5 ms·

Being a wallflower isn't a great way to meet people agreed. but after a few decades I've come to realize that its a symptom rather than a cause - if you want to

by rb808 10y ago

Being a wallflower isn't a great way to meet people agreed. but after a few decades I've come to realize that its a symptom rather than a cause - if you want to meet people you need to plan ahead - invite others to come with you, go to places you know people already - introduce yourself and chat to friends of friends not strangers. If you go to a place where you're by yourself and aren't talking to people you aren't a wallflower, you just didn't prepare.

deleted 10y ago
[deleted]
danenania 10y ago
This is very true--feeling comfortable and making friends in a roomful of complete strangers is difficult even for extroverts. Some people can pull it off but they are well outside the norm. Being a wallflower is a natural inclination for anyone in this scenario. It's not only shy people who feel this way.
pasbesoin 10y ago
Also, look at other sources of stress in your life. As I've mentioned before, I had neighbors who made my life hell. As a result, I never invited people over. I was always dependent upon an invitation and going somewhere else. Additionally, and primarily, I was so stressed and not feeling good about myself, that I felt awkward in conversations. The questions about immediate life; well, my answers -- and I've always had trouble dissembling -- were not "good" and "cheerful." This all becomes more and more of a Catch 22. You're not doing well. Your social life dwindles. You feel worse for the lack of a social life and engagement. And, those social engagements you do have, can take on too much meaning. Too much import. And you choke. So... Look at sources of (negative) stress in your life. And minimize them where you can't eliminate them. This isn't some mantra to "feel better" (in the face of reality). This is an action plan. Not always an easy one, but where you can identify problems and -- hopefully -- solutions. My best wishes to everyone who faces this.
- Neliquat 10y ago
  Focing on your stress, avoiding inviting people over, it sounds like your problem is before your eyes. There will always be stress. How we see people depends mostly on how they handle it.
  - pasbesoin 10y ago
    I had a lot of advice to "get used to things." Family, friends, even some health care professionals. It placed all the burden on me, to accommodate the stressors. This is an anti-pattern. That is my point. Work through and past and away from the negative stress. You have a right -- and responsibility -- to do so. And you'll feel less uncomfortable around other people, when you feel like you're taking care of yourself.
  - wwweston 10y ago
    "There will always be tasks you can't automate away, so... don't try to automate your tasks away." (This isn't to say that resilient patterns can't help you engage with potentially stressful situations OR help you get in, chop wood, and move through tasks that aren't easily automated... just that "there will always be stress/tasks/entropy/hunger/fill-in-the-blank" doesn't seem to be a compelling reason to avoid efforts to mitigate any of them.)
dghughes 10y ago
I guess that's why my motto is "Nothing ever changes because nothing ever does."
hkmurakami 10y ago
My "networking" became 100x easier and more effective once I ditched "networking events" (not that I ever went to many) and made "friends of friends" networking through hikes/biking/dinner/etc. my main mode of expanding my circle of friendly knowledge worker acquaintances. Also you form actual friendships from time to time.
- deleted 10y ago
  [deleted]
- mathattack 10y ago
  Very true. Meeting friends through friends is much more effective. And Networking events usually wind up having too many insurance salespeople!
  - godmodus 10y ago
    Thats a catch 22 for some. Cant meet friends through friends if you dont have feiends.
    - QML 10y ago
      Just think about it as an exponential function. All you need is a seed value of 1 -- so make that one friend.
      - im3w1l 10y ago
        Not really - it only works if that one friend is connected, and if they are willing to take you to events with their other friends. I know many people who prefer meeting 1-on-1.
  - mjevans 10y ago
    Has to be the right friends and social activities too. I don't want to drink or do other recreational drugs (even if they are legal). Going and not doing also seems to be not an option, you're clearly the black sheep.
blablabla123 10y ago
From experience I can tell you that the article is 100% correct. I'm socially kind of unusual (I manage to be not too awkward ;)) and also I'm not exactly a super model. Having moved to new cities twice, I had big problems making friends. Even worse, over the years I talked less and less. But then I realized: ok, I just need to literally make myself drown in people. So I went to Meetups a lot. At least now I had some new acquaintances. Actually I ended up working in a place that also hosts Meetups, I made a lot of friends there - also friends that I consider close. The truth is: many of the "most likeable" people - young or old - spend most of their time alone. Alone at their desk, alone at home, alone in the car. It seems society is just an actual society at School and University, afterwards people become loners. As a matter of fact many people even die more or less alone, no matter if the career was successful or not.

