13 ms·

How to Become Well-Connected

573 points by rchen8 9y ago

verdverm 9y ago
Dale Carnegie 101 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influen...
- jobu 9y ago
  Yep, this article is a re-hash of what Dale Carnegie started teaching over 100 years ago. My main takeaway from that class was to ask enough questions when I meet someone so that I can to steer the conversation toward a mutual interest. After that the personal connection is made and conversation is fun and easy. The best way to make an impression on someone is to ask questions about them until you find some
  - mindcrime 9y ago
    The best way to make an impression on someone is to ask questions about them until you find some Yes, but you have to be careful or you can make the person feel like they are being interrogated. Maybe not quite to the level of shining a bright light in their face and asking "where were you at 8:00pm on the night of January 23rd", but still, an endless stream of questions - done poorly - can make people feel uncomfortable even if it is true that "people love talking about themselves". You may laugh at this, but some of the best advice I've heard on this subject came from Kezia Noble, a lady who teaches "pickup artist" material. Except... she bills herself as part of that world, but in reality her material is just general conversation skills which can be applied in pretty much any context. I don't feel like trying to type up a complete rehash / summary of her technique here, but a big part of it involves distinguishing between "high value" answers to questions, and "low value" answers, and figuring out how to branch off from the high value answers in a way that keeps the other person engaged. There's also an element about making statements instead of just asking questions, etc. Just to illustrate, here's a really made up example of how this might go: You: "So, where did you go to school?" Them: "Berkeley" (reasonably high value answer, but what to do with it??) You: "Oh. So... what did you major in?" Them: "Economics." (again, good answer, but can you do something with it?) You: "Oh. Ah. Cool. So you must like math, huh?" Them: "no". ("yes", "no", etc. are usually low value answers that don't lead naturally to anything else) You: "Oh. Right. SO, um... do you like fishing?" Them: "What? No. What is this, an interview?" --------- On the other hand, here's how it could go: You: "So, where did you go to school?" Them: "Berkeley" You: "Nice. Why did you pick Berkeley?" Them: "Well, it has a reputation for great academics and a tradition of activism." You: "Oh, yeah. My school ($WHATEVER) had a great academics as well, but not much activism." (statement instead of a question) Them: "Activism is really important to me, especially around climate change. I wouldn't have gone to a school that didn't have that aspect." You: "Cool. So what did you major in?" Them: "Economics." You: "Ah... so what's the connection between economics and climate change?" -------- Anyway, you can kind of see the pattern. Elicit more complex responses, make statements, lead off of their complex answers, don't just suddenly branch off to something unrelated, etc.
    - coldtea 9y ago
      >Them: "Activism is really important to me, especially around climate change. I wouldn't have gone to a school that didn't have that aspect." Off topic, but this is so cringe-worthy...
      - SomeStupidPoint 9y ago
        ...Why? I'm actually genuinely curious why you feel that way, assuming the person is sincere.
        hueving 9y ago
        If you care about climate change, having protects in one of the biggest echo chambers in the US university system is about the least effective thing you can do. It's also completely unrelated to the quality of education you will get so it's stupid to tie your school selection to that. It's like choosing a campus based on one with the most red-colored buildings.
        SomeStupidPoint 9y ago
        Two points: 1. I parsed the statement slightly differently, in that having a campus full of activism was important, not specifically climate change. 2. Activism requires learning and networking, so it makes sense that if you want to learn that skill and form a network fresh out of high school, you would go somewhere there's an established network to join and many mentors to be found. It's much more like choosing a school because their alumni organization has connections you're interested in or has business ties to an industry you want to get in to or has a famous athletics program or any of the not-strictly-academic reasons that make sense from a career development perspective. If the person seriously wants to be an activist, even in a non-professional capacity, it makes sense to go somewhere they develop that part of you (even if they don't have the best academics). It's nothing like choosing one based on red building count.
        coldtea 9y ago
        For one, because where you go to college and whether the school has some student level "activism" about climate change has zero (or even negative) impact on actual climate change.
  - cookiecaper 9y ago
    Carnegie's book boils down to one important principle, which he mentions but doesn't necessarily emphasize. The key to winning friends and influencing people: make them feel important. The rest of it is details, and probably details you've heard a lot before, since the culture has had a long time to internalize HTWFAIP (still a good read). Our egos drive our behavior. The best way to boil Carnegie down is to always ask "Is the person's sense of importance going to be flattered or offended by this? How can I phrase it in a way that will at least not offend their importance, if I can't flatter it?" This was a really good handle for me because I do believe that everyone is [potentially] important, and it makes sense to me that we should respect that fact in all interactions. It makes sense that people would avoid those who damage their own sense of self-importance, which they have every right to have. This realization took away a lot of the reticence I felt around hand-crafted social experiences. It doesn't really require you to be untruthful in any way, or prevent you from getting your point across; it just gives a good guideline for how to do so sensitively. Don't know if it will click for anyone else, but that's what did it for me.
    - scandinavegan 9y ago
      Thanks for the summary. I haven't read the book yet, but I'll have to sometime. It's interesting that on one side you have Carnegie's "make them feel important to make them interested in you" and on the other side you have the pick-up artists' (I'm not defending them) "neg them to make them interested in you". In one variant you lift the other person up and in the other you push them down, both with the idea of wanting them to talk to you more. I've heard that men that tease each other (in one sense making them feel less important) in groups do it as a bonding experience, because the fact that you can tease the other person without them punching you is a sign that you're members of the same group. On the other hand, gently teasing someone in a group can make them feel more important as well, since you're suggesting that they're important enough to deserve being teased. With Carnegie on one side and the pick-up artists on the other, I'll obviously side with Carnegie's more positive view of human interactions. It also fits well with a tenet in improvisational theater that you should always make the other actor look good. You both benefit from that, especially if they do the same to you. If you make them look good, the audience thinks you're both good, and the other actor will want to play more scenes with you. It seems like an obvious suggestion, but what it does is it shifts your focus from what you can do to look good yourself to what you can do to make the other person look good, which is often a lot easier anyway. It takes you out of your own head and makes you more attentive and focused on the other person, so that you can respond to and amplify the good thing they do.
- Balgair 9y ago
  Yes! To HNers out there that are put off by the title of the book, Please do not judge a book by it's cover! 'How to Win Friends...' is a classic book with real, gritty, and practical advice that really does help. If you have not yet read it, do yourself a favor, swallow the bitter pill that is the title, and read it this weekend. Almost no other book is better at helping you learn how to 'network' than this one (though if you know of a better one, please leave a comment!)
  - nickpsecurity 9y ago
    It's so good that managers in many companies mandate that managers or support people read it. Another I liked was Lifetime Conversation Guide.
  - perlgeek 9y ago
    Agreed. The "influence people" part of the title really rubbed me the wrong way. But after reading it, it's not at all about manipulating people. It could just as well be titled "How to be a pleasant human being", because that's what it's mostly about -- along with many anecdotes illustrating the positive consequence of behaving pleasantly and respectfully.
  - Taylor_OD 9y ago
    Better yet grab the audio book. It's not one of those books that is read for it's beautiful prose its read for its content. Perfect for listening when you have 15-25 minutes free.
Arqu 9y ago
This got to be the worst choice of colors for mobile I've seen in a long time. Can barely read it at max brightness.
- Arqu 9y ago
  Actually seems just that some css didn't load properly.
pdog 9y ago
These are good techniques for working a network but you'll need better advice than "be human" if you want to be influential. Networking is overrated. Figure out what you're good at and make sure people hear about it. The network will take care of itself.
