9 ms·

As a 30-something year old woman on Tinder I agree. Among my female friends, everyone is sorting through Tinder for relationship-signaling behavior. What does t

• hodwik 11y ago
  You say men are still looking for attractiveness, and women are still looking for stability? Imagine that. Glad to hear Tinder hasn't uprooted our most basic animal instincts.
• saturdaysaint 11y ago
  Great point. It's also telling how you offhandedly refer to "everyone" of your female friends sorting through Tinder - another thing the gp poster misses is how strong the network effects are! I've been off of it for 2 years, but even then, Tinder had quickly become basically the only game in town. For almost all single people I've met in recent years in a variety of communities (college/grad-school aged, many professional circles) it's just the default method of dating.
  • ebrowndowntown 11y ago
    Yes, absolutely. Other apps are promising--especially Bumble--but Tinder has the quantity. If dating is a numbers game, you're more likely to win on Tinder.
    • Jtsummers 11y ago
      My main problem with Bumble was the lack of women on it (small network). The "women start communication" part was interesting, but ultimately frustrating. I'd have a dozen matches, and one would talk to me, maybe. I think this is going to turn more men off the service in the long run.
      • wsinks 11y ago
        Yeah, I've basically given up on it. I'm not convinced that there's a single real woman on there actively, and I have some girl friends that are on there.
      • therealdrag0 11y ago
        But is that really a different experience than messaging a dozen women and getting, maybe, one reply?
        • Jtsummers 11y ago
          Yes. At least I've done something more than just swiping and tried to reach out on the other platforms. It's still frustrating but not as bad as seeing dozens of potential connections made and then slip away before even a single word is said.
    • rsmsky1 11y ago
      I'm a woman and I tried Bumble but no one matched with me. For that reason, I think other apps are better.
    • Kalium 11y ago
      Bumble has the problem that women treat it like Tinder - swipe right once in a blue moon and wait for matched men to make the first move.
• p4wnc6 11y ago
  I am a 30-year-old man, healthy, moderately attractive, athletic, intelligent, and this frightens the shit out of me. I am very relationship-minded, but after having a couple of very long-term relationships that began online, I am seeking some damn serendipity for the next relationship. The thought of women swiping (either direction) in response to some fleeting half-glimpse mostly based on how well I could choose photos that overstate my attractiveness is seriously a distressing idea. The shift in the way people perceive online dating stresses me out. In general it makes me feel that I would not be considered or evaluated in serendipitous real-life encounters, because everyone has filed away "dating" to be "that thing I screen for on Tinder." People you meet in random circumstances, and who might strike up a conversation about going on a date, are now universally panned, perhaps because there is a risk factor with meeting a stranger that way that feels mitigated on a platform like Tinder. But whatever it is, it means that non-empty, substantive, 3-D interactions out in the real world are heavily discounted compared to what I really feel are hollow, checkout-line-candy-bar low-substance representations of our selves (e.g. Tinder profile, OKCupid profile) ... I'm very secure with being alone, so I think my only realistic hope is that later on, maybe when I am 35 or maybe when I am 40, some single women in the age range I am seeking will stop viewing it this way, and someone they happen to meet when they are out doing something will again be evaluated as a possible partner. I've more or less resigned myself to being alone and missing out on sexual opportunities between now and then. I don't consent to being evaluated the Tinder way ... and I'm just gonna go ahead and keep on not consenting to that. I can only speak about the male perspective on this ... but I imagine the same would be true for females, except that it seems likely that a higher proportion of male Tinder users are seeking casual sex. As a result, something like Tinder is well-suited to women who either do want casual sex, or who want to screen against people seeking only that. It doesn't seem to offer reciprocal utility for a male in my situation. I think I'd feel less stressed if everyone was just using Tinder for casual sex. It's probably just torschlusspanik anyway O_o ...
  • cloudjacker 11y ago
    "The thought of women swiping (either direction) in response to some fleeting half-glimpse mostly based on how well I could choose photos that overstate my attractiveness is seriously a distressing idea." If you like having lots of women around, this same concept works outside of apps, in the physical world. Yes, it is distressing if you aren't interested in doing that. People eventually want the luxury of not being judged this way while having the emotional attachment to someone.
• nether 11y ago
  As a conventionally unattractive guy (short, non-white), Tinder has been abysmal for me. Match rate of 2/500 swipes, back when the auto-swipe apps worked. And then most of the most matches were horrifically unattractive. OkCupid produced vastly higher quality matches for me, probably because the profile text and questions let me expand on my personality more. I used the same photos on both profiles. Tinder seems only useful for conventionally attractive men. I have never gotten a Tinder match who was remotely more attractive than me, but I had plenty on OkCupid and a few on Bumble. Also, regarding the shirtless selfie. It's highly effective for men who have muscles: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-4-big-myths-of-profile-pictures/ http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-4-big-myths-of-profile.... This is in line with the old male chestnut "what women say they want is not what they want," women strongly side toward only vocalizing preferences that reflect well upon them.
  • Chinjut 11y ago
    You're not alone. This short non-white guy has also found Tinder abysmal and self-esteem thrashing, with only a couple matches after hundreds upon hundreds of swipes. (Unlike your comment, I won't dismiss those matches as unattractive, which would be unfair, but the fact that the very few matches I have gotten have been the same color as me suggests to a paranoid mind more than just coincidence regarding all the other rejections...). Like you, I've had much better luck with OkCupid, which makes it distressing that the online dating population in general seems to be shifting from OkCupid type sites to Tinder type ones.
