7 ms·

I'm terrified that my lack of social skills is limiting my personal and professional lives. I haven't had close friends in 13 years. My coworkers are middle age

by nether 11y ago

I'm terrified that my lack of social skills is limiting my personal and professional lives. I haven't had close friends in 13 years. My coworkers are middle aged, suburban folks, while mostly nice it gets tiresome explaining what a selfie is or how Twitter works (or having them explain football to me), and our workplace (mechanical engineering) is unusually antisocial. The vast, vast majority of the time we only talk about work because we're in a constant mild crunch. The people I've met via Meetup.com have seemed kind of narrow and were mostly older (i.e. a hiking meetup of 20 people where all they talk about is running/hiking). I despise so many aspects of the tech/startup world that I gave up hanging out at coworking spaces years ago. I've met some good individual out on hikes alone, but I can't hold a conversation or keep in touch to save my life. Is there any experience that I could get into serving as a crash course in social skills? It can be expensive like long-term travel, except I've done enough recreational travel to know that I'm just as nervous in a campsite in Europe as I am in an office in the US. I just want to develop these skills before my social ineptitude becomes permanently ingrained.

demian 11y ago
Try this http://www.refinery29.com/rejection-therapy http://www.refinery29.com/rejection-therapy Then this: http://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm http://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm Focus on learning to really listen to what people say. IMHO that's generally the most important and underdeveloped social skill, the rest will follow.
- nether 11y ago
  I feel crushed by small rejections. Burned once, twice shy is true for some people. For me it's 1,000x shy for the rest of my life. Even a minor rebuff can pollute my personality for the rest of my week and increase my pessimism and fear of people. Rejection therapy just seems like it'd push me over the edge into anger and bitterness.
  - CPLX 11y ago
    Yes, and if you lifted heavy weights tomorrow you'd get very sore. If you lifted them every day you wouldn't feel sore and they wouldn't feel heavy. Overcoming discomfort requires enduring discomfort.
    - HeyLaughingBoy 11y ago
      What he said!
  - demian 11y ago
    Yup, it's not going to be easy.
  - jkaunisv1 11y ago
    Have you seen a therapist? It's hard work to reprogram your own brain, and even harder if you try to do it alone. I think of it as a microscope trying to examine itself. Even a few sessions can do a lot to point out your blind spots, give you objective feedback, and drill down on questions that you subconsciously avoid asking yourself.
    - hypatiadotca 11y ago
      +1 this sounds like a job for a therapist, not a Dale Carnegie class.
  - matwood 11y ago
    Go out, talk to people, repeat. You have to learn that a rejection is no big deal. The cliche questions are fine to get started. What is your name, how is your day, what do you do? If they answer with anything more than 1 word answers then they are also interested in talking. Two of Dale Carnegies best items of advice: 1) Remember their name and 2) let them do the talking. Listen and ask a question, listen and ask a question. It is very true that the person who does the most talking in a conversation will typically feel like it was a good interaction. I was once very shy, and decided to change. It took work, but people I know today think I am the most outgoing person they know. They simply do not believe I used to be terrified to talk to other people. I also used to think no one liked me. It just so happened the vibe I gave off was to stay away because of my shyness.
throwaway12309 11y ago
I enjoyed 'How to talk to anyone' - http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/... for general advice. There is also Dale Carnegie's 'How to win friends and influence people' https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influen... Apart from that, maybe join some kind of regular group that is more oriented for social than physical? Toastmasters or something like that or even board game groups (most games have some social aspects to them). Wine tastings also come to mind. Just choose activities where you know you will have to speak with people.
- nether 11y ago
  I've got both of those books and even took a DC communications course (for which I paid out of pocket). They got me into some paralysis by analysis. Every interaction becomes a frantic tree search through the set of conversational rules I learned from those and other advice books. Win Friends in particular seemed very glib and sales/business oriented, rather than aimed at connecting on a sincere level.
  - throwaway12309 11y ago
    Different approach then, have you tried having one or two beers (wine/scotch whatever) before? Not enough to get drunk, but enough for some of that paralysis by analysis to fade?
    - drunkpotato 11y ago
      This is not bad advice. I'm naturally a bit reticent, but a beer or two and I'm chatty and can break through some social barriers. (There's a limit of course, moderation is best.) People call drinking a "crutch" but it's no more so than any other self help advice; alcohol can break down some inhibitions and lead to interesting conversations. (I've heard pot works similarly though I've never used it for social disinhibition myself.)
  - gnaritas 11y ago
vrnut 11y ago
How old are you? Some of the things that have worked for me: * Find extroverted people you can tolerate, they can introduce you to a lot more people. * Find the groups of people who have problems with the tech/startup world but are still interested in tech (Who I'm assuming you're one of), there's a lot of people out there like that and you'll have a lot to talk about. * If you're not great at conversation, try to focus on just being with people, say something like "I don't really have a lot to say, but I appreicate the company". Find people who want to just be around others.
- nether 11y ago
  I'm 30, with very millennial attitudes except not as anti-establishment. Thanks, those sound like good tips.
jebblue 11y ago
>> My coworkers are middle aged, suburban folks, while mostly nice it gets tiresome explaining what a selfie is or how Twitter works Assuming you work in technology, you really know and work with middle aged people who are not aware of the terms selfie and Twitter?
- reagency 11y ago
  Not all technology is mobile phone apps. Some of it is geological engineering, or heavy machinery, or genetics, or...
jasonswett 11y ago
I definitely have some advice. My social skills still aren't very good but they used to be terrible. I was able to at least improve them. * Read How to Win Friends and Influence People * Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People * Join Toastmasters (and, importantly, participate!) * Make it a part of your life to continually study psychology and human nature My life has also improved personally/professionally/socially since I got fired from my last job in 2013 and went freelance. Having to run my own business has forced me to develop social skills and freelancing has given me the opportunity to regularly change the group of people with whom I'm surrounded, which has allowed me to "collect" people I like along the way, which can happen at a regular job but much more slowly.
- WalterGR 11y ago
  Read How to Win Friends and Influence People This is a tremendous, potentially life-changing book with a title that is unfortunately a huge turnoff. This is a book that very much should not be judged by its cover.
  - rayiner 11y ago
    The title seems skeezy today, but it was written in the 1920's and probably didn't come across that way. It helps to say it in your head in an old time-y documentary voice.
deleted 11y ago
[deleted]
cbr 11y ago
Perhaps try other social activities? Pick three very different sorts of meetups and go to them? Ones where you'll be interacting with people, but in a structured way where it's ok if you don't have anything interesting to bring up to talk about? For me social dancing ended up being great, even though I never would have thought of myself as a dancer.
ArkyBeagle 11y ago
Learn how to tell stories. As part of a PIP* I got assigned to Toastmasters. I have no use for that since I already know how to tell stories, but... that's what they do. If you have nieces, nephews, read to them. That's how I learned it. oh yeah it ended ... like that why do you ask. And please understand that I am probably risking my immortal soul by saying this. But life is more fun when you can tell stories. It's the* basic fundamental thing of human cognition.
bitshaker 11y ago
I see this constantly in engineers. My theory is that we're trained to see life as pass/fail and that starts to become a general theory of life. I found this guy to be quite helpful. http://yourcharismacoach.com http://yourcharismacoach.com He's got some great videos like how to warm up to conversations https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtZUx6VLoY0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtZUx6VLoY0 His stuff was so helpful to me I went to a seminar and then hired him and my social skills went through the roof. I got better clients (I run a consulting company), my marriage improved, and I just feel all the more outgoing despite a lifetime of being introverted.

