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You're underestimating the effect of coffee dependence. The coffee is an effect, the dependence is a cause. The anxiety, stress and suicidal depression are no

by brador 11y ago

You're underestimating the effect of coffee dependence. The coffee is an effect, the dependence is a cause. The anxiety, stress and suicidal depression are not normal. Consider, is you life worth the pay you're getting for this? $150 a day to be driven insane? Most would say no, except to self deprecate, which your neurosis predilects you toward. As a Stoic I recommend this: http://www.forumromanum.org/literature/seneca_younger/brev_e.html http://www.forumromanum.org/literature/seneca_younger/brev_e... As a friend, i'd say it's time to see a therapist, doc, or talk it out with someone close or who can help. The truth, what you're doing now is unsustainable and makes you unhappy. Step 1 is acknowledging that. Step 2 is realising you can change anything. Imagine if you'd never chosen this career path. It could have happened, so why stick with it?

madaxe_again 11y ago
Ah, but I'm not an employee - I'm a founder/director, and have 40 people directly dependent on me keeping going for their livelihoods, and thousands (maybe tens of thousands) indirectly dependent. $150 a day isn't far off the mark though. So that's the rub - do I cave and leave a large number of people in the lurch, and deal with the much greater stress and anxiety that that will cause, or do I keep going. There's not really a choice - but there isn't really any such thing as choice, we just fool ourselves into thinking that we make decisions. In reality, shit just happens, and you roll with it. Edit: Oh, on the Shortness of Life is one of my favourite essays - but Seneca was Nero's chief advisor, and never had any particular responsibilities in life, so I take his rather epicurean for a stoic advice with a hefty lump of salt.
- louthy 11y ago
  With respect it sounds like you need to delegate. I don't know your situation, so apologies if that sounds presumptuous, but as a CTO I have experienced burnout and it's debilitating. In fact I'd say the last two weeks were the first where I've actually felt able to create and be productive since last September - where I felt I was close to a breakdown; but luckily it coincided with a planned holiday which allowed my brain to calm down (at least), but on return from the holiday I had zero productivity and motivation. I switched myself from dev+boss mode into just boss mode and delegated until I felt able to contribute again. I don't know if that would help in your situation?
  - madaxe_again 11y ago
    Oh, agreed - but see the bit about disciplinary meetings. Unfortunately I'm an anti-authoritarian, and have managed to fill a company with like minded people. This was fine while we were small and scrappy, fighting "the man" - thing is, we won, we are now "the man", it's become Serious Business, and my lieutenants are struggling to adapt to the shift in culture, to the degree that I find myself taking responsibility for everything. I'm struggling to adapt to the shift in culture. Sitting people down and telling them that being drunk at work isn't on isn't in my nature. I used to love being drunk at work - but that was five years ago, times have moved on. It's not easy taking off your duster and putting on a suit. Holiday, I need one. I was meant to have two weeks off last summer but instead spent six weeks in and out of hospital, trying not to die from an infection. Sometimes you just get dealt a bum hand, or you fuck up and make things hard for yourself - you just have to keep playing - leave the table and you've just got a boring cab ride home.
    - louthy 11y ago
      Maybe bring some of your closest lieutenants in and tell them that you're feeling close to breaking point and that you need them to take some slack for a while. Be honest an frank with them that you may need to walk (or be carried) away from it if something doesn't change quickly. Make use of the anti-authoritarian aspect of your setup to try and draft in some collective help?
      - nommm-nommm 11y ago
        Don't tell them you are close to the breaking point - that will make them question your judgements. But you have to be firm that things need to change. If lieutenants are subordinates (that part is not clear to me) lay out what needs to be done by who. If they are unwilling or unable to do the assigned tasks then fire them and replace them with people who will do their job. They are your employees not your bffs. If lieutenants are peers then this doesn't apply.
- marcosdumay 11y ago
  > I'm a founder/director, and have 40 people directly dependent on me keeping going for their livelihoods Don't think making yourself literally insane is the best way to help those people. I'll second the recommendation of stopping with the coffee. And seek help. (And no, choices do exist - we are not completely free, but not completely unfree either. You can make your life better.)

by brador 11y ago

madaxe_again 11y ago

Ah, but I'm not an employee - I'm a founder/director, and have 40 people directly dependent on me keeping going for their livelihoods, and thousands (maybe tens of thousands) indirectly dependent. $150 a day isn't far off the mark though. So that's the rub - do I cave and leave a large number of people in the lurch, and deal with the much greater stress and anxiety that that will cause, or do I keep going. There's not really a choice - but there isn't really any such thing as choice, we just fool ourselves into thinking that we make decisions. In reality, shit just happens, and you roll with it. Edit: Oh, on the Shortness of Life is one of my favourite essays - but Seneca was Nero's chief advisor, and never had any particular responsibilities in life, so I take his rather epicurean for a stoic advice with a hefty lump of salt.

louthy 11y ago
With respect it sounds like you need to delegate. I don't know your situation, so apologies if that sounds presumptuous, but as a CTO I have experienced burnout and it's debilitating. In fact I'd say the last two weeks were the first where I've actually felt able to create and be productive since last September - where I felt I was close to a breakdown; but luckily it coincided with a planned holiday which allowed my brain to calm down (at least), but on return from the holiday I had zero productivity and motivation. I switched myself from dev+boss mode into just boss mode and delegated until I felt able to contribute again. I don't know if that would help in your situation?
- madaxe_again 11y ago
  Oh, agreed - but see the bit about disciplinary meetings. Unfortunately I'm an anti-authoritarian, and have managed to fill a company with like minded people. This was fine while we were small and scrappy, fighting "the man" - thing is, we won, we are now "the man", it's become Serious Business, and my lieutenants are struggling to adapt to the shift in culture, to the degree that I find myself taking responsibility for everything. I'm struggling to adapt to the shift in culture. Sitting people down and telling them that being drunk at work isn't on isn't in my nature. I used to love being drunk at work - but that was five years ago, times have moved on. It's not easy taking off your duster and putting on a suit. Holiday, I need one. I was meant to have two weeks off last summer but instead spent six weeks in and out of hospital, trying not to die from an infection. Sometimes you just get dealt a bum hand, or you fuck up and make things hard for yourself - you just have to keep playing - leave the table and you've just got a boring cab ride home.
  - louthy 11y ago
    Maybe bring some of your closest lieutenants in and tell them that you're feeling close to breaking point and that you need them to take some slack for a while. Be honest an frank with them that you may need to walk (or be carried) away from it if something doesn't change quickly. Make use of the anti-authoritarian aspect of your setup to try and draft in some collective help?
    - nommm-nommm 11y ago
      Don't tell them you are close to the breaking point - that will make them question your judgements. But you have to be firm that things need to change. If lieutenants are subordinates (that part is not clear to me) lay out what needs to be done by who. If they are unwilling or unable to do the assigned tasks then fire them and replace them with people who will do their job. They are your employees not your bffs. If lieutenants are peers then this doesn't apply.
marcosdumay 11y ago
> I'm a founder/director, and have 40 people directly dependent on me keeping going for their livelihoods Don't think making yourself literally insane is the best way to help those people. I'll second the recommendation of stopping with the coffee. And seek help. (And no, choices do exist - we are not completely free, but not completely unfree either. You can make your life better.)