5 ms·

Parenting in the age of Paranoia: A Small Manifesto

89 points by bensummers 17y ago

pavelludiq 17y ago
My parents were pretty overprotective. In my teens i managed to secure some freedoms for myself by convincing my parents of my capability to not make stupid decisions. They were still quite protective though. Im pretty sure my social awkwardness wasn't caused by my parents paranoia, but I've noticed that I've gotten progressively less awkward as the opportunities to make stupid decisions grow. Its a miracle what smoking/drinking/getting high with peers could do to your social skills.
- potatolicious 17y ago
  I'm still trying to undo the damage my parents' overprotectiveness has done. I certainly appreciate their efforts to keep me safe from whatever harm they imagined was out there, but it didn't do any favours for my social skills to be sure. I still feel bad that I learned most of my high school lessons in college - and some I'm still learning now that I've entered "real life". I feel woefully behind sometimes.
  - deleted 17y ago
    [deleted]
pmichaud 17y ago
I pretty much agree with him. I've been telling my kid since they were old enough to understand me that the world is a complicated place, and to be careful, but to also live in possibility, not in fear.
whatusername 17y ago
http://freerangekids.wordpress.com http://freerangekids.wordpress.com (and associated books/links) has a similar theme for those who are interested in this. And in general - I agree. (Although it's easy to say that when you don't have kids)
mdemare 17y ago
She says that the world is safer now for kids than it was when she grew up, but I wonder about that. Precisely because there are so few kids roaming the streets, the ones that still do may be more at risk because e.g. drivers don't expect them. For a marvellous account of children being raised without any parental guidance, read Bill Bryson's "The Life And Times Of The Thunderbolt Kid." Highly recommended.
- misuba 17y ago
  "children being raised without any parental guidance" fallacy of the excluded middle much?
RevRal 17y ago
Removing danger from the home is the very best thing that a parent can do. All children are impressionable, and being exposed to evil early will effect the rest of their life. So, as long as you have that handled (as good as it can be handled), then your child will be mostly okay. Of course, we'd need a very good definition of evil. Also, Why I Let My 9-Year-Old Ride the Subway Alone:http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/2008/04/06/why-i-let-my-9-year-old-ride-the-subway-alone/ http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/2008/04/06/why-i-let-my-9...
- cadr 17y ago
  Little confused - remove 'danger' or remove 'evil'? Surely they are different things.
ilyak 17y ago
Parenting is obviously broken. It needs to be fixed ASAP or we just won't have a next generation. Paranoia is one of those brokenesses, there are much more. The reason for it: bullshit is free, hence everyone scares parents to mine them for political power and other goodies. But this breaks parenting more and more because people make wrong choices bases on wrong information.
danbmil99 17y ago
"I won’t be telling her there are bad people out there- " hmm... We may have to agree to disagree.
- mrtron 17y ago
  As I am learning a new language - this is the type of distinction seems most heavily used in English. The world isn't dualistic. There aren't good and bad people that wear different jerseys. There will be some hardcore thug who looks like the scariest dude that will protect your child in an emergency. There will be some teacher/innocent looking person that wrongs your child in some way.
- ams6110 17y ago
  That was the biggest problem I had with this piece. Yes, in fact, there are genuinely evil people in the world. It is certainly possible to be overprotective of a child but this guy seems a little too far to the other extreme.
  - pvg 17y ago
    This guy is not a guy.
    - ams6110 17y ago
      So she isn't. I think of Quinn as a male name and did not read her "about" page.
  - perokreco 17y ago
    I think the fact that you're pointing out that she is too far to the other extreme, just points out how far paranoic parenting has been socially accepted. I think her stance is very correct, and also I am very grateful that I was able to grow up in a third-world country, which allowed me great freedom. I would never want to raise a child in a place where parents do not let their kids walk to school for example.
- alxp 17y ago
  The rest of the sentence puts it in context and is a position I can respect: "I won’t be telling her there are bad people out there- I will tell her even good people can get sick from things like drugs, depression, or anger, and do bad things. "
tel 17y ago
A watched child never boi... grows!
- zck 17y ago
  Well, a watched child won't boil either.
  - viraptor 17y ago
    s/won't/is less likely/ You cannot control the child all the time. At some point you won't be looking and he/she might just as well get hurt. I've hurt, cut, etc. myself while adults were looking at me - we hurt ourselves as adults by accident too. You can't prevent everything "bad" because you're watching.
    - zck 17y ago
      Well, yeah. I was just making a joke about how applying the verb "boil" to a human doesn't make sense.
  - deleted 17y ago
    [deleted]
michaelneale 17y ago
I know topics like this generate some discussion here, and I feel slightly bad flagging it, but for those who can flag, please consider how this is related (or not) to hacker news.
- zck 17y ago
  It's about hacking childhood. It's interesting to think about what taboos society is creating. That's enough to get on this site.
- nkurz 17y ago
  Also, the author is a hacker who once had a magnet implanted into her hand for augmented sensory perception: http://www.wired.com/gadgets/mods/news/2006/06/71087 http://www.wired.com/gadgets/mods/news/2006/06/71087
petercooper 17y ago
Totally agree with this piece. I remember a childhood like that (though it didn't go as far as swimming in the ocean alone) and it's sad so many kids don't get that now and are instead cooped up indoors playing games consoles and watching TV. That said, the world has definitely changed. While I'd agree that the world is actually safer now than ever before, I think people and the sense of community necessary to raise children is significantly worse than when I was a kid - at least here in the UK. People ignore children in a way they never did before - see http://is.gd/51r7d http://is.gd/51r7d - from fears of parental retribution or accusations of paedophilia, which has been a bit of an alarmist topic in the British media for the last 5-10 years here - http://is.gd/51rdy http://is.gd/51rdy. While I'd love to let my daughter have as free and as rich a childhood as I had (richer, even), I'm not convinced British society as a whole provides a healthy environment for her to have that freedom when adults are scared of conversing with unknown children or even helping them in vulnerable or potentially dangerous situations. Can't say I entirely blame this attitude though, as I've ignored quite a few kids for much the same reasons.. though I'd like to believe I'd step in and do something if they were in danger..