by nether 11y ago

demian 11y ago

Try this http://www.refinery29.com/rejection-therapy http://www.refinery29.com/rejection-therapy Then this: http://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm http://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm Focus on learning to really listen to what people say. IMHO that's generally the most important and underdeveloped social skill, the rest will follow.

nether 11y ago
I feel crushed by small rejections. Burned once, twice shy is true for some people. For me it's 1,000x shy for the rest of my life. Even a minor rebuff can pollute my personality for the rest of my week and increase my pessimism and fear of people. Rejection therapy just seems like it'd push me over the edge into anger and bitterness.
- CPLX 11y ago
  Yes, and if you lifted heavy weights tomorrow you'd get very sore. If you lifted them every day you wouldn't feel sore and they wouldn't feel heavy. Overcoming discomfort requires enduring discomfort.
  - HeyLaughingBoy 11y ago
    What he said!
- demian 11y ago
  Yup, it's not going to be easy.
- jkaunisv1 11y ago
  Have you seen a therapist? It's hard work to reprogram your own brain, and even harder if you try to do it alone. I think of it as a microscope trying to examine itself. Even a few sessions can do a lot to point out your blind spots, give you objective feedback, and drill down on questions that you subconsciously avoid asking yourself.
  - hypatiadotca 11y ago
    +1 this sounds like a job for a therapist, not a Dale Carnegie class.
- matwood 11y ago
  Go out, talk to people, repeat. You have to learn that a rejection is no big deal. The cliche questions are fine to get started. What is your name, how is your day, what do you do? If they answer with anything more than 1 word answers then they are also interested in talking. Two of Dale Carnegies best items of advice: 1) Remember their name and 2) let them do the talking. Listen and ask a question, listen and ask a question. It is very true that the person who does the most talking in a conversation will typically feel like it was a good interaction. I was once very shy, and decided to change. It took work, but people I know today think I am the most outgoing person they know. They simply do not believe I used to be terrified to talk to other people. I also used to think no one liked me. It just so happened the vibe I gave off was to stay away because of my shyness.

