4 ms·

I have an amazing father and grandfathers, all of whom I am close with. I've dreamed of being a father for many years (26M) and think I'll make a great one some

by mikeg8 12y ago

I have an amazing father and grandfathers, all of whom I am close with. I've dreamed of being a father for many years (26M) and think I'll make a great one someday based on the examples I was fortunate enough to have. But I don't like the thought that as soon as you have a child, you instantly have to be defined by that. Is reproduction really the meaning to life? (Biologists say absolutely). And saying you don't have to be successful anymore is very strange to me. Why wound't you need to be successful professionally to provide or personally to be happy? Don't you want your child to be successful, not rich but personally successful however they grow to define it? and shouldn't you show that to them by example?

JoeAltmaier 12y ago
Not reproduction: parenthood. Never mind how the kid got there; they are soon more important than everything you naïvely thought mattered. Not so much defined by that. Instead, motivated by entirely new impulses. Its not that you change your mind about success. Your mind changes, and that isn't a bad thing.
- jacquesm 12y ago
  If there is one thing that rammed that home it was sitting next to an incubator watching O2 levels and heartbeat of an early born infant. Re-alignment of priorities would be a very mild way to describe the feeling.
  - gregpilling 12y ago
    I agree. My son spent his first week in NICU, and 6 years later had a brain aneurism, and another brain surgery at 11 years. He is fine now. Work problems are pretty insignificant in comparison.
- peteretep 12y ago
  > Your mind changes Definitely! > and that isn't a bad thing Not yet entirely convinced on that front.
- klibertp 12y ago
  > Your mind changes I'm very suspicious about that. Every new experience has the chance of changing the way you think, it's natural. But for something to have that much of an impact it has to involve a lot of brain chemistry. And I don't trust in being intoxicated by hormones, I'd rather use other, safer drugs for this.
sz4kerto 12y ago
> But I don't like the thought that as soon as you have a child, you instantly have to be defined by that. I'm glad you brought this up. There's nothing that's forced upon you, you are not defined by this. It just happens so that most people change their priorities voluntarily and happily when they have a child. I personally continue pursuing professional success, of course. The difference is that if I become unsuccessful for any reason then the world won't collapse. So it just becomes much less important.
- jkestner 12y ago
  Yeah, it wasn't transformative like a bolt of lightning. And I didn't instantly become one of those people who freaks out about all the parenting advice, things that might choke a baby, statistically insignificant ways of dying. I was easy-going before, still am. You may lose finite things like time, but not your identity. Parenthood only uncovers more of it.
FullyFunctional 12y ago
What I found is that I'm the same person, but having children changed my perspective. I'm more conscious of how I spend my time so I hopefully waste less and still have time for both my family and myself.
kaiwen1 12y ago
Until it happens to you, it's impossible to appreciate how sudden, profound and unexpected this change is (for must people). It's not a thing you plan or attempt. It's hard wired into your genes. Baby arrives. New behaviors, feelings, and priorities ensue. Whatever you were rushing around trying to do before is now less important. Your primary objective is to make sure that life over there in the crib is protected and provided for.
- lotharbot 12y ago
  It changes most of your life in a very profound way. The people you always called "mom" and "dad" become "grandma" and "grandpa". You begin to think of your friends not just in terms of hanging out, but in terms of how they influence your child, or how their influence on you indirectly influences your child. You begin to look at the physical world with a different eye -- partly toward safety, partly just pure wonder. It completely transforms your perspective.
  - brc 12y ago
    Yes, the last thing I would have expected was re-evaluating my own friendships for that influence on influence. Not long after becoming a father I terminated a number of friendships quite abruptly. All of a sudden what I had previously thought of as 'fun guys' seemed like a toxic influence on me. The other aspect of parenthood is it brings your life design into sharp focus. Proximity to bars and restaurants and hip furnishings suddenly take a very distant back seat to access to quality neighbourhoods, schools and places to spend time with your kids. Old friends snigger that you don't go out anymore and figure your life must be so boring - sometimes they act sympathetically when you spend another Friday night in. They don't realise Friday nights in with a young family are great fun.
- mikeg8 12y ago
  Makes sense. thank you for your reply.
- mturmon 12y ago
  Here's a beautiful quote that expresses this profound change, and the sense that its consequences are to be accepted rather than resisted: "Let's say gravity suddenly shifted a little making everyone a little bit lighter. It would likely make the news circuit for a while and make movers and other professional lifters particularly happy. But after the scientists had explained again and again why it happened and all the potential story lines had been exhausted by newspapers and television pundits, religious zealots and idle conversationalists (“How about that gravity?”), we would accept it, perhaps with a individual joy all our own. Which is to say, even though a slight shift in gravity on Earth literally changes everything on our home planet, after awhile we’d adjust. Occasionally we might think back to the days before gravity changed with wonder and even nostalgia, but we’d know that everything being lighter is just better on one of those annoyingly and truistically difficult-to-communicate levels and continue with the practice of everyday life, with appropriate changes to this new state of lightness. Parenting for me is something like this." * This is by LA writer and critic Andrew Berardini, seen in http://www.broodwork.com/index.php?/projects/andrew-berardini/ http://www.broodwork.com/index.php?/projects/andrew-berardin....
joshrotenberg 12y ago
Father of two here. I don't think the point is that you can't/won't want to succeed, it's more that the result of your success is to further the success of your kids. And that doesn't just mean "provide for your family" in the old fashioned "dinner on the table" kind of way, it has more to do with being happy with yourself, and your kids pick up on that. If you are successful, in however you define it, your family is as well. And for me, more and more as my kids grow up and become themselves, seeing them succeed (and periodically fail) feels like real success to me, more so than any pat on the back I'd get from someone else.
tlear 12y ago
It changes you but it is very far from defining you. There is just a lot of joy from an unexpected place in your life all of a sudden. Just doing simple things like feed you kid some honey or biking around with them strapped to into a child seat of your bike suddenly becomes really enjoyable. But also when you go and do something that you love doing you want to share it, I brought my one and few month year old to Yosemite this winter and she was running around near Camp 4 while I bouldered. Just hours of wonder on her face it is pretty special. Then again there are some mental case parents, who lose all social connections, gain 100lb and can never be seen again by their friends. Just don't be that. I have former friends like that, it is some kind of North American phenomenon. For me it feel so nuts I really don't get how people become that.