by rb808 10y ago

deleted 10y ago

[deleted]

danenania 10y ago

This is very true--feeling comfortable and making friends in a roomful of complete strangers is difficult even for extroverts. Some people can pull it off but they are well outside the norm. Being a wallflower is a natural inclination for anyone in this scenario. It's not only shy people who feel this way.

pasbesoin 10y ago

Also, look at other sources of stress in your life. As I've mentioned before, I had neighbors who made my life hell. As a result, I never invited people over. I was always dependent upon an invitation and going somewhere else. Additionally, and primarily, I was so stressed and not feeling good about myself, that I felt awkward in conversations. The questions about immediate life; well, my answers -- and I've always had trouble dissembling -- were not "good" and "cheerful." This all becomes more and more of a Catch 22. You're not doing well. Your social life dwindles. You feel worse for the lack of a social life and engagement. And, those social engagements you do have, can take on too much meaning. Too much import. And you choke. So... Look at sources of (negative) stress in your life. And minimize them where you can't eliminate them. This isn't some mantra to "feel better" (in the face of reality). This is an action plan. Not always an easy one, but where you can identify problems and -- hopefully -- solutions. My best wishes to everyone who faces this.

Neliquat 10y ago
Focing on your stress, avoiding inviting people over, it sounds like your problem is before your eyes. There will always be stress. How we see people depends mostly on how they handle it.
- pasbesoin 10y ago
  I had a lot of advice to "get used to things." Family, friends, even some health care professionals. It placed all the burden on me, to accommodate the stressors. This is an anti-pattern. That is my point. Work through and past and away from the negative stress. You have a right -- and responsibility -- to do so. And you'll feel less uncomfortable around other people, when you feel like you're taking care of yourself.
- wwweston 10y ago
  "There will always be tasks you can't automate away, so... don't try to automate your tasks away." (This isn't to say that resilient patterns can't help you engage with potentially stressful situations OR help you get in, chop wood, and move through tasks that aren't easily automated... just that "there will always be stress/tasks/entropy/hunger/fill-in-the-blank" doesn't seem to be a compelling reason to avoid efforts to mitigate any of them.)

dghughes 10y ago

I guess that's why my motto is "Nothing ever changes because nothing ever does."

hkmurakami 10y ago

My "networking" became 100x easier and more effective once I ditched "networking events" (not that I ever went to many) and made "friends of friends" networking through hikes/biking/dinner/etc. my main mode of expanding my circle of friendly knowledge worker acquaintances. Also you form actual friendships from time to time.

deleted 10y ago
[deleted]
mathattack 10y ago
Very true. Meeting friends through friends is much more effective. And Networking events usually wind up having too many insurance salespeople!
- godmodus 10y ago
  Thats a catch 22 for some. Cant meet friends through friends if you dont have feiends.
  - QML 10y ago
    Just think about it as an exponential function. All you need is a seed value of 1 -- so make that one friend.
    - im3w1l 10y ago
      Not really - it only works if that one friend is connected, and if they are willing to take you to events with their other friends. I know many people who prefer meeting 1-on-1.
- mjevans 10y ago
  Has to be the right friends and social activities too. I don't want to drink or do other recreational drugs (even if they are legal). Going and not doing also seems to be not an option, you're clearly the black sheep.

blablabla123 10y ago

From experience I can tell you that the article is 100% correct. I'm socially kind of unusual (I manage to be not too awkward ;)) and also I'm not exactly a super model. Having moved to new cities twice, I had big problems making friends. Even worse, over the years I talked less and less. But then I realized: ok, I just need to literally make myself drown in people. So I went to Meetups a lot. At least now I had some new acquaintances. Actually I ended up working in a place that also hosts Meetups, I made a lot of friends there - also friends that I consider close. The truth is: many of the "most likeable" people - young or old - spend most of their time alone. Alone at their desk, alone at home, alone in the car. It seems society is just an actual society at School and University, afterwards people become loners. As a matter of fact many people even die more or less alone, no matter if the career was successful or not.