throwaway12309 11y ago

I enjoyed 'How to talk to anyone' - http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/... for general advice. There is also Dale Carnegie's 'How to win friends and influence people' https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influen... Apart from that, maybe join some kind of regular group that is more oriented for social than physical? Toastmasters or something like that or even board game groups (most games have some social aspects to them). Wine tastings also come to mind. Just choose activities where you know you will have to speak with people.

nether 11y ago
I've got both of those books and even took a DC communications course (for which I paid out of pocket). They got me into some paralysis by analysis. Every interaction becomes a frantic tree search through the set of conversational rules I learned from those and other advice books. Win Friends in particular seemed very glib and sales/business oriented, rather than aimed at connecting on a sincere level.
- throwaway12309 11y ago
  Different approach then, have you tried having one or two beers (wine/scotch whatever) before? Not enough to get drunk, but enough for some of that paralysis by analysis to fade?
  - drunkpotato 11y ago
    This is not bad advice. I'm naturally a bit reticent, but a beer or two and I'm chatty and can break through some social barriers. (There's a limit of course, moderation is best.) People call drinking a "crutch" but it's no more so than any other self help advice; alcohol can break down some inhibitions and lead to interesting conversations. (I've heard pot works similarly though I've never used it for social disinhibition myself.)
- gnaritas 11y ago

vrnut 11y ago

How old are you? Some of the things that have worked for me: * Find extroverted people you can tolerate, they can introduce you to a lot more people. * Find the groups of people who have problems with the tech/startup world but are still interested in tech (Who I'm assuming you're one of), there's a lot of people out there like that and you'll have a lot to talk about. * If you're not great at conversation, try to focus on just being with people, say something like "I don't really have a lot to say, but I appreicate the company". Find people who want to just be around others.

nether 11y ago
I'm 30, with very millennial attitudes except not as anti-establishment. Thanks, those sound like good tips.

jebblue 11y ago

>> My coworkers are middle aged, suburban folks, while mostly nice it gets tiresome explaining what a selfie is or how Twitter works Assuming you work in technology, you really know and work with middle aged people who are not aware of the terms selfie and Twitter?

reagency 11y ago
Not all technology is mobile phone apps. Some of it is geological engineering, or heavy machinery, or genetics, or...

jasonswett 11y ago

I definitely have some advice. My social skills still aren't very good but they used to be terrible. I was able to at least improve them. * Read How to Win Friends and Influence People * Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People * Join Toastmasters (and, importantly, participate!) * Make it a part of your life to continually study psychology and human nature My life has also improved personally/professionally/socially since I got fired from my last job in 2013 and went freelance. Having to run my own business has forced me to develop social skills and freelancing has given me the opportunity to regularly change the group of people with whom I'm surrounded, which has allowed me to "collect" people I like along the way, which can happen at a regular job but much more slowly.

WalterGR 11y ago
Read How to Win Friends and Influence People This is a tremendous, potentially life-changing book with a title that is unfortunately a huge turnoff. This is a book that very much should not be judged by its cover.
- rayiner 11y ago
  The title seems skeezy today, but it was written in the 1920's and probably didn't come across that way. It helps to say it in your head in an old time-y documentary voice.

deleted 11y ago

[deleted]

cbr 11y ago

Perhaps try other social activities? Pick three very different sorts of meetups and go to them? Ones where you'll be interacting with people, but in a structured way where it's ok if you don't have anything interesting to bring up to talk about? For me social dancing ended up being great, even though I never would have thought of myself as a dancer.

ArkyBeagle 11y ago

Learn how to tell stories. As part of a PIP* I got assigned to Toastmasters. I have no use for that since I already know how to tell stories, but... that's what they do. If you have nieces, nephews, read to them. That's how I learned it. oh yeah it ended ... like that why do you ask. And please understand that I am probably risking my immortal soul by saying this. But life is more fun when you can tell stories. It's the* basic fundamental thing of human cognition.

bitshaker 11y ago

I see this constantly in engineers. My theory is that we're trained to see life as pass/fail and that starts to become a general theory of life. I found this guy to be quite helpful. http://yourcharismacoach.com http://yourcharismacoach.com He's got some great videos like how to warm up to conversations https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtZUx6VLoY0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtZUx6VLoY0 His stuff was so helpful to me I went to a seminar and then hired him and my social skills went through the roof. I got better clients (I run a consulting company), my marriage improved, and I just feel all the more outgoing despite a lifetime of being introverted.