5 ms·

I recently had some counselling, and one thing the therapist spent a long time talking about was self-agency. It was something of a revelation for me. I realise

by J-dawg 11y ago

I recently had some counselling, and one thing the therapist spent a long time talking about was self-agency. It was something of a revelation for me. I realised I had essentially been drifting along in life for a long time, allowing decisions to be made for me and avoiding conflict wherever possible. He described self-agency as like a muscle that needs to be exercised, even in small day-to-day ways. A sense of self-agency seems to be fundamental to good mental health. >> Me personally, I have just one regret in life: that I didn't rob a bank when I had the chance. Oh come on, you can't just leave that hanging there. Hope you can share the story without incriminating yourself! EDIT: Great story, and for what it's worth I think you probably made the right decision. It could easily have ended up being the story of how a bright kid had his prospects ruined over the theft of 20 cents, because of the bank's "we always prosecute" policy and an over-zealous legal system.

JacobAldridge 11y ago
Cheers. Re: the Self-Agency stuff, I agree completely. I've personally selected the psychological viewing platform that "I create the whole of my own reality". [1] The key word is "whole" - with this perspective, I am 100% responsible for everything that happens in my world. I get cut off in traffic - I created that; a song comes on the radio - I created that song. Now, intellectually, it's complete BS. My brain will never accept that extreme level of self-agency. And I don't pretend I do an amazing job of living it all day every day. But from a happiness perspective? (Hence referring to it as a 'viewing platform' - one perspective on the world.) It's incredible. Fundamentally liberating because I don't live in a world of blame, excuses, regret, other people letting me down. Something incredible happens - I take full responsibility. Something terrible happens - I take full responsibility. Perhaps a little too 'out there' for most, but I'm happier than I was before and I believe that self-agency filter I choose for everything is the reason. [1] See http://www.openup.com.au http://www.openup.com.au And yep - I found them through my father. Man that guy knows everyone!
- J-dawg 11y ago
  I'm intrigued by your viewing platform. My brain instantly wants to reject it too. Also, it seems like it could lead to a lot of self-recrimination and beating yourself up. Why should I feel responsible for someone else cutting me up in traffic? I feel like I'm probably misunderstanding something fundamental. Seeing as we seem to be on the same wavelength I'd like to try harder to understand it. I have lived in a (self-created) world of blame, excuses and regret. Especially regret! Anything that helps to move away from that can only be a good thing.
  - overdrivetg 11y ago
    The way I've found to reframe that conversation: For some reason I chose for that person to cut me off in traffic. What message am I trying to send to myself? Or maybe by being cut off now, I prevented myself from being in a fatal accident a few minutes down the road... The other thing I find liberating about this platform is that you give yourself permission to always take responsibility for things. Someone is angry at you for something? No problem, sorry, my fault, I'll try and do better. If all they needed was to be heard/acknowledged/an apology, you're all good. I can't tell you how many situations are smoothed over with this one. And if they need more, you're in charge of deciding whether or not to offer it or to do something else. Very glad to see this come up on here!
  - JacobAldridge 11y ago
    Apologies for the delayed response - my email is in my profile, so feel free to drop me a note with yours and I'll send you some links etc that might be of use. Thanks for your sharing in this thread! Jacob
- csn 11y ago
  That reminds me of solipsism* : the idea that your own mind is the only thing surely existing and might contain everything else; the universe, other minds within. * https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solipsism https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solipsism
  - arethuza 11y ago
    Sometimes before falling asleep I wonder if the instance of my mind that wakes up is really the same mind or just someone else with the same memories and body as my mind. Fortunately this doesn't actually stop me falling asleep.
    - Tyr42 11y ago
      I have a friend who habitually says "goodbye forever" before going off to sleep. It makes you think.
johnchristopher 11y ago
> It was something of a revelation for me. I realised I had essentially been drifting along in life for a long time, allowing decisions to be made for me and avoiding conflict wherever possible. He described self-agency as like a muscle that needs to be exercised, even in small day-to-day ways. Really interesting. Did your counselor give you any `exercises' to start working on that ? Have you started implementing changes in your day-to-day life ? I am kind of living the same thing at the moment.
- J-dawg 11y ago
  Yes, he said to start with simple things like interacting with friends. Arrange to (e.g.) have dinner, pick the restaurant, invite the people you want to spend your time with. It sounds so trivial, but it hit me like a punch in the guts when I realised I hardly ever do anything like this. I've always gone along with whatever other people have planned, reassuring myself that I'm 'easy-going'. This is what he meant by 'exercising the muscle'. Get used to getting your own way, getting what you want from the world, and taking responsibility for any conflict that arises as a result. I guess the idea is that you become accustomed to getting what you want and taking responsibility when the decisions really matter. Even reading back what I've just written feels silly, and embarrassing to admit to. But I hope it's gone some way toward answering your question. DISCLAIMER: I'm a complete beginner at this stuff and very much still finding my own way. So please take anything I say with a pinch of salt and consider seeing a therapist yourself if you're still curious.
  - johnchristopher 11y ago
    Thank you for sharing that :).
    - J-dawg 11y ago
      You're very welcome. I found the whole experience pretty mind-blowing, the way a few minutes of talking to this guy could alter my whole perception of my life, past and present. I highly recommend giving it a go, even if you're not feeling depressed or anxious (although I was).

