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PROTIP: 1. Have a longterm vision/goal for your life that is achievable regardless of financial resources/location etc. 2. Find a partner in crime who shares

PROTIP: 1. Have a longterm vision/goal for your life that is achievable regardless of financial resources/location etc. 2. Find a partner in crime who shares that vision and is willing to join you on what will surely be a great adventure known as your life. Life will surely be no bed of roses. 3. Stress Test your relationship in some way to ensure the vision/goal is aligned. I decided I should marry my wife following 6 months of hard travel through South America. I figured if we passed that test, we could handle pretty much anything. EDIT: Appreciate all the comments. I have actually been married now for 10 years and have 3 kids. So while its true that the "Test" I am describing cannot mimic the tough slog of real-life, how exactly do you propose to mimic the difficulty of raising kids? If I were to speak to my 20 something self I would still recommend a difficult trip is an easy way to see how easily your relationship will come apart under stress, mainly because you are coming up against unknown/uncomfortable situations and factors.

alashley 10y ago
Good plan. I find the same thing goes for friendships too. The more things friends have endured together, the more likely they are to stick together in the long run.
sgdread 10y ago
There're random factors you can't control. Good example is post-partum depression. Every child birth is 20% chance; once happening, it can significantly change both partners.
- Aelinsaar 10y ago
  So don't have kids, we're not running out of people after all.
  - Razengan 10y ago
    Or adopt already born ones that don't have much of a chance otherwise.
    - nostrebored 10y ago
      The myth of unadopted babies/kids is pervasive and pretty inaccurate. Most babies and small children who are up for adoption have multiple families vying to bring them home already... If you want to talk about adopting preteens/teens/special needs children then it's a different ball game, but that's not what people try to do.
      - Razengan 10y ago
        Yes, I wasn't implying an age limit on adoption. However, I think there's almost always some amount of self-interest in having kids: Me and my girlfriend despise babies (for now) and simply don't see ourselves as being responsible/mature enough to raise kids yet. We do entertain the idea though, now and then, and for us the main attractions of having kids seem to be: Something we made together, a "substitute" of each other to live for after one of us dies, and something to carry on our legacy, such as it is. With adoption, these things can be fulfilled if the child is young enough, to be molded into our image, as it were. That's not to say that love for an orphan, no matter how old, cannot happen. Of course there can be selfless adoptions, where you just want to make someone's life better without regard to yourselves.
        nostrebored 10y ago
        I hope there is some self-interest in having kids! One thing that I hope to impart on my child is that martyrdom is a terrible go-to practice. The goal I have with raising my child isn't to create a miniature version of myself, it's to raise an autonomous individual with a robust moral framework. As far as self-interest goes, sharing this experience with my partner is one of the things I look forward to most over the next few years.
        Razengan 10y ago
        That is still your legacy; if you succeed he or her will have grown up to be an autonomous individual with a robust moral framework, because of you. He/she will still be what you wanted him/her to be. But what if the child's own will decides to become an evil overlord instead?
  - andrewfromx 10y ago
    such a valid choice! We should have irreversible sterilization ceremonies for couples that want to decide at age 30 they wish to remain married without kids for the rest of their lives. The trouble with the choice now without sterilization is the option to have kids is always there and available. i.e. if u have a kid the domino falls in one direction. But if you choose not to have a kid the domino never falls. People will say "irreversible sterilization" sounds so permanment! But so is your first kid.
    - andrewfromx 10y ago
      why all the down votes? This would be optional! Just like a couple decides to have kids, they can decide to do this.
      - fizzbatter 10y ago
        Honestly, i feel like there is a lot of sarcastic tones in these threads... so pardon my ignorance if i miss any obvious wit. With that said, i've always liked the idea of reversible sterilization as a standard. It is of course a worrisome proposition to suggest we forcefully sterilize people.. which i'm not exactly saying. I'm simply saying, what an interesting world would it be if reproduction was never by accident, and always intended.
