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I would argue that it's hard to build healthy relationship when you're _not_ okay being single. Needing a relationship to feel okay sets the ground for developi

by gelraen 11y ago

I would argue that it's hard to build healthy relationship when you're _not_ okay being single. Needing a relationship to feel okay sets the ground for developing codependency, which hurts everyone involved. Also, when you're actively looking for someone to have relationship with you look desperate, which scares people off. (Not to mention that having relationship itself as a goal, as opposed to wanting to build a relationship with the great person in front of you, is objectifying and most people would avoid being objectified)

JoeAltmaier 11y ago
'Need' is not always logical. You buy a car when you need one - and look desperate to the car salesman. But you need it, so you shop. More helpful advice is, how to shop intelligently when needy.
- gelraen 11y ago
  You need a car to do what? Most commonly, to transport your body from point A to point B. You can also consider other alternatives and pick one that (you think) works the best. I doubt that there is such a thing as "need to be in relationship", very often it is a cover for some other, deeper need, like "need to not feel alone", "need for social recognition", "need to feel secure" and so on. And unless that deeper need is realized and verbally communicated, there's a high chance that it won't be satisfied in the best possible way, if at all. Some of those needs even cannot be satisfied by another person (e.g. no one can cure your internal insecurities but yourself). It is your job, as a person, to work on realizing your actual needs. And once you do, you can ask another person to help you fulfill them. Another important difference between cars and people is that people are sentient beings with their own will and their own needs. And when people see that someone is treating them as a tool to fulfill their needs, before even getting to know them better, they are likely to avoid engaging in such activity.
  - bonoboTP 11y ago
    > deeper need, like "need to not feel alone", "need for social recognition", "need to feel secure" and so on Why is this such a big problem? We are social animals and like to be around others. And yes, part of it is social recognition, we mostly do what's expected in our culture and don't like to be the odd ones. Many people like to boast how unique and non-conformist they are, but deep down most of us want to be accepted. You could say there's no need for career achievements either, because then you're just a workoholic. There's no need for anything in particular. I don't like this sentiment that everyone must be a rock and steel-strong independent individual who never has to rely on others/relationships/family/society and just cuts through life like a knife through butter. Most of us aren't like that and if you listen to any successful person they will tell you how much they can thank other people (spouse, family, friends) for their support and how they couldn't have achieved the things they did without that support. The totally individualist mindset is not healthy I think (for most people). Of course I don't mean you should be desperate. But people in our lives are not just "supporting actors" in our movie, but a lot more important. They shape us in many ways.
    - gelraen 11y ago
      > Why is this such a big problem? These needs are not a problem. But not stating them clearly creates a problem, where you do what you think would help, but your needs are still not satisfied. > I don't like this sentiment that everyone must be a rock and steel-strong independent individual who never has to rely on others/relationships/family/society and just cuts through life like a knife through butter. I didn't say that either. The more clear and honest you are in expressing your needs to others – the more likely you to get them fulfilled. But for that you often need to do some work first; you can't rely on others to know your needs better then you.
cableshaft 11y ago
While I mostly agree with you, if someone acts like they don't want a relationship at all (or plays super hard to get), then I'll just move on to someone who does, because I don't have time to waste trying to get someone interested in me. I wasted way too much time on women who were friendly but emotionally unavailable (and didn't want to admit it to themselves) in my teens and 20s to ever want to go through that again.
- gelraen 11y ago
  > While I mostly agree with you, if someone acts like they don't want a relationship at all (or plays super hard to get), then I'll just move on to someone who does, because I don't have time to waste trying to get someone interested in me. I didn't say that you should hide your interest in relationship to get it. I only said that pursuing something you imagine word "relationship" means, instead of paying attention to particular person, will not do any good for you. In my opinion, if you like someone – say so, if you want to engage in some activity with the person – tell them so. If they reciprocate – good for both of you, if not – get over it and move on.

by gelraen 11y ago

JoeAltmaier 11y ago

'Need' is not always logical. You buy a car when you need one - and look desperate to the car salesman. But you need it, so you shop. More helpful advice is, how to shop intelligently when needy.

gelraen 11y ago
You need a car to do what? Most commonly, to transport your body from point A to point B. You can also consider other alternatives and pick one that (you think) works the best. I doubt that there is such a thing as "need to be in relationship", very often it is a cover for some other, deeper need, like "need to not feel alone", "need for social recognition", "need to feel secure" and so on. And unless that deeper need is realized and verbally communicated, there's a high chance that it won't be satisfied in the best possible way, if at all. Some of those needs even cannot be satisfied by another person (e.g. no one can cure your internal insecurities but yourself). It is your job, as a person, to work on realizing your actual needs. And once you do, you can ask another person to help you fulfill them. Another important difference between cars and people is that people are sentient beings with their own will and their own needs. And when people see that someone is treating them as a tool to fulfill their needs, before even getting to know them better, they are likely to avoid engaging in such activity.
- bonoboTP 11y ago
  > deeper need, like "need to not feel alone", "need for social recognition", "need to feel secure" and so on Why is this such a big problem? We are social animals and like to be around others. And yes, part of it is social recognition, we mostly do what's expected in our culture and don't like to be the odd ones. Many people like to boast how unique and non-conformist they are, but deep down most of us want to be accepted. You could say there's no need for career achievements either, because then you're just a workoholic. There's no need for anything in particular. I don't like this sentiment that everyone must be a rock and steel-strong independent individual who never has to rely on others/relationships/family/society and just cuts through life like a knife through butter. Most of us aren't like that and if you listen to any successful person they will tell you how much they can thank other people (spouse, family, friends) for their support and how they couldn't have achieved the things they did without that support. The totally individualist mindset is not healthy I think (for most people). Of course I don't mean you should be desperate. But people in our lives are not just "supporting actors" in our movie, but a lot more important. They shape us in many ways.
  - gelraen 11y ago
    > Why is this such a big problem? These needs are not a problem. But not stating them clearly creates a problem, where you do what you think would help, but your needs are still not satisfied. > I don't like this sentiment that everyone must be a rock and steel-strong independent individual who never has to rely on others/relationships/family/society and just cuts through life like a knife through butter. I didn't say that either. The more clear and honest you are in expressing your needs to others – the more likely you to get them fulfilled. But for that you often need to do some work first; you can't rely on others to know your needs better then you.

cableshaft 11y ago

While I mostly agree with you, if someone acts like they don't want a relationship at all (or plays super hard to get), then I'll just move on to someone who does, because I don't have time to waste trying to get someone interested in me. I wasted way too much time on women who were friendly but emotionally unavailable (and didn't want to admit it to themselves) in my teens and 20s to ever want to go through that again.

gelraen 11y ago
> While I mostly agree with you, if someone acts like they don't want a relationship at all (or plays super hard to get), then I'll just move on to someone who does, because I don't have time to waste trying to get someone interested in me. I didn't say that you should hide your interest in relationship to get it. I only said that pursuing something you imagine word "relationship" means, instead of paying attention to particular person, will not do any good for you. In my opinion, if you like someone – say so, if you want to engage in some activity with the person – tell them so. If they reciprocate – good for both of you, if not – get over it and move on.