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I think one common reason people are not reasonable is they lack proficiency in the needed social skills. I think books like Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Com

I think one common reason people are not reasonable is they lack proficiency in the needed social skills. I think books like Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication can be helpful here.

lliamander 10y ago
Indeed. In my experience, unreasonableness in interpersonal contexts often seems to stem from unmet emotional needs. Having the tools to deescalate the situation and address those needs is critical to getting emotional arguments back on to the rails of civil discussion.
espeed 10y ago
Empathy and perspective. To tell someone they're wrong, first tell them how they're right [1]: When we wish to correct with advantage, and to show another that he errs, we must notice from what side he views the matter, for on that side it is usually true, and admit that truth to him, but reveal to him the side on which it is false. He is satisfied with that, for he sees that he was not mistaken, and that he only failed to see all sides. Now, no one is offended at not seeing everything; but one does not like to be mistaken, and that perhaps arises from the fact that man naturally cannot see everything, and that naturally he cannot err in the side he looks at, since the perceptions of our senses are always true. People are generally better persuaded by the reasons which they have themselves discovered than by those which have come into the mind of others. — Blaise Pascal Empathy [2] (cognitive empathy) is the ability to put yourself in someone's shoes and see things from their perspective. Not everyone has the ability to empathize -- we often believe our level of empathy is like that of everyone else, but this is not the case. Cluster B personality types [3], those with Asperger's [4] or on the autistic spectrum, and some with ADHD lack the ability to empathize. Recent research out of Berkeley has shown than medication can help those with ADHD access their Executive Function and gain their ability to empathize [5]. In one of the comments on [5], Dr Charles Parker describes empathy as a two-step process: "Empathy is a higher order function, more evolved with effective PFC [prefrontal cortex] activity than sympathy. Why? Sympathy indicates a certain subjective, feeling level, ability to emotionally reach across the room and identify with the pain of another. The only problem for those practicing sympathy is that, more often than not, they only take that first identification step, and too often get stuck in the other person’s pain. They can’t leave, and become emotionally lost over there. Empathy, on the other hand, requires good PFC Executive Function, with a metacognitively active two step process: 1. Trial identification with the other, and 2. Return to one’s full self for objective management of the other’s challenges. Good next-step advice doesn’t often arise from sympathy, but does often arise from empathetic considerations more objectively managed outside of a purely emotional reaction." [1] https://qz.com/778767/to-tell-someone-theyre-wrong-first-tell-them-how-theyre-right/ https://qz.com/778767/to-tell-someone-theyre-wrong-first-tel... [2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empathy https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empathy [3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cluster_B_personality_disorders https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cluster_B_personality_disorder... [4] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome [5] http://adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/adhd-impaired-empathy-and-dopamine/ http://adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/adhd-imp...

I think one common reason people are not reasonable is they lack proficiency in the needed social skills. I think books like Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication can be helpful here.

lliamander 10y ago

Indeed. In my experience, unreasonableness in interpersonal contexts often seems to stem from unmet emotional needs. Having the tools to deescalate the situation and address those needs is critical to getting emotional arguments back on to the rails of civil discussion.

espeed 10y ago

Empathy and perspective. To tell someone they're wrong, first tell them how they're right [1]: When we wish to correct with advantage, and to show another that he errs, we must notice from what side he views the matter, for on that side it is usually true, and admit that truth to him, but reveal to him the side on which it is false. He is satisfied with that, for he sees that he was not mistaken, and that he only failed to see all sides. Now, no one is offended at not seeing everything; but one does not like to be mistaken, and that perhaps arises from the fact that man naturally cannot see everything, and that naturally he cannot err in the side he looks at, since the perceptions of our senses are always true. People are generally better persuaded by the reasons which they have themselves discovered than by those which have come into the mind of others. — Blaise Pascal Empathy [2] (cognitive empathy) is the ability to put yourself in someone's shoes and see things from their perspective. Not everyone has the ability to empathize -- we often believe our level of empathy is like that of everyone else, but this is not the case. Cluster B personality types [3], those with Asperger's [4] or on the autistic spectrum, and some with ADHD lack the ability to empathize. Recent research out of Berkeley has shown than medication can help those with ADHD access their Executive Function and gain their ability to empathize [5]. In one of the comments on [5], Dr Charles Parker describes empathy as a two-step process: "Empathy is a higher order function, more evolved with effective PFC [prefrontal cortex] activity than sympathy. Why? Sympathy indicates a certain subjective, feeling level, ability to emotionally reach across the room and identify with the pain of another. The only problem for those practicing sympathy is that, more often than not, they only take that first identification step, and too often get stuck in the other person’s pain. They can’t leave, and become emotionally lost over there. Empathy, on the other hand, requires good PFC Executive Function, with a metacognitively active two step process: 1. Trial identification with the other, and 2. Return to one’s full self for objective management of the other’s challenges. Good next-step advice doesn’t often arise from sympathy, but does often arise from empathetic considerations more objectively managed outside of a purely emotional reaction." [1] https://qz.com/778767/to-tell-someone-theyre-wrong-first-tell-them-how-theyre-right/ https://qz.com/778767/to-tell-someone-theyre-wrong-first-tel... [2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empathy https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empathy [3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cluster_B_personality_disorders https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cluster_B_personality_disorder... [4] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome [5] http://adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/adhd-impaired-empathy-and-dopamine/ http://adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/adhd-imp...