  - fizzbatter 10y ago
    Not sure why you're downvoted. I suppose you're not contributing too much to the conversation, and it seems a little sarcastic (or something), but i often feel not having kids is a forgotten option. My SO and I chose long ago not to have kids (independently, fwiw), and people often look at us like we have two heads (.. each, heh).
    - Aelinsaar 10y ago
      People don't like to question the basic assumptions they live with, such as, "Having children is a necessary part of a good and fulfilled life."
      - Mz 10y ago
        I didn't downvote, but if I had, it wouldn't be for that reason. It would be because having kids or not having kids is something many people speak of cavalierly as if it is totally in our control and this is often not true. If birth control fails, there are places where abortion is hard to come by (including large parts of the U.S., from what I gather). These attitudes disproportionately negatively impact women. Much of human sexual morality is rooted in the thorny issue that mother nature makes sex pleasurable in large part to get you to reproduce and efforts to enjoy sex without it leading to babies are often unsuccessful. So, we have a long human tradition of things like shotgun weddings.
        Aelinsaar 10y ago
        If every comment you come across accounts for the full spectrum of human and geopolitical variability, they would stop being comments and start being novellas.
        Mz 10y ago
        It is possible to leave comments that are not novellas and that also are not sweepingly dismissive of underlying reality. All birth control methods have failure rates. None of them promises 100% protection -- except celibacy (assuming no one gets raped), which most married couples are not keen to practice.
  - ArtDev 10y ago
    Depending on your race. https://ourworldindata.org/future-world-population-growth/#world-population-by-world-regions-1400-to-2100-max-roserref https://ourworldindata.org/future-world-population-growth/#w...
  - mooseburger 10y ago
    Much of the developed world is indeed running out of people though.
- deleted 10y ago
  [deleted]
glibgil 10y ago
handle pretty much anything for six months Check back in six years, then fifteen, then twenty
- up_and_up 10y ago
  See edit.
deleted 10y ago
[deleted]
pinaceae 10y ago
no. you tested with a lot of externalities keeping life exciting. the real stress is being together through the daily, normal grind. in particular kids. where traveling for 6months through SA becomes unattainable - but you still remember those good old days. the 7 year itch is very real and closely tracks having kids. what you describe is the 20something vision of life. changes drastically mid-30s for most.
- up_and_up 10y ago
  See edit.
dagw 10y ago
I figured if we passed that test, we could handle pretty much anything. A relationship isn't hard when you are on an adventure and experiencing new things and facing new challenges. Relationships become hard when you have spent a few years in a daily rut of kids, work, house work, bills repeat repeat repeat.
- 55555 10y ago
  To be fair, both scenarios are known to stress them. I have known many couples who met, were fine for months, and then went on a trip together and broke up. Traveling with someone can be very stressful.
tomp 10y ago
> 1. Have a longterm vision/goal for your life that is achievable regardless of financial resources/location etc. What's yours?
deleted 10y ago
[deleted]
koolba 10y ago
Counter tips: > 1. Have a longterm vision/goal for your life that is achievable regardless of financial resources/location etc. 1. Plan for financial long term future but focus on the fun in the short term. Also, good fun is a cheap fun so it's not mutually exclusive with the previous sentence. > 2. Find a partner in crime who shares that vision and is willing to join you on what will surely be a great adventure known as your life. Life will surely be no bed of roses. 2. Don't try to find anybody. Choose science! [1] > 3. Stress Test your relationship in some way to ensure the vision/goal is aligned. 3. Life has enough natural stresses that time alone is a decent enough indicator. [1]: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rWunrNejmA https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rWunrNejmA
- dozzie 10y ago
  > 2. Don't try to find anybody. Choose science! [1] "Sience! I'll kill you!" (Ahmed Scientist)
ovulator 10y ago
Handle six months of adventure together? Try eight years of monotony. I guess if you have the monetary means and nothing to tie you down to a monotonous lifestyle, this will be avoided. But for the standard 2 kids 9-5, good luck. Not saying it isn't a stress test, but it just isn't the same. And the unfortunate truth is there is no test other than actually doing it.

