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LISTEN. LISTEN. LISTEN. And actually pay attention. It's astounding how much people suck at this simple task. Lately I'm beginning to feel like most of my

LISTEN. LISTEN. LISTEN. And actually pay attention. It's astounding how much people suck at this simple task. Lately I'm beginning to feel like most of my conversations go like this: I'll begin talking with someone about a certain topic (that I clearly thought was important enough to share), and about two sentences into my discourse, the phone in their pocket buzzes. So of course they pull it out and start typing. I pause. "Go on, I'm listening," they'll say, waving their hand up at me from their phone. Doubtful, I continue speaking. But then some car outside honks and of course they have to turn around to see what all the commotion was about. Then they notice a cute dog walking by. "Oh! Look at that terrier! My friend has one just like it. I think I might get a dog soon." Then they go back to typing on their phone. Again, I pause. Realizing they're not going to prompt me to resume this time, I take the initiative upon myself and continue where I left off. After a few more sentences, I finish making my point and stop talking. And wait. Then... nothing. "...sooo?" I inquire. "Uhh.. so what?" They stare back at me blankly. "Sooo... what do you think about all that?" (along with an implied "I wouldn't have wasted my breath speaking if I didn't value your input and seek your feedback. Why else would I vocalize in your direction?") "Um, uhh... I don't know. I guess you're probably right. Oh, by the way, do you want go to [random sports event] this weekend? Me and a few friends are probably going to go, and we can get tickets cheaper if we pay by Tuesday." I worry that in a few more years I'll just quit speaking altogether.

obstinate 11y ago
Another important thing is to know what is more engaging than a text message to your conversation partner. (If the answer is nothing, then maybe stop talking to that person.)
- pjc50 11y ago
  This doesn't work if the conversation is important to you but not to them, such as if you need their input on something.
  - orthecreedence 11y ago
    If you need their input, you tell them to put the phone down and please focus. I've had to do this with my friend. I love him to death, but he can't keep his hands off his phone during a conversation. A calm, steady "hey, I'd really like your focus right now" works wonders. A lot of this comes down to value. When someone you're talking to pulls their phone out mid-conversation, they are devaluing you over whatever idiotic notification they got. If it's a one-on-one conversation with them, depending on the situation you can start doing something of value to you and put them on hold until you're ready to talk again. However if this happens at a party or something, you can just leave and talk to another set of people. Don't get too hung up on trying to prove a point or have a passionate talk with someone who just isn't there. Move on and have the conversation (or another one!) with someone else. There are 7 billion people on Earth. If one of them is being an ass with their phone, move on to the next person. If you are already invested in that person, let them know you want their focus. And also, please don't be that person. If someone is talking to you and your phone buzzes, ignore it. Life goes on. Trust me. If you're expecting a call you need to take, preface any conversation with "Hey I might need to take a call soon." Common sense manners and politeness go a long way.
ci5er 11y ago
> I worry that in a few more years I'll just quit speaking altogether. Why would you worry about that? It can actually be quite liberating. The CEO will email me and ask if I would like to joint the rest of his staff in a pow-wow. I email back: "No". I haven't gotten to the point where I have stopped calling customers or investors back, but in general, this has been working out better for everyone involved.
- pizza 11y ago
  I sat awhile in perfect silence, rallying my stunned faculties. Immediately it occurred to me that my ears had deceived me, or Bartleby had entirely misunderstood my meaning. I repeated my request in the clearest tone I could assume; but in quite as clear a one came the previous reply, "I would prefer not to."
jcutrell 11y ago
I agree with you (overall). Somewhat sad that you pulled sports into the equation as a part of the negative persona. Also, kind of ironic that you didn't pay attention to the sports event they invited you to. :) (End sportsball shaming!)
- Xcelerate 11y ago
  It was just an example haha. (I was actually a D1 athlete myself, so I certainly have nothing against sports!)

obstinate 11y ago

Another important thing is to know what is more engaging than a text message to your conversation partner. (If the answer is nothing, then maybe stop talking to that person.)

pjc50 11y ago
This doesn't work if the conversation is important to you but not to them, such as if you need their input on something.
- orthecreedence 11y ago
  If you need their input, you tell them to put the phone down and please focus. I've had to do this with my friend. I love him to death, but he can't keep his hands off his phone during a conversation. A calm, steady "hey, I'd really like your focus right now" works wonders. A lot of this comes down to value. When someone you're talking to pulls their phone out mid-conversation, they are devaluing you over whatever idiotic notification they got. If it's a one-on-one conversation with them, depending on the situation you can start doing something of value to you and put them on hold until you're ready to talk again. However if this happens at a party or something, you can just leave and talk to another set of people. Don't get too hung up on trying to prove a point or have a passionate talk with someone who just isn't there. Move on and have the conversation (or another one!) with someone else. There are 7 billion people on Earth. If one of them is being an ass with their phone, move on to the next person. If you are already invested in that person, let them know you want their focus. And also, please don't be that person. If someone is talking to you and your phone buzzes, ignore it. Life goes on. Trust me. If you're expecting a call you need to take, preface any conversation with "Hey I might need to take a call soon." Common sense manners and politeness go a long way.

ci5er 11y ago

> I worry that in a few more years I'll just quit speaking altogether. Why would you worry about that? It can actually be quite liberating. The CEO will email me and ask if I would like to joint the rest of his staff in a pow-wow. I email back: "No". I haven't gotten to the point where I have stopped calling customers or investors back, but in general, this has been working out better for everyone involved.

pizza 11y ago
I sat awhile in perfect silence, rallying my stunned faculties. Immediately it occurred to me that my ears had deceived me, or Bartleby had entirely misunderstood my meaning. I repeated my request in the clearest tone I could assume; but in quite as clear a one came the previous reply, "I would prefer not to."

jcutrell 11y ago

I agree with you (overall). Somewhat sad that you pulled sports into the equation as a part of the negative persona. Also, kind of ironic that you didn't pay attention to the sports event they invited you to. :) (End sportsball shaming!)

Xcelerate 11y ago
It was just an example haha. (I was actually a D1 athlete myself, so I certainly have nothing against sports!)