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Rape is very different from showing a breast or two, or two people making love. There are many illustrations of murder which include the psychological impact o

Rape is very different from showing a breast or two, or two people making love. There are many illustrations of murder which include the psychological impact on the victims. I really haven't found any material that empathizes with me, as a rape victim. Instead, every rape and sexual assault scene in Hollywood is 1-5 minutes long and triggers me into wanting to cry and rock back and forth. I haven't seen any of his work regarding sexual violence, but there is a lot more depth to it than just the illustration of it. People who write about it who have never experienced it nor researched it sufficiently will not portray rape in a way that demonstrates the impact it has on the victim. It is often exaggerated and minimized as 'part of the life' of the character that endures it. The reality is that it is like your life was made of glass and rape is the bullet that was shot through it, creating cracks that continue to crack in everything that is connected to it, and sometimes the whole thing shatters and you can't ever imagine how to go back to the person you were before you were raped. You don't know how to put the pieces back together and neither does anyone else. But yet you are expected to keep on going. Happiness without sadness is a thing you don't understand, and you acknowledge that you may never understand. Fear is your best friend and your worst enemy. You might become repulsed by your own body. Your identity may fracture and your sense of reasoning and rationality may twist and warp. Labels follow you everywhere. It is a violation of life.

DenisM 11y ago
That sounds awful. How long has it been? Does it get any better over time?
- deleted 11y ago
  [deleted]
- topoligel 11y ago
  It's been 10 years. I have objectively gotten better, I take better care of myself. Even when I feel like I can not go on, I still get out of bed and I do my daily routine, whether it is going to work or going to the gym and doing my chores. I've hidden in the bathroom at work to cry, and I've had many nights where I've gone to sleep wishing I would not wake up in the morning. I have had some wonderful conversations with people online, and that gives me hope that I will be able to feel happy and be able to recognize it when I feel it. I make art, I make music, and I take great care in learning about computer science and code, and making improvements in it. I have an interest in philosophy and a love of knowledge in general, and I often think it is amusing to me that I use abstract maths to distract myself from traumatic memories, a bit of a quirk that I like about myself. I have my moments where I feel like I think I might love myself and I know who I am, few and far apart they may sometimes be. The last 5 or 6 years have been like a hurricane for me. I still struggle with a lot of things, but I think it has gotten better.
  - enimodas 11y ago
    Have you looked into Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)? I've heard it has good results for long term trauma.
    - topoligel 11y ago
      I have, I met with a licensed psychologist who did this in my area, but we didn't proceed because my experiences as I described them were things he did not think he would be the best with helping.
  - DenisM 11y ago
    That's rough. No one deserves this much anguish and suffering. You mentioned lack of relatable narratives in the media, I think I know one you might find close: "CSI: special victims unit". I only watched one episode, but I found it touching so there is hope the rest of it is close too. Perhaps more importantly, there must be a way for you to have your feelings acknowledged by real, live people. Is there a sex crime victim support group where you live? If there is, I encourage you to attend it, both for you own sake and for the sake of the other people there - they need to be understood in their pain as much you need it. More broadly, what you describe sounds close to PTSD, and anyone who's gone through that hell will readily relate to your story.
    - topoligel 11y ago
