4 ms·

It's not about being better, it's about doing better. I have a friend that I've been dating. She tells me all about the other guys she dates. This past weekend

It's not about being better, it's about doing better. I have a friend that I've been dating. She tells me all about the other guys she dates. This past weekend for her birthday a friend flew down from another state to hang out with her for the weekend. This guy is loaded. Way more money than sense. Among the things he got her that weekend was a $200 bottle of champagne that he must've paid $300 for because he got it in a restaurant. She doesn't drink. She had half a cup and they left the bottle on the table when they left. He does all this for a girl he sees a few times a year. When she told me this story, I went down to the massage place she likes, and got her a $200 gift card for massages. She was very grateful. I don't take her to expensive restaurants, I take her to the best places in town to eat, which are never really expensive. I take time to try to get to know her and try to work on my issues so that the time we spend together is better. As a result she spends way more time with me than she does with the others. Where other guys spend money to cover up their perceived inadequacies, I put time and effort into making every moment I spend with her special. That kind of effort is an order of magnitude more effective at finding and keeping the woman of your dreams. And you don't have to have a ton of money or a huge penis or be six feet tall to do it.

JupiterMoon 11y ago
> That kind of effort is an order of magnitude more effective at finding and keeping the woman of your dreams. And you don't have to have a ton of money or a huge penis or be six feet tall to do it. But you explicitly have not done this...
- vinceguidry 11y ago
  Not understanding. Have not done what? If you mean finding and keeping her, well, we're still dating after having known each other for several years and some nasty experiences. Our relationship gets a little better every day. I'm satisfied with where we're at right now. I'm not ready to get married and she's not ready to settle down yet. More to the point, you don't keep a woman by locking her in a cage. You do it by being the first person she calls or texts to tell about her day.
  - JupiterMoon 11y ago
    Kept the woman of your dreams. For most people this implies a monogamous relationship. Unless I miss-understood that is not what you're describing?
    - vinceguidry 11y ago
      I edited my response to answer your question.
  - JupiterMoon 11y ago
    All I can respond to this is good luck and I hope you stay happy.
    - vinceguidry 11y ago
      Thanks. It's been rocky at times, jealousy does get in the way from time to time. But it's been an amazing learning experience getting to know her and build a friendship with her. Both of us are only going to evolve and grow over time, both together and apart. I wouldn't trade that for anything.
lazyjones 11y ago
> As a result she spends way more time with me than she does with the others. Where other guys spend money to cover up their perceived inadequacies, I put time and effort into making every moment I spend with her special. But she still seems to need to meet rich guys who live in another state despite all the quality time with you? Perhaps you're deluding yourself and she's just spending time between the more interesting guys with you because you're more available.
- mcguire 11y ago
  Greetings, brother Cynic!
- vinceguidry 11y ago
  > because you're more available. The availability aspect is interesting. I used to try to play availability games with her. They mostly just got in the way. I much prefer to be generous with my time, and set boundaries rather than be arbitrary. Her time is very limited too. She has a full-time job that keeps her occupied sometimes during the weekend as well. She doesn't have a lot of available time for dating herself. Despite this, she regularly makes time to come see me. She shows me the text messages of the "more interesting guys" she also dates. Nasty, ugly, controlling, the lot of them. The impression I get from her is that she doesn't really understand guy psychology and so doesn't really grasp why it's all a waste of time. But I can be patient. I date other girls too. My dating life isn't as full as hers, but I like to think my 'others' are way better quality than her 'others'.
matwood 11y ago
How old are you? I ask because it sounds like she's using you for something to do while she works on landing some rich, handsome guy she wants, and you are still naive kid. Ask her to stop dating anyone else and see what happens. By the way, $200 for a bottle of real Champagne in a restaurant while pricey is not anything to crazy. And yeah, some of the best places in town to eat are expensive. Not all, of course but some. So if you were her, would you rather the option to eat at any of the best places or only the ones you could afford? Would you rather drink sparkling wine if you drank or real Champagne? Money and good looks are not everything, but when all else is equal they certainly do matter.
- vinceguidry 11y ago