89 points by bensummers 17y ago

My parents were pretty overprotective. In my teens i managed to secure some freedoms for myself by convincing my parents of my capability to not make stupid decisions. They were still quite protective though. Im pretty sure my social awkwardness wasn't caused by my parents paranoia, but I've noticed that I've gotten progressively less awkward as the opportunities to make stupid decisions grow. Its a miracle what smoking/drinking/getting high with peers could do to your social skills.

potatolicious 17y ago
I'm still trying to undo the damage my parents' overprotectiveness has done. I certainly appreciate their efforts to keep me safe from whatever harm they imagined was out there, but it didn't do any favours for my social skills to be sure. I still feel bad that I learned most of my high school lessons in college - and some I'm still learning now that I've entered "real life". I feel woefully behind sometimes.
- deleted 17y ago
  [deleted]

pmichaud 17y ago

I pretty much agree with him. I've been telling my kid since they were old enough to understand me that the world is a complicated place, and to be careful, but to also live in possibility, not in fear.

whatusername 17y ago

http://freerangekids.wordpress.com http://freerangekids.wordpress.com (and associated books/links) has a similar theme for those who are interested in this. And in general - I agree. (Although it's easy to say that when you don't have kids)

mdemare 17y ago

She says that the world is safer now for kids than it was when she grew up, but I wonder about that. Precisely because there are so few kids roaming the streets, the ones that still do may be more at risk because e.g. drivers don't expect them. For a marvellous account of children being raised without any parental guidance, read Bill Bryson's "The Life And Times Of The Thunderbolt Kid." Highly recommended.

misuba 17y ago
"children being raised without any parental guidance" fallacy of the excluded middle much?

