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I am an Engineering major(I have been programming since I was 13), and I have a bad habit of over-analyzing everything. I never skim over the details, and I alw

I am an Engineering major(I have been programming since I was 13), and I have a bad habit of over-analyzing everything. I never skim over the details, and I always try to dig into a topic as much as I can to make sure my interpretations are correct. Because of this attitude, I can not enjoy fantasy novels. They ask me to bridge the gap between multiple paragraphs with insufficient information. But at the same time, I am really comfortable with technical writing; no matter how complicated they are. My girlfriend tells me I am mean to people, and I am not very kind. But it can't be furthest from the truth(from my perspective). I have never had any intention to hurt anyone. Gosh! I don't even hurt an ant. All she tells me is that I am `good person`. So I asked her to demonstrate me some of the variants of conversation where I don't come of as an unkind person. I thought with enough examples, I'd able to extract a pattern. She has been trying this for the last couple of years. But it's not working. I am yet to find a pattern, and unless I find a pattern I don't know what the anti-pattern will be. The best solution I've found thus far is to smile and remain silent. But that can't be the only solution. So my question to HN crowd, How do I learn to be kind?

mberning 11y ago
Kill your ego. That is step one.
siscia 11y ago
I guess we are in the same ship... I believe to just don't care much about detail, someone is saying something that is not completely true ? As long as the main point is correct no one care about little detail. No be pedantic... Try to emphasasis with whoever know a little less than you, do you remember the last time you learned lets say closure ? They were hard at first ? What does it even means to return a function ? Now you use closure everyday. Whenever somebody ask you about closure remember how you felt the first time you were learning it ? "function than return another function" is true, but it does not help anybody who is learning... Why ? What is the point ? How it is possible ? When they should be used ? Go deeper in your explanation, it will make you more a mentor than a simple asoles that know a lot of pointless thing but does not what to help anybody... Also, I made the same mistake over and over... When somebody tell me something I am used to register just what they told me. It looks like that people wrap any single word in a huge contest that I never consider... So it may happens that if I say something in the wrong tone, other people think: "Ohhh he consider himself so smart that he said that in that nasty way... For sure he think I am stupid" and I sound mean... But definitely is not what I want... Anyway, I still have lot to learn...
bo1024 11y ago
I think kindness comes in two steps. (1) Empathy. Think about what the other person is thinking and feeling. Think about how your words and actions can affect them either positively or negatively. (2) Implementation. When you speak or act, make others' desires or happiness a priority even if it conflicts with your own to some extent. How you manage that tradeoff is of course up to you.
parasubvert 11y ago
I had problems with this when younger, and I can point you in two directions: 1. Empathy. This is about understanding others. I think this is 80% of "being kind". It's a learnable skill. I learned through books and trial and error, though lately I suggest this book "Empathy: why it matters and how to get it". http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00HDMMEP2 http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00HDMMEP2 2. Observe/Listen. Many conversations we are planning our next point rather than really deeply observing and listening to the other person: their eyes, body language, voice timber, gestures, and phrasing of the words they use. Huge amounts of information is on display in the shortest of phrases. Playing back observations to another is one of the simplest acts of kindness: it validates, affirms, shows interest, admits nuance, etc. There are a few references on how to pick up on this stuff, though for entertainment value I'd recommend the more mainstream PUA books such as "The Game" or "Rules of the Game" as it is good information on non verbal communication even though the purpose is seedy.
- pellaeon 11y ago
  > Many conversations we are planning our next point rather than really deeply observing and listening to the other person I often hear similiar suggestions to be empathic on others, but I find it difficult in practice too. To deeply observe others and to understand their points and to accurately express my points all at the same time is hard for me. Simply considering phrasing and planning my points alone is mentally exhausting enough. (I admit my verbal skill is not that good.) Let alone to mention considering others' feelings. I did try to think about others' feelings, then I found myself having to pause and think (which is not so good for a conversation), sometimes forgetting others' points, and sometimes making less clear, reasonable, persuasive points. Just sharing my experience, I guess this all could be improved by practice. Though I'd be thrilled for some tips.
  - parasubvert 11y ago
    Yes, this all can be improved with practice. But it also means caring differently about the outcome of communication. Like it might take more than one conversation, or it might not matter all that much if you can't get your ideas across to the other person this particular moment. I find I argue a lot less with people as I get older unless I really know the person, because it's so easy to be misinterpreted. I've found that a Socratic approach helps a ton if I'm not thinking straight - asking more questions about the areas I am worried about is easier to form for me when I am not able to articulate a position. By asking questions you are simultaneously showing empathy and communicating your own thoughts. A lot of it depends on the situation and past history - sometimes people are in need of a full bore reality check and don't need much empathy. :) Other times it helps if you care less about the outcome of the conversation - ie. It's okay to defer the issue to give you time to think. Or to just let the other person "win", if the topic isn't all that important. Anyway I appreciate you sharing the experience, it made me reflect on how I have changed.
kaeluka 11y ago
I needed to learn that others are interesting even though they have nothing to say about what's on my mind right now. From that came everything else.
- ffaust 11y ago
  READ THAT LAST AGAIN. beautiful. and well put. thank you.
- ffaust 11y ago
  a suggestion to everyone: read that last comment again. beautiful. and well put. thank you.
kabouseng 11y ago
Perhaps a good start would be to read "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. It doesn't address your concern directly but in the book you will find the pattern you seek for being perceived as kind by other people. http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People-ebook/dp/B0044XUINS http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People-ebook...

