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I know a small number of very charismatic people. It seems to just be a natural function of who they are. I have always wondered if there was a way to "become

by hoodoof 10y ago

I know a small number of very charismatic people. It seems to just be a natural function of who they are. I have always wondered if there was a way to "become charismatic".

nunez 10y ago
You would be surprised by how many people don't ask me anything in a one on one conversation. Ask questions. Even if they are dumb. At worst you'll get a weird reaction. At best, you'll find a common link.
CuriouslyC 10y ago
You can definitely learn charisma. I wouldn't call myself a smooth talker (I'm way too frank), but I've got a presence that people respond to. More importantly, 20 years ago I was basically a shut in with crippling social anxiety. I've found that the big key is getting your mind in order. You can work forever on what to say, but if your head isn't right it won't work. On the other hand, someone who is totally centered can say the most random things and people will still like them. Old buddhist monks demonstrate this beautifully.
- copperx 10y ago
  Do you mind expounding on "getting your mind in order"?
  - CuriouslyC 10y ago
    That is going to be a different for everyone. For me, it involved systematically examining my beliefs and feelings, and discarding the ones that didn't serve me. Additionally, I've found that there is a certain flow to life; you can struggle against it, get carried away by it, or harness it. Accepting the way things are and learning to surf the currents rather than raging against them helped a lot. If you want a shortcut, in terms of interpersonal skills the two highest impact changes for me have been: 1. Derive your personal value entirely from within 2. Develop compassion for other people If you nail these two changes, you will be attractive. You might not be "persuasive" like a salesman, but that is a specialized skill-set that needs to be developed on its own.
- randcraw 10y ago
  And Yogi Berra.
cmahler7 10y ago
I'd say it's like any skill, you can improve but most will never be elite. Anybody can improve their jump shot, but most won't make the NBA. Anybody can improve their charisma, but most aren't going to reach Steve Jobs level charisma
meesterdude 10y ago
hrm... wasn't for me. Not that I'm Mr. Charismatic - but I changed my thinking and perspective of the world, and as a side effect I gained all sorts of charisma from it i've specifically never had before - to the point where I get free food at restaurants I frequent. To be come charismatic, I think you need to start with your own acceptance. After that, everyone else becomes easier.
- hoodoof 10y ago
  > you need to start with your own acceptance true dat. self confidence = a form of charisma
Gustomaximus 10y ago
My feeling is it is a bit of both nature/nurture. I do feel you can influence. Some years back on university holidays I did door-to-door sales for ~6 weeks. I noticed at the end I was getting involved in all these conversations with people I wouldn't normally in day-today life. E.g. I'd order a beer at some bar and find myself having chats with the bartender, and genuine we're being friends chats. Something I've never been naturally inclined to do before. It was a fairly positive effect. That said I think it can go the other way as I saw a friend who moved into real estate sales becoming quite sleazy from I'm guessing being surrounded by that say what you need to make a sale culture for a couple years.
sowbug 10y ago
Read The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane <https://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnetism/dp/1591845947> https://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnet.... The myth is that charisma is "natural function of who they are." The reality is that charisma is a set of discrete behaviors, any of which can be analyzed and broken down into steps that anyone can learn. As the Time article suggests, a huge part of charisma is being a good listener who genuinely makes a conversational partner feel valued. But being a good listener has many different variations and components. Obviously, there are the mechanical parts such as maintaining eye contact and not speaking over the other person. Then the active listening includes phrasing replies in a way that shows that you're empathetic and have actually heard what they've said. And then there's what you bring to the conversation: are you the kind of person who deeply groks what someone's saying and potentially builds on their thoughts to create something amazing in a conversational moment? Do you naturally exude authority about a subject or in a certain environment? Do you see the big picture in a way that inspires people to take their ideas to you to be told why what they're doing is important? Are you a kind, warm person who people open up to when they fear being judged by others? Everyone has at least a little charisma. This book helps you find it and develop it.

by hoodoof 10y ago

I know a small number of very charismatic people. It seems to just be a natural function of who they are. I have always wondered if there was a way to "become charismatic".

nunez 10y ago

You would be surprised by how many people don't ask me anything in a one on one conversation. Ask questions. Even if they are dumb. At worst you'll get a weird reaction. At best, you'll find a common link.

CuriouslyC 10y ago

You can definitely learn charisma. I wouldn't call myself a smooth talker (I'm way too frank), but I've got a presence that people respond to. More importantly, 20 years ago I was basically a shut in with crippling social anxiety. I've found that the big key is getting your mind in order. You can work forever on what to say, but if your head isn't right it won't work. On the other hand, someone who is totally centered can say the most random things and people will still like them. Old buddhist monks demonstrate this beautifully.

copperx 10y ago
Do you mind expounding on "getting your mind in order"?
- CuriouslyC 10y ago
  That is going to be a different for everyone. For me, it involved systematically examining my beliefs and feelings, and discarding the ones that didn't serve me. Additionally, I've found that there is a certain flow to life; you can struggle against it, get carried away by it, or harness it. Accepting the way things are and learning to surf the currents rather than raging against them helped a lot. If you want a shortcut, in terms of interpersonal skills the two highest impact changes for me have been: 1. Derive your personal value entirely from within 2. Develop compassion for other people If you nail these two changes, you will be attractive. You might not be "persuasive" like a salesman, but that is a specialized skill-set that needs to be developed on its own.
randcraw 10y ago
And Yogi Berra.

cmahler7 10y ago

I'd say it's like any skill, you can improve but most will never be elite. Anybody can improve their jump shot, but most won't make the NBA. Anybody can improve their charisma, but most aren't going to reach Steve Jobs level charisma

meesterdude 10y ago

hrm... wasn't for me. Not that I'm Mr. Charismatic - but I changed my thinking and perspective of the world, and as a side effect I gained all sorts of charisma from it i've specifically never had before - to the point where I get free food at restaurants I frequent. To be come charismatic, I think you need to start with your own acceptance. After that, everyone else becomes easier.

hoodoof 10y ago
> you need to start with your own acceptance true dat. self confidence = a form of charisma

Gustomaximus 10y ago

My feeling is it is a bit of both nature/nurture. I do feel you can influence. Some years back on university holidays I did door-to-door sales for ~6 weeks. I noticed at the end I was getting involved in all these conversations with people I wouldn't normally in day-today life. E.g. I'd order a beer at some bar and find myself having chats with the bartender, and genuine we're being friends chats. Something I've never been naturally inclined to do before. It was a fairly positive effect. That said I think it can go the other way as I saw a friend who moved into real estate sales becoming quite sleazy from I'm guessing being surrounded by that say what you need to make a sale culture for a couple years.

sowbug 10y ago

Read The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane <https://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnetism/dp/1591845947> https://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnet.... The myth is that charisma is "natural function of who they are." The reality is that charisma is a set of discrete behaviors, any of which can be analyzed and broken down into steps that anyone can learn. As the Time article suggests, a huge part of charisma is being a good listener who genuinely makes a conversational partner feel valued. But being a good listener has many different variations and components. Obviously, there are the mechanical parts such as maintaining eye contact and not speaking over the other person. Then the active listening includes phrasing replies in a way that shows that you're empathetic and have actually heard what they've said. And then there's what you bring to the conversation: are you the kind of person who deeply groks what someone's saying and potentially builds on their thoughts to create something amazing in a conversational moment? Do you naturally exude authority about a subject or in a certain environment? Do you see the big picture in a way that inspires people to take their ideas to you to be told why what they're doing is important? Are you a kind, warm person who people open up to when they fear being judged by others? Everyone has at least a little charisma. This book helps you find it and develop it.