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I had problems with this when younger, and I can point you in two directions: 1. Empathy. This is about understanding others. I think this is 80% of "being

I had problems with this when younger, and I can point you in two directions: 1. Empathy. This is about understanding others. I think this is 80% of "being kind". It's a learnable skill. I learned through books and trial and error, though lately I suggest this book "Empathy: why it matters and how to get it". http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00HDMMEP2 http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00HDMMEP2 2. Observe/Listen. Many conversations we are planning our next point rather than really deeply observing and listening to the other person: their eyes, body language, voice timber, gestures, and phrasing of the words they use. Huge amounts of information is on display in the shortest of phrases. Playing back observations to another is one of the simplest acts of kindness: it validates, affirms, shows interest, admits nuance, etc. There are a few references on how to pick up on this stuff, though for entertainment value I'd recommend the more mainstream PUA books such as "The Game" or "Rules of the Game" as it is good information on non verbal communication even though the purpose is seedy.

pellaeon 11y ago
> Many conversations we are planning our next point rather than really deeply observing and listening to the other person I often hear similiar suggestions to be empathic on others, but I find it difficult in practice too. To deeply observe others and to understand their points and to accurately express my points all at the same time is hard for me. Simply considering phrasing and planning my points alone is mentally exhausting enough. (I admit my verbal skill is not that good.) Let alone to mention considering others' feelings. I did try to think about others' feelings, then I found myself having to pause and think (which is not so good for a conversation), sometimes forgetting others' points, and sometimes making less clear, reasonable, persuasive points. Just sharing my experience, I guess this all could be improved by practice. Though I'd be thrilled for some tips.
- parasubvert 11y ago
  Yes, this all can be improved with practice. But it also means caring differently about the outcome of communication. Like it might take more than one conversation, or it might not matter all that much if you can't get your ideas across to the other person this particular moment. I find I argue a lot less with people as I get older unless I really know the person, because it's so easy to be misinterpreted. I've found that a Socratic approach helps a ton if I'm not thinking straight - asking more questions about the areas I am worried about is easier to form for me when I am not able to articulate a position. By asking questions you are simultaneously showing empathy and communicating your own thoughts. A lot of it depends on the situation and past history - sometimes people are in need of a full bore reality check and don't need much empathy. :) Other times it helps if you care less about the outcome of the conversation - ie. It's okay to defer the issue to give you time to think. Or to just let the other person "win", if the topic isn't all that important. Anyway I appreciate you sharing the experience, it made me reflect on how I have changed.
  - pellaeon 11y ago
    Good point on caring differently about the outcome, you reminds me that I might be caring too much on winning the conversation much of the time. > it might not matter all that much if you can't get your ideas across to the other person this particular moment. Yeah, I have always been eager to get my ideas through (because I want to get things done), with your words I see now I don't need to rush getting ideas through all at once, it should be done in a timely manner. I guess this is why some people describe me as being too eager or impetuous, I see the reason now. Socratic approach really seems to be a good suitable way around this, thanks a lot for the tip.

pellaeon 11y ago

> Many conversations we are planning our next point rather than really deeply observing and listening to the other person I often hear similiar suggestions to be empathic on others, but I find it difficult in practice too. To deeply observe others and to understand their points and to accurately express my points all at the same time is hard for me. Simply considering phrasing and planning my points alone is mentally exhausting enough. (I admit my verbal skill is not that good.) Let alone to mention considering others' feelings. I did try to think about others' feelings, then I found myself having to pause and think (which is not so good for a conversation), sometimes forgetting others' points, and sometimes making less clear, reasonable, persuasive points. Just sharing my experience, I guess this all could be improved by practice. Though I'd be thrilled for some tips.

parasubvert 11y ago
Yes, this all can be improved with practice. But it also means caring differently about the outcome of communication. Like it might take more than one conversation, or it might not matter all that much if you can't get your ideas across to the other person this particular moment. I find I argue a lot less with people as I get older unless I really know the person, because it's so easy to be misinterpreted. I've found that a Socratic approach helps a ton if I'm not thinking straight - asking more questions about the areas I am worried about is easier to form for me when I am not able to articulate a position. By asking questions you are simultaneously showing empathy and communicating your own thoughts. A lot of it depends on the situation and past history - sometimes people are in need of a full bore reality check and don't need much empathy. :) Other times it helps if you care less about the outcome of the conversation - ie. It's okay to defer the issue to give you time to think. Or to just let the other person "win", if the topic isn't all that important. Anyway I appreciate you sharing the experience, it made me reflect on how I have changed.
- pellaeon 11y ago
  Good point on caring differently about the outcome, you reminds me that I might be caring too much on winning the conversation much of the time. > it might not matter all that much if you can't get your ideas across to the other person this particular moment. Yeah, I have always been eager to get my ideas through (because I want to get things done), with your words I see now I don't need to rush getting ideas through all at once, it should be done in a timely manner. I guess this is why some people describe me as being too eager or impetuous, I see the reason now. Socratic approach really seems to be a good suitable way around this, thanks a lot for the tip.