5 ms·

'Tinder is not an app people seem to use to find "the one".' I think this is both true and not true. A suspicion I have (and I'm sure there's got to be researc

by n72 11y ago

'Tinder is not an app people seem to use to find "the one".' I think this is both true and not true. A suspicion I have (and I'm sure there's got to be research on this) is that a lot of people interested in casual dating/hooking up on Tinder and/or in bars are unconsciously looking for a long term mate. In some ways this is a very effective strategy, since you're cycling through a large number of potential mates to find one who meets some kind of acceptability threshold. I read somewhere (sorry can't find the reference), that extroverted, high frequency daters ended up in happier long term relationships simply because they had more selection, which on the face of it seems to make sense.

MasterScrat 11y ago
This is always what I tell my friends who have this "focus on work now, find someone and get married later" vision. You definitely can find someone in your late 20s if you have little relationship experience. But you won't be able to make an informed choice and will miss a lot of red flags.
- ap22213 11y ago
  On the other hand, there's a better chance that you'll get to know the real person after 30. There's less influence from friends and family. The person's identity has usually smoothed out. And, they generally know themselves better - their motivations and goals, their likes and dislikes and principles. They're usually more confident in themselves and open about it. There's a better chance to 'get what you see'. I recommend to all of my friends to not look for a marriage partner until after 30.
  - emodendroket 11y ago
    Well, on the other hand, by that age you've probably both got pretty established patterns that are harder to break as part of your marriage. I don't think there's necessarily a "right" age to do it.
    - rayiner 11y ago
      Studies show that the divorce rate among people who get married at 27+ is measurably lower than people who get married younger.
      - nostrebored 11y ago
        And that has nothing to do with the dating pool pre and post 30? All of my friends who are dating in their 30s complain about the typical dysfunctionally of the people they date.
      - tomp 10y ago
        Wouldn't that also bias towards people who spent more time in a relationship before getting married? Personally, I would never get married with someone unless I dated them for at least 2 (preferably 3) years. I'm hoping that in itself will make it much less likely that I get divorced.
      - emodendroket 10y ago
        I just don't think it's a case where "studies show" is all that helpful. You're trying to get insight into a relationship with which you are intimately familiar by looking at aggregate data of people whose relationships are all over the map in various ways. It's like trying to figure out your risk of getting into an accident by looking at statistics for drivers in your age group without taking into account years of experience, propensity for speeding, and so on.
- alistproducer2 11y ago
  Not true if you're a woman. The playing field shrinks as you get older, at least if you're looking for "good men."
  - ryandrake 11y ago
    Let's not kid ourselves, it shrinks for men too. As a 40 year old I thank my lucky stars that I'm out of the dating pool nowadays.
    - Jtsummers 11y ago
      It doesn't shrink as much. Mainly the result of societal pressure or expectations. Being a 33 year-old man, never married. That's "normal". If I were a woman, people would be asking me when I was going to get married and have kids (very much depends on area, but this is not at all uncommon). As a 33 year-old man, it's also not thought of as strange for me to date women in their early-to-mid 20s. The same is not true for women my age. Then there's also just how people tend to rate attractiveness, which is something that really matters in a lot of these online dating systems. Men are generally viewed as (physically) attractive at higher ages than women are. A few wrinkles on a guy, some gray. That makes him "distinguished". You don't here people saying that about women as often. The age range and feature-sets for what makes women attractive (again, this is emphasizing first impression attraction) are much narrower than for men.
      - marchenko 10y ago
        I suspect that men are simply judged on a wider feature set than women. women prefer younger men if judging on aesthetics alone (full head of hair, abdominal definition, clear skin), but place a lower priority on attractiveness and will tolerate signals of aging in men if they are accompanied by signals of wealth/cultivation/accomplishment. Men who are unaccomplished/uninteresting and also older will experience 'pool shrinkage' at a similar rate to women.
      - jrnichols 10y ago
        "Being a 33 year-old man, never married. That's "normal". " My experience was different. I was called a loser by more women than I could count because I wasn't ever married by then or had kids.
- Angostura 11y ago
  Be prepared to pivot?
- rsmsky1 10y ago
  I tried to focus on finding someone in my 20's and 30's and couldn't find anyone and now I'm in my 40's and I just give up. It's too time consuming etc. I've come to the realization that most likely there isn't anyone for me and my life would have been much better if I had focused completely work and not bothered with dating.
  - ChuckFrank 10y ago
    I mentioned it above, but have you looked into the MGTOW community? They feel the same way.
    - rsmsky1 10y ago
      Thanks but I'm a woman.

