9 ms·

"When I got a Facebook account in 2006 he found me again and, not wanting to be rude, I accepted his friend request." It's hard to understand why, having previ

"When I got a Facebook account in 2006 he found me again and, not wanting to be rude, I accepted his friend request." It's hard to understand why, having previously already blocked this person elsewhere, they would accept a friend request from them. I suppose now, 10 years later, one can hope that people exact greater control over their online social networks.

Mithaldu 11y ago
We all make mistakes, especially when a situation does not seem particularly bad/urgent yet.
swiley 11y ago
I really hate it when people act this way, now I feel the obligation to try and read their mind and figure out if what I'm doing is upsetting them or not.
- nostrebored 11y ago
  The responsibility to be socially aware is your own. The responsibility to not put people in awkward situations is your own. One of the many reasons not to flirt with people in service jobs.
  - striking 11y ago
    I find this concept questionable. There is a difference between someone who is legitimately stalking someone who very clearly does not want to be followed around (and they are aware of this!), and someone who is being really, really awkward (but totally unaware of the pain they are causing). What would you suggest the socially awkward person who doesn't understand that they're stalking do? You can't simply wish people were more socially self-aware, and to do so ignores a very large population of people who have trouble with social situations for reasons beyond their control.
    - nostrebored 11y ago
      A difference to whom? Because I'm pretty sure the stalkee probably thinks they've been clear, and the stalker probably thinks that they aren't being a nuisance. The impact is roughly the same, you scare, creep out, and reduce someone's quality of life. A large population of people are not held accountable for their social ineptitude, which yields no incentive to be better. Reasons beyond their control is also something I'm skeptical of. I've known plenty of autistic people, and the thing that has separated the genuinely kind from the rest had been a large amount of effort poured in to becoming more socially aware. The attitude we have that some people are above reproach doesn't really help anyone.
      - striking 11y ago
        I'm not advocating for putting people above reproach. And I'm alright with people being held accountable for social ineptitude. But I draw the line at awareness: are they aware that the person doesn't want to be communicated to? I'm not interested in whether they think they're a nuisance or not (no one will ever admit to being one anyway), but having enough social awareness to understand that you are making a mistake and then doing it anyway is where I think "stalking" exists. Simply being "inept," I don't know if people can be held accountable for that. I personally couldn't blame someone who was too inept to understand that they were talking to someone who didn't want to be talked to. But once someone has specifically said they don't want to be talked to, it's pretty obvious.
fpgaminer 11y ago
Makes sense to me. Time heals all wounds, and people tend to want to forgive and get along. In addition, because the author was exposed to this kind of behavior at a young age, I suspect they thought of it as normal. It's hard to know what kind of behavior is right and what kind is wrong when you're young, so you just absorb it from your environment. If you don't see behavior being punished, you'll assume that behavior is normal/acceptable.
scotty79 11y ago
Firstly I'd like to state that there's no justification for what this guy is doing. Making somebody's life intentionally and persistently miserable can have no justification. The story basically starts with a boy falling in love with a girl that won't love him back. She's still using interaction with him for her purposes though. Then the boy grows into a man and his addiction to a person gets deformed into addiction to harming this person in non-violent ways. That's what happens to some people. Happens in marriages too. If teenagers are weird adults are way weirder. I went similar route. I had it easier than this guy. I fell in love at the age of 16 (so later than him). I already had one episode of unrequited love earlier (probably around age of 12) which was extremely wisely ended by my love interest and friend by cutting all (and I mean all) contact with me when she learned about it. This second girl I spent about 7 years addicted to. I was her friend. Even after she learned that I'm in love with her she still kept me around. Used me for comfort. Used me even as a rebound when she needed to ditch her second boyfriend whom she loved but who apparently got bored with her (in my state of mind I was more than happy to help). Who knew how it all would end if I haven't made conscious decision to cut all contact. It was really hard. It took a year of manually steering away my thoughts from her. I had to vilify in my mind the person I loved. I had to ignore all pings from her (fortunately it was before Facebook, so just emails and texts) which fortunately wasn't that many of. When you are an addict every dose is something you need to be very careful about. She had new boyfriend at the time so she eventually forgot me and my brain formed mental scar tissue around pathways carved over the previous 7 years. I got comfortable, even happy. I met a girl who loved me and moved in with her (fortunately didn't get addicted again). 10 years later I meet object of my addiction on the street 100 meters from my new home where I live now. She's with another man, she's pregnant. She just accidentally lives in my neighborhood. I'm scared shitless. Fortunately I haven't met her again. I have no idea if she moved or still lives around. I don't get out much. She made one more attempt to contact me (through Facebook because I accepted her friend request, because everyone has capacity to be stupid occasionally). I answered with "?" She responded with something with something about staying at home with child broadening horizons. I responded with image that basically implies that she finds her child boring. Which she somewhat acknowledged and fortunately haven't contacted me ever since. I can imagine many points in my history when I might have turned into a stalker. If I was more lonely, had less support from my family, was less intelligent, was less introspective, had less knowledge or interest in psychology, had less awareness about how my feelings are not necessarily my identity... It could have turned ugly for everybody. Brother of my mother was an alcoholic. I might be prone to addiction. I binge watch series. I binge game. I'm addicted to news. But I'm also addicted to learning new things and to figuring why stuff doesn't work when it should. The only addiction that severely harmed me was to a person. But I see I lucked out when I read stories like these. Issue of stalking is real and I hope in the future there'll be a lot more research about this and that efficient ways to mitigate this will be developed. I think whatever the solution is it involves stalker getting psychological or psychiatric help.