- edraferi 9y ago
  Excellent book on this topic is "So Good They Can't Ignore You" by Cal Newport https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0076DDBJ6 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0076DDBJ6
- robertothais 9y ago
  The "make sure people hear about it" part is non-trivial, and assumes that you already have a minimal audience that cares about your work. In other words, you're already networking when you're trying to get people to pay attention to you. The article provides a set of practical lessons intended to help you with that.
- gertef 9y ago
  > "be human" "The key is authenticity. If you can fake that, you can acheive anything."
  - toomuchtodo 9y ago
    From John Oliver's piece on Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner the other night: Oliver then cited Ivanka’s 2009 book, The Trump Card: Playing to Win in Work and Life, in which she wrote: “Perception is more important than reality. If someone perceives something to be true, it is more important than if it is in fact true. This doesn’t mean you should be duplicitous or deceitful, but don’t go out of your way to correct a false assumption if it plays to your advantage.”
    - blhack 9y ago
      I feel like that quote is being taken somewhat out of context; she's basically repeating an extremely common "business-ism": "their perception is your reality". Let's say you sell widgets. Your customers become convinced that you widgets have a defect that causes them to break after 2 months of use. You're frustrated because you know via extensive testing that this is a misconception, but it doesn't matter. You need to take whatever reality is (your widgets are fine), and make sure that peoples' perception of your widgets is that they are fine also. People don't make decisions based on objective truths, they make decisions based on their own perceptions, regardless of how faulty those perceptions might be.
speeder 9y ago
I liked the article but it doesn't explain how to start a network... much of its advice is about how to manage an existing one. Examples: it mentions that you should sometimes offer stuff to people you already know, instead of only interacting to ask. But what to do when your network is nonexistent and you have nothing to offer?
- sjg007 9y ago
  Start with your friends in the business and ex colleagues.
- maccard 9y ago
  Are you saying you have no skills or interests or abilities that you could share? And that you don't know any people at any level. Work colleagues, neighbours, people you meet/met in school/college/university. As for "things tovgive". - almost everyone has time, and can talk/be a pair of arms or legs, or can read something or drop something off.
- robertothais 9y ago
  I like to think of networking as being loosely analogous to an optimization process like gradient descent [1]. You start with an initial "guess" of what your optimal network could potentially be. In practice, this will be the people you already know through school, work or through friendships. From there, you follow an iterative process that improves that guess through successive iterations, consistently applying strategies like those described in the article. It's hard to say when this process would "converge", but looking for an answer to that may be straining the analogy. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gradient_descent https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gradient_descent
hellogoodbyeeee 9y ago
Id love some opinions on a couple networking questions I have. I'm looking for a new job currently and I'm trying to be more proactive in networking. Is it presumptuous to cold email somebody and ask them for coffee? I imagine everyone is busy and doesn't have time for coffee with strangers, but I really hate talking on the phone. And if the person I am emailing is someone I want to work for, should I be upfront about looking for a position or should the initial email be more of a request for an informational interview on the industry or company?
- edraferi 9y ago
  Personally, I'm always happy to hear from people who are genuinely looking to learn about my industry, get advice, etc. I'm busy, but coffee is easy, especially when they're willing to come to my location. I'd say it's a "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take" situation. So ask! Given that you've decided to ask, get a warm introduction if at all possible. Get a mutual acquaintance to introduce you, even over email. Don't have a mutual acquaintance? Start with who you know and build your network outwards. Alternatively, reach out in the context of that person's public activity: attend the same Meetup, comment on a blog post, etc. Cold emailing will work best if you have several leads, so you can tolerate a lower success rate.
- jeremyt 9y ago
  Coffee is a lot of trouble. I think you will have more success just emailing a very brief pitch with something more detailed attached.
  - prawn 9y ago
    I'm in this camp too. Always happy to email back with info to help someone, but not always interested enough to want to meet up, or might just be busy. If you give people the option of either, they can choose what suits them best. I also vastly prefer email over calls.
- estsauver 9y ago
  If you're talking to a hiring manager, it's literally their job to hire you. It's probably at least a third of what they're responsible for at their company. You're basically asking them for a "people review" instead of a code review. What you absolutely should do is lay out the basic information quickly and completely for them. """ Hi Name, My name's X and I #{was referred to you by Y, heard about you on Z...} and I'm looking for a $ROLE job. You're interesting because Q. I'm in your area and wondering if you'd be interested in having coffee to talk about the role? I've attached my #{resume, linkedin, github with a note about what project to look at for a code example.} I look forward to hearing from you soon. ~ $NAME $CONTACT_INFO """ That's the information I want to figure out if it's going to be a good use of time or not. You can send me a practice email personally to earl@apolloagriculture.com and I'll give you some feedback, or if you're in Nairobi by some fluke chance we can grab coffee.
netvarun 9y ago
Title is obviously a little click-baity. But I can attest that Chris Fralic practices what he preaches. Back in 2013, yours truly was a fresh college grad, fresh off the boat, to play the SV lottery. He took an hour long meeting with us, and politely declined to invest and explained his reasoning (probably the only VC who did that and which I really appreciated at that time since pretty much everyone else 'let me circle back'-ed out of orbit). He could have cut us of there, but he went the extra mile, got us a couple of passes for us to the ChannelAdvisor conference in Vegas that year - through which we ended up getting a couple of customers!
cortesoft 9y ago
I feel like this piece starts with the assumption that we should WANT to be well connected. Being that well connected, however, doesn't come without costs (in time and effort, mainly). I don't think I want to be this well connected.
- otoburb 9y ago
  Keith Ferrazzi's "Never Eat Alone" compares networks to gardens that must be actively maintained along with attendant and relevant gardening analogies (care/attention, pruning, growing, etc). I read Never Eat Alone about 10 years ago and, similar to yourself, didn't like the idea of maintaining a massive network. But many of these ideas can still be positively (not necessarily profitably) applied to your smaller social graph, resulting in stronger relationships amongst immediate or extended family, and friends you make a conscious effort to stay in touch with.
  - flubert 9y ago
    >Keith Ferrazzi's "Never Eat Alone" compares networks to gardens that must be actively maintained along with attendant and relevant gardening analogies (care/attention, pruning, growing, etc). I wonder how introversion/extroversion fits into the world of "networking theories"? I can certainly see that some people might really enjoy tending that particular garden, and in fact "connecting with people" might be their main source of enjoyment. While to others that seems like endless drudgery.
chromakode 9y ago
https://xkcd.com/1827/ https://xkcd.com/1827/
- tmalsburg2 9y ago
  So any form of advice is now dismissed as just being a sign of survivor bias?
  - bbcbasic 9y ago
    Probably not. Depends on the claim and the logic behind it.
kawera 9y ago
He cites Contactually for managing his network, which seems nice, but it's too expensive for me and I generally prefer self-hosted solutions. Does anyone knows of good alternatives?
- skevvis 9y ago
  Hey there - I'm Zvi, CEO of Contactually. Honestly, if cost is a major factor for you, you can build a spreadsheet tool that can work really well. However, it takes the same discipline that Contactually or any other tool would require - just a bit more time. If you really love self-hosted, SugarCRM is the main open source CRM out there.
  - toomuchtodo 9y ago
    > If you really love self-hosted, SugarCRM is the main open source CRM out there. Sugar has its own problems: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=14181662 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=14181662
  - kawera 9y ago
    Thank you, your service seems great and well worth it's price but I really can't afford $500/y specifically for this right now. So far I've been playing the spreadsheet game but it does take a lot of time - I may eventually write a little django crud/workflow app one of these days... sugar codebase scares me!
    - reid 9y ago
