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Santa Claus Confirms NSA Attack on Naughty or Nice Database
- archgoon 11y agoThis has been warned about in the security community for years. Even if the person guarding such a database is a saint, which he is, the mere existence of the NON database is a threat to the privacy of everyone on the planet.
- mxuribe 11y agoI wonder if this attack merits deploying the holiday special forces - i.e. Elven boots on the ground?? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1446192/ http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1446192/
- riebschlager 11y agoI don't see what the big deal is. If you've been a good little boy or girl, then you have nothing to hide, right?
- BuildTheRobots 11y agoI've never managed to work out of Santa keeps a list of _everyone_ on earth and then indexes them as either Nice or Naughty, or if I manage to get added to one of the two for doing something particulally noteworthy over the last year. Or to put it another way, if _only_ the nice list gets leaked and I'm _not_ on it, does that mean I'm really naughty, or does it just mean I'm one of the 60% of people on earth who aren't Christian?
- buro9 11y agoI'm not sure that the whole Santa Claus thing is in the bible or part of Christianity.
- drdeca 11y agoIt is not. At all. It may have some influence from "Saint Nicholas" but that was, I'm pretty sure, after like, 1000 AD. So, uh, yeah. Some people want to take Santa out of Christmas to focus more on Christ, and I would generally agree.
- stinkytaco 11y agoWell, I think there's a pretty solid argument for Santa being a stand-in Jesus, at least in our current conception of him. You're punished for evil and rewarded for nice and he's watching you all the time? My understanding from listening to some guy on the radio, almost certainly on NPR, is that's a fairly modern conception. It's like they couldn't put the Christ back into Christmas, so they shoehorned St. Nick into Christ instead.
- drdeca 11y ago
- jacquesm 11y agoRudolf was an NSA plant. That red nose should have been the giveaway.
- blisterpeanuts 11y agoHe wasn't a communist?
- Gh0stRAT 11y agoRudolph's "red nose" actually refers to his uncanny ability to sniff-out communist sympathizers. As you might imagine, Santa simply can't afford delays like labor strikes or communist revolutions.
- ipsin 11y agoIP addresses associated with the attack were traced to the US National Security Agency (NSA) I demand plausible satire!
- strictnein 11y agoThey were in the range of 0.0.0.0 - 255.255.255.255, well known NSA addresses.
- Zikes 11y agoI think it's a Chinese Black Flag operation.
- mtgx 11y agoThey were traced to "North Korea". There.
- andrewchilts 11y agoWe all know Santa is deeply embedded in the FVEY surveillance alliance: https://twitter.com/sigint_santa/status/545966850253664256 https://twitter.com/sigint_santa/status/545966850253664256
- BinaryIdiot 11y agoWe need a Manhattan-like project so the people in the technology industry can collaborate with the United States to allow the authorities to access the NON-database. A backdoor isn't the right door but there has got to be a way. They can figure it out.
- rquantz 11y agoWe just have to ask Bill Gates
- strictnein 11y agoSanta is a hypocrite. His army of Elves who break into homes to monitor the occupants [0] dwarfs any misdeeds of the NSA. http://www.elfontheshelf.com/ http://www.elfontheshelf.com/
- martin-adams 11y agoThe only difference is that this is what you willingly signed up for right by inviting Santa into your home on Christmas Eve? Well, at least there must be some parent consent that is.
- strictnein 11y agoTrue. True. But I can't get him to leave. There doesn't seem to be an opt-out. Should have read the EULA more closely, I guess.
- martin-adams 11y agoAhh yes, that's why the EU created the Santa's Cookies and Milk consent notice. Basically, if you don't agree, you have to use a different home which does have an opt out, or doesn't use cookies and milk to track your activities with Santa.
- toast0 11y agoOffering cookies and milk once a year doesn't mean I consent to a whole month of monitoring!
- Symbiote 11y agoI didn't realise the offer was negotiable. I always left a mince pie and sherry.
- raverbashing 11y agoWell, it seems it's only fair. I never knew my login was not on the sudoers file
- JadeNB 11y agoI was going to make a "This incident will be reported" joke, but it turns out that, as usual, XKCD trod this ground first: https://xkcd.com/838 https://xkcd.com/838 . (In retrospect, that's probably what you were referencing.)
- jameshart 11y agoI find it frankly shocking that someone on the naughty list is permitted to purchase a handgun.
- PretzelFisch 11y agoSeems kind of like "The pot calling the kettle black"
- chatmasta 11y agoGreat, I thought my chimney was a back door accessible only to Santa. Now anyone with this database has the key to my chimney.
- mtgx 11y agoReminded me of this awesome ACLU Christmas video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pcWlyUu8U4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pcWlyUu8U4
- jacquesm 11y agoNaughty list: Edward Snowden, Glenn Greenwald...
- nickysielicki 11y agoThis is an obvious false flag, typical state-planted bullshit. Wake up sheeple, NSA didn't hack Santa. Santa's elves are not outraged here. Santa is complicit in NSA's spying. Probably not seen in any of the Snowden leaks, but anyone who has been paying attention the past couple decades has seen this coming from a mile away. You're telling me you thought a single man could effectively build a meaningful dossier on what amounts to nearly everyone on the planet, working ALONE? The government wants us to think that Santa didn't see this coming. I don't buy it. The more I think about it, this whole narrative of Santa doesn't make much sense at all. Something is seriously amiss here, but I can't put my finger on it.
- jejones3141 11y agoI still have hopes that an episode of _Person of Interest_ will reveal that The Machine was made at Santa's request.