Mithaldu 11y ago

We all make mistakes, especially when a situation does not seem particularly bad/urgent yet.

swiley 11y ago

I really hate it when people act this way, now I feel the obligation to try and read their mind and figure out if what I'm doing is upsetting them or not.

nostrebored 11y ago
The responsibility to be socially aware is your own. The responsibility to not put people in awkward situations is your own. One of the many reasons not to flirt with people in service jobs.
- striking 11y ago
  I find this concept questionable. There is a difference between someone who is legitimately stalking someone who very clearly does not want to be followed around (and they are aware of this!), and someone who is being really, really awkward (but totally unaware of the pain they are causing). What would you suggest the socially awkward person who doesn't understand that they're stalking do? You can't simply wish people were more socially self-aware, and to do so ignores a very large population of people who have trouble with social situations for reasons beyond their control.
  - nostrebored 11y ago
    A difference to whom? Because I'm pretty sure the stalkee probably thinks they've been clear, and the stalker probably thinks that they aren't being a nuisance. The impact is roughly the same, you scare, creep out, and reduce someone's quality of life. A large population of people are not held accountable for their social ineptitude, which yields no incentive to be better. Reasons beyond their control is also something I'm skeptical of. I've known plenty of autistic people, and the thing that has separated the genuinely kind from the rest had been a large amount of effort poured in to becoming more socially aware. The attitude we have that some people are above reproach doesn't really help anyone.
    - striking 11y ago
      I'm not advocating for putting people above reproach. And I'm alright with people being held accountable for social ineptitude. But I draw the line at awareness: are they aware that the person doesn't want to be communicated to? I'm not interested in whether they think they're a nuisance or not (no one will ever admit to being one anyway), but having enough social awareness to understand that you are making a mistake and then doing it anyway is where I think "stalking" exists. Simply being "inept," I don't know if people can be held accountable for that. I personally couldn't blame someone who was too inept to understand that they were talking to someone who didn't want to be talked to. But once someone has specifically said they don't want to be talked to, it's pretty obvious.

fpgaminer 11y ago

Makes sense to me. Time heals all wounds, and people tend to want to forgive and get along. In addition, because the author was exposed to this kind of behavior at a young age, I suspect they thought of it as normal. It's hard to know what kind of behavior is right and what kind is wrong when you're young, so you just absorb it from your environment. If you don't see behavior being punished, you'll assume that behavior is normal/acceptable.

scotty79 11y ago

Firstly I'd like to state that there's no justification for what this guy is doing. Making somebody's life intentionally and persistently miserable can have no justification. The story basically starts with a boy falling in love with a girl that won't love him back. She's still using interaction with him for her purposes though. Then the boy grows into a man and his addiction to a person gets deformed into addiction to harming this person in non-violent ways. That's what happens to some people. Happens in marriages too. If teenagers are weird adults are way weirder. I went similar route. I had it easier than this guy. I fell in love at the age of 16 (so later than him). I already had one episode of unrequited love earlier (probably around age of 12) which was extremely wisely ended by my love interest and friend by cutting all (and I mean all) contact with me when she learned about it. This second girl I spent about 7 years addicted to. I was her friend. Even after she learned that I'm in love with her she still kept me around. Used me for comfort. Used me even as a rebound when she needed to ditch her second boyfriend whom she loved but who apparently got bored with her (in my state of mind I was more than happy to help). Who knew how it all would end if I haven't made conscious decision to cut all contact. It was really hard. It took a year of manually steering away my thoughts from her. I had to vilify in my mind the person I loved. I had to ignore all pings from her (fortunately it was before Facebook, so just emails and texts) which fortunately wasn't that many of. When you are an addict every dose is something you need to be very careful about. She had new boyfriend at the time so she eventually forgot me and my brain formed mental scar tissue around pathways carved over the previous 7 years. I got comfortable, even happy. I met a girl who loved me and moved in with her (fortunately didn't get addicted again). 10 years later I meet object of my addiction on the street 100 meters from my new home where I live now. She's with another man, she's pregnant. She just accidentally lives in my neighborhood. I'm scared shitless. Fortunately I haven't met her again. I have no idea if she moved or still lives around. I don't get out much. She made one more attempt to contact me (through Facebook because I accepted her friend request, because everyone has capacity to be stupid occasionally). I answered with "?" She responded with something with something about staying at home with child broadening horizons. I responded with image that basically implies that she finds her child boring. Which she somewhat acknowledged and fortunately haven't contacted me ever since. I can imagine many points in my history when I might have turned into a stalker. If I was more lonely, had less support from my family, was less intelligent, was less introspective, had less knowledge or interest in psychology, had less awareness about how my feelings are not necessarily my identity... It could have turned ugly for everybody. Brother of my mother was an alcoholic. I might be prone to addiction. I binge watch series. I binge game. I'm addicted to news. But I'm also addicted to learning new things and to figuring why stuff doesn't work when it should. The only addiction that severely harmed me was to a person. But I see I lucked out when I read stories like these. Issue of stalking is real and I hope in the future there'll be a lot more research about this and that efficient ways to mitigate this will be developed. I think whatever the solution is it involves stalker getting psychological or psychiatric help.