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Why most public apologies suck
- danielvf 11y agoProbably the clearest cut public apology in recent times was Tiger Woods public statement in 2010. http://m.ajc.com/news/sports/text-of-tiger-woods-full-statement/nQcg7/ http://m.ajc.com/news/sports/text-of-tiger-woods-full-statem...
- asdfologist 11y agoI have to admit, I've never seen such a long apology that does not have even a hint of self-justification. Kudos to him, though too bad it wasn't enough to save his marriage.
- ams6110 11y agoTrust betrayed can often never be restored. The transgressor may be forgiven, but that doesn't mean it can ever be the same.
- thelastguy 11y agoAn apology is not enough to save a marriage.
- username223 11y ago> ... my real apology to her will not be in words but in action... That's the core of it. Words are wind.
- grondilu 11y agoMiss Piggy recently gave a nice example: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ei0cAaC1Yx4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ei0cAaC1Yx4
- ghaff 11y agoThere was a good piece on public apologies by the media critic of Time, James Poniewozik, before he went to the New York Times: "Public apologies are different from, well, real ones. A real apology, between actual private humans, needs to demonstrate true remorse and learning on the part of the offender and needs to make the injured party feel better. But in a public apology, the apologizer, and maybe even the apologizee, is beside the point. The real point is the rest of us–the larger society, asserting the norms and changing boundaries of acceptable behavior… A calculated, self-interested apology at least tells the rest of the audience someone did something wrong, while the apologizer figures that out in his or her own time, if ever." http://entertainment.time.com/2014/02/27/defense-of-the-fake-apology/ http://entertainment.time.com/2014/02/27/defense-of-the-fake... On the other hand, there are situations where some group gets offended by some statement or action and the apologizer doesn't really get the offense, and neither do a lot of other rational people, but the easiest path forward is to express a lack of intent to offend without actually apologizing.
- jwise0 11y agoA year or two ago, I came across the following post on teaching young kids how to apologize: http://www.cuppacocoa.com/a-better-way-to-say-sorry/ http://www.cuppacocoa.com/a-better-way-to-say-sorry/ The thing that struck me about it is that in the process of explaining the core of what makes a meaningful apology to children, it does a really nice job of reflecting where, exactly, most public (and, really, private!) apologies tend to fall down. A good addition to this article.
- Thriptic 11y agoA lot of public apologies likely sound fake because they actually are fake. People frequently apologize publicly solely to maintain a good public image rather than to truly signal remorse.
- nsxwolf 11y agoMost public apologies are a variation on "I'm sorry you were offended".
- asdfologist 11y ago... or worse, "I'm sorry if you were offended".
- ghaff 11y agoI'm not sure this is always a bad thing. No, I don't go out of my way to cause offense. However, I've certainly said or written things that caused individuals and even groups of individuals to be pissed off in ways that I consider irrational. (And in ways many others would consider to be irrational as well.) Under those circumstances, if pressed, I might use that sort of formulation. Except under extreme duress, I'm not going to apologize for something I'm really not sorry about.
- mikeash 11y agoHow about "I'm sorry I offended you"? It's the same basic statement, except it places you as the active party, rather than putting the onus on the person you're apologizing to.
- ghaff 11y agoExcept, under those circumstances, I'm probably not losing any sleep over the fact that I offended you. So that statement means I'm shouldering the blame at some level but it's also typically dishonest. I'm not actually sorry I offended you because I think you're being an oversensitive idiot.
- mikeash 11y agoThen don't apologize. If you're not actually sorry, don't say you are. Edit: it occurs to me that this hooks straight back in to the article's question. Why are most public apologies so bad? Because most of them are made by people who aren't actually sorry.
- Animats 11y agoApologies by politicians and CEOs should be accompanied by a resignation. There is a military tradition that they should be followed by ritual suicide, but that tradition has declined.
