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Ask HN: Books for assertivness and dealing with confrontation

13 points by miffed 11y ago

I really suck at confrontation. Even discussing different web technologies or changing processes gets me het up. Does anyone have recommendations on good books I can read on the subject? Also, I'm looking for books about improving assertiveness. I've had a search already but it's hard to separate the wheat from the chaff. Thanks for you help!

navanit 11y ago
"Winning through Intimidation" by Robert Ringer is an amazing work that has helped me tremendously.
- hga 11y ago
  I joined this discussion just to recommend that book, it also helped me tremendously; I read it as a teen in the '70s.
mgregory22 11y ago
Crucial Conversations is good.
ObligatoryRef 11y ago
How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. I've found that killing 'em with kindness often produces much better results.
kstenerud 11y ago
Want to learn how to deal with conflict? Get into conflicts regularly. That may sound trite, but it's the same for everything. In theory, it's the same as practice. In practice, it isn't.
antonchekhov 11y ago
"The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships" by Randy Paterson is the best I've read, although "Crucial Conversations" is very good as well. He discusses the three types of barriers (Stress, Social, and Belief) to assertiveness, and offers specific exercises to work through them. He's also very realistic - for example, he mentions that some relationships will become temporarily more difficult once you start asserting yourself more, but you shouldn't be deterred.
mindcrash 11y ago
I suggest to read everything from Marshall Rosenberg and friends on Non Violent Communication [1]. A great way to start is his website [2] and the first chapter of the book with the same name [3]. Do note however that this will probably not help you dealing with toxic narcissistic assholes who are mainly out there to hurt you to make them feel good about themselves in any way they can. You can almost never say or do anything right amongst those, no matter how you behave. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication [2] http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/index.htm http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/index.htm [3] http://nonviolentcommunication.com/store/images/pdf/2a_nvc_chapterone.pdf http://nonviolentcommunication.com/store/images/pdf/2a_nvc_c...
JSeymourATL 11y ago
> I really suck at confrontation. When people become angry, uncertain, and mistrustful-- they physiologically hear less. The ability to take an emotional temperature reading, both yours and the other party-- and deal with it, is vital in all interactions. Here's an uncommon read on assertiveness by Stuart Diamond > www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOZo6Lx70ok
gadders 11y ago
Fight Club

13 points by miffed 11y ago

navanit 11y ago

"Winning through Intimidation" by Robert Ringer is an amazing work that has helped me tremendously.

hga 11y ago
I joined this discussion just to recommend that book, it also helped me tremendously; I read it as a teen in the '70s.

mgregory22 11y ago

Crucial Conversations is good.

ObligatoryRef 11y ago

How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. I've found that killing 'em with kindness often produces much better results.

kstenerud 11y ago

Want to learn how to deal with conflict? Get into conflicts regularly. That may sound trite, but it's the same for everything. In theory, it's the same as practice. In practice, it isn't.

antonchekhov 11y ago

"The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships" by Randy Paterson is the best I've read, although "Crucial Conversations" is very good as well. He discusses the three types of barriers (Stress, Social, and Belief) to assertiveness, and offers specific exercises to work through them. He's also very realistic - for example, he mentions that some relationships will become temporarily more difficult once you start asserting yourself more, but you shouldn't be deterred.

mindcrash 11y ago

I suggest to read everything from Marshall Rosenberg and friends on Non Violent Communication [1]. A great way to start is his website [2] and the first chapter of the book with the same name [3]. Do note however that this will probably not help you dealing with toxic narcissistic assholes who are mainly out there to hurt you to make them feel good about themselves in any way they can. You can almost never say or do anything right amongst those, no matter how you behave. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication [2] http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/index.htm http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/index.htm [3] http://nonviolentcommunication.com/store/images/pdf/2a_nvc_chapterone.pdf http://nonviolentcommunication.com/store/images/pdf/2a_nvc_c...

JSeymourATL 11y ago

> I really suck at confrontation. When people become angry, uncertain, and mistrustful-- they physiologically hear less. The ability to take an emotional temperature reading, both yours and the other party-- and deal with it, is vital in all interactions. Here's an uncommon read on assertiveness by Stuart Diamond > www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOZo6Lx70ok

gadders 11y ago

Fight Club