      I am interested in working on an application focused on personal use that can be self-hosted. Using Airtable in the meantime. Agreed that most apps in this space are huge and focused on business and sales. I am more interested in software that helps cultivate personal, offline relationships -- as opposed to ScaleMail and such.
      - pdimitar 9y ago
        What feature would win you over for such an app? For me it would probably be the app proactively reminding me "hey, you marked this person as important but haven't contacted them for a month". Even if this can become a bit annoying it still keeps you in the loop and puts a thought at the back of your head. <insert it's something meme here> Another one would probably be the app automatically stalking the person and informing you if they're about to participate in an event where a keyword / tag matches your interests. (That sounds pretty tough to do however.)
Matetricks 9y ago
Chris is an amazing person who takes the time to get to know you. When we were fundraising, instead of having us do a regular pitch he took me to an event where Peter Thiel was giving a talk about his new book. We were a chess education company, so he thought it would be good for us to talk with Thiel as he's a chess master himself. He didn't end up investing in us but my experience with him was much more memorable than any of the other meetings we had while fundraising.
- gertef 9y ago
  How much funding did you seek for a chess education company?
  - Matetricks 9y ago
    It was called Chesscademy and we were raising $750k. We were tackling the adaptive learning problem by creating tailored curricula. The plan was to move outside of chess to other subjects as we grew, but we found monetization to be very difficult.
j_s 9y ago
The the tech realm: drink coffee and/or alchohol (much more effective). It's getting better but these are often prerequisites to spending time with people outside of work. Edit: I agree with a lot of this discussion: Do startups have a drinking problem? | https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=11723133 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=11723133
- exolymph 9y ago
  Cafes and bars do sell other beverages. Drink juice, or soda, or sparkling water. Order a virgin cocktail.
  - brandnewlow 9y ago
    I try to take meetings at Samovar Tea Lounge in SF when possible. Tea is less punishing.
AndrewKemendo 9y ago
This whole thing has a huge assumption behind it: That you're someone worth being connected to. His distinction between the Hunted and the Hunters is great, but 99% of people don't fall into the "Hunted" category unless they are doing something exceptional - and even those doing something exceptional aren't typically hunted. So while I think this is a good list, and it's pretty bog standard Carnegie/How to read people/HUMINT etc..., the most important thing you can do to become well connected is to be doing something that is worth connecting to.
- drvdevd 9y ago
  I think there is also of course the distinction of the known VS unknown person doing something worth connecting to. Lots of people who are doing things that probably are not worth much consideration are simply good at selling themselves as something greater and vice versa. So if you believe you are doing something worth connecting to, you better be ready to sell yourself as well. Or risk drowning in the noise. FULL DISCLOSURE: I'm neither well-connected nor currently doing much worth connecting to :)
  - AndrewKemendo 9y ago
    That's the point here. There are a lot of people out there applying these principals who don't really do shit, but by god they are "well connected." You see them at all these entrepreneur events and all they do is waste everyone's time with their bullshit. In the end it doesn't matter how well connected they are because they have no vector and no capabilities. These are the guys who consistently tell you how they are incidentally connected to someone who has actually done something - why? because that's all they know how to do. Worthless. On the flip side there are the brilliant people out there who have done something notable but haven't made anything of it or made any connections because they see the guy from the first paragraph and recoil in horror. That's who I think this article is probably for. Not sure how to reach those folks practically though.
    - deleted 9y ago
      [deleted]
ryandrake 9y ago
I consider myself reasonably outgoing, but I've always viewed "networking" as kind of slimy and insincere. At a fundamental level, population A has little to offer / little power and population B has a lot, and networking is the set of personal interactions that population A employs in order to have a shot at interacting/transacting with population B. The "hunter/hunted" relationship mentioned in this article is a key differentiator between networking and other forms of human interaction. All of the various tactics described in this article and others about effective networking just seem to boil down to pretty abstractions on top of that crass business logic. Convey genuine appreciation, listen with intent, blah blah blah--everyone doing the dance knows what the music is all about. Nobody is fooling anyone. Networking is definitely a skill, I'll give you that, but it has the sincerity of a sales pitch.
- hueving 9y ago
  >Networking is definitely a skill, I'll give you that, but it has the sincerity of a sales pitch. I mostly agree but there are two different kinds of networking. The kind you are referring to is what I like to call "ball gargling". This is when someone is just trying to pitch how relevant they are to someone who doesn't really care so all kinds of lame sales tactics have to be used to keep interest. Then there is networking with peers, which can be a pretty enjoyable experience. For example, meeting other researchers at an academic conference or meeting other developers at industry conferences. These connections might not provide an immediate return on investment, but they certainly seem to last longer and have proven to be immensely useful years down the road (at least anecdotally for me).
- BatFastard 9y ago
  His whole point is the only "bad" networking has no sincerity. In "Good" networking you have to sincerely want to make a real connection to the other person. Its not just a does this person help me, its a how can I help this person.
- mncharity 9y ago
  Here's an approach you might like. Let's say you go to a tech meetup. Because of the abysmal state of social augmentation tech, there are likely many people there who could have a good conversation, but won't. Either because they never run into each other, or they talk without knowing they have some common interest. You're in a position to help them. Assuming you're interested in people anyway, it's little extra work to explore what they're interested in, what difficulties they're encountering, and what they're looking for. And given that the population of such meetups are already filtered for common interests, my experience is you quickly hit "You know, I was talking with someone earlier who <matching interest>. Maybe you'd like to chat with them? Let's see, where... ah, over there, black shirt." No long-term state. No wrestling with wretched CRM systems. Just interesting conversations, and knowing people likely had better outcomes because you were there. And if you wish to, you also get lots of opportunity to help people towards greater clarity about what they want. "As I talk with people, sometimes I notice they're interested in the same thing, and I try to point them at each other. But I'm a little unclear on <some unclear aspect of what the person wants>." I don't always do it. But for me, I find it makes many meetups more interesting.
kordless 9y ago
> How to Become Well-Connected > “If you find yourself keeping score in your professional relationships, you’re on the wrong track.” Being "well connected" is an objective here, given it's lead by "how to". That intent leads to keeping score, so it's less than obvious how to resolve becoming well connected without keeping score. Not giving a shit about what others think is the SECOND step to the enlightenment. The FIRST step is letting go of self judgment. Accepting self first allows one to realize that speaking for other's intent, even if they are blaming, may originate from their own self-judgements. I no longer give a shit what anyone thinks about what I say because I realize I can only speak for my own choices and not others, not because I don't have empathy for other's thoughts. That's not to say I've perfected this technique however, I frequently catch myself blaming others when blame is going around. I can only set intent to become better myself. Others have the choice of doing the same, or not.
- maccard 9y ago
  > I no longer give a shit what anyone thinks about what I say I don't agree. I think it's important to take into account what other people think, otherwise you're saying "I'm an ass, deal with it". However, It's important to say what you mean, even if you know the person you are speaking to doesn't agree.
  - kordless 9y ago
    Trimming someone's comment to suit a desired reply is akin to speaking for someone. Read the comment again. Empathy for others is included. Accepting blame (giving a shit) is not.
  - kordless 9y ago
    Trimming someone's comment to suit a desired reply is akin to speaking for someone. Read the comment again. Empathy for others is included. Accepting blame (giving a shit) is not.
- sbierwagen 9y ago
  I no longer give a shit what anyone thinks about what I say Why are you posting here then?
josh_carterPDX 9y ago