by mikeg8 12y ago

JoeAltmaier 12y ago

Not reproduction: parenthood. Never mind how the kid got there; they are soon more important than everything you naïvely thought mattered. Not so much defined by that. Instead, motivated by entirely new impulses. Its not that you change your mind about success. Your mind changes, and that isn't a bad thing.

jacquesm 12y ago
If there is one thing that rammed that home it was sitting next to an incubator watching O2 levels and heartbeat of an early born infant. Re-alignment of priorities would be a very mild way to describe the feeling.
- gregpilling 12y ago
  I agree. My son spent his first week in NICU, and 6 years later had a brain aneurism, and another brain surgery at 11 years. He is fine now. Work problems are pretty insignificant in comparison.
peteretep 12y ago
> Your mind changes Definitely! > and that isn't a bad thing Not yet entirely convinced on that front.
klibertp 12y ago
> Your mind changes I'm very suspicious about that. Every new experience has the chance of changing the way you think, it's natural. But for something to have that much of an impact it has to involve a lot of brain chemistry. And I don't trust in being intoxicated by hormones, I'd rather use other, safer drugs for this.

sz4kerto 12y ago

> But I don't like the thought that as soon as you have a child, you instantly have to be defined by that. I'm glad you brought this up. There's nothing that's forced upon you, you are not defined by this. It just happens so that most people change their priorities voluntarily and happily when they have a child. I personally continue pursuing professional success, of course. The difference is that if I become unsuccessful for any reason then the world won't collapse. So it just becomes much less important.

jkestner 12y ago
Yeah, it wasn't transformative like a bolt of lightning. And I didn't instantly become one of those people who freaks out about all the parenting advice, things that might choke a baby, statistically insignificant ways of dying. I was easy-going before, still am. You may lose finite things like time, but not your identity. Parenthood only uncovers more of it.