alashley 10y ago

Good plan. I find the same thing goes for friendships too. The more things friends have endured together, the more likely they are to stick together in the long run.

sgdread 10y ago

There're random factors you can't control. Good example is post-partum depression. Every child birth is 20% chance; once happening, it can significantly change both partners.

Aelinsaar 10y ago
So don't have kids, we're not running out of people after all.
- Razengan 10y ago
  Or adopt already born ones that don't have much of a chance otherwise.
  - nostrebored 10y ago
    The myth of unadopted babies/kids is pervasive and pretty inaccurate. Most babies and small children who are up for adoption have multiple families vying to bring them home already... If you want to talk about adopting preteens/teens/special needs children then it's a different ball game, but that's not what people try to do.
    - Razengan 10y ago
      Yes, I wasn't implying an age limit on adoption. However, I think there's almost always some amount of self-interest in having kids: Me and my girlfriend despise babies (for now) and simply don't see ourselves as being responsible/mature enough to raise kids yet. We do entertain the idea though, now and then, and for us the main attractions of having kids seem to be: Something we made together, a "substitute" of each other to live for after one of us dies, and something to carry on our legacy, such as it is. With adoption, these things can be fulfilled if the child is young enough, to be molded into our image, as it were. That's not to say that love for an orphan, no matter how old, cannot happen. Of course there can be selfless adoptions, where you just want to make someone's life better without regard to yourselves.
      - nostrebored 10y ago
        I hope there is some self-interest in having kids! One thing that I hope to impart on my child is that martyrdom is a terrible go-to practice. The goal I have with raising my child isn't to create a miniature version of myself, it's to raise an autonomous individual with a robust moral framework. As far as self-interest goes, sharing this experience with my partner is one of the things I look forward to most over the next few years.
        Razengan 10y ago
        That is still your legacy; if you succeed he or her will have grown up to be an autonomous individual with a robust moral framework, because of you. He/she will still be what you wanted him/her to be. But what if the child's own will decides to become an evil overlord instead?
- andrewfromx 10y ago
  such a valid choice! We should have irreversible sterilization ceremonies for couples that want to decide at age 30 they wish to remain married without kids for the rest of their lives. The trouble with the choice now without sterilization is the option to have kids is always there and available. i.e. if u have a kid the domino falls in one direction. But if you choose not to have a kid the domino never falls. People will say "irreversible sterilization" sounds so permanment! But so is your first kid.
  - andrewfromx 10y ago
    why all the down votes? This would be optional! Just like a couple decides to have kids, they can decide to do this.
    - fizzbatter 10y ago
      Honestly, i feel like there is a lot of sarcastic tones in these threads... so pardon my ignorance if i miss any obvious wit. With that said, i've always liked the idea of reversible sterilization as a standard. It is of course a worrisome proposition to suggest we forcefully sterilize people.. which i'm not exactly saying. I'm simply saying, what an interesting world would it be if reproduction was never by accident, and always intended.
- fizzbatter 10y ago
  Not sure why you're downvoted. I suppose you're not contributing too much to the conversation, and it seems a little sarcastic (or something), but i often feel not having kids is a forgotten option. My SO and I chose long ago not to have kids (independently, fwiw), and people often look at us like we have two heads (.. each, heh).
  - Aelinsaar 10y ago
    People don't like to question the basic assumptions they live with, such as, "Having children is a necessary part of a good and fulfilled life."
    - Mz 10y ago
      I didn't downvote, but if I had, it wouldn't be for that reason. It would be because having kids or not having kids is something many people speak of cavalierly as if it is totally in our control and this is often not true. If birth control fails, there are places where abortion is hard to come by (including large parts of the U.S., from what I gather). These attitudes disproportionately negatively impact women. Much of human sexual morality is rooted in the thorny issue that mother nature makes sex pleasurable in large part to get you to reproduce and efforts to enjoy sex without it leading to babies are often unsuccessful. So, we have a long human tradition of things like shotgun weddings.
      - Aelinsaar 10y ago
        If every comment you come across accounts for the full spectrum of human and geopolitical variability, they would stop being comments and start being novellas.
        Mz 10y ago
        It is possible to leave comments that are not novellas and that also are not sweepingly dismissive of underlying reality. All birth control methods have failure rates. None of them promises 100% protection -- except celibacy (assuming no one gets raped), which most married couples are not keen to practice.
- ArtDev 10y ago
  Depending on your race. https://ourworldindata.org/future-world-population-growth/#world-population-by-world-regions-1400-to-2100-max-roserref https://ourworldindata.org/future-world-population-growth/#w...
- mooseburger 10y ago
  Much of the developed world is indeed running out of people though.
deleted 10y ago
[deleted]

glibgil 10y ago

handle pretty much anything for six months Check back in six years, then fifteen, then twenty

up_and_up 10y ago
See edit.

deleted 10y ago

[deleted]

pinaceae 10y ago

no. you tested with a lot of externalities keeping life exciting. the real stress is being together through the daily, normal grind. in particular kids. where traveling for 6months through SA becomes unattainable - but you still remember those good old days. the 7 year itch is very real and closely tracks having kids. what you describe is the 20something vision of life. changes drastically mid-30s for most.

up_and_up 10y ago
See edit.

dagw 10y ago

I figured if we passed that test, we could handle pretty much anything. A relationship isn't hard when you are on an adventure and experiencing new things and facing new challenges. Relationships become hard when you have spent a few years in a daily rut of kids, work, house work, bills repeat repeat repeat.

55555 10y ago
To be fair, both scenarios are known to stress them. I have known many couples who met, were fine for months, and then went on a trip together and broke up. Traveling with someone can be very stressful.

tomp 10y ago

> 1. Have a longterm vision/goal for your life that is achievable regardless of financial resources/location etc. What's yours?

deleted 10y ago

[deleted]

koolba 10y ago

Counter tips: > 1. Have a longterm vision/goal for your life that is achievable regardless of financial resources/location etc. 1. Plan for financial long term future but focus on the fun in the short term. Also, good fun is a cheap fun so it's not mutually exclusive with the previous sentence. > 2. Find a partner in crime who shares that vision and is willing to join you on what will surely be a great adventure known as your life. Life will surely be no bed of roses. 2. Don't try to find anybody. Choose science! [1] > 3. Stress Test your relationship in some way to ensure the vision/goal is aligned. 3. Life has enough natural stresses that time alone is a decent enough indicator. [1]: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rWunrNejmA https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rWunrNejmA

dozzie 10y ago
> 2. Don't try to find anybody. Choose science! [1] "Sience! I'll kill you!" (Ahmed Scientist)

ovulator 10y ago

Handle six months of adventure together? Try eight years of monotony. I guess if you have the monetary means and nothing to tie you down to a monotonous lifestyle, this will be avoided. But for the standard 2 kids 9-5, good luck. Not saying it isn't a stress test, but it just isn't the same. And the unfortunate truth is there is no test other than actually doing it.