  > I ask because it sounds like she's using you I'm 32. She's mid-twenties. She's a gorgeous girl, I'm not going to hold it against her for exploring her options. If she does decide that a rich, handsome guy is right for her, that's fine by me. I have plenty of options too, and that works both ways. > By the way, $200 for a bottle of real Champagne in a restaurant while pricey is not anything to crazy. You're just thinking about the Champagne. He flew down there, took her on a trip to a nearby town, dinners, drinks, and dancing every night. Sure, $300 isn't that much when it's just for the one dinner, but my guess is that he blew well over $5k on this one trip. That's a lot of money. Worse, it's a lot of time. Were I him, I'd just have hired an escort got on with it. She enjoyed the parts she enjoyed and didn't enjoy the parts she didn't enjoy. To me it's an extravagance that is wholly unnecessary. I would not trade my life for one of that kind of luxury. If I could add the ability to pay for that kind of luxury onto my current life, sure, that would be fine. But the best things in life really are free. > And yeah, some of the best places in town to eat are expensive. Depends on where you live. If you're in NYC or LA, where all the talent flocks to, certainly the top restaurants there are great. Generally in a mid-size city like Kansas City or Atlanta, the ethnic restaurants available are amazing the best of those simply blow all but the very top-tier ones away. At my company, we go to Houston's sometime on the CEO's dime. The $30 plates there are decent, but I always come away wishing I'd been able to go to my favorite Korean taco place. > So if you were her, would you rather the option to eat at any of the best places or only the ones you could afford? I think she's coming around to my way of looking at things. I took her to a Korean yesterday (different from the taco joint) and this girl, who has been wined and dined by crazy-rich guys, was over the hill about how amazing the food was in this little hole-in-the-wall strip mall joint and how it was some of the best food she's ever had in her life. I go there twice a month. Certainly she'd like to have the best of both worlds, but Hugh Grant isn't knocking on her door. I don't have to compete with movie stars, I can just compete with the other guy she dates. And from what I hear from her, you can be rich and handsome and still be an insufferable bore. If anyone's using anyone, it's her using these guys for spa treatments and dinners.
threesixandnine 11y ago
Oh my....you are dating her and she spent her birthday weekend with fully loaded(pun intended) rich guy. Run man, run!
- vinceguidry 11y ago
  We are dating. Not in a relationship. She can spend her time however she wants, and I'm not going to hold it against her for exploring her options.
aianus 11y ago
I wasn't talking about money specifically. I'm just pointing out that dating (with the goal of a monogamous marriage) is a zero-sum game; in order for you to win, all her other suitors must lose. In that game it's highly relevant how you stack up against others, not just objective benchmarks. In your example, if every man was thoughtful enough to know to get her massages, then the gesture would no longer have any differentiating effect. Similarly for muscle tone, education, penis size, money, or whatever she happens to care about. Of course, not worrying about how others are doing and focusing on self-improvement is probably the best strategy to becoming better than other people. But to say it's irrelevant how others are doing relative to oneself is just wrong.
csomar 11y ago
I might get down voted to death here. But let me tell you a couple things (you look inexperienced dating-wise): - She's very unlikely getting that spoiled by other men. Girls say that all the time to pump their value and push you to higher standards. - Unless she is: 1. texting you 3-5 times a day and 2. having sex with you; she's using you literally for any penny you are spending. Girls will kill for men they like. They'll spend all their money on him. I had a girl save for a month to pay for a train ticket just to see me. You are very likely being played here.
- vinceguidry 11y ago
  I don't buy into this kind of cynicism. And it's silly. I enjoy our time spent together, and consider paying for a second meal for the privilege of doing so a bargain. She is certainly the most expensive girl I've ever dated, but she's actually a really cheap date. When we go out, I spend more money on myself than on her. She used to ask for me to pay for her nails and massages and stuff, I would do it once, then not do it anymore. If I were making more money, I could budget it in, but as it is I just don't have it. I encourage her to get her other guy friends to pay for that stuff for her. And on the 'using' issue: If I had the kind of money these guys have, and the willingness to use it on dating, I'd regularize it. I'd have accounts at all her beauty spots and have them just send me the bill every month. I would of course talk to her to keep it from getting excessive, (more likely I'd negotiate with the business for better rates) but I would not begrudge a lady for taking advantage of my generosity. That's what it's there for.
  - csomar 11y ago
    You know your problem is that you are completely in the wrong, yet try to make it look like you have it all figured out. I never say Women or Girls are evil. They are not that cute creatures that you think they are, though. They are completely acting on their own self-interest which is fine and logical. You'll be in for some surprises/lessons. But that's how we all learn I guess.
    - vinceguidry 11y ago
dennisgorelik 11y ago
She is likely to appreciate deeper commitment above all your well-selected gifts.
- vinceguidry 11y ago
  That's a great observation, thanks. I will think on it.

