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Why I will never have a girlfriend (1999)
- deleted 10y ago[deleted]
- javipas 10y agoI wonder if 17 years later statistic have triumphed or not.
- kowdermeister 10y agoWriting viral articles about your misery always helps improving your initial chances. I guess he's alright now :)
- crispyambulance 10y agoYep, knowing THAT would be far more interesting than spending any time debunking that bullshit "Drake equation" for girlfriends.
- protocow 10y agoYeah, well, now try it if you're gay. Divide the world population in half, and then multiply that by (latest estimate) 4%. Also, remember that every other gay guy is a potential rival as well as a potential match. Every day I think about how lucky I am to have met the guy I am with, now 15 years ago.
- insickness 10y agoI'm not into guys but I got hit on by a guy with a pretty good pick-up line which I would probably use if I were gay. I was standing at the finish line of a race and a guy standing next to me said, "There's a lot of cute guys here, huh?" At first I started to respond, "I... guess..." and then I realized he was hitting on me. Pretty smooth way to ferret out whether a guy is open to other guys.
- dazc 10y agoI'm not sure that would work too often. I'm also not gay but I notice when I've caught the eye of someone who is; it's subtle but very obvious. I imagine if I were gay it would be very likely I'd be more attuned to this than I am now. So, I doubt there's a need to be so brazen?
- SamBam 10y agoEh, or maybe he just noticed how much you had been staring at the other guys.
- djaychela 10y ago>remember that every other gay guy is a potential rival as well as a potential match I'd never thought of it that way before - thanks for the insight!
- CiPHPerCoder 10y ago> Also, remember that every other gay guy is a potential rival as well as a potential match. Also, not all gay people are monogamous! That makes things complicated if you are. Your dating pool dwindles smaller and smaller. > Every day I think about how lucky I am to have met the guy I am with, now 15 years ago. Good on ya. :)
- skrebbel 10y ago> Also, remember that every other gay guy is a potential rival as well as a potential match. Haha wow I never realized that aspect. Complicated! Ahwell it still all boils down to trust I guess :-)
- tmorton 10y ago> ... for a girl to be considered really beautiful to me, she should fall at least two standard deviations above the norm > ... [in intelligence] I will settle for someone a mere one standard deviation above the normal Yeah, that would do it. Nothing to learn here.
- rhaps0dy 10y agoAnd of course, he forgot to take into account selection effects. You don't meet and go on dates with random people, you meet and go on dates with people similar enough to you to be in your social circle.
- douche 10y agoOr whoever swipes right (left? I don't know) on Tinder, or whoever emails you on dating websites. Going on dates with random people that exist outside of your social circles feels like it's more normal than perhaps it once was. At least in areas that are populous and transient enough that you don't have that two to four degrees of separation factor that you get in small towns and college campuses.
- Helmet 10y agoExtremely beautiful women are neither on Tinder or on online dating sites. They are walking down runways, being photographed, or acting in films.
- deleted 10y ago[deleted]
- empath75 10y agoAnnoying, unattractive nerd sets standards too high, news at 11.
- avisser 10y agoThe meme is "Film at 11"
- godzillabrennus 10y agoWouldn't load for me so I used this: http://archive.is/d4J2P http://archive.is/d4J2P
- deleted 10y ago[deleted]
- csomar 10y agoThe author has missed the key point: He is trying to find someone who operates like him, from a different gender. I'm all for gender-equality but the different genders operate differently. Once you grasp that and accept that women do no operate, think and behave like male; your success with them will sky rocket.
- bhaak 10y agoIn my experience, that's true for all humans, not just for humans of the opposite gender. Don't assume they are like you just because you share some similar biological appendices. I think grouping people by gender is not very helpful. There are always exceptions and usually quite a few. But maybe that is just so in my social circles.
- hueving 10y ago>I think grouping people by gender is not very helpful. There are always exceptions and usually quite a few. But maybe that is just so in my social circles. Isn't it pretty well-known that mating behavior is different between genders in humans (well-know == observed scientifically in this case)?
- steanne 10y agoIf 60% of men exhibit mating behavior x and 60% of women behavior y, that's a clear statistical difference but there are so many exceptions that it's not useful in daily life.
