I think my real issues are significantly different from what you may think they are. I've read many behavior and relationship books over the years in my quest

I think my real issues are significantly different from what you may think they are. I've read many behavior and relationship books over the years in my quest to improve my life, but in the end, I seem to be unable to make those "hacks" work in my life. I've had all the opportunity I could really ever hope for. I was very athletic and popular way, way back in high school, played in a relatively successful rock band for a decade after that, and have a great sense of humor. I am tall (6'3"), dark, but not very handsome :) Put simply, at a core level, I don't really trust anyone, which turns out to be a nasty self-enforcing attitude. My earliest childhood memory is of being abandoned, by my Mom, at her sister's house for months and being kept alone, stuck in crib and unattended for most of that time. I had no idea what was happening and vaguely remember crying until exhaustion day after day, wondering where my Mom was and why she was doing this to me. I am, personally, 100% convinced that this event, in MY case, led me to my lifelong struggles with relationships and addiction, and that the trauma caused by it created physical damage in the neuronic wiring of my brain. The odd part is, it wasn't until my Mom talked to me about it a few years before her passing that I was even able to remember it, but when she did it all came back to me; the room, the crib, her scary and unloving sister, my despair. And listen, I am not trying to turn this into some sort of psycho-babble nonsense...I so very much appreciate your caring words and in no way am I trying to disrespect them or you.