JupiterMoon 11y ago

> That kind of effort is an order of magnitude more effective at finding and keeping the woman of your dreams. And you don't have to have a ton of money or a huge penis or be six feet tall to do it. But you explicitly have not done this...

vinceguidry 11y ago
Not understanding. Have not done what? If you mean finding and keeping her, well, we're still dating after having known each other for several years and some nasty experiences. Our relationship gets a little better every day. I'm satisfied with where we're at right now. I'm not ready to get married and she's not ready to settle down yet. More to the point, you don't keep a woman by locking her in a cage. You do it by being the first person she calls or texts to tell about her day.
- JupiterMoon 11y ago
  Kept the woman of your dreams. For most people this implies a monogamous relationship. Unless I miss-understood that is not what you're describing?
  - vinceguidry 11y ago
    I edited my response to answer your question.
- JupiterMoon 11y ago
  All I can respond to this is good luck and I hope you stay happy.
  - vinceguidry 11y ago
    Thanks. It's been rocky at times, jealousy does get in the way from time to time. But it's been an amazing learning experience getting to know her and build a friendship with her. Both of us are only going to evolve and grow over time, both together and apart. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

lazyjones 11y ago

> As a result she spends way more time with me than she does with the others. Where other guys spend money to cover up their perceived inadequacies, I put time and effort into making every moment I spend with her special. But she still seems to need to meet rich guys who live in another state despite all the quality time with you? Perhaps you're deluding yourself and she's just spending time between the more interesting guys with you because you're more available.

mcguire 11y ago
Greetings, brother Cynic!
vinceguidry 11y ago
> because you're more available. The availability aspect is interesting. I used to try to play availability games with her. They mostly just got in the way. I much prefer to be generous with my time, and set boundaries rather than be arbitrary. Her time is very limited too. She has a full-time job that keeps her occupied sometimes during the weekend as well. She doesn't have a lot of available time for dating herself. Despite this, she regularly makes time to come see me. She shows me the text messages of the "more interesting guys" she also dates. Nasty, ugly, controlling, the lot of them. The impression I get from her is that she doesn't really understand guy psychology and so doesn't really grasp why it's all a waste of time. But I can be patient. I date other girls too. My dating life isn't as full as hers, but I like to think my 'others' are way better quality than her 'others'.

matwood 11y ago

How old are you? I ask because it sounds like she's using you for something to do while she works on landing some rich, handsome guy she wants, and you are still naive kid. Ask her to stop dating anyone else and see what happens. By the way, $200 for a bottle of real Champagne in a restaurant while pricey is not anything to crazy. And yeah, some of the best places in town to eat are expensive. Not all, of course but some. So if you were her, would you rather the option to eat at any of the best places or only the ones you could afford? Would you rather drink sparkling wine if you drank or real Champagne? Money and good looks are not everything, but when all else is equal they certainly do matter.

