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Yes. I've read that article several times. I fit the description perfectly and I think it's one of the reasons I'm learning lisp now. It might be of use for th

Yes. I've read that article several times. I fit the description perfectly and I think it's one of the reasons I'm learning lisp now. It might be of use for the huge project that I'm about to start in the near future. I don't like the dark side, I hate to see all the beauty I create when I'm 'high' dribble through the impotent hands of the dark periods. But I've come to accept that this is how I am and always will be. My only way out of the hole is to try and steer clear of addictions and learn new stuff. Since I can't do anything of practical use during this period - nothing is exciting, the world is going to hell, I'm a failure and cannot do it, etc, I use the time to learn new stuff, read books on every possible subject and just try not to be too big of a drag on those around me. I've been here multiple times and I know that each 'down' period is followed by a rush of energy and creativity and I have to be prepared with knowledge and health so that I can apply it during my 'mental spring'. This is how I've created great stuff before and I will in the future. At least this is my hope. At the moment, learning lisp is a kind of psychotherapy that I apply to myself and it seems to be working, even though I have no idea what to do with that knowledge, it will soon all make sense.

elliptic 12y ago
The GP article seems like self-congratulatory fluff. So, just to be clear, what you're saying is that you're brilliant and this is a problem?
- codeshaman 12y ago
  Whatever 'brilliant' is supposed to mean, when I try to apply that adjective towards myself I'm immediately reminded about the numerous times I've felt humbled by someone else's infinitely higher brilliance (be it a book, source code, mathematical expression, song, poem, movie, etc) and then I just feel stupid for trying to place myself even close to those I so deeply respect. Brilliant is impossible to be, what we can hope for is moments of 'brilliance', where one can come up with original solutions to problems. Ideas, revelations.. I do have those from time to time and it feels great. But as a human being, it does matter what and how you feel in between those moments of brilliance. And during a 'low' phase (which can last months, day after day), all your moments of brilliance are replaced with mental blocks, melancholy, cynicism and pessimism about everything and everyone. It's a very bad place to be, it's painful, the feeling of being a fraud, the way you disappoint yourself and others by not following through, the way you see your dreams and hopes drown in a sea of confusion and frustration. When everything you've earned/gained is slowly erased and you have to start again from step 1. Yeah, I think that's a problem. You either kill yourself, drink/drug yourself to death or find a way to cope with it. My solution is to just obsess on books/studying new stuff when the mental winter comes and try to stay away from the easy escapes.

elliptic 12y ago

The GP article seems like self-congratulatory fluff. So, just to be clear, what you're saying is that you're brilliant and this is a problem?

codeshaman 12y ago
Whatever 'brilliant' is supposed to mean, when I try to apply that adjective towards myself I'm immediately reminded about the numerous times I've felt humbled by someone else's infinitely higher brilliance (be it a book, source code, mathematical expression, song, poem, movie, etc) and then I just feel stupid for trying to place myself even close to those I so deeply respect. Brilliant is impossible to be, what we can hope for is moments of 'brilliance', where one can come up with original solutions to problems. Ideas, revelations.. I do have those from time to time and it feels great. But as a human being, it does matter what and how you feel in between those moments of brilliance. And during a 'low' phase (which can last months, day after day), all your moments of brilliance are replaced with mental blocks, melancholy, cynicism and pessimism about everything and everyone. It's a very bad place to be, it's painful, the feeling of being a fraud, the way you disappoint yourself and others by not following through, the way you see your dreams and hopes drown in a sea of confusion and frustration. When everything you've earned/gained is slowly erased and you have to start again from step 1. Yeah, I think that's a problem. You either kill yourself, drink/drug yourself to death or find a way to cope with it. My solution is to just obsess on books/studying new stuff when the mental winter comes and try to stay away from the easy escapes.