RevRal 17y ago

Removing danger from the home is the very best thing that a parent can do. All children are impressionable, and being exposed to evil early will effect the rest of their life. So, as long as you have that handled (as good as it can be handled), then your child will be mostly okay. Of course, we'd need a very good definition of evil. Also, Why I Let My 9-Year-Old Ride the Subway Alone:http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/2008/04/06/why-i-let-my-9-year-old-ride-the-subway-alone/ http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/2008/04/06/why-i-let-my-9...

cadr 17y ago
Little confused - remove 'danger' or remove 'evil'? Surely they are different things.

ilyak 17y ago

Parenting is obviously broken. It needs to be fixed ASAP or we just won't have a next generation. Paranoia is one of those brokenesses, there are much more. The reason for it: bullshit is free, hence everyone scares parents to mine them for political power and other goodies. But this breaks parenting more and more because people make wrong choices bases on wrong information.

danbmil99 17y ago

"I won’t be telling her there are bad people out there- " hmm... We may have to agree to disagree.

mrtron 17y ago
As I am learning a new language - this is the type of distinction seems most heavily used in English. The world isn't dualistic. There aren't good and bad people that wear different jerseys. There will be some hardcore thug who looks like the scariest dude that will protect your child in an emergency. There will be some teacher/innocent looking person that wrongs your child in some way.
ams6110 17y ago
That was the biggest problem I had with this piece. Yes, in fact, there are genuinely evil people in the world. It is certainly possible to be overprotective of a child but this guy seems a little too far to the other extreme.
- pvg 17y ago
  This guy is not a guy.
  - ams6110 17y ago
    So she isn't. I think of Quinn as a male name and did not read her "about" page.
- perokreco 17y ago
  I think the fact that you're pointing out that she is too far to the other extreme, just points out how far paranoic parenting has been socially accepted. I think her stance is very correct, and also I am very grateful that I was able to grow up in a third-world country, which allowed me great freedom. I would never want to raise a child in a place where parents do not let their kids walk to school for example.
alxp 17y ago
The rest of the sentence puts it in context and is a position I can respect: "I won’t be telling her there are bad people out there- I will tell her even good people can get sick from things like drugs, depression, or anger, and do bad things. "

tel 17y ago

A watched child never boi... grows!

zck 17y ago
Well, a watched child won't boil either.
- viraptor 17y ago
  s/won't/is less likely/ You cannot control the child all the time. At some point you won't be looking and he/she might just as well get hurt. I've hurt, cut, etc. myself while adults were looking at me - we hurt ourselves as adults by accident too. You can't prevent everything "bad" because you're watching.
  - zck 17y ago
    Well, yeah. I was just making a joke about how applying the verb "boil" to a human doesn't make sense.
- deleted 17y ago
  [deleted]

michaelneale 17y ago

I know topics like this generate some discussion here, and I feel slightly bad flagging it, but for those who can flag, please consider how this is related (or not) to hacker news.

zck 17y ago
It's about hacking childhood. It's interesting to think about what taboos society is creating. That's enough to get on this site.
nkurz 17y ago
Also, the author is a hacker who once had a magnet implanted into her hand for augmented sensory perception: http://www.wired.com/gadgets/mods/news/2006/06/71087 http://www.wired.com/gadgets/mods/news/2006/06/71087

petercooper 17y ago

Totally agree with this piece. I remember a childhood like that (though it didn't go as far as swimming in the ocean alone) and it's sad so many kids don't get that now and are instead cooped up indoors playing games consoles and watching TV. That said, the world has definitely changed. While I'd agree that the world is actually safer now than ever before, I think people and the sense of community necessary to raise children is significantly worse than when I was a kid - at least here in the UK. People ignore children in a way they never did before - see http://is.gd/51r7d http://is.gd/51r7d - from fears of parental retribution or accusations of paedophilia, which has been a bit of an alarmist topic in the British media for the last 5-10 years here - http://is.gd/51rdy http://is.gd/51rdy. While I'd love to let my daughter have as free and as rich a childhood as I had (richer, even), I'm not convinced British society as a whole provides a healthy environment for her to have that freedom when adults are scared of conversing with unknown children or even helping them in vulnerable or potentially dangerous situations. Can't say I entirely blame this attitude though, as I've ignored quite a few kids for much the same reasons.. though I'd like to believe I'd step in and do something if they were in danger..