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We often say thoughtless things, because we're on autopilot. We don't sit down and think quietly about how our words will seem to others before we say them beca
by b6 12y ago
We often say thoughtless things, because we're on autopilot. We don't sit down and think quietly about how our words will seem to others before we say them because we don't want to spend that much time, or that much energy, and even if we did, we're not very good at mentally putting ourselves in someone else's shoes.
> “Most girls aren’t into this kind of stuff.” No way, do you have the list? The list of things most girls are into? I’ve been trying to find that thing forever, can you forward it to me? You have my email. Thanks, man, you’re the best.
As near as I can tell, "most girls aren't into [tech/programming]" is as close to an uncontrovertible fact as you could ask for. The author seemed to try to change that by asking for an entire list .. with a wheelbarrow full of snark.
You can respond to the thoughtless comments of well-meaning, good-intentioned people in lots of ways. I think maybe "days/weeks/months later, on your blog, as opposed to the people who actually said the remarks, with heaps of snark, scorn, and condescension" is not one of the better ones.
- alecdbrooks 12y agoThoughtless or not, these comments are exclusionary. Accidental sexism is still sexism. Saying she should have responded to the people directly doesn't fly either. We don't know what she did in the moment, and we don't need to. This post describes a pattern of sexism, not the specifics of each case.
- mreiland 12y agohttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4hqFvXm57M&t=1m23s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4hqFvXm57M&t=1m23s Christopher Hitchens: Free Speech and the Right to Offend
- GFK_of_xmaspast 12y agoMost dudes aren't into tech/programming either, but you wouldn't expect someone to say it to you.
- smt88 12y agoAs abc_lisper implied, the more correct phrasing would have been, "Most people who are into this stuff are men." Either way, it was a pointless thing to say, and I'm never surprised when women are offended by that kind of statement.
- abc_lisper 12y agoSocrates is a Man. Not all men are Socrates.
- b6 12y agoYou're right, if taken literally, but I'd bet that the person who said the remark just meant that far fewer women than men are into tech/programming.
- x0x0 12y agoOr they meant, "Hi! Mind if I backhandedly point out you don't belong here (again?)" Because, you know, that's how people interpret it when you remark upon their presence or skills. It shouldn't take much empathy to understand how peers repeatedly being surprised at your presence and/or skills would get old. Understanding how others perceive your actions, not merely how you perceive them, is one of things that (should) distinguish adults from children.
- b6 12y ago> Or they meant, "Hi! Mind if I backhandedly point out you don't belong here (again?)" Because, you know, that's how people interpret it when you remark upon their presence or skills. I don't think you're right to say that there's a single way that people will interpret statements like that. Statements like that can be made out of genuine admiration. I have made such statements out of admiration, and statements like that have been made about me (about my ability to speak Mandarin, in China). It seems to be a fact that women in tech are rare. I have found it to be true in my life that if you are rare or strange in some way, life will probably be harder for you in some ways, because it will take a while for other people to learn to deal with you. You can choose to look at it really specifically as "sexism", but I prefer to think about it as "people don't handle unfamiliar situations very well".