- dudul 11y agoLooks like Santa wants the terrorists to win.
- clogston 11y ago"18 months of credit monitoring? Crap, I've already got two of these."
- awqrre 11y agoOnly activate one of them at a time and hope that the others don't expire...
- SuperComputing 11y agoPhew! As a Jew, I'm not in Santa's database.
- rquantz 11y agoThat's it, I'm clearing my Christmas cookies.
- rapsacnz 11y agoJust did a search on the online naughty or nice checker and yep, my email address is there. Looks like more than the NSA hacked this DB. Now I'm just waiting for the extortion requests to roll in.
- krapp 11y agoSanta Claus. A white, male christian superhuman with the power to violate national sovereignty and property rights at will. Laws and locks are meaningless to him. He rewards the loyal with material goods, and punishes the wicked, all based on a secret list of names only he has access to. We've been raised to consider this not only normal, but just. He's on Coca-Cola cans, after all, so he can't be bad. Everyone loves Coca-Cola, right? Santa is the undisputed, unelected and untouchable master of a global industrial machine run on slave labor, subject to no environmental or labor laws, in which the slaves are brainwashed through candy and mindless jingoism into accepting their brutal lot as necessary for the greater good. It really is the ultimate American "limited government" power fantasy, down to the junk food and constant repetition of loyalty oaths to a theocratic God-king. Clearly, one can tell from reading this thread that American style pop-cultural propaganda is alive and well on Hacker News. Congratulations on supporting the military industrial complex and furthering America's goal of global cultural genocide by paying any attention at all to this "parody", which only serves to mock and ridicule the very real and present threat that the NSA poses to human rights and civilization. I'm sure your handlers will reward you with milk and cookies. Or a nice refreshing Coke. Sheeple. Edit: downvoted by NSA shills... typical.
- JadeNB 11y ago> Congratulations on supporting the military industrial complex and furthering America's goal of global cultural genocide by paying any attention at all to this "parody", which only serves to mock and ridicule the very real and present threat that the NSA poses to human rights and civilization. Were Soviet satirists, or their readers, guilty of propping up the Stalinist regime?
- krapp 11y agoThe honest answer is, probably not. One could argue that there is possible danger in satire if it makes the target seem less threatening, or allows the audience to become more comfortable with the presence of the system being ridiculed. But that effect, if it exists, is probably minor.
- julianozen 11y agoSELECT * FROM Children WHERE naughty=false;
- whoopdedo 11y agoLittle Bobby Tables isn't getting anything for Christmas this year. Or everything, I guess it depends on how the implementation handles failure conditions.
- anemic 11y agoas you seem to have some inside information can you share some details about the database schema: is naughty field not null or nullable? what about indexing a table on a boolean column?
- logfromblammo 11y agoNiceness is an ENUM 'not known', 'nice', 'naughty', 'nasty' Additionally, the nice list is a bitemporal table, and CheckStatus is also an ENUM ( 'nunce', 'once', 'twice', 'more' ). Foreign keys go to the Person and Elf tables.
- logfromblammo 11y agoNice try, but everyone knows that Santa keeps his database in 6NF.
- Symbiote 11y agoHe's making a database He's sorting it twice SELECT * from contacts WHERE behavior = 'nice' SQL Clause is coming to town (Saw it on Facebook, I don't know the source.)
- hackmiester 11y agoHere is the source: https://twitter.com/KarenMN/status/677111492135661569 https://twitter.com/KarenMN/status/677111492135661569
- Geekette 11y agoNot receiving floofy slippers was probably the last straw for the NSA. Hell hath no fury like a legion of 5-eyed naughties with freezing tootsies.
- peterwwillis 11y agoFreezing? It's been 65 degrees in Fort Meade this month! ....Or so i've been told.
- chippy 11y agoClearly Stallman is proved right again, somehow.
- hackbinary 11y agoLast time I heard that Santa Claus was neither compliant with UK Data Protection Act [1], nor the Canadian Privacy Act [2]. [1] http://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1998/29/contents http://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1998/29/contents [2] https://www.priv.gc.ca/leg_c/r_o_a_e.asp https://www.priv.gc.ca/leg_c/r_o_a_e.asp
- beamatronic 11y agoSerious question: Would Santa Claus be subject to HIPAA compliance?
- Nadya 11y agoThe best way to understand if something is a HIPAA violation is "Can someone who isn't the patient or doctor find any PHI?" So unless Santa stores health information in his Naught/Nice list, he's HIPAA compliant.
- hackbinary 11y agoSanta Claus must store some health information about some children that have mental illnesses.
- jMyles 11y agoAre 'naughty' and 'nice' slated to be recognized conditions in the DSM-VI?
- DJHenk 11y agoNo, but they will certainly be in the BDSM-VI.
- stinkytaco 11y agoSerious question: Was that really a serious question?
- __jal 11y ago
- kyberias 11y ago"It is well known that Santa lives in Korvatunturi, Finland." Thank you.
- rzzzt 11y agoIt has to be said that according to "Babar and Father Christmas" by Jean de Brunhoff, Santa lives in an underground lair near the town of "Prjmnestwe", found in the Bohemian region of the Czech Republic. The book's illustrations feature a cross-section of the entire complex. [1] http://www.theguardian.com/books/booksblog/2010/dec/03/babar-father-christmas-jean-de-brunhoff http://www.theguardian.com/books/booksblog/2010/dec/03/babar...
- yeukhon 11y agoReal serious question: this is a Christmas Fool joke?
- stefantalpalaru 11y agoNo, Santa Claus' database really was compromised.