mberning 11y ago

Kill your ego. That is step one.

siscia 11y ago

I guess we are in the same ship... I believe to just don't care much about detail, someone is saying something that is not completely true ? As long as the main point is correct no one care about little detail. No be pedantic... Try to emphasasis with whoever know a little less than you, do you remember the last time you learned lets say closure ? They were hard at first ? What does it even means to return a function ? Now you use closure everyday. Whenever somebody ask you about closure remember how you felt the first time you were learning it ? "function than return another function" is true, but it does not help anybody who is learning... Why ? What is the point ? How it is possible ? When they should be used ? Go deeper in your explanation, it will make you more a mentor than a simple asoles that know a lot of pointless thing but does not what to help anybody... Also, I made the same mistake over and over... When somebody tell me something I am used to register just what they told me. It looks like that people wrap any single word in a huge contest that I never consider... So it may happens that if I say something in the wrong tone, other people think: "Ohhh he consider himself so smart that he said that in that nasty way... For sure he think I am stupid" and I sound mean... But definitely is not what I want... Anyway, I still have lot to learn...

bo1024 11y ago

I think kindness comes in two steps. (1) Empathy. Think about what the other person is thinking and feeling. Think about how your words and actions can affect them either positively or negatively. (2) Implementation. When you speak or act, make others' desires or happiness a priority even if it conflicts with your own to some extent. How you manage that tradeoff is of course up to you.

parasubvert 11y ago

I had problems with this when younger, and I can point you in two directions: 1. Empathy. This is about understanding others. I think this is 80% of "being kind". It's a learnable skill. I learned through books and trial and error, though lately I suggest this book "Empathy: why it matters and how to get it". http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00HDMMEP2 http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00HDMMEP2 2. Observe/Listen. Many conversations we are planning our next point rather than really deeply observing and listening to the other person: their eyes, body language, voice timber, gestures, and phrasing of the words they use. Huge amounts of information is on display in the shortest of phrases. Playing back observations to another is one of the simplest acts of kindness: it validates, affirms, shows interest, admits nuance, etc. There are a few references on how to pick up on this stuff, though for entertainment value I'd recommend the more mainstream PUA books such as "The Game" or "Rules of the Game" as it is good information on non verbal communication even though the purpose is seedy.

pellaeon 11y ago
> Many conversations we are planning our next point rather than really deeply observing and listening to the other person I often hear similiar suggestions to be empathic on others, but I find it difficult in practice too. To deeply observe others and to understand their points and to accurately express my points all at the same time is hard for me. Simply considering phrasing and planning my points alone is mentally exhausting enough. (I admit my verbal skill is not that good.) Let alone to mention considering others' feelings. I did try to think about others' feelings, then I found myself having to pause and think (which is not so good for a conversation), sometimes forgetting others' points, and sometimes making less clear, reasonable, persuasive points. Just sharing my experience, I guess this all could be improved by practice. Though I'd be thrilled for some tips.
- parasubvert 11y ago
  Yes, this all can be improved with practice. But it also means caring differently about the outcome of communication. Like it might take more than one conversation, or it might not matter all that much if you can't get your ideas across to the other person this particular moment. I find I argue a lot less with people as I get older unless I really know the person, because it's so easy to be misinterpreted. I've found that a Socratic approach helps a ton if I'm not thinking straight - asking more questions about the areas I am worried about is easier to form for me when I am not able to articulate a position. By asking questions you are simultaneously showing empathy and communicating your own thoughts. A lot of it depends on the situation and past history - sometimes people are in need of a full bore reality check and don't need much empathy. :) Other times it helps if you care less about the outcome of the conversation - ie. It's okay to defer the issue to give you time to think. Or to just let the other person "win", if the topic isn't all that important. Anyway I appreciate you sharing the experience, it made me reflect on how I have changed.

kaeluka 11y ago

I needed to learn that others are interesting even though they have nothing to say about what's on my mind right now. From that came everything else.

ffaust 11y ago
READ THAT LAST AGAIN. beautiful. and well put. thank you.
ffaust 11y ago
a suggestion to everyone: read that last comment again. beautiful. and well put. thank you.

kabouseng 11y ago

Perhaps a good start would be to read "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. It doesn't address your concern directly but in the book you will find the pattern you seek for being perceived as kind by other people. http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People-ebook/dp/B0044XUINS http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People-ebook...