6 ms·

The Lark-Owl Scale: When Couples’ Sleep Patterns Diverge

92 points by daegloe 11y ago

afarrell 11y ago
For this and other reasons, it is usually a good idea to have a separate set of blankets from your partner to avoid interrupting their sleep.
Spooky23 11y ago
My wife and I are like this. When we first met, she called me at 5:30AM to see what was up. My question was "Who died?" She's a 9p-5a kind of gal. Left to my own devices, I'd sleep 1a-8:30a. It has been an object of contention to us over the years, but we work it out. Having our son and adjusting to the sleep deprivation afterward helped.
- randycupertino 11y ago
  This is an object of contention between my current ladyfriend and I. How did you guys work it out? She likes to go to bed by 10pm and I am a stay up and code till 2am kinda guy. She comes and yells at me about it.
  - Swizec 11y ago
    My girlfriend goes to bed at 10pm and I go to bed at 2:30+ am. But I do the dishes before coming to bed. So far it's been working pretty well. I get my alone time when I'm up late, she gets her alone time before she falls asleep. We both need our alone time, might as well get it when the schedules don't match up.
    - randycupertino 11y ago
      Interesting. She doesn't kvetch about having to go to bed alone? Because mine does! Do you guys wake up at the same time? My lady likes to get up at 7am and go running, then she comes back and cooks both of us breakfast, so that is one perk of her going to bed first I guess.
      - Swizec 11y ago
        > She doesn't kvetch about having to go to bed alone? Because mine does! I try to make sure to "put her to bed" where she then spends the next hour or two on her phone. The hard part is getting back out of bed if I'm tired, but I'm usually not tired that early. > Do you guys wake up at the same time? Nope. She has to get up at 8 so she can be at work by 9. I have to get up by 9:45 so I can be at work by 10. The core of our day-to-day interaction happens in the evening between the time I come back from the gym and her bedtime. And we also have Saturdays where the whole day is reserved for being spent together.
  - rangibaby 11y ago
    Having a pooing crying machine helps fix your schedule. You both sleep when the baby does.
  - facepalm 11y ago
    Why does she yell at you??
    - randycupertino 11y ago
      "let's cuddle" "let's have sex" "I miss snuggling" "I don't want to go to sleep alone" "we never spend time together" "I can't sleep when you're not there" "I'm bored" blah blah blah. She even emailed me some article about how Priscilla Chan made Zuckerberg sign some agreement to cuddle x amount of hours when they were dating before she would agree to move out here to be with him. I mean, I like cuddling generally and I like sex but I have a bunch of side projects and I get a lot of work done at night! So I've started "putting her to bed" and then coming out to do work. But the problem is sometimes we have sex and then I fall asleep cuddling her, so it's kind of a trap.
      - lectrick 11y ago
        > So I've started "putting her to bed" and then coming out to do work That is EXACTLY how I handle this > But the problem is sometimes we have sex and then I fall asleep cuddling her, so it's kind of a trap. Me having to sleep with a CPAP (or else horrible snoring and horrible sleep for us both) ensures that this will never occur with me (the falling-asleep-cuddling... not the sex... lol)
      - cafard 11y ago
        Tough duty. My heart goes out to you.
  - Spooky23 11y ago
    Basically, I adopted the only viable strategy. I compromise. :) With my current schedule, I need to be at work at 8. So my midnight oil burning ways doesn't really work for me either. I've noticed in my advanced age that computer time before bed doesn't typically result in a good sleep experience as well. When I'm too hopped up to sleep, I read in bed.
  - amag 11y ago
    Having been married for eleven years I think my wife has finally accepted I'm not going to change (and I have long since accepted that she won't either). She's a 9pm-6:30am kind of gal and I'm a 2:30am-10am kind of guy. But, sure, through the years this has definitely been an area of contention. Now, we both find it convenient, I put the kids to bed while she watches TV or reads and I get to sleep in (on the weekends at least) while she cares for the kids.
mgkimsal 11y ago
The article didn't even touch on sleeping in separate beds or rooms, which, from my experience, seems to be a growing trend.
- zzalpha 11y ago
  Growing trend according to whom?
  - mgkimsal 11y ago
    "from my experience" - people in my circles, mainly, but it's a topic I see in popnews areas more than I used to. http://www.today.com/health/happily-united-separate-rooms-why-my-husband-i-sleep-apart-1D80287458 http://www.today.com/health/happily-united-separate-rooms-wh... http://www.builddirect.com/blog/why-more-couples-are-sleeping-in-separate-beds/ http://www.builddirect.com/blog/why-more-couples-are-sleepin... http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/09/12/lw.sleep.alone.when.married/ http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/09/12/lw.sleep.alone... From that link: The preference for separate spaces has even begun to affect home design. According to the National Association of Home Builders, there's been a steady increase in the number of requests for "two-master bedroom" homes since 1990, prompting the organization to predict that by 2015, 60 percent of all custom upscale homes will be built with two "owner suites." It's now 2016, and I don't suspect 60% are being built that way, but a realtor I spoke with last year says it's a topic that comes up with some of her home buyers, although it's never been a dealbreaker. Granted, that article was from 2008, and we had a major recession in there, which may have reaffected architectural planning.
  - lambda 11y ago
    I've seen a few articles on it recently, and know of at least one couple in my social network that does separate beds. It seems like my grandparents' generation slept in separate beds a lot, my parents' generation swung to the single bed model, and in my generation single bed is still more common but awareness of sleep issues is leading to some people starting to try out separate beds again.
- grawlinson 11y ago
zzalpha 11y ago
Odd the article didn't touch on an obvious problem with differing sleep patterns among couples: sexual activity. Going to bed after your partner is asleep makes it a lot tougher to initiate since it involves waking that person up. The alternative is to initiate during other parts of the day but that may not be possible for many reasons (children being the most obvious).
- ty56 11y ago
  You missed the 'connect' euphemism "She advises couples who sleep at different times to make sure they find other times to connect, whether it’s the morning, the half-hour before the first partner goes to sleep, or even the weekend."
  - zzalpha 11y ago
    Ah, hah, yeah, that would seem to be a euphemism. Odd they choose to be so circumspect about it...
  - visakanv 11y ago
    Oh wow... have I been foolishly turning down sex whenever I block "let's connect" messages on LinkedIn? Damnit!
    - gaius 11y ago
      Apparently lots of people on Linkedin get confused about that too http://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/604502/LinkedIn-sexism-row-lawyer-leers-at-men-lawyer-calls-daughter-hot http://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/604502/LinkedIn-sexism-row-...
  - jeffdavis 11y ago
    That seems dismissive. Do these solutions really result in satisfying relationships? I'm skeptical that fitting your sex life into odd hours/days works for everyone.
- scruple 11y ago
  And especially so for couples trying to conceive.