- lamacase 10y agoYeah, I hate how women are never normally distributed. Only men operate in statistically simple distributions.
- csomar 10y agoNo, they are normally distributed. Men are just attracted to the top 1% (or even 0.1%) of women. It just happens that most women are not that physically attractive which is an important trait for both genders. Once you realize this and figure out how much you are worth (sexually), dating will really become easier.
- a_humean 10y agoFunny, but he does not need to go through 3493 dates to meet one of his 18,726 viable bachelorettes. Its probably in the double digits. You don't meet random people within the general population, you meet random people within your environment. If you are above the normal for intelligence its almost certain that your environment is going to be filled above normal intelligence women, and to a lesser extent its likely the same in terms of attractiveness. Also his standards are too high (especially on physical attraction - yeesh!)...
- shubhamjain 10y agoExactly! You can rationalise any assertion akin to that by broadening your sample space. Your sample space isn't the world's population, it's your environment.
- mooseburger 10y agoSoftware companies are filled with women (even of average intelligence) now?. But yeah, two standard deviations for physical attraction is too high.
- luckystartup 10y agoI think it's rare to find a software company where all of the employees are software engineers. They are usually outnumbered by designers, marketers, salespeople, support staff, finance, accounting, etc. There is generally a similar number of men and women working in these fields. Yeah, two standard deviations is too high, even if attractiveness could be modelled as a normal distribution. That's the top 2.5%. Even one standard deviation is the top 15.5%, which is very picky. I don't think the average person is all that terrible. One standard deviation for intelligence is probably ok. IQ scores are actually based on the normal distribution, where the mean is 100 and one standard deviation is 15 points. So while I don't think 115 is a very high bar, you probably shouldn't ask your date to do an IQ test.
- whack 10y agoTLDR: He's looking for someone who's two standard deviations above the median in beauty, one standard deviation above the median in intelligence, and is trying to find this mythical unicorn by going on one blind date every week. That makes about as much sense as Google trying to find its next CEO by interviewing every single applicant it gets, without any filter, at a rate of 1-interview-per-week.
- jorgemf 10y agoYou forgot to say he is also average.
- nailer 10y agoWe also don't know socially valuable he is, only that his looks are average - he's heterosexual so looks likely aren't as important to his mate as they are to him. Is Tristan Miller well known? Is he a leader in his field? Is he wealthy or otherwise successful?
- Humdeee 10y agoYes, and the first 2 universal rules of getting a girlfriend always apply.
- fspear 10y agoTo women almost every man is average or below average in looks nowadays. Women's standards keep rising and rising. http://www.girlsaskguys.com/sexual-behavior/a22977-girls-on-tinder-do-smash-a-lot http://www.girlsaskguys.com/sexual-behavior/a22977-girls-on-...
- jorgemf 10y agoOr attracting men are lowering standards. Any of them lead to the same results.
- duncan-donuts 10y agoAnd all that time he spent calculating his chances of finding a girlfriend, he probably could have snuck in a couple more dates.
- amelius 10y agoThat exposition looks an awful lot like the Drake Equation :) Anyway, I think the author should talk to women more frequently, about things not related to work.
- fao_ 10y agoMaybe Earth should try looking for partners in its orbital circles instead :^)
- ajeet_dhaliwal 10y agoAn entertaining article but his intelligence and beauty requirements (1 and 2 standard deviations above the norm respectively) are rather silly. Unless he's actually rich and handsome to make it match. Especially so given I'm not convinced about the distribution, variance might be lower than he assumes.
- GFK_of_xmaspast 10y agoOne suspects the real reason he's incel is that he's the kind of dude who would write this kind of article.
- cuckcuckspruce 10y agoI find that most people who apply the "incel" label are the most rampant misanthropic/misogynist people I've ever interacted with.
- sjcsjc 10y agoFor anyone else who would have had to look it up, "involuntary celibate", apparently.
- Acalyptol 10y agoYour beauty criteria incurs a 1/65 loss. This is why.