Sigh. Not a big fan of articles like these because it's different for everyone and there are a lot of variables that can make this a success or failure. There is not a play book for how to connect with people other than just not being a complete dick. There. I just gave you an awesome tip. Don't be a dick and people will want to talk to you. Be authentic. Not sure why people feel the need to write an article that serves as a reminder on how you can connect with people on a "real" level.
caseysoftware 9y ago
As a developer evangelist for years, I've found the most important question to ask people is also the simplest: "What are you working on right now?" Some people will talk about their job, their side project, their hobby, their kids, or whatever. And you can see their passion and what excites them. If you know something about the topic and can ask an intelligent question or two, even better.
CPLX 9y ago
Regardless of the other merits of the linked content, and the odd prevalence of these painfully content-free and fluffy First Round Review pieces on the HN front page, I think we can all agree that there is simply no such thing as a "landmark Forbes piece on nailing email introductions".
SandersAK 9y ago
I wish articles like this would start with "hey, i come from a place of extreme privilege, and assuming you're in the same boat, here's what i did and it worked out ok for me given the amount of resources i had to take the risks i did." Instead, it gets treated as a sort of recipe which further exacerbates the problem of selection bias and network bias. A lot of this type of thinking is shielded by the immense wealth and agency that the kingmakers have. But the reality is that these types of networks are fraught with horse-traders and backchannel power exchanges. I'm not hating though, I understand the game plays out like that. But if you're not cultivating a community of real people connected to you, you'll get chewed up.
- erikb 9y ago
  Why? Sending emails from time to time checking in with people is not something you can only do coming from privilege. Looking for something small you can offer others as a "nice to meet you" present is also not something you need privilege for (It's just easier with than without). A friend of mine regularly baked cookies and brought them to office. Will never forget that colleague.
  - inimino 9y ago
    I believe the thesis of the OP isn't that only privileged people can bake cookies. It's that baking cookies is not enough, and the factors not under your control also influence the outcome.
- brentm 9y ago
  > I wish articles like this would start with "hey, i come from a place of extreme privilege, and assuming you're in the same boat, here's what i did and it worked out ok for me given the amount of resources i had to take the risks i did." I under your general sentiment but if you look at his Linked In (https://www.linkedin.com/in/chrisfralic/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/chrisfralic/) it seems to me that he worked himself into his current position slowly over the years. There are twelve years between when he graduated undergrad and where the article begins. Point being that everyone has an opportunity to work hard, put themselves in the right situations and eventually earn the right to be in a "place of privilege".
gh1 9y ago
I wanted to ask an open ended question : how important do you think it is to be well-connected? I am sure if someone spent a lot of time going to plenty of networking events and put serious effort into talking with people, then they could grow their network pretty fast. But every minute spent in networking is a minute not spent in doing something else. So how do you set your priorities?
- kyleschiller 9y ago
  It really depends on what you want to accomplish, if you're an engineer, love your job and would be happy doing it for the next 4 years, there's probably not too much to gain. If you're an investor, your network is everything.
  - gh1 9y ago
    Yes, agreed. But I guess an engineer would want to make career progress too, right? Isn't it smart to be networked to ensure that you are at the forefront of opportunity? As an aside, I was in the academia previously and it seems that networking is highly correlated with success there.
    - pdimitar 9y ago
      This struck a nerve in me. What I found to be true over 15 years of a programmer carreer is that you can grow in your current job, but not by much. There exists some kind of psychological barrier for the people above you and they find all sorts of ways to put you down. Maybe it's just the money; who wants to spend more without knowing beforehand if they'll get more value? So I'd say for a tech worker networking becomes extremely important if they are looking to move to a next step in their carreer, be it in terms of responsibility, money, new sub-area of work, or a mix of all.
a_d 9y ago
There are many great points being made in the article, and in the comments - esp the comment about how this is a rehash of wisdom from Dale Carnegie. I believe these kinds of posts need to have a corollary for introverts - folks that are shyer, more reluctant/reflective (thoughtful, perhaps), aren't great at small talk and find the prospect of starting a conversation intimidating. While I am naturally skeptical of any kind of 'people categorization' - I do think there are folks who find "networking" daunting. So, what should they do? I think the first step is to acknowledge the importance of a good network of people that you can talk to - it is often a powerful source of diverse ideas (outside of your own bubble), mentorship, collaboration and even friendship. The reason I say this is because it is often easy to dismiss "networking" as something frivolous (it doesn't help sometimes when certain people hijack this word to mean lots of low-quality connections) or not-for-me or 'I am just happy doing my own thing' etc. I think a discussion about how networking helps us in various facets of life is important. I'd love to hear positive examples from others in this area. The second step is to work towards a realization that most of the qualities that introverts likely possess - like "listening well" - are key to this "networking-thing". So you already possess a lot of the raw ingredients that are needed to have a good network of people. The third step is to really value diversity - of ideas/opinions, knowledge and competence (e.g. "engineering" sometimes have reluctance in appreciating "sales"). Groups, companies, teams thrive when there is real diversity. This should make you want to talk to others who are doing different things in different domains (or same things as you, but differently) And finally, realize that (and several folks points this out in the comments) it is not about "tricks" - i.e. don't lose your authentic self. But try to distil the "tricks" into more basic human tenets - e.g. if you are a curious individual genuinely interesting in learning more about technology (say), then "Convey genuine appreciation" isn't something you would need to fake. The longer I work and observe other folks doing interesting things, the more I find that networking is a useful (even powerful) thing -- and I say this as an introvert and someone not proficient at networking (have a very small group of close friends). I often think "wouldn't it be cool to learn more about what this person is doing" or even "how did they do that!?", and lately (gradually) started acting on that impulse and wrote to some of those folks (that I wish to know and learn from). To my surprise, it was very rewarding. I met some very knowledgeable and interesting people -- even some that I learned from a lot. Just having a bunch of people that I can discuss different topics with - related to software, scaling, operations (or life in general!) has been rewarding. Most of what I say here is obvious, but I just wanted to share this because I struggled (and continue to) with this whole "networking-thing". :)
venture_lol 9y ago
Come on HN and announce you are looking to drop some 50-100K seeds on 5 projects Be ready to be hunted :)
theprop 9y ago
TL:DR --> mostly email advice. Keep emails short. To the point. "no need to respond" is powerful. Follow up on whatever you say you will. Offer something before you ask for something.
- ignawin 9y ago
  How exactly is "no need to respond" powerful? Are you getting higher response rate just because of this sentence?
bluker 9y ago
There are two things that I've always found that will immediately engage people and make a lasting impression. 1. How did you become who you are? People work hard to where they're at and they rarely get to tell their story - so I found that engaging them on this level allows them to reminisce a little bit about where they came from and most people will light right up. 2. Write hand-written notes. This is a lost art and Brian Chesky talks about how he learned from George Tenet the value of writing hand-written notes. http://fortune.com/brian-chesky-airbnb/ http://fortune.com/brian-chesky-airbnb/
hestefisk 9y ago
So full of clichés - blue sky brainstorm. What does it even mean? You don't need years of VC experience to know all of this is common sense.
citizens 9y ago
I met Chris during an Uber Pitch ride a few months back and just meeting him was a remarkable experience. Looking back, in the course of conversation he did use these "7 Rules for Making Memorable Connections" and they worked.
mrmrcoleman 9y ago
Grade A bellendery. There are so many holes in this I don't even know where to start.
traviswingo 9y ago
This reminds me of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Absolutely one of the best books to read if you're looking to improve your social skills.
known 9y ago
Traditionally it has been politics and religion
fgvvbbb 9y ago
Nice
jg2009 9y ago
How?
amitmgr 9y ago
To well connect one need to focus on people they like due to their extra traits other than qualities and knowledge.

