My heart goes out to you, because these are issues I've dealt with my whole life, and I can now, with age, see how pointless it was to get wrapped up in them so

My heart goes out to you, because these are issues I've dealt with my whole life, and I can now, with age, see how pointless it was to get wrapped up in them so tightly. If I could say one thing to you it would be to try and develop a little compassion and love for yourself. Really, make a conscious effort at it, maybe even check out meditation, "Metta meditation" in particular. First, this sounds like typical ADHD behavior to me. Have you considered the possibility that you may have ADHD? If not, they research it a bit. (Right now -- Go ahead, I'll wait ;-) Also, you seem to have a constant feeling of insecurity, of being "less than". Even though you have obviously accomplished a lot, you are still in a panic over not accomplishing enough. This is just a guess, but I'd bet it has affected your life in a a lot of ways far beyond your programming career. That's OK, you are certainly not alone, but just something else to mull over in your mind, and why I think mindfulness and metta meditation might be especially useful for you. Check out "Pragmatic Buddhism", as well as Jack Kornfield, Pema Chodron, Tara Brach, Shinzen Young, and simiplar teachers. I'm stressing meditation because I've found it to be the most effective way to deal with similar issues in my life. It's not fast, or easy, but it seems to be the most effective thing so far.