- cuckcuckspruce 10y agoThis is why I listen to Jimmy Soul[1] for all of my life's decisions./s [1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NF5XU-k2Vk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NF5XU-k2Vk
- SmkyMt 10y agoReminds me of punchline from a joke about a man who finally, after 30 years of searching for "the perfect woman - found one: "Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man." In my experience, an overlooked part of finding a good mate is making yourself into a good candidate for your side of that partnership. [edited for grammar]
- paulddraper 10y agoI've heard that idea though different: "Even if you found the perfect women, she'd certainly have no interest in you." --- Speaking of perfect soulmates: "If I didn't have you, I'd have someone else" by Tim Minchin https://youtu.be/Gaid72fqzNE https://youtu.be/Gaid72fqzNE
- Balgair 10y agoThe logic is similar to the old idiom: If you have to say you are a lady, you are not a lady. With dating, you have be sought after, and not chase after others. Trying to tell people that are lonely about this is, unfortunately, useless; the heart wants what it wants and we can do little to change it. For anyone out there that is male, I would suggest these posts (linked in article) to help alter the equation so that you are sought after and are not the seeker: http://www.artofmanliness.com/2014/03/31/the-3-ps-of-manhood-a-review/ http://www.artofmanliness.com/2014/03/31/the-3-ps-of-manhood... . Remember that being a real man is not the opposite of being a woman, but rather in not being a child.
- ValentineC 10y agoThis reminds me of a slightly more viral paper: http://web.archive.org/web/20100214192633/http://www2.warwick.ac.uk/fac/soc/economics/staff/phd_students/backus/girlfriend/why_i_dont_have_a_girlfriend.pdf http://web.archive.org/web/20100214192633/http://www2.warwic... (seems like the original has been removed)
- germinalphrase 10y agoBrian Christian did a Long Now Foundation talk about algorithms that you can apply to life. One point he made was (roughly) to find a good life partner follow this advice: until the age of 26 date as many people as you can (as in, have a relationship - not just Tinder dates). After the age of 26, marry the next person you date that is better than the best person you dated before 26. I don't think I agree with it - but it seems like far more useful dating advice than what this guy is trying to achieve. Select from the pool of people who are also attracted to you - not all people.
- weinzierl 10y ago>After the age of 26, marry the next person you date that is better than the best person you dated before 26. How long will it take until that happens? (I'm not asking for opinion, this is a math problem;-)
- deleted 10y ago[deleted]
- niij 10y agoYou might like this TED talk on the mathematics of love: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N37x4GgDVBM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N37x4GgDVBM
- kelvin0 10y agoAlso available in this book series: "Why I will never be Happy/Lucky/Content" "Why I will never be a <Important Sounding Title>" "Why I will never have a <Expensive Luxury Item>" You might also like from this author: "Mastering navel gazing, and justifying your paralyzing inaction"
- ourmandave 10y agoReminds me of Tim Minchin's If I Didn't Have You Your love is one in a million (One in a million) You couldn't buy it at any price (Can't buy love) But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other loves Statistically, some of them would be equally nice (Equally nice) Or maybe not as nice but, say, smarter than you Or dumber but better at sport or tracing I'm just saying (I really think that I would) Probably (Have somebody else)
- koonsolo 10y agoIt's 2017, get a Tinder account.
- dTal 10y agoNot only is Tinder's schtick super cringey, using it requires sharing extremely intimate details about yourself and life with Facebook. Some people might not regard it as being worth the moral hazard and information leak. On the other hand, if you're already publishing cringey articles about your love life, perhaps the calculus shifts. Note the article's from 1999.
- dorfsmay 10y ago"20 December 1999", it's even written in the title.
- Aaargh20318 10y agoInstalled it, turns out it requires a Facebook account. Deleted it immediately.
- fspear 10y agohttp://www.girlsaskguys.com/sexual-behavior/a22977-girls-on-tinder-do-smash-a-lot http://www.girlsaskguys.com/sexual-behavior/a22977-girls-on-... Tinder only works if you are in the top 10% of males. If you are short (anything under 6 ft nowadays), a minority, fat, etc using tinder is an invitation to get your self esteem crushed. There's no place for the average or below average men in the dating scene anymore. It's all about height,Wealth,penis size and overall looks.