by n72 11y ago

MasterScrat 11y ago

This is always what I tell my friends who have this "focus on work now, find someone and get married later" vision. You definitely can find someone in your late 20s if you have little relationship experience. But you won't be able to make an informed choice and will miss a lot of red flags.

ap22213 11y ago
On the other hand, there's a better chance that you'll get to know the real person after 30. There's less influence from friends and family. The person's identity has usually smoothed out. And, they generally know themselves better - their motivations and goals, their likes and dislikes and principles. They're usually more confident in themselves and open about it. There's a better chance to 'get what you see'. I recommend to all of my friends to not look for a marriage partner until after 30.
- emodendroket 11y ago
  Well, on the other hand, by that age you've probably both got pretty established patterns that are harder to break as part of your marriage. I don't think there's necessarily a "right" age to do it.
  - rayiner 11y ago
    Studies show that the divorce rate among people who get married at 27+ is measurably lower than people who get married younger.
    - nostrebored 11y ago
      And that has nothing to do with the dating pool pre and post 30? All of my friends who are dating in their 30s complain about the typical dysfunctionally of the people they date.
    - tomp 10y ago
      Wouldn't that also bias towards people who spent more time in a relationship before getting married? Personally, I would never get married with someone unless I dated them for at least 2 (preferably 3) years. I'm hoping that in itself will make it much less likely that I get divorced.
    - emodendroket 10y ago
      I just don't think it's a case where "studies show" is all that helpful. You're trying to get insight into a relationship with which you are intimately familiar by looking at aggregate data of people whose relationships are all over the map in various ways. It's like trying to figure out your risk of getting into an accident by looking at statistics for drivers in your age group without taking into account years of experience, propensity for speeding, and so on.
alistproducer2 11y ago
Not true if you're a woman. The playing field shrinks as you get older, at least if you're looking for "good men."
- ryandrake 11y ago
  Let's not kid ourselves, it shrinks for men too. As a 40 year old I thank my lucky stars that I'm out of the dating pool nowadays.
  - Jtsummers 11y ago
    It doesn't shrink as much. Mainly the result of societal pressure or expectations. Being a 33 year-old man, never married. That's "normal". If I were a woman, people would be asking me when I was going to get married and have kids (very much depends on area, but this is not at all uncommon). As a 33 year-old man, it's also not thought of as strange for me to date women in their early-to-mid 20s. The same is not true for women my age. Then there's also just how people tend to rate attractiveness, which is something that really matters in a lot of these online dating systems. Men are generally viewed as (physically) attractive at higher ages than women are. A few wrinkles on a guy, some gray. That makes him "distinguished". You don't here people saying that about women as often. The age range and feature-sets for what makes women attractive (again, this is emphasizing first impression attraction) are much narrower than for men.
    - marchenko 10y ago
      I suspect that men are simply judged on a wider feature set than women. women prefer younger men if judging on aesthetics alone (full head of hair, abdominal definition, clear skin), but place a lower priority on attractiveness and will tolerate signals of aging in men if they are accompanied by signals of wealth/cultivation/accomplishment. Men who are unaccomplished/uninteresting and also older will experience 'pool shrinkage' at a similar rate to women.
    - jrnichols 10y ago
      "Being a 33 year-old man, never married. That's "normal". " My experience was different. I was called a loser by more women than I could count because I wasn't ever married by then or had kids.
Angostura 11y ago
Be prepared to pivot?
rsmsky1 10y ago
I tried to focus on finding someone in my 20's and 30's and couldn't find anyone and now I'm in my 40's and I just give up. It's too time consuming etc. I've come to the realization that most likely there isn't anyone for me and my life would have been much better if I had focused completely work and not bothered with dating.
- ChuckFrank 10y ago
  I mentioned it above, but have you looked into the MGTOW community? They feel the same way.
  - rsmsky1 10y ago
    Thanks but I'm a woman.