      I know I should, but for right now talking on the internet about it (with the ignorance about whether I am truly anonymous blanketing me) is the most I can do. I have had bad experiences in group therapy, I did not find it helpful. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, I know I show many symptoms of it. It makes me upset that it may have held me back in achieving goals in my life, but I just know that regardless, I need to take things slowly. I have too many emotions that distract and cloud my ability to think clearly about things I consider very difficult (mostly stuff in computer science and math). So I just go really slow, as slow as I need to, and I wait for things to click, and then they do. I just try to forget that the rest of the world is still rushing by, and I remind myself that none of that matters to my own personal understanding about the things I want to learn about. I get discouraged a lot, and sometimes my mind can really feel completely clouded, and nothing I do seems to help it, and I can become very afraid that I will be lost in confusion forever. That I am either past my prime, or that I never really was smart, or that I'm too damaged to really persist and actually see the fruits of my labor. Sometimes I think it is good enough to be convinced into persisting despite knowing that I never will actualize, but that thought saddens me in an exceptionally destructive way. I know I am strong and that if there's anything that really keeps me wanting to live day to day, it's being able to experience learning in the right way, and I consider myself lucky that I get to do that even though I work.
enimodas 11y ago
That seems a bit of a generalization. Everyone is different, and deals differently with being raped. While I've read reports like yours where rape causes significant trauma, I've heard and read about others where the people can easily deal with it and move on, even to the point where they complain about the people who get traumatized by it, thinking they shouldn't make such a big deal about it. I wonder how much of our reaction to being raped is influenced by society's idea of how they should react to it, similar to how a toddler sometimes only starts to cry after he noticed the people around him are acting in a way as if something bad happened. Anyone knows of other cultures where rape is treated differently?
- DanBC 11y ago
  Your comment has echoes of how people used to think about child sexual abuse - it only becomes a problem for thechild if the adults make a fuss. We know now that child sexual abuse can be very harmful to the child even with optimum adult reaction to that abuse. We can see changes in the size of bits of the brain, for example.
- maroonblazer 11y ago
  Similarly the stigma associated with rape victims (although its improved markedly in the developed world, it still seems a problem and even more-so in some middle eastern countries). I can't help but think our puritanical attitudes toward sex and its attendant 'cult of virginity' contributes to that stigma; the notion that the victim is somehow existentially damaged.
- pyre 11y ago
  > even to the point where they complain about the people who get traumatized by it Isn't this like a vet complaining about other vets that have PTSD because he/she doesn't have PTSD?
- justinator 11y ago
  > That seems a bit of a generalization. Well, have you been raped, or are your opinions purely formed from a third party position? "Yeah, I heard it's not so bad", is probably one of the most careless, senseless, benevolent quips you can possible make to someone who has been raped. No wonder the judicial system is so flawed when it comes to the victims of this horrible crime. I am so sorry to topoligel who has to read your comment. I'm so sorry to topoligel, just in general. I wish there was something I could do myself, to make things better, other than be a kind, caring, empathic person, and try to do as little harm in my life as possible. I am so sorry the above comment was even uttered. No rape victim needs to hear something like that again
amalcon 11y ago
Thank you for sharing, and I know it doesn't mean much but I'm sorry that such a thing has happened to you.
- topoligel 11y ago
  Thank you for your compassion. It does mean something.