- aianus 10y agoI bet most men on this site are in the top 10% of incomes (it's only about $100k) so they're fine.
- cagrimmett 10y agoI don't believe in soulmates or perfect matches. Relationships are about working together, generosity, and graciousness. My wife and I could have made it work with other people, but we chose to make our relationship work, which is what makes it special. And we never forget that we have to keep working on it every day.
- hueving 10y ago>I don't believe in soulmates or perfect matches. So did you feel like you "settled" so to speak? If so, did you ever stop thinking that?
- mathattack 10y agoIt's not a matter of settling. Perfection in relationships is a wrong concept. (If someone projects one on Facebook, it's to cover their insecurities) They take work. Even when you find the right person.
- posterboy 10y agoAh, this sounds so right taking into account 'perfect' means a finished process, compared to the ongoing progress that a relation is (and live in general). Edit: Further, careless and secura are antonym homonyms modulo literal translation.
- Clubber 10y agoAgreed. It's like finding the perfect job that's perfect for 40 years. Never gonna happen. It's great to find a good job, that keeps your interest, respects you, treats you well, grows with you, is loyal, and gives back; but you're never gonna find a perfect job. Some people find what seems like a perfect job, then after a few years, they get bought out and aren't so perfect anymore. I played the field until I was in my mid 30s, then settled down. Never been happier. I hope it lasts, and I think it will. Also, beauty fades pretty quickly. Not only in the object, but in the eye of the beholder. The person is much more important. Also, it sucks when everyone hits on your girlfriend / wife all the time.
- moomin 10y ago...because you're completely self-obsessed. Forget men vs women, you know what people like? They like it if you're actually interested in them and listen to them and don't have a hidden agenda and aren't silently judging them. You can apply this to a lot, not just romance. I mean, there are other approaches to making yourself desirable (like be really rich, ridiculously good looking, famous &c) but it's notable that Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg both seem to be actually interested in what their wives think.
- shinyshorts 10y agoDont worry you will find your miss piggy
- badthingfactory 10y agoLest anyone suspect that my standards for women are too high, let me allay those fears by enumerating in advance my three criteria for the match. ... I will say that for a girl to be considered really beautiful to me, she should fall at least two standard deviations above the norm.
- goodJobWalrus 10y agoI wonder whether Tristan has found that girl by now, or is he still looking to this day.
- Marinlemaignan 10y agohttps://logological.org/fan_mail https://logological.org/fan_mail The fan mail he later received is amazingly crazy
- kresimirus 10y agoHe definitely needs to work on his strategy to find one of those 18726 girls. I would propose to go with strategy widely know in database system, namely using proper indexing. If you have a table in database and can create only one compound index for your important query you would create it in a way that most distinctive column end up on the first place of compound index. In this case that would be beauty of potential partner (only ~2% match this). Second most distinctive criteria would be to find girls who actually will like him. So most optimal strategy would be to go to places with a lot of beautiful girls that might like him (similar interests etc.) ...from there continue with linear search.
- stared 10y agohttp://www.alternet.org/story/129887/why_being_smart_won't_get_you_laid http://www.alternet.org/story/129887/why_being_smart_won't_g... and point 5.: "By virtue (or vice) of being smart, you eliminate most of the planet's inhabitants as a dating prospect" and "At this point, you have three choices: A) Loosen up B) Do a very thorough search all over the planet and be prepared to move to Duesseldorf OR C) Join a monastery."
- znpy 10y agoI wonder in what partition would the author fall if the gender he's after applied similar reasoning. Also: the world is big and "there is plenty of fish in the sea": usually, if you don't get to have a SO, chances are that there is something wrong with yourself too. But whatever...
- Aaargh20318 10y ago> usually, if you don't get to have a SO, chances are that there is something wrong with yourself too. As a single guy, sure there's plenty of things wrong with me. But another factor is that not everyone values having a relationship in the same way. To use a car analogy: my brother is really into cars, he likes to have a really nice car and is willing to spend a lot of money on one. Would I like a nice car, sure, but I don't really care enough to spend the money on one, and that is fine. Same goes for an SO: would I like one, sure. Am I willing to spend a lot of time and effort finding one, not really. And that is fine too.