- archinal 11y agoThe article highlights a great apology made by Amtrak CEO Joe Boardman after the train accident that killed and injured multiple people. Do you feel that he should have resigned following that? In that case, I feel that although he was the right person to make the apology, it's not necessarily his own personal fault, nor would his resignation help make amends.
- Animats 11y agoOn September 21, 1985, Hiroo Tominaga, a Japan Air Lines maintenance supervisor, committed suicide following the crash of JAL Flight 123. The plane had crashed due to maintenance errors, killing 520 people. He left a note, ''I am atoning with my death.'' The CEO of Japan Air lines, Yasumoto Takagi, resigned, after personally delivering apologies to the families of each victim. That is a proper apology. [1] http://www.nytimes.com/1985/09/22/world/jal-official-dies-apparently-a-suicide.html http://www.nytimes.com/1985/09/22/world/jal-official-dies-ap...
- deleted 11y ago[deleted]
- endgame 11y agoI loaded the page, started reading and the ENTIRE PAGE scrolled away as a giant "Lessons In Startups" mail-signup-modal rolled in from above. GO AWAY YOU SCOURGE OF THE INTERNET.
- TeMPOraL 11y agoI don't know if anyone ever reads those e-mail addresses or if they just go to a big database, but this time it was enough and instead of an e-mail, I wrote a very short opinion piece on this practice of modern beggary.
- klean92 11y ago"Apology is a sign of weakness" I don't know if/when this culture will ever change. One measuring stick will be when we see baseball pitchers apologizing to the batters they hit (intentionally or not).
- deleted 11y ago[deleted]
- thedevil 11y agoThis might get a negative response, but let me present a contrarian view: apologies aren't always wise, even when you screw up and feel bad about it. To explain with an example: I learned to dance salsa a few years ago. I wasn't advanced, but I was pretty good. I was a favorite for many - I could dance with a beginner and make it smooth and fun. At first, I apologized for a mistake even if it was the girls' fault. But if I apologized, the girl stopped following my lead and it would go pretty bad and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I learned not to apologize until the partner had danced with me a couple times and learned to trust me. I suspect with public leaders, it's much worse because most of their interactions are with people who don't know them well.
- kibwen 11y agoThis would be an argument against apologizing for mistakes that aren't your own, which IME comes across as a sign of insecurity and low self-esteem.
- darkerside 11y agoWho's to blame is rarely so clear cut
- kibwen 11y agoI get the impression that the parent is relating instances where it is obvious that the one apologizing is not at fault. The question of "who isn't to blame" is much easier to answer.
- TeMPOraL 11y agoThe important question people too often forget to ask instead is "why blame anyone in the first place?" and "ok, how are we going to make it better now?".
- meric 11y agoApologising for mistakes that aren't your own can also be a sign of supplicating - saying anything to get on the other person's good graces. If the other person's in a confident and strong position often there's no need to apologise for things that are not your fault. If you're dancing with a very good dancer and you're a poor dancer, and she knew that to begin with, there's no need to apologise. Instead, own your poor dancing ability. Exaggerate a little your poor movements. Laugh. Often a person of high skill level don't want to play with a person of low skill level might not even be the skill difference but because they don't want to deal with the low skill level person's insecurities. But if the other person is, for example, was the victim for a crime, then you might apologise even though you weren't the person who broke into their house.
- yuhong 11y agoI also dislike the lack of admission of wrongdoing in most settlements too.
- dclowd9901 11y agoAnyone who feels actual remorse goes through all of the key "requirements" of an apology anyway without even trying. Maybe the biggest problem with public apologies is that they are, in fact, insincere. If I was a board member of a major company, a requirement I would have for a CEO is their ability to feel responsibility and remorse.
- danieltillett 11y agoI would be happy with public figures like CEO’s not personally apologising for the mistakes of their organisation if they also refused to take personal credit for the successes.
- TwoBit 11y agoThe Fonz was trying to say "I was wrong," not "I'm sorry."