573 points by rchen8 9y ago

Dale Carnegie 101 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influen...

jobu 9y ago
Yep, this article is a re-hash of what Dale Carnegie started teaching over 100 years ago. My main takeaway from that class was to ask enough questions when I meet someone so that I can to steer the conversation toward a mutual interest. After that the personal connection is made and conversation is fun and easy. The best way to make an impression on someone is to ask questions about them until you find some
- mindcrime 9y ago
  The best way to make an impression on someone is to ask questions about them until you find some Yes, but you have to be careful or you can make the person feel like they are being interrogated. Maybe not quite to the level of shining a bright light in their face and asking "where were you at 8:00pm on the night of January 23rd", but still, an endless stream of questions - done poorly - can make people feel uncomfortable even if it is true that "people love talking about themselves". You may laugh at this, but some of the best advice I've heard on this subject came from Kezia Noble, a lady who teaches "pickup artist" material. Except... she bills herself as part of that world, but in reality her material is just general conversation skills which can be applied in pretty much any context. I don't feel like trying to type up a complete rehash / summary of her technique here, but a big part of it involves distinguishing between "high value" answers to questions, and "low value" answers, and figuring out how to branch off from the high value answers in a way that keeps the other person engaged. There's also an element about making statements instead of just asking questions, etc. Just to illustrate, here's a really made up example of how this might go: You: "So, where did you go to school?" Them: "Berkeley" (reasonably high value answer, but what to do with it??) You: "Oh. So... what did you major in?" Them: "Economics." (again, good answer, but can you do something with it?) You: "Oh. Ah. Cool. So you must like math, huh?" Them: "no". ("yes", "no", etc. are usually low value answers that don't lead naturally to anything else) You: "Oh. Right. SO, um... do you like fishing?" Them: "What? No. What is this, an interview?" --------- On the other hand, here's how it could go: You: "So, where did you go to school?" Them: "Berkeley" You: "Nice. Why did you pick Berkeley?" Them: "Well, it has a reputation for great academics and a tradition of activism." You: "Oh, yeah. My school ($WHATEVER) had a great academics as well, but not much activism." (statement instead of a question) Them: "Activism is really important to me, especially around climate change. I wouldn't have gone to a school that didn't have that aspect." You: "Cool. So what did you major in?" Them: "Economics." You: "Ah... so what's the connection between economics and climate change?" -------- Anyway, you can kind of see the pattern. Elicit more complex responses, make statements, lead off of their complex answers, don't just suddenly branch off to something unrelated, etc.
  - coldtea 9y ago
    >Them: "Activism is really important to me, especially around climate change. I wouldn't have gone to a school that didn't have that aspect." Off topic, but this is so cringe-worthy...
    - SomeStupidPoint 9y ago
      ...Why? I'm actually genuinely curious why you feel that way, assuming the person is sincere.
      - hueving 9y ago
        If you care about climate change, having protects in one of the biggest echo chambers in the US university system is about the least effective thing you can do. It's also completely unrelated to the quality of education you will get so it's stupid to tie your school selection to that. It's like choosing a campus based on one with the most red-colored buildings.
        SomeStupidPoint 9y ago
        Two points: 1. I parsed the statement slightly differently, in that having a campus full of activism was important, not specifically climate change. 2. Activism requires learning and networking, so it makes sense that if you want to learn that skill and form a network fresh out of high school, you would go somewhere there's an established network to join and many mentors to be found. It's much more like choosing a school because their alumni organization has connections you're interested in or has business ties to an industry you want to get in to or has a famous athletics program or any of the not-strictly-academic reasons that make sense from a career development perspective. If the person seriously wants to be an activist, even in a non-professional capacity, it makes sense to go somewhere they develop that part of you (even if they don't have the best academics). It's nothing like choosing one based on red building count.
      - coldtea 9y ago
        For one, because where you go to college and whether the school has some student level "activism" about climate change has zero (or even negative) impact on actual climate change.
- cookiecaper 9y ago
  Carnegie's book boils down to one important principle, which he mentions but doesn't necessarily emphasize. The key to winning friends and influencing people: make them feel important. The rest of it is details, and probably details you've heard a lot before, since the culture has had a long time to internalize HTWFAIP (still a good read). Our egos drive our behavior. The best way to boil Carnegie down is to always ask "Is the person's sense of importance going to be flattered or offended by this? How can I phrase it in a way that will at least not offend their importance, if I can't flatter it?" This was a really good handle for me because I do believe that everyone is [potentially] important, and it makes sense to me that we should respect that fact in all interactions. It makes sense that people would avoid those who damage their own sense of self-importance, which they have every right to have. This realization took away a lot of the reticence I felt around hand-crafted social experiences. It doesn't really require you to be untruthful in any way, or prevent you from getting your point across; it just gives a good guideline for how to do so sensitively. Don't know if it will click for anyone else, but that's what did it for me.
  - scandinavegan 9y ago
    Thanks for the summary. I haven't read the book yet, but I'll have to sometime. It's interesting that on one side you have Carnegie's "make them feel important to make them interested in you" and on the other side you have the pick-up artists' (I'm not defending them) "neg them to make them interested in you". In one variant you lift the other person up and in the other you push them down, both with the idea of wanting them to talk to you more. I've heard that men that tease each other (in one sense making them feel less important) in groups do it as a bonding experience, because the fact that you can tease the other person without them punching you is a sign that you're members of the same group. On the other hand, gently teasing someone in a group can make them feel more important as well, since you're suggesting that they're important enough to deserve being teased. With Carnegie on one side and the pick-up artists on the other, I'll obviously side with Carnegie's more positive view of human interactions. It also fits well with a tenet in improvisational theater that you should always make the other actor look good. You both benefit from that, especially if they do the same to you. If you make them look good, the audience thinks you're both good, and the other actor will want to play more scenes with you. It seems like an obvious suggestion, but what it does is it shifts your focus from what you can do to look good yourself to what you can do to make the other person look good, which is often a lot easier anyway. It takes you out of your own head and makes you more attentive and focused on the other person, so that you can respond to and amplify the good thing they do.
Balgair 9y ago
Yes! To HNers out there that are put off by the title of the book, Please do not judge a book by it's cover! 'How to Win Friends...' is a classic book with real, gritty, and practical advice that really does help. If you have not yet read it, do yourself a favor, swallow the bitter pill that is the title, and read it this weekend. Almost no other book is better at helping you learn how to 'network' than this one (though if you know of a better one, please leave a comment!)
- nickpsecurity 9y ago
  It's so good that managers in many companies mandate that managers or support people read it. Another I liked was Lifetime Conversation Guide.
- perlgeek 9y ago
  Agreed. The "influence people" part of the title really rubbed me the wrong way. But after reading it, it's not at all about manipulating people. It could just as well be titled "How to be a pleasant human being", because that's what it's mostly about -- along with many anecdotes illustrating the positive consequence of behaving pleasantly and respectfully.
- Taylor_OD 9y ago
  Better yet grab the audio book. It's not one of those books that is read for it's beautiful prose its read for its content. Perfect for listening when you have 15-25 minutes free.

Arqu 9y ago

This got to be the worst choice of colors for mobile I've seen in a long time. Can barely read it at max brightness.