    • gohrt 11y ago
      > with only a couple matches after hundreds upon hundreds of swipes. This isn't you being ugly, this is you misapprehending the math. a couple matches after hundreds of swipes is regular average successful male mating behavior.
      • eru 11y ago
        Hmm, OKCupid seemed to have a much higher reply rate---something like 30-50%. (But haven't used for three years, since I'm not single anymore.)
• k__ 11y ago
  lol, are those really the pictures that women want? This sounds too much like the stereotypical stuff women want and less like actual things a individual would consider worth while.
  • whitegrape 11y ago
    30-something.
• wehadfun 11y ago
  Your website https://upyourtindergame.com/ https://upyourtindergame.com/ - Are you a Tinder consultant?
  • ebrowndowntown 11y ago
    I am. But I came across this thread and wanted to share my experience and what has been shared with me by women in several focus groups. I don't have the experience of being a man on Tinder, but I can tell you from my experience that most men don't market themselves well. My approach is for guys to show what makes them unique, via text and pictures. As for the arguments above, 1) about how girls say they don't like muscle selfies, and then do like them, or 2) about how girls don't like guys with dogs--honestly, its each to their own. I think its better to display things that are reflective of your personality than to show pictures designed to impress girls. So if you and your dog are inseparable, show that--they girls who like cats will find someone else, and you'll find your dog-lover.
    • nether 11y ago
      If you represent yourself accurately and make the selection process as transparent as possible for women, you will have success on Tinder. This optimizes the problem for women, which seems misplaced given that women already have an abundance of choice. It's designed to whittle down the field for women. For most men, the field is more barren and a different strategy makes more sense: appeal to as many women as possible, get your foot in the door with an actual date, then let your actual interaction determine further outcomes. > I don't have the experience of being a man on Tinder I think this is the fatal flaw. I'd value the advice of a man who looks like me who has managed to be successful on Tinder 100x over any woman's. He has faced the same challenges as I, you have not. It's the same as talking to a white person about racism, or trying to discuss gender privilege with a man. The privileged can speculate on the difficulties of the less privileged, but has never felt them. The gulf in life experience has an enormous effect on quality of advice.
      • ebrowndowntown 11y ago
• jrnichols 11y ago
  "Men might try to use Tinder for hook-ups" that's traditionally what it's been for. The "long term relationship" crowd has literally every other dating app out there, but so many of them flooded onto Tinder to "just give it a try" that it changed things. "but the higher quality female users sort out male users who project this image" That comes across as kind of... snobby? "maybe a dog or picture of you doing something you are good at (i.e. surfing, dancing)." you'd be surprised how many other women complain about guys doing just that in photos.
  • ebrowndowntown 11y ago
    I think you're making a lot of assumptions. Traditionally? Tinder hasn't been around that long. I think of Tinder as a marketplace, just like a singles bar--some people are there to hook up and some people are there for a long term relationship. I'll take the criticism on labeling females who are looking for long term relationships as "high quality." I'm not judging anyone's motives. But I will stand by the sentiment that people are sorting for matches that meet their goals, and many women have #relationshipgoals. The women who complain about guys doing things in their photos don't have to match with those guys. They can match with non-dancers, non-surfers.
  • Grishnakh 11y ago
    >that's traditionally what it's been for. No, that's what it was for, and still is for, for the 18-25 crowd. When the older crowd started using it, their interest was different. >The "long term relationship" crowd has literally every other dating app out there, but so many of them flooded onto Tinder to "just give it a try" that it changed things. No, it was the 25+ and especially 30+ crowd flooding onto it that changed things. The reason they like it is because Tinder works better for both men and women. Men hate traditional dating sites because they spend all kinds of time looking through profiles, then writing messages, only to get no response. Women get overwhelmed on those sites by all the messages from men they have zero interest in. Tinder solves this problem by forcing both parties to respond affirmatively in order for communication to proceed. >you'd be surprised how many other women complain about guys doing just that in photos. I have no idea what you're complaining about here. I mainly look at 30-45 women, and they love pictures of men with dogs, and frequently say they'll swipe right just for a picture of a man with a dog. Sucks for me because I like cats and not dogs, but oh well. And women typically love dancing, so that's not going to repel them either. What they do complain about is shiftless selfies, selfies in the car, selfies in the bathroom, headless torsos, and pictures of the guy with a bunch of women.
• gohrt 11y ago
  Astroturfing doesn't work as well when your profile links to your financial motivation.
• Grishnakh 11y ago
  As an early-40s man on Tinder, I don't look at other men my age to see if they're looking for hookups or not, but I very, very rarely see women on there who are, and those who are tend to be younger (less than 30). Most women, especially the 30+ crowd, specifically say "no hookups" in their bios. However, I don't get many responses or matches, but I think that's mostly because of my distance. I only look for women who live over an hour from me, because that's where all the desirable women live, but they don't seem to be interested in dating a man that far away. So I guess I'm stuck being single until I can relocate myself closer.
  • e12e 11y ago
    I wonder how large part of "No hookups" is to avoid solicitation and requests for prostitution, as opposed to a genuine wish to avoid hookups.