92 points by daegloe 11y ago

For this and other reasons, it is usually a good idea to have a separate set of blankets from your partner to avoid interrupting their sleep.

Spooky23 11y ago

My wife and I are like this. When we first met, she called me at 5:30AM to see what was up. My question was "Who died?" She's a 9p-5a kind of gal. Left to my own devices, I'd sleep 1a-8:30a. It has been an object of contention to us over the years, but we work it out. Having our son and adjusting to the sleep deprivation afterward helped.

randycupertino 11y ago
This is an object of contention between my current ladyfriend and I. How did you guys work it out? She likes to go to bed by 10pm and I am a stay up and code till 2am kinda guy. She comes and yells at me about it.
- Swizec 11y ago
  My girlfriend goes to bed at 10pm and I go to bed at 2:30+ am. But I do the dishes before coming to bed. So far it's been working pretty well. I get my alone time when I'm up late, she gets her alone time before she falls asleep. We both need our alone time, might as well get it when the schedules don't match up.
  - randycupertino 11y ago
    Interesting. She doesn't kvetch about having to go to bed alone? Because mine does! Do you guys wake up at the same time? My lady likes to get up at 7am and go running, then she comes back and cooks both of us breakfast, so that is one perk of her going to bed first I guess.
    - Swizec 11y ago
      > She doesn't kvetch about having to go to bed alone? Because mine does! I try to make sure to "put her to bed" where she then spends the next hour or two on her phone. The hard part is getting back out of bed if I'm tired, but I'm usually not tired that early. > Do you guys wake up at the same time? Nope. She has to get up at 8 so she can be at work by 9. I have to get up by 9:45 so I can be at work by 10. The core of our day-to-day interaction happens in the evening between the time I come back from the gym and her bedtime. And we also have Saturdays where the whole day is reserved for being spent together.
- rangibaby 11y ago
  Having a pooing crying machine helps fix your schedule. You both sleep when the baby does.
- facepalm 11y ago
  Why does she yell at you??
  - randycupertino 11y ago
    "let's cuddle" "let's have sex" "I miss snuggling" "I don't want to go to sleep alone" "we never spend time together" "I can't sleep when you're not there" "I'm bored" blah blah blah. She even emailed me some article about how Priscilla Chan made Zuckerberg sign some agreement to cuddle x amount of hours when they were dating before she would agree to move out here to be with him. I mean, I like cuddling generally and I like sex but I have a bunch of side projects and I get a lot of work done at night! So I've started "putting her to bed" and then coming out to do work. But the problem is sometimes we have sex and then I fall asleep cuddling her, so it's kind of a trap.
    - lectrick 11y ago
      > So I've started "putting her to bed" and then coming out to do work That is EXACTLY how I handle this > But the problem is sometimes we have sex and then I fall asleep cuddling her, so it's kind of a trap. Me having to sleep with a CPAP (or else horrible snoring and horrible sleep for us both) ensures that this will never occur with me (the falling-asleep-cuddling... not the sex... lol)
    - cafard 11y ago
      Tough duty. My heart goes out to you.
- Spooky23 11y ago
  Basically, I adopted the only viable strategy. I compromise. :) With my current schedule, I need to be at work at 8. So my midnight oil burning ways doesn't really work for me either. I've noticed in my advanced age that computer time before bed doesn't typically result in a good sleep experience as well. When I'm too hopped up to sleep, I read in bed.
- amag 11y ago
  Having been married for eleven years I think my wife has finally accepted I'm not going to change (and I have long since accepted that she won't either). She's a 9pm-6:30am kind of gal and I'm a 2:30am-10am kind of guy. But, sure, through the years this has definitely been an area of contention. Now, we both find it convenient, I put the kids to bed while she watches TV or reads and I get to sleep in (on the weekends at least) while she cares for the kids.

