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I found college to be an exceedingly isolating environment myself. During my entire time there I don't think I made a single lasting friend, and the people I di

by qrendel 11y ago

I found college to be an exceedingly isolating environment myself. During my entire time there I don't think I made a single lasting friend, and the people I did meet were mostly brief acquaintances who turned out to be completely untrustworthy, negative influences (theft, lying, sexual assaults, alcoholism, etc). The availability of new interactions seemed to make individuals easily replaceable, as well as the transience of the experience meant there was no reason to invest in a relationship when you'd both be parting ways soon. All of which leads to the people around you becoming a disposable commodity. Perhaps they were just different environments? I was at a large state school - things might be different at smaller or more selective institutions.

onedev 11y ago
Unfortunately this was my experience at a large state school as well.
kijin 11y ago
Actually, your description of college seems to fit most large cities as well, or pretty much any place with a large transient population. So GP's point might still be true, albeit in an unintended way. Cities are sufficiently similar to large universities that people who are familiar with college will often find city life familiar as well.
Dwolb 11y ago
I think it's a matter of perspective from both parties. Both people can choose to try to build a long lasting friendship or not. It's a matter of both the individuals and the environment. I mean, if you were to meet someone as a freshman in high school, would you were about the same thing? You have 4 years. So what about college was different?
- qrendel 11y ago
  I couldn't answer exactly, but one guess would be that there is more turnover in relationships at very large universities. In high school you largely move through the same classes with the same people in the same grade, versus college where you initially take a bunch of gen ed classes with people whom you may never even run into on campus again, and with more intermixing among a larger population. Also that you're younger in high school, so the time spent there is a greater fraction of your life up to that point, making the experience seem longer overall. A year or two at high school age can seem like an eternity, where as a year or two in your late teens or earlier twenties is a smaller drop in the bucket. Hopefully not just my perception - many seem to acknowledge that time seems to go by faster as you get older. Plus many people go to college, at least the large state schools, with no real intention of actually finishing. Fewer people have that attitude towards high school. Both people can try to build a long lasting friendship, but if only one is trying while the other is being opportunistic, it's less likely to go anywhere (speaking generously).
  - mercer 11y ago
    The reason why for many people college felt like a strong community is probably because they found or stumbled upon one of many such communities within their colleges. Things like: - sports/activity/etc. club with regular events - student organization - dorm life - very specific subculture The basic formula is time + regular 'unstructured' interaction with a a relatively small group of people. College usually provides the first, but the second might take some work. In high school, you get both by default, so there's a decent change you at least made some friends, either from the large group you interact with, or from the tiny group of other outcasts that you're part of. I think many ills of our society would significantly lessen if we create environments and lifestyles where 'time + leisure within small tribe' can exist again. Cities can offer the latter pretty well, but time always seems to be a bit of a problem.
- gohrt 11y ago
  College has 10-20x the number of people per age-cohort.
  - extra88 11y ago
    That's often not true. I went to a high school with fewer than 100 people in my class but then I went to a small liberal arts college where my class was only 5x bigger. I had classmates that went to high schools bigger than our college.
sliverstorm 11y ago
I made a number of good friends in college, and I don't think any were particularly unreliable or shallow- but I do agree that they mostly didn't last. We all went our separate ways, scattered across the world. At least in high school you are all anchored to the same home town- in a big university that draws from far & wide, you don't even have that. Now, I do know clusters of graduates who wound up working in the same cities, and some of them seem to be pretty steady friends. But without that, there is little to hang on to, even if you were good friends.
crimsonalucard 11y ago
Most bonds formed by friendships, however strong, are eventually broken with distance and time. This is different from the "community experience" the OP describes. You don't need eternal lasting meaningful bonds to form a sense of community. The sense of community can be as transient as the bonds of friendship that form the community itself. College is the last place that can potentially offer this type of community but attending college does not guarantee you'll have such an experience. Even though you missed the experience I'm sure you observed this thing in colleges called "Frats." They get a bad rep, but a fraternity is a good example of a place where you will get this sense of community, however transient it is. Still it is in these communities where you can actually form lasting relationships. Although the majority of people don't see each other again, I'm sure most frat members graduate with one or two lasting friendships.
- freditup 11y ago
  You're right. The 'community experience' I had (and I in fact went to a large state school as well as the previous poster) was two-fold: One part was the more transient community you described: I could sit in a downtown coffee shop, sit in a study space on campus, etc. and see throughout the day various friends and acquaintances. And honestly, this felt great. It made me feel surrounded by friends and a quick chat provides a fulfilling diversion from work. Of course, many of these relationships faded/are fading away with time after college as life goes on (and that's neither an inherently good nor bad thing). But I also made deep, meaningful, friendships. And I think this is important because it prevents you from the depressing 'isolated while surrounded by friends' type of feeling that social media can give. For me, these people came from the guys I lived with and near freshman year and guys/girls whom I went to church with. (A church by no means has a monopoly on creating healthy community and many churches have unhealthy community. But a church, that is healthy in my opinion, has fantastic community. It's one with trust and care towards each other regardless of flaws and mistakes. It's also is a diverse community with people of all sorts being brought together by a common hope.) Interestingly, one focus we had as a church was intentionally building these kinds of relationships: asking each other out to breakfast or lunch just one on one and having honest conversations with each other. I think this is a great way to form deeper relationships with friends.

by qrendel 11y ago

onedev 11y ago

Unfortunately this was my experience at a large state school as well.

kijin 11y ago

Actually, your description of college seems to fit most large cities as well, or pretty much any place with a large transient population. So GP's point might still be true, albeit in an unintended way. Cities are sufficiently similar to large universities that people who are familiar with college will often find city life familiar as well.