by J-dawg 11y ago

JacobAldridge 11y ago

Cheers. Re: the Self-Agency stuff, I agree completely. I've personally selected the psychological viewing platform that "I create the whole of my own reality". [1] The key word is "whole" - with this perspective, I am 100% responsible for everything that happens in my world. I get cut off in traffic - I created that; a song comes on the radio - I created that song. Now, intellectually, it's complete BS. My brain will never accept that extreme level of self-agency. And I don't pretend I do an amazing job of living it all day every day. But from a happiness perspective? (Hence referring to it as a 'viewing platform' - one perspective on the world.) It's incredible. Fundamentally liberating because I don't live in a world of blame, excuses, regret, other people letting me down. Something incredible happens - I take full responsibility. Something terrible happens - I take full responsibility. Perhaps a little too 'out there' for most, but I'm happier than I was before and I believe that self-agency filter I choose for everything is the reason. [1] See http://www.openup.com.au http://www.openup.com.au And yep - I found them through my father. Man that guy knows everyone!

J-dawg 11y ago
I'm intrigued by your viewing platform. My brain instantly wants to reject it too. Also, it seems like it could lead to a lot of self-recrimination and beating yourself up. Why should I feel responsible for someone else cutting me up in traffic? I feel like I'm probably misunderstanding something fundamental. Seeing as we seem to be on the same wavelength I'd like to try harder to understand it. I have lived in a (self-created) world of blame, excuses and regret. Especially regret! Anything that helps to move away from that can only be a good thing.
- overdrivetg 11y ago
  The way I've found to reframe that conversation: For some reason I chose for that person to cut me off in traffic. What message am I trying to send to myself? Or maybe by being cut off now, I prevented myself from being in a fatal accident a few minutes down the road... The other thing I find liberating about this platform is that you give yourself permission to always take responsibility for things. Someone is angry at you for something? No problem, sorry, my fault, I'll try and do better. If all they needed was to be heard/acknowledged/an apology, you're all good. I can't tell you how many situations are smoothed over with this one. And if they need more, you're in charge of deciding whether or not to offer it or to do something else. Very glad to see this come up on here!
- JacobAldridge 11y ago
  Apologies for the delayed response - my email is in my profile, so feel free to drop me a note with yours and I'll send you some links etc that might be of use. Thanks for your sharing in this thread! Jacob
csn 11y ago
That reminds me of solipsism* : the idea that your own mind is the only thing surely existing and might contain everything else; the universe, other minds within. * https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solipsism https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solipsism
- arethuza 11y ago
  Sometimes before falling asleep I wonder if the instance of my mind that wakes up is really the same mind or just someone else with the same memories and body as my mind. Fortunately this doesn't actually stop me falling asleep.
  - Tyr42 11y ago
    I have a friend who habitually says "goodbye forever" before going off to sleep. It makes you think.

johnchristopher 11y ago

> It was something of a revelation for me. I realised I had essentially been drifting along in life for a long time, allowing decisions to be made for me and avoiding conflict wherever possible. He described self-agency as like a muscle that needs to be exercised, even in small day-to-day ways. Really interesting. Did your counselor give you any `exercises' to start working on that ? Have you started implementing changes in your day-to-day life ? I am kind of living the same thing at the moment.

J-dawg 11y ago
Yes, he said to start with simple things like interacting with friends. Arrange to (e.g.) have dinner, pick the restaurant, invite the people you want to spend your time with. It sounds so trivial, but it hit me like a punch in the guts when I realised I hardly ever do anything like this. I've always gone along with whatever other people have planned, reassuring myself that I'm 'easy-going'. This is what he meant by 'exercising the muscle'. Get used to getting your own way, getting what you want from the world, and taking responsibility for any conflict that arises as a result. I guess the idea is that you become accustomed to getting what you want and taking responsibility when the decisions really matter. Even reading back what I've just written feels silly, and embarrassing to admit to. But I hope it's gone some way toward answering your question. DISCLAIMER: I'm a complete beginner at this stuff and very much still finding my own way. So please take anything I say with a pinch of salt and consider seeing a therapist yourself if you're still curious.
- johnchristopher 11y ago
  Thank you for sharing that :).
  - J-dawg 11y ago
    You're very welcome. I found the whole experience pretty mind-blowing, the way a few minutes of talking to this guy could alter my whole perception of my life, past and present. I highly recommend giving it a go, even if you're not feeling depressed or anxious (although I was).