vinceguidry 11y ago
> I ask because it sounds like she's using you I'm 32. She's mid-twenties. She's a gorgeous girl, I'm not going to hold it against her for exploring her options. If she does decide that a rich, handsome guy is right for her, that's fine by me. I have plenty of options too, and that works both ways. > By the way, $200 for a bottle of real Champagne in a restaurant while pricey is not anything to crazy. You're just thinking about the Champagne. He flew down there, took her on a trip to a nearby town, dinners, drinks, and dancing every night. Sure, $300 isn't that much when it's just for the one dinner, but my guess is that he blew well over $5k on this one trip. That's a lot of money. Worse, it's a lot of time. Were I him, I'd just have hired an escort got on with it. She enjoyed the parts she enjoyed and didn't enjoy the parts she didn't enjoy. To me it's an extravagance that is wholly unnecessary. I would not trade my life for one of that kind of luxury. If I could add the ability to pay for that kind of luxury onto my current life, sure, that would be fine. But the best things in life really are free. > And yeah, some of the best places in town to eat are expensive. Depends on where you live. If you're in NYC or LA, where all the talent flocks to, certainly the top restaurants there are great. Generally in a mid-size city like Kansas City or Atlanta, the ethnic restaurants available are amazing the best of those simply blow all but the very top-tier ones away. At my company, we go to Houston's sometime on the CEO's dime. The $30 plates there are decent, but I always come away wishing I'd been able to go to my favorite Korean taco place. > So if you were her, would you rather the option to eat at any of the best places or only the ones you could afford? I think she's coming around to my way of looking at things. I took her to a Korean yesterday (different from the taco joint) and this girl, who has been wined and dined by crazy-rich guys, was over the hill about how amazing the food was in this little hole-in-the-wall strip mall joint and how it was some of the best food she's ever had in her life. I go there twice a month. Certainly she'd like to have the best of both worlds, but Hugh Grant isn't knocking on her door. I don't have to compete with movie stars, I can just compete with the other guy she dates. And from what I hear from her, you can be rich and handsome and still be an insufferable bore. If anyone's using anyone, it's her using these guys for spa treatments and dinners.

threesixandnine 11y ago

Oh my....you are dating her and she spent her birthday weekend with fully loaded(pun intended) rich guy. Run man, run!

vinceguidry 11y ago
We are dating. Not in a relationship. She can spend her time however she wants, and I'm not going to hold it against her for exploring her options.

aianus 11y ago

I wasn't talking about money specifically. I'm just pointing out that dating (with the goal of a monogamous marriage) is a zero-sum game; in order for you to win, all her other suitors must lose. In that game it's highly relevant how you stack up against others, not just objective benchmarks. In your example, if every man was thoughtful enough to know to get her massages, then the gesture would no longer have any differentiating effect. Similarly for muscle tone, education, penis size, money, or whatever she happens to care about. Of course, not worrying about how others are doing and focusing on self-improvement is probably the best strategy to becoming better than other people. But to say it's irrelevant how others are doing relative to oneself is just wrong.

csomar 11y ago

I might get down voted to death here. But let me tell you a couple things (you look inexperienced dating-wise): - She's very unlikely getting that spoiled by other men. Girls say that all the time to pump their value and push you to higher standards. - Unless she is: 1. texting you 3-5 times a day and 2. having sex with you; she's using you literally for any penny you are spending. Girls will kill for men they like. They'll spend all their money on him. I had a girl save for a month to pay for a train ticket just to see me. You are very likely being played here.

vinceguidry 11y ago
I don't buy into this kind of cynicism. And it's silly. I enjoy our time spent together, and consider paying for a second meal for the privilege of doing so a bargain. She is certainly the most expensive girl I've ever dated, but she's actually a really cheap date. When we go out, I spend more money on myself than on her. She used to ask for me to pay for her nails and massages and stuff, I would do it once, then not do it anymore. If I were making more money, I could budget it in, but as it is I just don't have it. I encourage her to get her other guy friends to pay for that stuff for her. And on the 'using' issue: If I had the kind of money these guys have, and the willingness to use it on dating, I'd regularize it. I'd have accounts at all her beauty spots and have them just send me the bill every month. I would of course talk to her to keep it from getting excessive, (more likely I'd negotiate with the business for better rates) but I would not begrudge a lady for taking advantage of my generosity. That's what it's there for.
- csomar 11y ago
  You know your problem is that you are completely in the wrong, yet try to make it look like you have it all figured out. I never say Women or Girls are evil. They are not that cute creatures that you think they are, though. They are completely acting on their own self-interest which is fine and logical. You'll be in for some surprises/lessons. But that's how we all learn I guess.
  - vinceguidry 11y ago

dennisgorelik 11y ago

She is likely to appreciate deeper commitment above all your well-selected gifts.

vinceguidry 11y ago
That's a great observation, thanks. I will think on it.