that it is "worth" the risk of losing a friendship, possibly troubling your friend even more, and you yourself going through much emotional distress leading up to, and during the conversation. I've been accused by a friend for not doing enough in a much less egregious situation (but also in the category of morality and equality), and understand the social difficulty in broaching such a topic, especially if you don't know them well. It's easy to say "do the right thing" on an internet forum to a stranger, especially if you yourself haven't been in this social situation where you know what the right thing is in a vacuum, yet our survival instincts push us towards not stirring the water. I think your reaction thus far is completely rational given such an alien situation (which is where I found myself in the past). I just want to say that your internal turmoil is being discounted too much by other commenters. I hope that you can find internal peace and understanding of where you stand and what you believe in for yourself, not because someone tells you that's what people "should do", before doing or saying anything, because that is the only way we can sustain both our moral and emotional health.
- MrZongle2 9y ago
  I upvoted your comment because I think it's the kind of positive, supportive remark seen too rarely online. I say this with complete sincerity. However, part of your response gave me pause: "I just want to say that your internal turmoil is being discounted too much by other commenters." I would offer that we cannot underestimate the internal turmoil, stress and emotional trauma of the aforementioned "housekeeper" (slave), who sleeps on a mat in the kitchen, and that any internal turmoil by those of us with freedom pales in comparison. Immediate, unambiguous action is the only moral response to slavery.
Jare 9y ago
Thank you for sharing your original story, and your thoughts and conflicts over the situation you face. I wish you and your loved ones the best.
prawn 9y ago
"Hey, when I was at your place, [housekeeper's name] was sleeping in the [location] - is that normal? Does she get a room? Surely there's a spare room for her?" "I need to keep rooms spare for when friends visit." "When does that ever happen though? Come on man, they would understand if they had to stay nearby or squeeze into a room. [Housekeeper] is there every day. She is a gem and works so hard. I couldn't do that to someone. I think if you have a better supported employee or helper or whatever, they're more likely to be happier around your family and feel naturally interested in their role." "She doesn't mind." "I bet she would, but do you really think she'd feel comfortable raising that with you? You should do the right thing. Think about how valuable a comfortable room is to you. Everyone should be able to appreciate that and not sleep on a mat."