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The author defines people pleasing: > People pleasing, in my extensive personal experience, is a process of guessing what other people want, or what will make
by benatkin 10y ago
The author defines people pleasing:
> People pleasing, in my extensive personal experience, is a process of guessing what other people want, or what will make them think favorably of us, and then acting accordingly.
People pleasing isn't caring about other people. It's being selfish and manipulative in interactions with other people (often without realizing it). Quite the opposite.
- deleted 10y ago[deleted]
- tdkl 10y ago> People pleasing isn't caring about other people. It's being selfish and manipulative in interactions with other people (often without realizing it). Quite the opposite. Indeed, it's passive-agressive behaviour rooted from low self-esteem. "I'll cater to you, so you'll return the favour", but when this isn't reciprocated (since the receiver isn't even aware of this "business transaction"), the giver is feeling anger (sadness).
- avindroth 10y agoI absolutely despite passive-aggressive behaviour rooted in low self-esteem. They are invisible contracts people set. I think we have just faced a simple labeling problem, with people-pleasing as the ultimate vague word.
- hosh 10y agoThat's interesting. Why do you feel contempt for passive-aggressiveness rooted in low-self esteem? Do you feel you are superior to people who do that? Do you feel that those people are weak of character or resolve?
- avindroth 10y agoIt's detailed further in No More Mr. Nice Guy, but I will explain it. I specifically hate those who give to get. And when they give and don't get, they become passive-aggressive. If I have low self-esteem, here is how I might behave. For the purposes of this example, I am Jack and the other person is Elizabeth. 1. I want care and attention from Elizabeth. 2. I give care and attention to her, hoping I will get them back. 3. When she doesn't give me care and attention I "deserve", I become passive-aggressive towards her. Some people believe giving is the prerequisite to acceptance. They think they are not good enough. So in step 2, Jack sets an invisible contract with Elizabeth, without her knowing. He will give, give, give, and one day he will freak out. Elizabeth has no idea why.
- tdkl 10y agoLoved that book, it's quite an eye opener.
- avindroth 10y agoSame, had a feeling you read that book haha. The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida is a great follow-up. The guru stuff is sometimes overwhelming, but there are good ideas in that book. There is also a fantastic summary/teaser of the book on FightMediocrity (YouTube channel).
- tdkl 10y agoHehe, read that one too, even before No more Mr. Nice guy. It's one of those that's hard to grasp, more of a lifetime read, when you gather more and more experiences, so that the suggestions make more sense. Those two books, "Models" by Mark Manson and "Slight edge" by Jeff Olson probably changed my life the most.
- avindroth 10y agoCompletely agreed on Deida. I want to do a re-read some time soon. Getting "Models" and "Slight edge" samples on Kindle now. Thanks for the recommendations!
- specialist 10y ago"selfish and manipulative in interactions with other people" aka reciprocal altruism. As I've aged, I've embraced transactional relationships. My metaphor is "playing catch". Toss the ball, hope your partner tosses it back. Repeat. The goal is to keep the game going. Some one doesn't throw the ball back, oh well, move on to next partner. Works remarkably well for children, lovers, coworkers, grocery store checkers, and every other relationship in my life.
- pavlov 10y ago...move on to next partner. Works remarkably well for children I'm curious how you actually follow through on that with children. It's hard to move on from them (without inflicting lifetime psychological trauma, anyway).
- zaider 10y agoI don't think it means that he moves on from children but that among children they will move on to another friend.
- specialist 10y agoWell, ya. One's own children are a special case. Even so, they can test you (thinking of the house ape that moved back into my basement). But universally, I try to meet everyone, especially children, where they're at. Children get a lot more chances to learn how to throw the ball back. And I always leave the door open. TMI: one of the biggest surprise to me is connecting with nieces / nephews when they're much older, when we didn't particularly like each other earlier.
- avindroth 10y agoOkay. Let's take an example from the article. Be transparent, honest, and authentic. Do not ever waiver from this; white lies and false smiles quickly snowball into a life lived out of alignment. Let's say John is this guy who is "transparent, honest, and authentic, and never waivering." And say Jack, John's friend, is addicted to playing Overwatch. John comes by and says, "Jack, you shouldn't play Overwatch. You are wasting your time and energy." Jack responds, "I know, but just this one match." John comes back a week later and says, "Jack, I am really fucking frustrated you are still playing that shitty game. I want you to quit right this fucking moment." The article advised to never hide your emotions, so I am following that mantra. How is Jack going to feel after that? Is he going to stop playing video games? Have parents yelling stopped children from playing Minecraft? No. Why? The world really isn't that simple. Just saying "Be honest all the time" is the worst advice you can give. The principle is nice and impressive (because you always keep it!) but in reality, John is either a loner or a hypocrite. Consider Steve, one who wields both self-reliance and people-pleasing, visiting Jack who is still addicted to Overwatch. Steve knows Overwatch is killing Jack's life, and deeply concerned for him. But he does the not lazy thing and waits. Instead of admonishing Jack, Steve becomes interested in Jack. Steve asks Jack how this game works, which hero he is playing, etc. Then Jack opens up to Steve, which, in due time, can allow Steve to change Jack's mind. If you want to have the feeling that you changed people's minds, be honest all the time. But if you actually want to change people's minds, then don't be honest all the time. Utilize white lies. In that sense, people who are always honest are incredibly selfish. In the quotation far above, I would just add two more words. To myself. Be transparent, honest, and authentic to yourself. Being honest to others always sounds cool, but is in reality excruciating lazy. So lazy that I wouldn't want a friend like that, ever. I want a friend who is more wise and less automatic about his choice between truths and lies.
- TenOhms 10y agoI'd take someone being completely honest with me 100% of time over someone who thinks one thing of me and tells me something else. The thing is, people act based on their beliefs the vast majority of the time. So to borrow your example, say the friend doesn't complain about his buddy playing Overwatch all the time. Do you think that he'll just wait around to see if he'll stop playing or do you think he'll start to ignore his friend and go find other friends whom he shares the same interests with? Without honesty, the friend playing overwatch too much will have no external cues that his behavior is damaging his friendships.
- duaneb 10y agoYou can reduce any action to being selfish and manipulative to some end. This doesn't mean it's a useful thing to point out.