8 ms·

> Tone of voice dictates whether you're going to get compliance or not. "Sarah, put on the green coat or the red sweater. We're going to go out, okay?" Choice a

by junto 10y ago

> Tone of voice dictates whether you're going to get compliance or not. "Sarah, put on the green coat or the red sweater. We're going to go out, okay?" Choice among humans increases the likelihood of compliance. And choice isn't important, it's the appearance of choice that's important. Having real choice is not the issue, humans don't feel too strongly about that, but having the feeling that you have a choice makes a difference. My son has dry skin and has to have a special cream on his face before he goes to bed - normally when he's tired and terribly uncooperative. In order to get him to allow us to put the cream on his face, we often just give him the choice of which side of the face we should start with. I don't give him the choice to have the cream or not. It works brilliantly. A friend told us that tip. Awesome.

tgb 10y ago
It's interesting to me that my parents did essentially the opposite for raising my sister and I: they created a spinner that would randomly choose whether mom or dad would help us get ready for bed that night. We completely accepted the decision of the spinner because that was The Way of the World.
- GrinningFool 10y ago
  I find I have lot a easier time getting my son to accept hard dictates when I don't provide a reason - it's just the way it is. "Because I said so" is surprisingly effective[1], I think because he's learned that when I say it there is no more discussing. Reasons provide a point of discussion - and my boy will discuss endlessly anything he's given the opportunity to. Particularly if discussing the reasons means not having to do the thing he doesn't want to do. The problem I have is that I remember always wanting to know why (hell, I still do). So I have a default explain-first mentality that I've become increasingly aware I need to break. It's a hard balance to find. You want the child to know the whys of what he's doing - but you don't want each reason to turn into an endless discussion. [1] he's not happy about it, but it is remarkable effective :D
B1FF_PSUVM 10y ago
Does he favor the Republican or Democrat side of his face? (Locke was onto something ...)
- woah 10y ago
  Damn, why did this get downvoted?
  - hourislate 10y ago
    Humor is discouraged on this site.
    - sangnoir 10y ago
      I think it is a brilliant, if unintended meta-comentary on US politics: for most elections, the public is offered the choice "Democrat or Republican".
      - B1FF_PSUVM 10y ago
        Thank you, it was very much intended. (Locke prattled about consent of the governed, and this little bit of child psychology brilliantly shows how easy it is to achieve in practice.)
prawn 10y ago
This is also a very effective technique when brushing a toddler's teeth. "Top or bottom teeth first?" My other tactics for routines are "Which animal should we brush teeth like tonight?", "OK, we're going to brush your ears. Teeth!? No. No, maybe your eyebrows. OK, teeth then." and "Close your eyes and I'll choose your clothes and get you dressed so it will be a surprise."
- llimllib 10y ago
  With my son, "time for a bath!", no matter how excited, yields crying. "Would you rather watch trains or buses after your bath?" yields an excited choice. (As with all parenting advice: usually.)
  - prawn 10y ago
    If you want to avoid promising TV/iPad as a reward, good alternatives are: "If you get in the bath, I'll go and choose a bath toy that you've never even played with before." (And then I find something random in the kitchen - ladle, colander, Tupperware, etc.) or "If you get dressed, I'll tell you something interesting about Mercury." (Or owls, or bullet trains or anything you can come up with.) Used the Mercury one with my 4yo, planning to tell him about the massive valley recently discovered. He shot back immediately "Dad, I already know it's really hot on one side and cold on the other side!" If they're out of control and won't listen to reason, I often just talk somewhat quietly to them about something I know they'll find interesting, and they usually stop screaming so they can hear what it is.
    - mdda 10y ago
      I can't speak for llimllib, but I didn't read their comment as being a reward for having a bath. The key bit of the suggestion is that having a bath is implicit in the whole situation. Similarly, me (+spouse) have never offered any reward for completing any task - and see many other parents having to enter into a what-if kind of negotiation. I like your Mercury example, but would consider taking it further: "I can't tell you about Mercury until you're dressed". It sounds logical enough to a 5-6 year old (even though these things are not logically connected). I guessing these tactics will have to change at some point - but we've successfully navigated around most of the tantrum stage so far.
cmrdporcupine 10y ago
This technique worked for us a bit in the toddler years, but it became ineffective for both kids around 4 or 5. They clue in quite quickly and start pushing for ... other options.
- marknutter 10y ago
  The important thing is to give them a choice but be firm on the original requirement. Teach them that some things in life must be done (like brushing one's teeth) but they still allow for some level of autonomy, which I think is an important lesson to learn. They're going to encounter this again in life and if they are able to cope by focusing on the choices between the smaller details of a larger, more difficult or unnapealing task, that's a win in my book.
3131s 10y ago
I don't mean this in a snarky way, but have you ever just left it up to him? How old is your son? I understand your thinking if his skin condition is very serious, but if it's just a matter of him being uncomfortable because he forgot, then that's the type of thing I would be totally hands-off about.
- icc97 10y ago
  Yes, they don't do it. How long should the experiment continue?
  - 3131s 10y ago
    So, I got downvoted but I would say indefinitely if it's not a serious condition. Your child is actually capable of having priorities in life if you let him, and apparently the skin dryness thing must not bother him that much. EDIT: Noticed you're not the GP.
mcv 10y ago
I try to give them a choice in what they want on their bread, but they always want something I'm not offering, or they want nothing, or they ignore me. So I just make their choice for them, but give them time to interrupt me. Sometimes they're ignoring me so hard that they miss their opportunity, and then we've got a problem.

by junto 10y ago

tgb 10y ago

It's interesting to me that my parents did essentially the opposite for raising my sister and I: they created a spinner that would randomly choose whether mom or dad would help us get ready for bed that night. We completely accepted the decision of the spinner because that was The Way of the World.