Arqu 9y ago
Actually seems just that some css didn't load properly.

pdog 9y ago

These are good techniques for working a network but you'll need better advice than "be human" if you want to be influential. Networking is overrated. Figure out what you're good at and make sure people hear about it. The network will take care of itself.

edraferi 9y ago
Excellent book on this topic is "So Good They Can't Ignore You" by Cal Newport https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0076DDBJ6 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0076DDBJ6
robertothais 9y ago
The "make sure people hear about it" part is non-trivial, and assumes that you already have a minimal audience that cares about your work. In other words, you're already networking when you're trying to get people to pay attention to you. The article provides a set of practical lessons intended to help you with that.
gertef 9y ago
> "be human" "The key is authenticity. If you can fake that, you can acheive anything."
- toomuchtodo 9y ago
  From John Oliver's piece on Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner the other night: Oliver then cited Ivanka’s 2009 book, The Trump Card: Playing to Win in Work and Life, in which she wrote: “Perception is more important than reality. If someone perceives something to be true, it is more important than if it is in fact true. This doesn’t mean you should be duplicitous or deceitful, but don’t go out of your way to correct a false assumption if it plays to your advantage.”
  - blhack 9y ago
    I feel like that quote is being taken somewhat out of context; she's basically repeating an extremely common "business-ism": "their perception is your reality". Let's say you sell widgets. Your customers become convinced that you widgets have a defect that causes them to break after 2 months of use. You're frustrated because you know via extensive testing that this is a misconception, but it doesn't matter. You need to take whatever reality is (your widgets are fine), and make sure that peoples' perception of your widgets is that they are fine also. People don't make decisions based on objective truths, they make decisions based on their own perceptions, regardless of how faulty those perceptions might be.

speeder 9y ago

I liked the article but it doesn't explain how to start a network... much of its advice is about how to manage an existing one. Examples: it mentions that you should sometimes offer stuff to people you already know, instead of only interacting to ask. But what to do when your network is nonexistent and you have nothing to offer?

sjg007 9y ago
Start with your friends in the business and ex colleagues.
maccard 9y ago
Are you saying you have no skills or interests or abilities that you could share? And that you don't know any people at any level. Work colleagues, neighbours, people you meet/met in school/college/university. As for "things tovgive". - almost everyone has time, and can talk/be a pair of arms or legs, or can read something or drop something off.
robertothais 9y ago
I like to think of networking as being loosely analogous to an optimization process like gradient descent [1]. You start with an initial "guess" of what your optimal network could potentially be. In practice, this will be the people you already know through school, work or through friendships. From there, you follow an iterative process that improves that guess through successive iterations, consistently applying strategies like those described in the article. It's hard to say when this process would "converge", but looking for an answer to that may be straining the analogy. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gradient_descent https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gradient_descent

hellogoodbyeeee 9y ago

Id love some opinions on a couple networking questions I have. I'm looking for a new job currently and I'm trying to be more proactive in networking. Is it presumptuous to cold email somebody and ask them for coffee? I imagine everyone is busy and doesn't have time for coffee with strangers, but I really hate talking on the phone. And if the person I am emailing is someone I want to work for, should I be upfront about looking for a position or should the initial email be more of a request for an informational interview on the industry or company?

edraferi 9y ago
Personally, I'm always happy to hear from people who are genuinely looking to learn about my industry, get advice, etc. I'm busy, but coffee is easy, especially when they're willing to come to my location. I'd say it's a "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take" situation. So ask! Given that you've decided to ask, get a warm introduction if at all possible. Get a mutual acquaintance to introduce you, even over email. Don't have a mutual acquaintance? Start with who you know and build your network outwards. Alternatively, reach out in the context of that person's public activity: attend the same Meetup, comment on a blog post, etc. Cold emailing will work best if you have several leads, so you can tolerate a lower success rate.
jeremyt 9y ago
Coffee is a lot of trouble. I think you will have more success just emailing a very brief pitch with something more detailed attached.
- prawn 9y ago
  I'm in this camp too. Always happy to email back with info to help someone, but not always interested enough to want to meet up, or might just be busy. If you give people the option of either, they can choose what suits them best. I also vastly prefer email over calls.
estsauver 9y ago
If you're talking to a hiring manager, it's literally their job to hire you. It's probably at least a third of what they're responsible for at their company. You're basically asking them for a "people review" instead of a code review. What you absolutely should do is lay out the basic information quickly and completely for them. """ Hi Name, My name's X and I #{was referred to you by Y, heard about you on Z...} and I'm looking for a $ROLE job. You're interesting because Q. I'm in your area and wondering if you'd be interested in having coffee to talk about the role? I've attached my #{resume, linkedin, github with a note about what project to look at for a code example.} I look forward to hearing from you soon. ~ $NAME $CONTACT_INFO """ That's the information I want to figure out if it's going to be a good use of time or not. You can send me a practice email personally to earl@apolloagriculture.com and I'll give you some feedback, or if you're in Nairobi by some fluke chance we can grab coffee.

netvarun 9y ago

Title is obviously a little click-baity. But I can attest that Chris Fralic practices what he preaches. Back in 2013, yours truly was a fresh college grad, fresh off the boat, to play the SV lottery. He took an hour long meeting with us, and politely declined to invest and explained his reasoning (probably the only VC who did that and which I really appreciated at that time since pretty much everyone else 'let me circle back'-ed out of orbit). He could have cut us of there, but he went the extra mile, got us a couple of passes for us to the ChannelAdvisor conference in Vegas that year - through which we ended up getting a couple of customers!

cortesoft 9y ago

I feel like this piece starts with the assumption that we should WANT to be well connected. Being that well connected, however, doesn't come without costs (in time and effort, mainly). I don't think I want to be this well connected.

otoburb 9y ago
Keith Ferrazzi's "Never Eat Alone" compares networks to gardens that must be actively maintained along with attendant and relevant gardening analogies (care/attention, pruning, growing, etc). I read Never Eat Alone about 10 years ago and, similar to yourself, didn't like the idea of maintaining a massive network. But many of these ideas can still be positively (not necessarily profitably) applied to your smaller social graph, resulting in stronger relationships amongst immediate or extended family, and friends you make a conscious effort to stay in touch with.
- flubert 9y ago
  >Keith Ferrazzi's "Never Eat Alone" compares networks to gardens that must be actively maintained along with attendant and relevant gardening analogies (care/attention, pruning, growing, etc). I wonder how introversion/extroversion fits into the world of "networking theories"? I can certainly see that some people might really enjoy tending that particular garden, and in fact "connecting with people" might be their main source of enjoyment. While to others that seems like endless drudgery.

chromakode 9y ago

https://xkcd.com/1827/ https://xkcd.com/1827/

tmalsburg2 9y ago
So any form of advice is now dismissed as just being a sign of survivor bias?
- bbcbasic 9y ago
  Probably not. Depends on the claim and the logic behind it.

kawera 9y ago

He cites Contactually for managing his network, which seems nice, but it's too expensive for me and I generally prefer self-hosted solutions. Does anyone knows of good alternatives?

skevvis 9y ago
Hey there - I'm Zvi, CEO of Contactually. Honestly, if cost is a major factor for you, you can build a spreadsheet tool that can work really well. However, it takes the same discipline that Contactually or any other tool would require - just a bit more time. If you really love self-hosted, SugarCRM is the main open source CRM out there.
- toomuchtodo 9y ago
  > If you really love self-hosted, SugarCRM is the main open source CRM out there. Sugar has its own problems: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=14181662 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=14181662
- kawera 9y ago
  Thank you, your service seems great and well worth it's price but I really can't afford $500/y specifically for this right now. So far I've been playing the spreadsheet game but it does take a lot of time - I may eventually write a little django crud/workflow app one of these days... sugar codebase scares me!
  - reid 9y ago
    I am interested in working on an application focused on personal use that can be self-hosted. Using Airtable in the meantime. Agreed that most apps in this space are huge and focused on business and sales. I am more interested in software that helps cultivate personal, offline relationships -- as opposed to ScaleMail and such.
    - pdimitar 9y ago
      What feature would win you over for such an app? For me it would probably be the app proactively reminding me "hey, you marked this person as important but haven't contacted them for a month". Even if this can become a bit annoying it still keeps you in the loop and puts a thought at the back of your head. <insert it's something meme here> Another one would probably be the app automatically stalking the person and informing you if they're about to participate in an event where a keyword / tag matches your interests. (That sounds pretty tough to do however.)