Dwolb 11y ago

I think it's a matter of perspective from both parties. Both people can choose to try to build a long lasting friendship or not. It's a matter of both the individuals and the environment. I mean, if you were to meet someone as a freshman in high school, would you were about the same thing? You have 4 years. So what about college was different?

qrendel 11y ago
I couldn't answer exactly, but one guess would be that there is more turnover in relationships at very large universities. In high school you largely move through the same classes with the same people in the same grade, versus college where you initially take a bunch of gen ed classes with people whom you may never even run into on campus again, and with more intermixing among a larger population. Also that you're younger in high school, so the time spent there is a greater fraction of your life up to that point, making the experience seem longer overall. A year or two at high school age can seem like an eternity, where as a year or two in your late teens or earlier twenties is a smaller drop in the bucket. Hopefully not just my perception - many seem to acknowledge that time seems to go by faster as you get older. Plus many people go to college, at least the large state schools, with no real intention of actually finishing. Fewer people have that attitude towards high school. Both people can try to build a long lasting friendship, but if only one is trying while the other is being opportunistic, it's less likely to go anywhere (speaking generously).
- mercer 11y ago
  The reason why for many people college felt like a strong community is probably because they found or stumbled upon one of many such communities within their colleges. Things like: - sports/activity/etc. club with regular events - student organization - dorm life - very specific subculture The basic formula is time + regular 'unstructured' interaction with a a relatively small group of people. College usually provides the first, but the second might take some work. In high school, you get both by default, so there's a decent change you at least made some friends, either from the large group you interact with, or from the tiny group of other outcasts that you're part of. I think many ills of our society would significantly lessen if we create environments and lifestyles where 'time + leisure within small tribe' can exist again. Cities can offer the latter pretty well, but time always seems to be a bit of a problem.
gohrt 11y ago
College has 10-20x the number of people per age-cohort.
- extra88 11y ago
  That's often not true. I went to a high school with fewer than 100 people in my class but then I went to a small liberal arts college where my class was only 5x bigger. I had classmates that went to high schools bigger than our college.

sliverstorm 11y ago

I made a number of good friends in college, and I don't think any were particularly unreliable or shallow- but I do agree that they mostly didn't last. We all went our separate ways, scattered across the world. At least in high school you are all anchored to the same home town- in a big university that draws from far & wide, you don't even have that. Now, I do know clusters of graduates who wound up working in the same cities, and some of them seem to be pretty steady friends. But without that, there is little to hang on to, even if you were good friends.

crimsonalucard 11y ago

Most bonds formed by friendships, however strong, are eventually broken with distance and time. This is different from the "community experience" the OP describes. You don't need eternal lasting meaningful bonds to form a sense of community. The sense of community can be as transient as the bonds of friendship that form the community itself. College is the last place that can potentially offer this type of community but attending college does not guarantee you'll have such an experience. Even though you missed the experience I'm sure you observed this thing in colleges called "Frats." They get a bad rep, but a fraternity is a good example of a place where you will get this sense of community, however transient it is. Still it is in these communities where you can actually form lasting relationships. Although the majority of people don't see each other again, I'm sure most frat members graduate with one or two lasting friendships.

freditup 11y ago
You're right. The 'community experience' I had (and I in fact went to a large state school as well as the previous poster) was two-fold: One part was the more transient community you described: I could sit in a downtown coffee shop, sit in a study space on campus, etc. and see throughout the day various friends and acquaintances. And honestly, this felt great. It made me feel surrounded by friends and a quick chat provides a fulfilling diversion from work. Of course, many of these relationships faded/are fading away with time after college as life goes on (and that's neither an inherently good nor bad thing). But I also made deep, meaningful, friendships. And I think this is important because it prevents you from the depressing 'isolated while surrounded by friends' type of feeling that social media can give. For me, these people came from the guys I lived with and near freshman year and guys/girls whom I went to church with. (A church by no means has a monopoly on creating healthy community and many churches have unhealthy community. But a church, that is healthy in my opinion, has fantastic community. It's one with trust and care towards each other regardless of flaws and mistakes. It's also is a diverse community with people of all sorts being brought together by a common hope.) Interestingly, one focus we had as a church was intentionally building these kinds of relationships: asking each other out to breakfast or lunch just one on one and having honest conversations with each other. I think this is a great way to form deeper relationships with friends.