GrinningFool 10y ago
I find I have lot a easier time getting my son to accept hard dictates when I don't provide a reason - it's just the way it is. "Because I said so" is surprisingly effective[1], I think because he's learned that when I say it there is no more discussing. Reasons provide a point of discussion - and my boy will discuss endlessly anything he's given the opportunity to. Particularly if discussing the reasons means not having to do the thing he doesn't want to do. The problem I have is that I remember always wanting to know why (hell, I still do). So I have a default explain-first mentality that I've become increasingly aware I need to break. It's a hard balance to find. You want the child to know the whys of what he's doing - but you don't want each reason to turn into an endless discussion. [1] he's not happy about it, but it is remarkable effective :D

B1FF_PSUVM 10y ago

Does he favor the Republican or Democrat side of his face? (Locke was onto something ...)

woah 10y ago
Damn, why did this get downvoted?
- hourislate 10y ago
  Humor is discouraged on this site.
  - sangnoir 10y ago
    I think it is a brilliant, if unintended meta-comentary on US politics: for most elections, the public is offered the choice "Democrat or Republican".
    - B1FF_PSUVM 10y ago
      Thank you, it was very much intended. (Locke prattled about consent of the governed, and this little bit of child psychology brilliantly shows how easy it is to achieve in practice.)

prawn 10y ago

This is also a very effective technique when brushing a toddler's teeth. "Top or bottom teeth first?" My other tactics for routines are "Which animal should we brush teeth like tonight?", "OK, we're going to brush your ears. Teeth!? No. No, maybe your eyebrows. OK, teeth then." and "Close your eyes and I'll choose your clothes and get you dressed so it will be a surprise."

llimllib 10y ago
With my son, "time for a bath!", no matter how excited, yields crying. "Would you rather watch trains or buses after your bath?" yields an excited choice. (As with all parenting advice: usually.)
- prawn 10y ago
  If you want to avoid promising TV/iPad as a reward, good alternatives are: "If you get in the bath, I'll go and choose a bath toy that you've never even played with before." (And then I find something random in the kitchen - ladle, colander, Tupperware, etc.) or "If you get dressed, I'll tell you something interesting about Mercury." (Or owls, or bullet trains or anything you can come up with.) Used the Mercury one with my 4yo, planning to tell him about the massive valley recently discovered. He shot back immediately "Dad, I already know it's really hot on one side and cold on the other side!" If they're out of control and won't listen to reason, I often just talk somewhat quietly to them about something I know they'll find interesting, and they usually stop screaming so they can hear what it is.
  - mdda 10y ago
    I can't speak for llimllib, but I didn't read their comment as being a reward for having a bath. The key bit of the suggestion is that having a bath is implicit in the whole situation. Similarly, me (+spouse) have never offered any reward for completing any task - and see many other parents having to enter into a what-if kind of negotiation. I like your Mercury example, but would consider taking it further: "I can't tell you about Mercury until you're dressed". It sounds logical enough to a 5-6 year old (even though these things are not logically connected). I guessing these tactics will have to change at some point - but we've successfully navigated around most of the tantrum stage so far.

cmrdporcupine 10y ago

This technique worked for us a bit in the toddler years, but it became ineffective for both kids around 4 or 5. They clue in quite quickly and start pushing for ... other options.

marknutter 10y ago
The important thing is to give them a choice but be firm on the original requirement. Teach them that some things in life must be done (like brushing one's teeth) but they still allow for some level of autonomy, which I think is an important lesson to learn. They're going to encounter this again in life and if they are able to cope by focusing on the choices between the smaller details of a larger, more difficult or unnapealing task, that's a win in my book.

3131s 10y ago

I don't mean this in a snarky way, but have you ever just left it up to him? How old is your son? I understand your thinking if his skin condition is very serious, but if it's just a matter of him being uncomfortable because he forgot, then that's the type of thing I would be totally hands-off about.

icc97 10y ago
Yes, they don't do it. How long should the experiment continue?
- 3131s 10y ago
  So, I got downvoted but I would say indefinitely if it's not a serious condition. Your child is actually capable of having priorities in life if you let him, and apparently the skin dryness thing must not bother him that much. EDIT: Noticed you're not the GP.

mcv 10y ago

I try to give them a choice in what they want on their bread, but they always want something I'm not offering, or they want nothing, or they ignore me. So I just make their choice for them, but give them time to interrupt me. Sometimes they're ignoring me so hard that they miss their opportunity, and then we've got a problem.