Matetricks 9y ago

Chris is an amazing person who takes the time to get to know you. When we were fundraising, instead of having us do a regular pitch he took me to an event where Peter Thiel was giving a talk about his new book. We were a chess education company, so he thought it would be good for us to talk with Thiel as he's a chess master himself. He didn't end up investing in us but my experience with him was much more memorable than any of the other meetings we had while fundraising.

gertef 9y ago
How much funding did you seek for a chess education company?
- Matetricks 9y ago
  It was called Chesscademy and we were raising $750k. We were tackling the adaptive learning problem by creating tailored curricula. The plan was to move outside of chess to other subjects as we grew, but we found monetization to be very difficult.

j_s 9y ago

The the tech realm: drink coffee and/or alchohol (much more effective). It's getting better but these are often prerequisites to spending time with people outside of work. Edit: I agree with a lot of this discussion: Do startups have a drinking problem? | https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=11723133 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=11723133

exolymph 9y ago
Cafes and bars do sell other beverages. Drink juice, or soda, or sparkling water. Order a virgin cocktail.
- brandnewlow 9y ago
  I try to take meetings at Samovar Tea Lounge in SF when possible. Tea is less punishing.

AndrewKemendo 9y ago

This whole thing has a huge assumption behind it: That you're someone worth being connected to. His distinction between the Hunted and the Hunters is great, but 99% of people don't fall into the "Hunted" category unless they are doing something exceptional - and even those doing something exceptional aren't typically hunted. So while I think this is a good list, and it's pretty bog standard Carnegie/How to read people/HUMINT etc..., the most important thing you can do to become well connected is to be doing something that is worth connecting to.

drvdevd 9y ago
I think there is also of course the distinction of the known VS unknown person doing something worth connecting to. Lots of people who are doing things that probably are not worth much consideration are simply good at selling themselves as something greater and vice versa. So if you believe you are doing something worth connecting to, you better be ready to sell yourself as well. Or risk drowning in the noise. FULL DISCLOSURE: I'm neither well-connected nor currently doing much worth connecting to :)
- AndrewKemendo 9y ago
  That's the point here. There are a lot of people out there applying these principals who don't really do shit, but by god they are "well connected." You see them at all these entrepreneur events and all they do is waste everyone's time with their bullshit. In the end it doesn't matter how well connected they are because they have no vector and no capabilities. These are the guys who consistently tell you how they are incidentally connected to someone who has actually done something - why? because that's all they know how to do. Worthless. On the flip side there are the brilliant people out there who have done something notable but haven't made anything of it or made any connections because they see the guy from the first paragraph and recoil in horror. That's who I think this article is probably for. Not sure how to reach those folks practically though.
  - deleted 9y ago
    [deleted]

ryandrake 9y ago

I consider myself reasonably outgoing, but I've always viewed "networking" as kind of slimy and insincere. At a fundamental level, population A has little to offer / little power and population B has a lot, and networking is the set of personal interactions that population A employs in order to have a shot at interacting/transacting with population B. The "hunter/hunted" relationship mentioned in this article is a key differentiator between networking and other forms of human interaction. All of the various tactics described in this article and others about effective networking just seem to boil down to pretty abstractions on top of that crass business logic. Convey genuine appreciation, listen with intent, blah blah blah--everyone doing the dance knows what the music is all about. Nobody is fooling anyone. Networking is definitely a skill, I'll give you that, but it has the sincerity of a sales pitch.

hueving 9y ago
>Networking is definitely a skill, I'll give you that, but it has the sincerity of a sales pitch. I mostly agree but there are two different kinds of networking. The kind you are referring to is what I like to call "ball gargling". This is when someone is just trying to pitch how relevant they are to someone who doesn't really care so all kinds of lame sales tactics have to be used to keep interest. Then there is networking with peers, which can be a pretty enjoyable experience. For example, meeting other researchers at an academic conference or meeting other developers at industry conferences. These connections might not provide an immediate return on investment, but they certainly seem to last longer and have proven to be immensely useful years down the road (at least anecdotally for me).
BatFastard 9y ago
His whole point is the only "bad" networking has no sincerity. In "Good" networking you have to sincerely want to make a real connection to the other person. Its not just a does this person help me, its a how can I help this person.
mncharity 9y ago
Here's an approach you might like. Let's say you go to a tech meetup. Because of the abysmal state of social augmentation tech, there are likely many people there who could have a good conversation, but won't. Either because they never run into each other, or they talk without knowing they have some common interest. You're in a position to help them. Assuming you're interested in people anyway, it's little extra work to explore what they're interested in, what difficulties they're encountering, and what they're looking for. And given that the population of such meetups are already filtered for common interests, my experience is you quickly hit "You know, I was talking with someone earlier who <matching interest>. Maybe you'd like to chat with them? Let's see, where... ah, over there, black shirt." No long-term state. No wrestling with wretched CRM systems. Just interesting conversations, and knowing people likely had better outcomes because you were there. And if you wish to, you also get lots of opportunity to help people towards greater clarity about what they want. "As I talk with people, sometimes I notice they're interested in the same thing, and I try to point them at each other. But I'm a little unclear on <some unclear aspect of what the person wants>." I don't always do it. But for me, I find it makes many meetups more interesting.

kordless 9y ago

> How to Become Well-Connected > “If you find yourself keeping score in your professional relationships, you’re on the wrong track.” Being "well connected" is an objective here, given it's lead by "how to". That intent leads to keeping score, so it's less than obvious how to resolve becoming well connected without keeping score. Not giving a shit about what others think is the SECOND step to the enlightenment. The FIRST step is letting go of self judgment. Accepting self first allows one to realize that speaking for other's intent, even if they are blaming, may originate from their own self-judgements. I no longer give a shit what anyone thinks about what I say because I realize I can only speak for my own choices and not others, not because I don't have empathy for other's thoughts. That's not to say I've perfected this technique however, I frequently catch myself blaming others when blame is going around. I can only set intent to become better myself. Others have the choice of doing the same, or not.

maccard 9y ago
> I no longer give a shit what anyone thinks about what I say I don't agree. I think it's important to take into account what other people think, otherwise you're saying "I'm an ass, deal with it". However, It's important to say what you mean, even if you know the person you are speaking to doesn't agree.
- kordless 9y ago
  Trimming someone's comment to suit a desired reply is akin to speaking for someone. Read the comment again. Empathy for others is included. Accepting blame (giving a shit) is not.
- kordless 9y ago
  Trimming someone's comment to suit a desired reply is akin to speaking for someone. Read the comment again. Empathy for others is included. Accepting blame (giving a shit) is not.
sbierwagen 9y ago
I no longer give a shit what anyone thinks about what I say Why are you posting here then?

josh_carterPDX 9y ago

Sigh. Not a big fan of articles like these because it's different for everyone and there are a lot of variables that can make this a success or failure. There is not a play book for how to connect with people other than just not being a complete dick. There. I just gave you an awesome tip. Don't be a dick and people will want to talk to you. Be authentic. Not sure why people feel the need to write an article that serves as a reminder on how you can connect with people on a "real" level.

caseysoftware 9y ago

As a developer evangelist for years, I've found the most important question to ask people is also the simplest: "What are you working on right now?" Some people will talk about their job, their side project, their hobby, their kids, or whatever. And you can see their passion and what excites them. If you know something about the topic and can ask an intelligent question or two, even better.