- projektir 10y agoI never understood the view. People are not fish, and are not just looking for any fish. Getting an SO is not that difficult. Getting the right SO is a whole different story. Some people get the right SO. Most people get an SO and stick with them, and it works out or not. Some don't want to settle for any SO they came across, and stay single. The idea that everyone should always have an SO at all times strikes me as really, really strange, and it would seem to lead to all sorts of issues. "there's something wrong with you" is such a generic statement to make that doesn't really say anything about reality and just causes neurosis all over the place. Plenty of absolutely abhorrent people have SO's, and I've met plenty nice people who can't get SO's or just don't really want them. There are some factors that affect likelihood of having an SO and they're not really aligned with the "something wrong" scale. The issue with the OP isn't his refusal to hate himself, because that's pointless. It's his odd standards for the other gender, but, hey, maybe he just refuses to settle for less, it is his prerogative.
- slantaclaus 10y agoMove to LA, be rich. That will get you reaaaally long way.
- icantdrive55 10y agoSome people over analyze whey they don't have a girlfriend, or find love. 1. Forget about love. If you ever find it; consider yourself lucky. 2. Forget about beauty. If you get the chance to sleep with a person your culture considers beautiful; those of you that succeeded will, most likely, walk away with mixed feelings. Concentrate on "chemistry". Average, and below average people all have different "chemistry". You will never know unless you sleep with them. 3. Forget about perceived intelligence. Does anyone really want to be with anyone who had the ego to take the Menza exam? Not me! I've met two guys who claimed to ve Menza members, and I was happiest when they were far away. Find someone who gets you. And believe me, they will change. Don't expect them to always "get" you. 4. I feel in love one summer in a national park. She was the perfect ninties girl. Cool chick! Smoked, and partied! We had the same inner values. She was the one. I made the huge mistake of being too nice, and telling her how special I thought she was. Even though she was stunning; I was not that attracted to her. I don't know why. I will never know if we had "chemistry" because she never let me in, so to say. I ran into her 17 years later. She called out my name. I walked up to a woman I didn't know. She kept on repeating her name, but I couldn't place her. Then it finally hit. I hugged her, and said she looked great. We made small talk. I left because I had to go. We did the, "I'll Friend you on FB." I knew I was using a pseudonym. I've thought about that encounter for a few years now. Why wasen't I still crazy about her? Was it because she rebuffed me, or gave me mixed signals that summer? I honestly don't know, but just figure I'm not the deep, sensitive person I thought I was. I do know this, if I ever find anyone who accepts my horrid ass; I will cherish the ground they walk on. Would I marry if given the opportunity--hell no. I think that's my generation though? My parents just fought and fought. The idea of marriage has always looked just aweful. I don't think being monogamous has much to do with marriage?. In all honestly, I once found love at first sight. She was sitting on a bench in San Rafael. She literally had hands that looked like they had Henna Tatoos on them, but it was just dirt, and grime. She was obviously homeless. She had some sort of mental condition, but seemed to really care about the wrongs of society. I can honestly say I have never felt so close to someone in less than 15 minutes. She asked to stay with me, but I chickened out. I found her a women's shelter that night. To this day, I can't get her out of my head. She is the only person I fell in love with at first site. Maybe not? Why didn't I bring her home? To this day I think it was my biggest mistake. I did hear she moved back to her parents home, and is doing much better. I was so glad she was doing better. I truly wanted more for her than myself. According to Eric Fromm that was love. I guess I have loved once? Besides family of course, and the occasional friend.
- sauronlord 10y agoSounds like an asperger's MTGOW to me. Next
- antisthenes 10y agoIt's MGTOW, not MTGOW.
- threepipeproblm 10y agoHe also didn't take into the account the effect of publishing this article on his chances of getting a date.
