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34yo here. Experience something horrible. I grew up in a ridiculously perfect fantasyland. My parents, who have an ideal marriage, told me I was the best at e

34yo here. Experience something horrible. I grew up in a ridiculously perfect fantasyland. My parents, who have an ideal marriage, told me I was the best at everything, encouraged every dream I had, paid for college and insulated me from all of life's difficulties re: money, stress, etc. To make matters worse, I excelled right along with the praise -- made good grades, got into a top-10 college, started a company after college which was lifestyle-profitable for 7 years. (It could have been a major score if I'd executed better, but that's beside the point.) When my company started to decline post-2008, I had to go get a job. I excelled at it, but got crossways with my boss for entirely personal reasons and was fired. This back-to-back double-whammy was by far the worst experience of my life. I'd never experienced failure or rejection and my psyche/ego simply didn't know how to handle it. I sunk into a depression for 3 years. It's not hyperbole to say I almost didn't survive it. But I'm on the other side of it now. The darkness is receding. I know this because I know the double-whammy was entirely necessary for me. The spoiled brat is gone. I empathize with others. I care about the journey people have taken to the point where I meet them. None of that mattered before. It was all me, me, me, the worldbeater. Yeah I'm in my mid 30s now and the past 5 years were tough. But I'm glad I've already spanned the chasm now than in my mid-50s. Now I'm better prepared for things to come. One slightly separate piece: I used to have massive entrepreneurial angst. I was a person who looked at those who have "made" it and got angry. Angry at lack of co-founders. Angry that my school's alumni network doesn't have the best SV connections. Angry at perceived ageism in tech circles... But now I know that all advantages others might have on you -- better schooling, younger, lucky career breaks, etc -- can be trumped by one thing: traction. It doesn't matter if you're white, black, purple, one-armed, blind, gay or republican -- If you have something worth investing in, you can find investors. Period.

JoshTriplett 11y ago
> My parents, who have an ideal marriage, told me I was the best at everything, encouraged every dream I had, paid for college and insulated me from all of life's difficulties re: money, stress, etc. Related to this: if you have kids yourself, or you're in a position of providing guidance for kids, keep providing a safe and consistent environment for them yourself, but teach them that the world is not fair, that adults are not always right and not always consistent, that they themselves are not always the smartest person in the room (nor should they always want to be), and that other people care about themselves much more than them. Or, in short, don't just teach them that the world is awesome (though it can be); teach them how to get what they want out of a world that's not out to hand it to them.
- kenjackson 11y ago
  This is a place where sports are great for kids. They will almost certainly lose. They'll meet kids that are better at the sport. They'll get hammered, bruised, scraped. They'll have to get back up and keep trying. They'll want to get back up and keep trying. To quote Snoop Dog, "Are you hurt or are you injured?!" Sports, IMO, are one of the best ways that families that have everything "put together" can show their kids some adversity. And for kids, everything is local. So while losing a basketball game, isn't like a dad losing a job, for the kid it can still seem like a really big deal.
  - JoshTriplett 11y ago
    Competition in general is good for this, whether in sports, academics, science fairs, or just in general trying to build the best $something; whatever you're interested in. If you're consistently the top of one of those, then find a broader one where you're not. (And if you really are at the top of the world's highest competitions, congrats, you really are that good, but that's much less common than being the top student in a class of 30 kids; the latter is awesome and praiseworthy but should be kept in perspective.) In that regard, it's all about calibration. If you're the smartest person in the room, good for you, but you should also find another room where there's more challenge to be had and more fun to be had. Note that all levels of accomplishment are something to celebrate; I'm not suggesting the kind of "nothing is ever good enough" reaction that leads to kids doing things they don't actually have an interest in doing. However, when you find an area of interest, go deep into it and find creative challenges that push you to go even further. Also, those kinds of competitions, whether sports or academic, aren't necessarily a sufficient view into human nature. For example, most competitions like that have a clear set of rules and take a dim view of cheaters, while many other aspects of life reward creatively "cheating" to get ahead over always doing things the long way like everyone else is. Consider how people talk about finding a creative solution that takes less work: "I could have written a complete implementation of $foo myself, but I cheated by hacking $bar into mostly doing it for me, and it worked well enough to get the job done." See also Larry Wall's praise of "laziness, impatience, and hubris". A consistent process and consistent rules produces consistent results; that's good for not doing worse than normal, but it also means you'll never find a way to do better than normal. Find ways to reward creative solutions over unthinking rule-following. Play games that rely on creative deception and hidden information. In a competition with rules, follow the rules; in life, have a set of principles you live by, but don't automatically respect every arbitrary rule, especially the implicit unwritten ones that nobody questions. Just make sure you understand the implications and consequences, because it might be there for a reason rather than solely for the sake of arbitrariness.
spydum 11y ago
> Experience something horrible. There is absolutely something transformative about being purified by fire (trials), which sorts helps sort out your priorities.
brc 11y ago
I had a set of major setbacks when I was 21. Job setbacks. Relationship setbacks. Housing setbacks. Everything went wrong, and at the time my parents were travelling remotely and for the first time I had to sort out my problems myself. I look back with amazement on that period which defined who I am more than any other period. What I learnt always that I could get back on my feet, I could turn things around, and when I did, I no longer took things for granted, whether that was jobs, friendships, relationships and more. I almost pity anyone who hasn't gone through a rough period as they haven't been able to test out who they really are.
koreyhinton 11y ago
I agree experiencing something horrible teaches you things you wouldn't learn otherwise, but certainly I wouldn't intentionally choose to do something because it will be a horrible experience. To me, it would be better to be prepared to cope with something horrible or learn how to avoid it altogether. I've struggled with being a young father, student, husband to a wife that struggles with depression, and being sole-provider living pay check to pay check for years. I was never prepared for all the stress and difficulties that comes along with all that. I've now learned to choose my commitments very carefully. When I was younger I also lived in a perfect fantasyland, but since I've become an adult I've dealt with stresses and depression for so long I relate more to advice along the lines of "take it easy", "relax", and "find enjoyable things in life". I wish earlier in life I would have been taught more about coping with difficulties and less about the long checklist of things I have to accomplish to be successful or perfect in life. I've learned to get rid of the guilt that comes along with the "being perfect" mentality. I've been told throughout my entire childhood that hardship will make me stronger. While it may be true in some cases, follow that advice to a T and you'll end up weaker. Sometimes choosing the easier path is better for your health.

