I've experienced this sort of feeling a lot. It's not something I like to talk about with professional colleagues because I am the guy you expect to be more re

I've experienced this sort of feeling a lot. It's not something I like to talk about with professional colleagues because I am the guy you expect to be more reliable than you, and if I am sometimes curled up in a depressed ball unsure if I want to keep breathing, how can I be more reliable than you? Don't do it. You reached out, that's good. What really got me out of the habit of thinking this way - basically a huge distraction from the things you need to do to make yourself happy - was to try and imagine if there was possibly a way to disappear completely without making the lives of the other people I know worse. I will say, in my early years in San Francisco as a student, whenever I felt like there was absolutely no hope, I would take a $2 train to the beach, take my shoes off, and walk the entire length experiencing how small I am and comparing my relatively insignificant problems to the vastness of the ocean. Unfortunately, we can't all have that, but everyone can go outside, stop listening to the same music or whatever over and over and just watch a squirrel climb a tree, two ducks fight over a piece of bread, talk to a homeless person. And whoever's actions you feel are linked to the way you feel right now, surgically remove them from your life. Every time I haven't ended my life, I've had the opportunity to experience amazing things that I couldn't even imagine. The crossroad is an illusion. If you attempt and fail - the most common outcome - you could find yourself further burdened.