- DonaldFisk 10y agoThe topic reminds me of the lyrics to Ana Ng by TMBG: http://www.metrolyrics.com/ana-ng-lyrics-they-might-be-giants.html http://www.metrolyrics.com/ana-ng-lyrics-they-might-be-giant... There's a whole area of maths devoted to finding the ideal partner and related topics, called optimal stopping theory. The Secretary Problem is particularly relevant: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secretary_problem https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secretary_problem
- novia 10y agoThat is my favorite song! "I don't want the world, I just want your half."
- TheOtherHobbes 10y agoAm I the only one wondering if this is extremely dry humour?
- HeyLaughingBoy 10y agoI thought it was at first, but by the end I was sure he's serious.
- projektir 10y agoOne of these days I'll figure out why intelligent people care about appearance this much.
- aianus 10y agoI can fulfill the rest of my social needs besides sex through family and friends and the part of my brain that likes sex doesn't care much about personality or intelligence or compatibility.
- brudgers 10y agoWhen I worked for my friend John (he was a VP and a stockholder at the firm). John'd been married once and divorced in some matter of weeks and among his complaints was that he'd had three VCR's (it was a while ago) but somehow his ex wound up with all of them. Anyway, I was engaged and then newly married at the time but John was always looking for a hot twenty-something (I was in my early thirties at the time and John is a couple of years older than me). So I switched jobs and for a couple of years I didn't run into him regularly like when we worked together but we still lived in the same part of St. Pete and one night I'm out walking my dogs and wind up in his neighborhood and there's his house for sale...it was a Thursday night and I get home and call (cell phones existed but had yet to become ubiquitous) him and am like "What the hell is going on?" And John had met a woman who had two kids and lived in Birmingham and was getting married on Saturday and moving and taking a grunt position at a firm in Alabama and that was almost twenty years ago and their third child is going to college.
- Question1101 10y agoPersonally I just have way too high standards while no person that can fulfil these would ever like me. I can't lower them. I can't settle for someone I don't really find attractive like I can settle for a cheaper car. Because a car has a practical purpose. Even if I wish I could have a cooler car the cheap car still gets me to places. But with a partner is different. I don't have to have one. I can be alone. Sometimes I think nothing is better than something. Solitude is better than an unsatisfying relationship.
- david38 10y ago"standards are too high" is the most common excuse people give when really they themselves are akward, solitary, etc. You admit these impressive women would never like you. Perhaps, but then improve yourself. Choosing to go without if you can't have the very best is an excuse. Do you live in the street because you don't have a mansion? Do you die because you can't afford to dine like the upper crust? Why is it that for a partner you suddenly need the very best?
- projektir 10y agoThis is the one discussion where insulting the party you're replying to is considered perfectly acceptable. You can always say someone you disagree with is <insert undesirable qualities here>, and nobody wants to admit that they're <insert undesirable qualities>. Most people work to improve themselves, yet we do not expect anyone to be perfect, except here. Most people have faults. Some faults make them less dateable than other faults. Some they may not care that much about or don't know how to fix. After all, the average person falls short of many standards up until they die, despite all the attempts at improvement. It should surprise no one that a subset will always be that falls short, or they choose a different set to focus on. Yet we demand that such a subset does not exist when the subject of dating comes up? > Why is it that for a partner you suddenly need the very best? I don't know, maybe because a partner is one of the most influential people in your life and they can absolutely make or break it? They don't have to be the very best, but I don't understand why, in effectively every other area, people are often commended for being picky, but here, you are perceived better if you have anyone, anyone at all, even if it crashes and burns and results in some ruined lives one is responsible for (children). Dating is not special. It doesn't get a pass. Some people just don't like the risk. Some don't assess well or don't know how. In any other area, we consider that the person's prerogative. This all smells of giving the dating scenario incredibly heavy weight for no other reason but that nature programmed us to feel that way. I would like to think we can think beyond that, and also get rid of all the surrounding vitriol, judgment, and gossip. You'll certainly do better in the self-improvement department if you avoid falling into the trap of: "I don't fit a certain arbitrary and hard to assess requirement, therefore I suck". I don't agree with the author's, err, parameters, but this is the one part I agree with, and I wouldn't be surprised he's happier for it. Nothing good ever comes out of thinking like that.
- jl6 10y agoIt's been 17 years. I think we need to know: did he ever find a girlfriend?