CPLX 9y ago

Regardless of the other merits of the linked content, and the odd prevalence of these painfully content-free and fluffy First Round Review pieces on the HN front page, I think we can all agree that there is simply no such thing as a "landmark Forbes piece on nailing email introductions".

SandersAK 9y ago

I wish articles like this would start with "hey, i come from a place of extreme privilege, and assuming you're in the same boat, here's what i did and it worked out ok for me given the amount of resources i had to take the risks i did." Instead, it gets treated as a sort of recipe which further exacerbates the problem of selection bias and network bias. A lot of this type of thinking is shielded by the immense wealth and agency that the kingmakers have. But the reality is that these types of networks are fraught with horse-traders and backchannel power exchanges. I'm not hating though, I understand the game plays out like that. But if you're not cultivating a community of real people connected to you, you'll get chewed up.

erikb 9y ago
Why? Sending emails from time to time checking in with people is not something you can only do coming from privilege. Looking for something small you can offer others as a "nice to meet you" present is also not something you need privilege for (It's just easier with than without). A friend of mine regularly baked cookies and brought them to office. Will never forget that colleague.
- inimino 9y ago
  I believe the thesis of the OP isn't that only privileged people can bake cookies. It's that baking cookies is not enough, and the factors not under your control also influence the outcome.
brentm 9y ago
> I wish articles like this would start with "hey, i come from a place of extreme privilege, and assuming you're in the same boat, here's what i did and it worked out ok for me given the amount of resources i had to take the risks i did." I under your general sentiment but if you look at his Linked In (https://www.linkedin.com/in/chrisfralic/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/chrisfralic/) it seems to me that he worked himself into his current position slowly over the years. There are twelve years between when he graduated undergrad and where the article begins. Point being that everyone has an opportunity to work hard, put themselves in the right situations and eventually earn the right to be in a "place of privilege".

gh1 9y ago

I wanted to ask an open ended question : how important do you think it is to be well-connected? I am sure if someone spent a lot of time going to plenty of networking events and put serious effort into talking with people, then they could grow their network pretty fast. But every minute spent in networking is a minute not spent in doing something else. So how do you set your priorities?

kyleschiller 9y ago
It really depends on what you want to accomplish, if you're an engineer, love your job and would be happy doing it for the next 4 years, there's probably not too much to gain. If you're an investor, your network is everything.
- gh1 9y ago
  Yes, agreed. But I guess an engineer would want to make career progress too, right? Isn't it smart to be networked to ensure that you are at the forefront of opportunity? As an aside, I was in the academia previously and it seems that networking is highly correlated with success there.
  - pdimitar 9y ago
    This struck a nerve in me. What I found to be true over 15 years of a programmer carreer is that you can grow in your current job, but not by much. There exists some kind of psychological barrier for the people above you and they find all sorts of ways to put you down. Maybe it's just the money; who wants to spend more without knowing beforehand if they'll get more value? So I'd say for a tech worker networking becomes extremely important if they are looking to move to a next step in their carreer, be it in terms of responsibility, money, new sub-area of work, or a mix of all.

a_d 9y ago

There are many great points being made in the article, and in the comments - esp the comment about how this is a rehash of wisdom from Dale Carnegie. I believe these kinds of posts need to have a corollary for introverts - folks that are shyer, more reluctant/reflective (thoughtful, perhaps), aren't great at small talk and find the prospect of starting a conversation intimidating. While I am naturally skeptical of any kind of 'people categorization' - I do think there are folks who find "networking" daunting. So, what should they do? I think the first step is to acknowledge the importance of a good network of people that you can talk to - it is often a powerful source of diverse ideas (outside of your own bubble), mentorship, collaboration and even friendship. The reason I say this is because it is often easy to dismiss "networking" as something frivolous (it doesn't help sometimes when certain people hijack this word to mean lots of low-quality connections) or not-for-me or 'I am just happy doing my own thing' etc. I think a discussion about how networking helps us in various facets of life is important. I'd love to hear positive examples from others in this area. The second step is to work towards a realization that most of the qualities that introverts likely possess - like "listening well" - are key to this "networking-thing". So you already possess a lot of the raw ingredients that are needed to have a good network of people. The third step is to really value diversity - of ideas/opinions, knowledge and competence (e.g. "engineering" sometimes have reluctance in appreciating "sales"). Groups, companies, teams thrive when there is real diversity. This should make you want to talk to others who are doing different things in different domains (or same things as you, but differently) And finally, realize that (and several folks points this out in the comments) it is not about "tricks" - i.e. don't lose your authentic self. But try to distil the "tricks" into more basic human tenets - e.g. if you are a curious individual genuinely interesting in learning more about technology (say), then "Convey genuine appreciation" isn't something you would need to fake. The longer I work and observe other folks doing interesting things, the more I find that networking is a useful (even powerful) thing -- and I say this as an introvert and someone not proficient at networking (have a very small group of close friends). I often think "wouldn't it be cool to learn more about what this person is doing" or even "how did they do that!?", and lately (gradually) started acting on that impulse and wrote to some of those folks (that I wish to know and learn from). To my surprise, it was very rewarding. I met some very knowledgeable and interesting people -- even some that I learned from a lot. Just having a bunch of people that I can discuss different topics with - related to software, scaling, operations (or life in general!) has been rewarding. Most of what I say here is obvious, but I just wanted to share this because I struggled (and continue to) with this whole "networking-thing". :)

venture_lol 9y ago

Come on HN and announce you are looking to drop some 50-100K seeds on 5 projects Be ready to be hunted :)

theprop 9y ago

TL:DR --> mostly email advice. Keep emails short. To the point. "no need to respond" is powerful. Follow up on whatever you say you will. Offer something before you ask for something.

ignawin 9y ago
How exactly is "no need to respond" powerful? Are you getting higher response rate just because of this sentence?

bluker 9y ago

There are two things that I've always found that will immediately engage people and make a lasting impression. 1. How did you become who you are? People work hard to where they're at and they rarely get to tell their story - so I found that engaging them on this level allows them to reminisce a little bit about where they came from and most people will light right up. 2. Write hand-written notes. This is a lost art and Brian Chesky talks about how he learned from George Tenet the value of writing hand-written notes. http://fortune.com/brian-chesky-airbnb/ http://fortune.com/brian-chesky-airbnb/

hestefisk 9y ago

So full of clichés - blue sky brainstorm. What does it even mean? You don't need years of VC experience to know all of this is common sense.

citizens 9y ago

I met Chris during an Uber Pitch ride a few months back and just meeting him was a remarkable experience. Looking back, in the course of conversation he did use these "7 Rules for Making Memorable Connections" and they worked.

mrmrcoleman 9y ago

Grade A bellendery. There are so many holes in this I don't even know where to start.

traviswingo 9y ago

This reminds me of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Absolutely one of the best books to read if you're looking to improve your social skills.

known 9y ago

Traditionally it has been politics and religion

fgvvbbb 9y ago

Nice

jg2009 9y ago

How?

amitmgr 9y ago

To well connect one need to focus on people they like due to their extra traits other than qualities and knowledge.