DenisM 11y ago

That sounds awful. How long has it been? Does it get any better over time?

deleted 11y ago
[deleted]
topoligel 11y ago
It's been 10 years. I have objectively gotten better, I take better care of myself. Even when I feel like I can not go on, I still get out of bed and I do my daily routine, whether it is going to work or going to the gym and doing my chores. I've hidden in the bathroom at work to cry, and I've had many nights where I've gone to sleep wishing I would not wake up in the morning. I have had some wonderful conversations with people online, and that gives me hope that I will be able to feel happy and be able to recognize it when I feel it. I make art, I make music, and I take great care in learning about computer science and code, and making improvements in it. I have an interest in philosophy and a love of knowledge in general, and I often think it is amusing to me that I use abstract maths to distract myself from traumatic memories, a bit of a quirk that I like about myself. I have my moments where I feel like I think I might love myself and I know who I am, few and far apart they may sometimes be. The last 5 or 6 years have been like a hurricane for me. I still struggle with a lot of things, but I think it has gotten better.
- enimodas 11y ago
  Have you looked into Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)? I've heard it has good results for long term trauma.
  - topoligel 11y ago
    I have, I met with a licensed psychologist who did this in my area, but we didn't proceed because my experiences as I described them were things he did not think he would be the best with helping.
- DenisM 11y ago
  That's rough. No one deserves this much anguish and suffering. You mentioned lack of relatable narratives in the media, I think I know one you might find close: "CSI: special victims unit". I only watched one episode, but I found it touching so there is hope the rest of it is close too. Perhaps more importantly, there must be a way for you to have your feelings acknowledged by real, live people. Is there a sex crime victim support group where you live? If there is, I encourage you to attend it, both for you own sake and for the sake of the other people there - they need to be understood in their pain as much you need it. More broadly, what you describe sounds close to PTSD, and anyone who's gone through that hell will readily relate to your story.
  - topoligel 11y ago
    I know I should, but for right now talking on the internet about it (with the ignorance about whether I am truly anonymous blanketing me) is the most I can do. I have had bad experiences in group therapy, I did not find it helpful. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, I know I show many symptoms of it. It makes me upset that it may have held me back in achieving goals in my life, but I just know that regardless, I need to take things slowly. I have too many emotions that distract and cloud my ability to think clearly about things I consider very difficult (mostly stuff in computer science and math). So I just go really slow, as slow as I need to, and I wait for things to click, and then they do. I just try to forget that the rest of the world is still rushing by, and I remind myself that none of that matters to my own personal understanding about the things I want to learn about. I get discouraged a lot, and sometimes my mind can really feel completely clouded, and nothing I do seems to help it, and I can become very afraid that I will be lost in confusion forever. That I am either past my prime, or that I never really was smart, or that I'm too damaged to really persist and actually see the fruits of my labor. Sometimes I think it is good enough to be convinced into persisting despite knowing that I never will actualize, but that thought saddens me in an exceptionally destructive way. I know I am strong and that if there's anything that really keeps me wanting to live day to day, it's being able to experience learning in the right way, and I consider myself lucky that I get to do that even though I work.

enimodas 11y ago

That seems a bit of a generalization. Everyone is different, and deals differently with being raped. While I've read reports like yours where rape causes significant trauma, I've heard and read about others where the people can easily deal with it and move on, even to the point where they complain about the people who get traumatized by it, thinking they shouldn't make such a big deal about it. I wonder how much of our reaction to being raped is influenced by society's idea of how they should react to it, similar to how a toddler sometimes only starts to cry after he noticed the people around him are acting in a way as if something bad happened. Anyone knows of other cultures where rape is treated differently?

DanBC 11y ago
Your comment has echoes of how people used to think about child sexual abuse - it only becomes a problem for thechild if the adults make a fuss. We know now that child sexual abuse can be very harmful to the child even with optimum adult reaction to that abuse. We can see changes in the size of bits of the brain, for example.
maroonblazer 11y ago
Similarly the stigma associated with rape victims (although its improved markedly in the developed world, it still seems a problem and even more-so in some middle eastern countries). I can't help but think our puritanical attitudes toward sex and its attendant 'cult of virginity' contributes to that stigma; the notion that the victim is somehow existentially damaged.
pyre 11y ago
> even to the point where they complain about the people who get traumatized by it Isn't this like a vet complaining about other vets that have PTSD because he/she doesn't have PTSD?
justinator 11y ago
> That seems a bit of a generalization. Well, have you been raped, or are your opinions purely formed from a third party position? "Yeah, I heard it's not so bad", is probably one of the most careless, senseless, benevolent quips you can possible make to someone who has been raped. No wonder the judicial system is so flawed when it comes to the victims of this horrible crime. I am so sorry to topoligel who has to read your comment. I'm so sorry to topoligel, just in general. I wish there was something I could do myself, to make things better, other than be a kind, caring, empathic person, and try to do as little harm in my life as possible. I am so sorry the above comment was even uttered. No rape victim needs to hear something like that again

amalcon 11y ago

Thank you for sharing, and I know it doesn't mean much but I'm sorry that such a thing has happened to you.

topoligel 11y ago
Thank you for your compassion. It does mean something.