mgkimsal 11y ago

The article didn't even touch on sleeping in separate beds or rooms, which, from my experience, seems to be a growing trend.

zzalpha 11y ago
Growing trend according to whom?
- mgkimsal 11y ago
  "from my experience" - people in my circles, mainly, but it's a topic I see in popnews areas more than I used to. http://www.today.com/health/happily-united-separate-rooms-why-my-husband-i-sleep-apart-1D80287458 http://www.today.com/health/happily-united-separate-rooms-wh... http://www.builddirect.com/blog/why-more-couples-are-sleeping-in-separate-beds/ http://www.builddirect.com/blog/why-more-couples-are-sleepin... http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/09/12/lw.sleep.alone.when.married/ http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/09/12/lw.sleep.alone... From that link: The preference for separate spaces has even begun to affect home design. According to the National Association of Home Builders, there's been a steady increase in the number of requests for "two-master bedroom" homes since 1990, prompting the organization to predict that by 2015, 60 percent of all custom upscale homes will be built with two "owner suites." It's now 2016, and I don't suspect 60% are being built that way, but a realtor I spoke with last year says it's a topic that comes up with some of her home buyers, although it's never been a dealbreaker. Granted, that article was from 2008, and we had a major recession in there, which may have reaffected architectural planning.
- lambda 11y ago
  I've seen a few articles on it recently, and know of at least one couple in my social network that does separate beds. It seems like my grandparents' generation slept in separate beds a lot, my parents' generation swung to the single bed model, and in my generation single bed is still more common but awareness of sleep issues is leading to some people starting to try out separate beds again.
grawlinson 11y ago

zzalpha 11y ago

Odd the article didn't touch on an obvious problem with differing sleep patterns among couples: sexual activity. Going to bed after your partner is asleep makes it a lot tougher to initiate since it involves waking that person up. The alternative is to initiate during other parts of the day but that may not be possible for many reasons (children being the most obvious).

ty56 11y ago
You missed the 'connect' euphemism "She advises couples who sleep at different times to make sure they find other times to connect, whether it’s the morning, the half-hour before the first partner goes to sleep, or even the weekend."
- zzalpha 11y ago
  Ah, hah, yeah, that would seem to be a euphemism. Odd they choose to be so circumspect about it...
- visakanv 11y ago
  Oh wow... have I been foolishly turning down sex whenever I block "let's connect" messages on LinkedIn? Damnit!
  - gaius 11y ago
    Apparently lots of people on Linkedin get confused about that too http://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/604502/LinkedIn-sexism-row-lawyer-leers-at-men-lawyer-calls-daughter-hot http://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/604502/LinkedIn-sexism-row-...
- jeffdavis 11y ago
  That seems dismissive. Do these solutions really result in satisfying relationships? I'm skeptical that fitting your sex life into odd hours/days works for everyone.
scruple 11y ago
And especially so for couples trying to conceive.