FullyFunctional 12y ago

What I found is that I'm the same person, but having children changed my perspective. I'm more conscious of how I spend my time so I hopefully waste less and still have time for both my family and myself.

kaiwen1 12y ago

Until it happens to you, it's impossible to appreciate how sudden, profound and unexpected this change is (for must people). It's not a thing you plan or attempt. It's hard wired into your genes. Baby arrives. New behaviors, feelings, and priorities ensue. Whatever you were rushing around trying to do before is now less important. Your primary objective is to make sure that life over there in the crib is protected and provided for.

lotharbot 12y ago
It changes most of your life in a very profound way. The people you always called "mom" and "dad" become "grandma" and "grandpa". You begin to think of your friends not just in terms of hanging out, but in terms of how they influence your child, or how their influence on you indirectly influences your child. You begin to look at the physical world with a different eye -- partly toward safety, partly just pure wonder. It completely transforms your perspective.
- brc 12y ago
  Yes, the last thing I would have expected was re-evaluating my own friendships for that influence on influence. Not long after becoming a father I terminated a number of friendships quite abruptly. All of a sudden what I had previously thought of as 'fun guys' seemed like a toxic influence on me. The other aspect of parenthood is it brings your life design into sharp focus. Proximity to bars and restaurants and hip furnishings suddenly take a very distant back seat to access to quality neighbourhoods, schools and places to spend time with your kids. Old friends snigger that you don't go out anymore and figure your life must be so boring - sometimes they act sympathetically when you spend another Friday night in. They don't realise Friday nights in with a young family are great fun.
mikeg8 12y ago
Makes sense. thank you for your reply.
mturmon 12y ago
Here's a beautiful quote that expresses this profound change, and the sense that its consequences are to be accepted rather than resisted: "Let's say gravity suddenly shifted a little making everyone a little bit lighter. It would likely make the news circuit for a while and make movers and other professional lifters particularly happy. But after the scientists had explained again and again why it happened and all the potential story lines had been exhausted by newspapers and television pundits, religious zealots and idle conversationalists (“How about that gravity?”), we would accept it, perhaps with a individual joy all our own. Which is to say, even though a slight shift in gravity on Earth literally changes everything on our home planet, after awhile we’d adjust. Occasionally we might think back to the days before gravity changed with wonder and even nostalgia, but we’d know that everything being lighter is just better on one of those annoyingly and truistically difficult-to-communicate levels and continue with the practice of everyday life, with appropriate changes to this new state of lightness. Parenting for me is something like this." * This is by LA writer and critic Andrew Berardini, seen in http://www.broodwork.com/index.php?/projects/andrew-berardini/ http://www.broodwork.com/index.php?/projects/andrew-berardin....

joshrotenberg 12y ago

Father of two here. I don't think the point is that you can't/won't want to succeed, it's more that the result of your success is to further the success of your kids. And that doesn't just mean "provide for your family" in the old fashioned "dinner on the table" kind of way, it has more to do with being happy with yourself, and your kids pick up on that. If you are successful, in however you define it, your family is as well. And for me, more and more as my kids grow up and become themselves, seeing them succeed (and periodically fail) feels like real success to me, more so than any pat on the back I'd get from someone else.

tlear 12y ago

It changes you but it is very far from defining you. There is just a lot of joy from an unexpected place in your life all of a sudden. Just doing simple things like feed you kid some honey or biking around with them strapped to into a child seat of your bike suddenly becomes really enjoyable. But also when you go and do something that you love doing you want to share it, I brought my one and few month year old to Yosemite this winter and she was running around near Camp 4 while I bouldered. Just hours of wonder on her face it is pretty special. Then again there are some mental case parents, who lose all social connections, gain 100lb and can never be seen again by their friends. Just don't be that. I have former friends like that, it is some kind of North American phenomenon. For me it feel so nuts I really don't get how people become that.