JoshTriplett 11y ago

> My parents, who have an ideal marriage, told me I was the best at everything, encouraged every dream I had, paid for college and insulated me from all of life's difficulties re: money, stress, etc. Related to this: if you have kids yourself, or you're in a position of providing guidance for kids, keep providing a safe and consistent environment for them yourself, but teach them that the world is not fair, that adults are not always right and not always consistent, that they themselves are not always the smartest person in the room (nor should they always want to be), and that other people care about themselves much more than them. Or, in short, don't just teach them that the world is awesome (though it can be); teach them how to get what they want out of a world that's not out to hand it to them.

kenjackson 11y ago
This is a place where sports are great for kids. They will almost certainly lose. They'll meet kids that are better at the sport. They'll get hammered, bruised, scraped. They'll have to get back up and keep trying. They'll want to get back up and keep trying. To quote Snoop Dog, "Are you hurt or are you injured?!" Sports, IMO, are one of the best ways that families that have everything "put together" can show their kids some adversity. And for kids, everything is local. So while losing a basketball game, isn't like a dad losing a job, for the kid it can still seem like a really big deal.
- JoshTriplett 11y ago
  Competition in general is good for this, whether in sports, academics, science fairs, or just in general trying to build the best $something; whatever you're interested in. If you're consistently the top of one of those, then find a broader one where you're not. (And if you really are at the top of the world's highest competitions, congrats, you really are that good, but that's much less common than being the top student in a class of 30 kids; the latter is awesome and praiseworthy but should be kept in perspective.) In that regard, it's all about calibration. If you're the smartest person in the room, good for you, but you should also find another room where there's more challenge to be had and more fun to be had. Note that all levels of accomplishment are something to celebrate; I'm not suggesting the kind of "nothing is ever good enough" reaction that leads to kids doing things they don't actually have an interest in doing. However, when you find an area of interest, go deep into it and find creative challenges that push you to go even further. Also, those kinds of competitions, whether sports or academic, aren't necessarily a sufficient view into human nature. For example, most competitions like that have a clear set of rules and take a dim view of cheaters, while many other aspects of life reward creatively "cheating" to get ahead over always doing things the long way like everyone else is. Consider how people talk about finding a creative solution that takes less work: "I could have written a complete implementation of $foo myself, but I cheated by hacking $bar into mostly doing it for me, and it worked well enough to get the job done." See also Larry Wall's praise of "laziness, impatience, and hubris". A consistent process and consistent rules produces consistent results; that's good for not doing worse than normal, but it also means you'll never find a way to do better than normal. Find ways to reward creative solutions over unthinking rule-following. Play games that rely on creative deception and hidden information. In a competition with rules, follow the rules; in life, have a set of principles you live by, but don't automatically respect every arbitrary rule, especially the implicit unwritten ones that nobody questions. Just make sure you understand the implications and consequences, because it might be there for a reason rather than solely for the sake of arbitrariness.

spydum 11y ago

> Experience something horrible. There is absolutely something transformative about being purified by fire (trials), which sorts helps sort out your priorities.

brc 11y ago

I had a set of major setbacks when I was 21. Job setbacks. Relationship setbacks. Housing setbacks. Everything went wrong, and at the time my parents were travelling remotely and for the first time I had to sort out my problems myself. I look back with amazement on that period which defined who I am more than any other period. What I learnt always that I could get back on my feet, I could turn things around, and when I did, I no longer took things for granted, whether that was jobs, friendships, relationships and more. I almost pity anyone who hasn't gone through a rough period as they haven't been able to test out who they really are.

koreyhinton 11y ago

I agree experiencing something horrible teaches you things you wouldn't learn otherwise, but certainly I wouldn't intentionally choose to do something because it will be a horrible experience. To me, it would be better to be prepared to cope with something horrible or learn how to avoid it altogether. I've struggled with being a young father, student, husband to a wife that struggles with depression, and being sole-provider living pay check to pay check for years. I was never prepared for all the stress and difficulties that comes along with all that. I've now learned to choose my commitments very carefully. When I was younger I also lived in a perfect fantasyland, but since I've become an adult I've dealt with stresses and depression for so long I relate more to advice along the lines of "take it easy", "relax", and "find enjoyable things in life". I wish earlier in life I would have been taught more about coping with difficulties and less about the long checklist of things I have to accomplish to be successful or perfect in life. I've learned to get rid of the guilt that comes along with the "being perfect" mentality. I've been told throughout my entire childhood that hardship will make me stronger. While it may be true in some cases, follow that advice to a T and you'll end up weaker. Sometimes choosing the easier path is better for your health.